It seems a bit surreal to me that tomorrow I will have reached six months in my sobriety...it's still not a long time, but it is. I have grown and gone through a considerable amount the past six months...more then I feel I had in the past 5 years drinking...(just want to point out that I may have drank more but the last five is what I remember particularly...moreso the last three then anything, that's when it became very problematic).
Anyways...
It feels like yesterday, my day 1...well, my 'before-day-1'...where I sat on the couch...upset, anxious, frustrated, scared, angry, confused...no more booze in the house because I drank it all before 1pm. I don't even know WHY I drank in the mornings...I had no reason. That day I took the day off work, I got up as soon as my partner left and I poured the first glass and went back to bed. I laid on my partners side of the bed (I am not sure why)...and I drank the morning away, watching YouTube videos, sometimes depressing ones, crying, drinking, passing out, drinking, crying, drinking, passing out. What a waste of life. I really was of no use to society...I didn't do anything except drink! I was a complete shell of a person...I was out to destroy myself and everything around me and was too naive and stupid and addicted to even realize it. I thought it was everyone else! I didn't think it was ME, it could never be me. I thought everyone around me was effing nuts, when it was me that was the insane one. Drinking day in and day out...expecting a different outcome, you've all heard that one before.
So....back to the couch, partner home from work, taking a shower, and I...journalling...pretty much crying...knowing I had no more booze, and didn' tknow what to do or feel about it. I wanted to stop drinking but feel like I couldn't. Sneaking out to the balcony, on a bitter cold February night, where we kept old casks...that went to the 'garbage' - a big old black back....FILLED with casks. Covered with snow and last weeks cigarette ashes...blindly going through that bag looking for one, two, five casks that had just a bit of wine left in them and some did....and disgustingly enough, I took those casks and tryed to squeeze every last drop into a glass...it was cloudy, smelled funny, but I drank it anyways. Gawd, that shit could have been out there for six months for all I knew! How desperate and low I was. If anyone were watching me I am sure they would have felt slightly disgusted....but would have pitied me. Look at that sad sap...that person that is doing NOTHING with their life...throwing it all away, for a bit of wine.
But they didn't understand. I didn't even understand.
I just did it, no questions asked, did I actually have a choice to put down that drink??
I went to bed that night....thinking to myself I will do this until the weekend....(it was a Tuesday night)...and then maybe I could just mod on the weekend....I never got to that point, because I knew that I seriously needed to make a change. I couldn't keep going on this demented merry-go-round over and over. I was going to make myself insane.
That's when day 1 happened the next day....and tomorrow will be day 180.
I wasted so so much of my time on this earth...for what? For that high? Half the time I was gone by the second or third drink because I chugged on an empty stomach, I am not even sure what it was that I was trying to accomplish. I was never present. I was never there. I was just some zombie-robot that drank and drank and I wasn't putting forth any sort of effort or use in life. I WAS useless!
Maybe I am being hard on myself...but what a difference six months makes.
I do not kid you, newbies....I don't know how many day 1s I had, thinking it would be the end of the world if I just stopped drinking and it wasn't the case...the world doesn't end, you become more comfortable with time, the cravings eventually lessen, you don't need it to have fun.
Like I said, I have grown more the past six months then I have the past 5 years of drinking. I am present, I am here, NOW. Sure as shit I have a lot more to work on but I don't ever want to go back to that insanity....what feels like a dream. I feel guilty that I even wasted so much time. It makes me sick...
Sobriety is worth it.
I literally could just delete this whole entire post and type those four words....but I felt like I needed to share.
Bri.*
Anyways...
It feels like yesterday, my day 1...well, my 'before-day-1'...where I sat on the couch...upset, anxious, frustrated, scared, angry, confused...no more booze in the house because I drank it all before 1pm. I don't even know WHY I drank in the mornings...I had no reason. That day I took the day off work, I got up as soon as my partner left and I poured the first glass and went back to bed. I laid on my partners side of the bed (I am not sure why)...and I drank the morning away, watching YouTube videos, sometimes depressing ones, crying, drinking, passing out, drinking, crying, drinking, passing out. What a waste of life. I really was of no use to society...I didn't do anything except drink! I was a complete shell of a person...I was out to destroy myself and everything around me and was too naive and stupid and addicted to even realize it. I thought it was everyone else! I didn't think it was ME, it could never be me. I thought everyone around me was effing nuts, when it was me that was the insane one. Drinking day in and day out...expecting a different outcome, you've all heard that one before.
So....back to the couch, partner home from work, taking a shower, and I...journalling...pretty much crying...knowing I had no more booze, and didn' tknow what to do or feel about it. I wanted to stop drinking but feel like I couldn't. Sneaking out to the balcony, on a bitter cold February night, where we kept old casks...that went to the 'garbage' - a big old black back....FILLED with casks. Covered with snow and last weeks cigarette ashes...blindly going through that bag looking for one, two, five casks that had just a bit of wine left in them and some did....and disgustingly enough, I took those casks and tryed to squeeze every last drop into a glass...it was cloudy, smelled funny, but I drank it anyways. Gawd, that shit could have been out there for six months for all I knew! How desperate and low I was. If anyone were watching me I am sure they would have felt slightly disgusted....but would have pitied me. Look at that sad sap...that person that is doing NOTHING with their life...throwing it all away, for a bit of wine.
But they didn't understand. I didn't even understand.
I just did it, no questions asked, did I actually have a choice to put down that drink??
I went to bed that night....thinking to myself I will do this until the weekend....(it was a Tuesday night)...and then maybe I could just mod on the weekend....I never got to that point, because I knew that I seriously needed to make a change. I couldn't keep going on this demented merry-go-round over and over. I was going to make myself insane.
That's when day 1 happened the next day....and tomorrow will be day 180.
I wasted so so much of my time on this earth...for what? For that high? Half the time I was gone by the second or third drink because I chugged on an empty stomach, I am not even sure what it was that I was trying to accomplish. I was never present. I was never there. I was just some zombie-robot that drank and drank and I wasn't putting forth any sort of effort or use in life. I WAS useless!
Maybe I am being hard on myself...but what a difference six months makes.
I do not kid you, newbies....I don't know how many day 1s I had, thinking it would be the end of the world if I just stopped drinking and it wasn't the case...the world doesn't end, you become more comfortable with time, the cravings eventually lessen, you don't need it to have fun.
Like I said, I have grown more the past six months then I have the past 5 years of drinking. I am present, I am here, NOW. Sure as shit I have a lot more to work on but I don't ever want to go back to that insanity....what feels like a dream. I feel guilty that I even wasted so much time. It makes me sick...
Sobriety is worth it.
I literally could just delete this whole entire post and type those four words....but I felt like I needed to share.
Bri.*
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