Ya know, I started off writing an even longer story but I think I'll ditch that for now in favor of something more simple. I came across this forum through random web surfing the other night and it reminded me that my drinking has kind of been the elephant in the room for a long time. For reference I'm 30, female, single.
Other than a very very bad year that ended with a (thankfully minor) case of pancreatitis, I've been able to put off thinking about it more than I probably should. Because I don't drink to blackout, don't drink at work...all the things ya tell yourself that mean you're doing just fine.
'Cept...I had pancreatitis. And at first, I quit drinking like a sane human being. Until I started again. Red flag there, you think?
'Cept when I started my last job (I was laid off, nothing drink related) it was 11 hour shifts and I was kind of nervous the first day in case I started having withdrawal symptoms.
And 'cept I've started tapering off today and just having to sit here and think, "Hmmm...since I can't get into a doc, it's probably safest to taper," is also, you know, not what I'd be thinking if I was doing ok.
So, first I want to thank the folks in this forum; I've been reading everyone's posts like crazy and it's making it easier for me to focus that I need to change. I guess I'm also maybe fishing for a little "atta girl" since I'm not ready to tell anyone close to me just now.
I know some of my triggers for drinking, and I think after I post this I might make an actual list. I know I also have depression and anxiety issues that make me want to drink...and then the drinking makes the issues worse. I know my appetite has been all over the place for ages and ever since the pancreatitis I've been nervous about what I'm doing to myself. I know the drinking got really bad at a point in my life where I felt like I had no worth and that I've been too busy "dealing" since then to actually address those feelings.
What I worry about most is always the possibility of a nasty withdrawal; I'm trying very hard to be gentle with myself and stick to the tapering instead of trying to rush it. I hate knowing it's at that point. I have quit that way before, though, so at least there's that.
What I want most is to be...myself again, I suppose. I don't want to have that thought of "Hmmm, I'd like to do this weekend thing, but I'm not sure if I'll be ok if I can't drink." I want my head clear to sort out a lot of life issues that I've been hiding from dealing with. I don't want to walk away from conversations thinking, "Well, I'm not drunk and I think I made sense...but were my emotions actually on base there?" I'm also tired of worrying that I'll have a serious health issue again and then have to admit to everyone that yeah, I did start up again.
This got long, and I'm going to apologise now if I don't come back to the thread for a bit. And I know I probably ought to post in the Nest but...I really didn't particularly plan on sorting this out just now. I was just feeling rotten about some things I'd said to a friend even though it wasn't anything awful and he insists it was fine - even if I sounded fine *I* know I was just the tiniest bit buzzed so I can't help but second guess my reactions later. And then I ended up here...I just really needed to get this typed out where I can look at it, maybe.
Other than a very very bad year that ended with a (thankfully minor) case of pancreatitis, I've been able to put off thinking about it more than I probably should. Because I don't drink to blackout, don't drink at work...all the things ya tell yourself that mean you're doing just fine.
'Cept...I had pancreatitis. And at first, I quit drinking like a sane human being. Until I started again. Red flag there, you think?
'Cept when I started my last job (I was laid off, nothing drink related) it was 11 hour shifts and I was kind of nervous the first day in case I started having withdrawal symptoms.
And 'cept I've started tapering off today and just having to sit here and think, "Hmmm...since I can't get into a doc, it's probably safest to taper," is also, you know, not what I'd be thinking if I was doing ok.
So, first I want to thank the folks in this forum; I've been reading everyone's posts like crazy and it's making it easier for me to focus that I need to change. I guess I'm also maybe fishing for a little "atta girl" since I'm not ready to tell anyone close to me just now.
I know some of my triggers for drinking, and I think after I post this I might make an actual list. I know I also have depression and anxiety issues that make me want to drink...and then the drinking makes the issues worse. I know my appetite has been all over the place for ages and ever since the pancreatitis I've been nervous about what I'm doing to myself. I know the drinking got really bad at a point in my life where I felt like I had no worth and that I've been too busy "dealing" since then to actually address those feelings.
What I worry about most is always the possibility of a nasty withdrawal; I'm trying very hard to be gentle with myself and stick to the tapering instead of trying to rush it. I hate knowing it's at that point. I have quit that way before, though, so at least there's that.
What I want most is to be...myself again, I suppose. I don't want to have that thought of "Hmmm, I'd like to do this weekend thing, but I'm not sure if I'll be ok if I can't drink." I want my head clear to sort out a lot of life issues that I've been hiding from dealing with. I don't want to walk away from conversations thinking, "Well, I'm not drunk and I think I made sense...but were my emotions actually on base there?" I'm also tired of worrying that I'll have a serious health issue again and then have to admit to everyone that yeah, I did start up again.
This got long, and I'm going to apologise now if I don't come back to the thread for a bit. And I know I probably ought to post in the Nest but...I really didn't particularly plan on sorting this out just now. I was just feeling rotten about some things I'd said to a friend even though it wasn't anything awful and he insists it was fine - even if I sounded fine *I* know I was just the tiniest bit buzzed so I can't help but second guess my reactions later. And then I ended up here...I just really needed to get this typed out where I can look at it, maybe.
Thank you, too, Pavati!
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