Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

[LavenderBlue]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

So, lunch went alright and I'm kind of proud of myself. It's a long story, but I developed some severe social anxiety after an abusive relationship - I'm only really comfortable with super close friends. This was someone I haven't seen in years and don't know very well; normally that would be an excuse and a trigger to drink. Then again, normally I'd sit at the comp, have a drink, get depressed and tired, and either be late or cancel. I was 10 minutes early.

I'm feeling super spacey now, but I'm not letting myself see a drink as a "reward." I did stop on the way home for tons of juice and Gatorade though. And going out meant I at least picked at the meal and have leftovers for later.

For me right now, even this much is really kind of awesome. I don't mean I'm going to start slacking now; but it's been years since I actively *chose* not to just grab a drink unless there was a reason (work, had to drive somewhere, sick). And the social anxiety stuff has also really been bad for me, this is literally the first time I've been out to hang out with someone who I didn't already know was "safe." (Emotionally, I mean; someone who hasn't seen me and doesn't know my recent history) in years.

And thanks again; just being accountable to you guys here is really helping me keep my focus.

[See the Light]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

Welcome LavenderBlue- quick note on the sleeping thing...that took about a week for that to normalize for me (I frequently "needed" AL to sleep, and then quite frankly, also to wake up again)..anyway, It's kinda like jetlag though..it feels difficult to re-establish sleep patterns at 1st, but it does get better with time...hang in there

[LavenderBlue]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

Thank you, and I hope so. I'm bouncing all over the place now feeling super awake and super tired.

I just reached out to a good friend of mine who decided to go AF a few years ago - not that I plan on ditching the boards so soon but I've got someone else in my corner, too now. And one more person to help keep me accountable.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

Atta Girl, Lavender Blue!

One hour at a time, one day at a time... they are all milestones to celebrate. :dancin:

Consciously breaking the habit- that is AWESOME!

And the more people on your side, the better.

[LavenderBlue]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

Thanks, I'm really trying to make this work, here. I also decided I really did need to tell my mother; at least in general terms. It was hard for me because of how many times I told her I was fine and not to worry, but I figured it was either that or she'd really wonder what was up with me this week. Typing it out to you guys, I just kinda got to rethinking it and I realized I couldn't focus on stopping and on acting like I was fine at the same time. I feel much better now that I don't have to lie and pretend I have the flu or something to explain why I'm all weird and feeling rotten.

I'm going to be busy with some friends online tonight, so might not check in again til later or tomorrow. But it should keep me distracted at least.

And thanks again to you guys; the support here is what got me started and is getting me to take it seriously. And you know, actually tell more people who can help.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

Telling your Mom was a quietly courageous thing to do... she will do what she can to help you. :l

Tonight the world learned of Robin William's suicide.... so heart breaking. I looked him up on You Tube and I also found this wonderful monologue that Craig Ferguson did about his experience with alcoholism, rehab, and looking forward. He's been sober for 15 years, and he says he doesn't have a drinking problem, but a thinking problem. He admits that alcoholics are everywhere! He also says that his success is by finding others that have similar experiences and talk with them... so here we are!

I'll put the link here if you'd like to be inspired.
http://youtu.be/kJ-kW0bgPHY[/video]]Craig Ferguson's Sobriety Story - YouTube

Sad hugs, Lavender Blue. Patty

[LavenderBlue]

Not how I planned on spending my weekend, but I'm glad

I did enjoy that link, and thank you.

And thanks - telling my mom was double hard because dad was an alcoholic. And because she will help, actually. She asked me to please let her know if she needed to keep her rum out of the house, that that was something she'd done for my dad before they divorced to try to help him. It's good that she'll help, but it's...I know, I'm not the only one but it's so hard for me to say I might need help.

The news about Robin Williams hit me in odd ways. I never feel right exactly "mourning" a celebrity since I don't know them personally. I'm not saying I don't *care* just I always feel so bad for the family that they have to do their grieving with the cameras rolling. But considering the choices I just made about my own drinking and depression issues... Plus I saw a post from a friend of mine literally asking if all his friends wanted to go bar hopping tonight to celebrate life and I'm thinking..."Really? You're using this as an excuse to go out clubbing?"

But on a happier note, I think tomorrow will be my first actual AF day. I did have one with dinner and was debating leaning towards "just cutting back." But I know taking a real 30 days off is important. Even my other friend said she really hoped I'd try it since at this point she knows she doesn't want to go back. I had some other things today that are usually triggers, but I just kept thinking if I keep letting things trigger me I'll never quit. Because there's always *something* that can be an excuse. And I'll never know if I really am ok without if I never give myself that chance.

Rambling more; I know it's only the first few steps but I'm doing better than I thought I would with them.