Here I go again...

[Sunnygirl]

I haven't been on this website for a while. But I am back. My life is in shambles because of my drinking. I hope to check myself into a 7-day detox Friday. I need to do this to live. My husband said he was leaving me. Why am I so afraid to live?

[Lavande]

Here I go again...

Hi Sunnygirl,

Welcome back to MWO.
You have made a great decision, I wish you the very best!
Please let us know how you are doing as you go along. Drop in the Newbies Nest thread for more support

Lav

[See the Light]

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Sunnygirl- As a Newbie here, I continue to look for inspiration in those who have quit and remained AF, as well as those who willing to keep fighting even after setbacks to this illness. I hope the 7 day detox helps, but are you changing anything else this time to ensure your success? I saw you logged in last Nov. , then not since previous May before that….I think sticking here and finding hope is part of the mental therapy. I wish you all the success this time, and hope your husband comes around to be more supportive. It’s an incredibly tough fight, but there are lots of people here with great advise. This time is your time. For further inspiration, I posted your 1st post below…. I believe that is true, so now you need to. Best wishes…

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"I'm just starting out too. But from what everyone's saying on these forums, IT CAN BE DONE. Let's not dwell on the way it used to be, but start something new and (try to at least) switch those mental gears. Let's go on together. I'm on day 3. We will all feel better with more sobriety under our belts. That's a given. But we also need patience to get there. It doesn't happen overnight, and it will be hard work. Hang in there! I will do my best."

[Pinecone]

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Hi SG, welcome back. I don't really understand the technical parts of addiction, but I have a working theory. For some reason, people like us have something that forces us into a horrible dependence on alcohol. I can remember drinking beer after beer and sobbing because I knew that I was addicted to alcohol and I hated my life at that time. It didn't stop me from drinking though. I drank even harder because that was a source of "comfort." It is a kind of cyclical hell. Your words that your life is in a shambles, and your question of why are you afraid to live were exactly my experience too. I felt so utterly alone and isolated. I love the expression "You can't make sense out of nonsense." There is nothing to figure out about our drinking, just get away! Grab the rope and pull yourself out of the hole! Survival mode. This thing will kill us if it can. You are still in there, and you can have yourself back! I'm pulling for you.

[NoSugar]

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Pinecone;1692589 wrote: Hi SG, welcome back. I don't really understand the technical parts of addiction, but I have a working theory. For some reason, people like us have something that forces us into a horrible dependence on alcohol. I can remember drinking beer after beer and sobbing because I knew that I was addicted to alcohol and I hated my life at that time. It didn't stop me from drinking though. I drank even harder because that was a source of "comfort." It is a kind of cyclical hell. Your words that your life is in a shambles, and your question of why are you afraid to live were exactly my experience too. I felt so utterly alone and isolated. I love the expression "You can't make sense out of nonsense." There is nothing to figure out about our drinking, just get away! Grab the rope and pull yourself out of the hole! Survival mode. This thing will kill us if it can. You are still in there, and you can have yourself back! I'm pulling for you.

Pinecone,

I just sent your post to a friend who so wants to get back to her AF life but is just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to begin. I hope your clear plea to just do it reaches her. And I hope you, too, Sunny. Welcome back!

[Sunnygirl]

Here I go again...

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and inspiration. I really needed that today. Pinecone, I feel the same way. I drank yesterday because I was so lonely. But today I vowed not to have that morning beer, just suffered through the hangover. It was a difficult decision to go to detox, because of work commitments, but as a friend of mine said, I won't even have a job if I don't take care of my issues. See the Light, I can't believe I wrote that. I was definitely in a better place then.

[Alky]

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Hi SG - I faced similar issues. I was basically forced into a detox. It was either go, or my wife would see it I would be court ordered to go. She said the same thing about the job - it won't be an issue you have to worry about if you don't go.

I will have to say, in hindsight I was so glad I did it. It was so much easier than the white-knuckle home detox hell. For me, the valium taper and clonodine minimized the risk of seizure and stroke, respectively, and both provided relief from withdrawal symptoms. And, the added effect of seeing a guy die from detox was a grim reminder our inevitable fate should we never get off this path of self-destruction.

The drive to drink even though we know it's bad for us, in a nutshell, occurs because the reward pathways (which occur in the less developed parts of the brain) become so powerful it overrules the thinking part of our brain, as explained by my addiction psychiatrist. Makes perfect sense given my last big relapse started with a completely, and I mean completely, split-second impulse decision to pull into a grocery store liquor store parking lot. No decision making involved. I was in and out of that store and taking a pull off the bottle before even giving it a second thought.

[Sunnygirl]

Here I go again...

Thank you Alky. Day 2 and I still have my head in the toilet. Barely ate yesterday. I am so afraid, even though I know I am failing at my job, my marriage, and basically my life because of alcohol. I know of the wood you speak of. I feel I've been in it many times. It is very dark and isolating. This is going to be the longest week ever. I have made the arrangements at work for the time off to attend the detox, and let key members of my family know. In a way I am hopeful although scared. I believe it would be a safe place.

[j-vo]

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Sunny,
The detox is a great place for starting your AF life. You'll get everything out of your system and then be able and ready to concentrate on the sober life you so desperately want and need. Do you have a plan in place for after detox? Do they have continued care with counselors? If anything, make sure you come back to MWO after detox and get to know the many people here who were/are walking in your shoes. They've come out of the depths of despair and are living fully and happily.

[Alky]

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SG, j-vo makes a great point about aftercare. After my detox, I decided I had sufficiently learned my lesson and declined residential treatment. I thought that going to an AA meeting 3-4 times a week (but not really listening and certainly not actively looking for a sponsor) and resuming weekly therapy sessions with a well-meaning, but clueless therapist (he had never been an addict himself, nor really dealt in any kind of depth with hardcore addicts). I had the mother of all relapses. I didn't want another medical detox going on my insurance record (a month after the first), and ended up in the emergency room after a detox blackout. I almost lost my driver license over that blackout (in most states now, loss of consciousness is automatic grounds for a medical suspension of driving privileges).

Had I gone to residential (I'm not saying it's necessary), or even proactively looked into intensive outpatient (which I'm doing now) and taken AA stepwork with a sponsor seriously (which I'm also doing now), I wouldn't have had that mother of all relapses and I'd be close to 90 days sober instead of 52. I'm pretty vocal here about AA for one two big reasons. One, it is accessible to everyone. It doesn't matter if you have crappy (or no) insurance and inpatient or outpatient rehab is out of the question. Second, I sense a resistance here on MWO to AA because (whether people admit it or not) some folks don't want to relinquish power. They don't want to be told what they need to kick alcohol by other people who have actually done it. Trying to think and medicate yourself (with no meaningful support) to sobriety almost certainly dooms you to failure. I know - I am a prime example and I have the numerous failed attempts (even after a medical detox) at sobriety to prove it!

To close, I just want you to know I understand your position exactly. I was there three months ago. Though I have been a drunk for years, my co-workers and colleagues were now figuring it out. And my wife basically dropped me off at detox and took off for our summer place in New England and told me she would see me in September. I can completely empathize with your feelings of failing at your job and marriage. I hope physically you are feeling better (you mentioned the nausea), and psychologically about what life post-detox could be. You'll get an idea of what rehab treatment is like in detox as well.

Best of luck to you. I'm not really sure where I stand with the whole AA thing about the "higher power" yet, but I will send you positive vibes.

[Sunnygirl]

Here I go again...

Thank you Alky. I needed to hear that. I do feel better today, Day 3, but am still planning to check in tomorrow if they have a bed available.

One of my darkest memories I have is being drunk as a skunk and going out for a meal with my husband. I'd been drinking since the morning due to my hangover so going out to eat was just another way of keeping them coming. Well I crossed that line into insanity pretty quickly that afternoon, and of course I needed more. On the way home I asked my husband to stop at the store for just "One More Beer". He got me a six-pack, and I proceeded to pop one open before he even got the car started and downed that sucker as fast and hard as I could, all the while wanting to scream and cry out, God stop this craziness, what am I doing! But at the same time, I didn't care what he thought, I just laughed and stayed in the garage when we got home, wallowing while finishing my drinks. It was like in the movies, I was seeing myself from outside my own body, seeing this crazy drunken *ss lady who was so far gone. Who was she? How did she get there? When I was done I laid down on the garage floor ready to pass out. Actually I wanted more but there was no way I was getting any. I had threatened to walk the 3 miles to the store myself (it was night by now), but my husband said he'd call the cops on me if I left. I felt so ashamed and lonely after that, even though he still took care of me. It was as if I was trying to show him how much I hated myself, so he should hate me too.

Anyway, I've gotta get ready for work now. Will check in later. :thanks:

[briseus]

How is everything going SG?
Decided to post here and ask on your progress and update since this is your thread.

[Sunnygirl]

i had forgotten most of what I had written here. It goes back over a year. I did go to detox for a week and I feel that I couldn't have stayed sober without it. If it weren't for the responsibilities at my job, I would have stayed for 30 days. The place I went to was recommended to me by my alcohol counselor. It felt very safe to be in there, mostly I think, from myself.....no access to alcohol. That was last August. I have over 300 days today, and am so afraid to drink again. Despite the trials that have been set before me in the last 9 months, I am much better off without alcohol in my life. It didn't happen overnight, I had millions of false starts but my addiction to alcohol kept winning. The key is, I didn't give up trying to quit. Everyone here understands as they have been through it all. Nothing we can do or say, will surprise the people on this forum. That is the beauty of it....we get it.

[abcowboy]

You did it my friend! No starting over for you, ever again! Congrats on 1 year today! :hug: