I'm still surprised how much reading other threads has helped me so here I go adding in another.
Mentally, I'm still really really foggy. That probably isn't entirely a bad thing, it's reminding me how much I needed to stop if I'm still feeling it and kind of helps me stay AF. I'm already not thinking clearly, goes my thinking, so there's no point in making that even worse!
I expected to be smoking more, since I'm not really watching it at the moment...but turns out I've cut down my smoking by nearly half. I always knew I "kinda" chainsmoked while I was drinking but I had no idea it was that bad.
It's also reminding me of the time I quit smoking for 6 months or so. My sense of smell seems better - I don't think it's the cutting back on smokes as much as I'm more aware of things. Hard to stop and smell the flowers when you're always drinking or thinking about your next drink or planning when to go get more.
Sober, it's harder to put off the medical reasons I needed to stop. My family has a history of diabetes, depression, and alcoholism to name a few. Plus that whole thing where I've had pancreatitis once, a couple years ago, and the doctor specifically told me I shouldn't drink anymore after that because you become SO much more likely for a repeat. Drinking is just about the dumbest thing to do when you have all that stacked up against you. I'm not saying that to be mean to drinking-me; just that I'm realizing how much the drinking clouded my judgment.
My sleep patterns are still sort of off but I can tell I'm getting better sleep. Today was the first time in ages I woke up (late, granted) and actually was excited to get up, make some coffee, and get to some things I want to get done.
The last couple nights I had a few conversations that normally I'd have gotten upset about. I'd have started upset, then had a drink, then gotten more upset, had more to drink, and finally crashed out thinking "Well, I'll deal with it tomorrow." Eventually the feelings would have come out in an awkward splat, followed by me apologizing later. Instead, I saw that I was getting upset, let myself feel it, and then realized that probably everything was ok. I still fretted some because that's what I'm used to doing but I didn't make it worse, I didn't say anything I regretted, and I wasn't still brooding this morning.
I don't want to get all TMI, but my digestive system is much happier with me than it was even while I was tapering down. I'm sure it's actually still off from detoxing but it's still better than it was while I was drinking.
I've had some headaches (and a non related toothache, ow!) but I was able to take a couple OTC pain killers and was fine. When I was drinking I'd always stress about taking anything on top of the booze, and half the time decide to just drink more instead. >. trip to the liquor store, then think about how to get it in the house without any comments. I don't have to panic because it's late at night and I'm almost out. I don't have to argue with myself about how much money I'm spending on AL.
My mom want to go out with me over the weekend and I don't have to panic about if I'll be able to drink there, or if I can drink enough before I leave, or if I'll start getting twitchy and have to try to explain why. Some weekends my brother, his wife, and the nephews come over and I won't have to worry if everyone can tell I've been drinking or feel guilty that the nephews only get to see me while I'm riding a buzz.
If I randomly have to run an errand, I don't have to think about how long it's been since my last drink. If I do get in an accident I don't have to worry that I'll turn up with AL in my system.
It's also been really weird to me how many of the people I consider "healthy" - they work out, eat well, all of that - spend a lot of time drinking and/or say they could never cut out soda either. I'm not saying they're doing anything wrong, probably they drink like normal people
- it's just something I never noticed and thought about before.
It's also been such a long time since I did anything that was honestly *for me*. I do things because I have to, or because I'm bored, or because I probably-should. It feels kind of amazing to know I'm doing something for myself, something GOOD for me, for myself.
Oh - and something really random. I love Stephen King's books. Love love love. But I have always felt vaguely guilty reading certain parts. He doesn't really pull punches about being an alcoholic - both in interviews after he quit and before that, through his characters. And every time he writes a character who stopped drinking or needed to stop drinking, I felt an unease in the back of my head from identifying but not wanting to admit that I did.
Ok, this is getting really long but I have a lot of thoughts and not a lot of other people to tell them to! I don't like making things "about me" but I keep being told that writing helps. Plus I know reading helps me so I'm giving myself permission to ramble, darnit!
I'm amazed at how much more time I have in my day. I'm not exactly moving mountains while I'm still feeling all tired and bleh; but just the not doing all the planning that drinking requires frees up so much time. Add to that the amount of time I'm not doing-random-pointless-thing-while-I-drink and wow.
Speaking of tired though, I think I'd better stop rambling and get to the store like I planned on a couple hours ago. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the things I've done while I was drinking that I never want to do again, but I wanted to post something more positive.
Good luck and best wishes to anyone reading this, lurkers and all. I've still got a long road ahead of me and a lot to figure out, but I'm becoming more sure daily that 1) All those times I wondered about my drinking, I was on to something and 2) AF is going to be happier for me than where I was at. It's not my first time quitting, but I plan to make it for good this time.
Mentally, I'm still really really foggy. That probably isn't entirely a bad thing, it's reminding me how much I needed to stop if I'm still feeling it and kind of helps me stay AF. I'm already not thinking clearly, goes my thinking, so there's no point in making that even worse!
I expected to be smoking more, since I'm not really watching it at the moment...but turns out I've cut down my smoking by nearly half. I always knew I "kinda" chainsmoked while I was drinking but I had no idea it was that bad.
It's also reminding me of the time I quit smoking for 6 months or so. My sense of smell seems better - I don't think it's the cutting back on smokes as much as I'm more aware of things. Hard to stop and smell the flowers when you're always drinking or thinking about your next drink or planning when to go get more.
Sober, it's harder to put off the medical reasons I needed to stop. My family has a history of diabetes, depression, and alcoholism to name a few. Plus that whole thing where I've had pancreatitis once, a couple years ago, and the doctor specifically told me I shouldn't drink anymore after that because you become SO much more likely for a repeat. Drinking is just about the dumbest thing to do when you have all that stacked up against you. I'm not saying that to be mean to drinking-me; just that I'm realizing how much the drinking clouded my judgment.
My sleep patterns are still sort of off but I can tell I'm getting better sleep. Today was the first time in ages I woke up (late, granted) and actually was excited to get up, make some coffee, and get to some things I want to get done.
The last couple nights I had a few conversations that normally I'd have gotten upset about. I'd have started upset, then had a drink, then gotten more upset, had more to drink, and finally crashed out thinking "Well, I'll deal with it tomorrow." Eventually the feelings would have come out in an awkward splat, followed by me apologizing later. Instead, I saw that I was getting upset, let myself feel it, and then realized that probably everything was ok. I still fretted some because that's what I'm used to doing but I didn't make it worse, I didn't say anything I regretted, and I wasn't still brooding this morning.
I don't want to get all TMI, but my digestive system is much happier with me than it was even while I was tapering down. I'm sure it's actually still off from detoxing but it's still better than it was while I was drinking.
I've had some headaches (and a non related toothache, ow!) but I was able to take a couple OTC pain killers and was fine. When I was drinking I'd always stress about taking anything on top of the booze, and half the time decide to just drink more instead. >. trip to the liquor store, then think about how to get it in the house without any comments. I don't have to panic because it's late at night and I'm almost out. I don't have to argue with myself about how much money I'm spending on AL.
My mom want to go out with me over the weekend and I don't have to panic about if I'll be able to drink there, or if I can drink enough before I leave, or if I'll start getting twitchy and have to try to explain why. Some weekends my brother, his wife, and the nephews come over and I won't have to worry if everyone can tell I've been drinking or feel guilty that the nephews only get to see me while I'm riding a buzz.
If I randomly have to run an errand, I don't have to think about how long it's been since my last drink. If I do get in an accident I don't have to worry that I'll turn up with AL in my system.
It's also been really weird to me how many of the people I consider "healthy" - they work out, eat well, all of that - spend a lot of time drinking and/or say they could never cut out soda either. I'm not saying they're doing anything wrong, probably they drink like normal people
- it's just something I never noticed and thought about before.It's also been such a long time since I did anything that was honestly *for me*. I do things because I have to, or because I'm bored, or because I probably-should. It feels kind of amazing to know I'm doing something for myself, something GOOD for me, for myself.
Oh - and something really random. I love Stephen King's books. Love love love. But I have always felt vaguely guilty reading certain parts. He doesn't really pull punches about being an alcoholic - both in interviews after he quit and before that, through his characters. And every time he writes a character who stopped drinking or needed to stop drinking, I felt an unease in the back of my head from identifying but not wanting to admit that I did.
Ok, this is getting really long but I have a lot of thoughts and not a lot of other people to tell them to! I don't like making things "about me" but I keep being told that writing helps. Plus I know reading helps me so I'm giving myself permission to ramble, darnit!
I'm amazed at how much more time I have in my day. I'm not exactly moving mountains while I'm still feeling all tired and bleh; but just the not doing all the planning that drinking requires frees up so much time. Add to that the amount of time I'm not doing-random-pointless-thing-while-I-drink and wow.
Speaking of tired though, I think I'd better stop rambling and get to the store like I planned on a couple hours ago. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the things I've done while I was drinking that I never want to do again, but I wanted to post something more positive.
Good luck and best wishes to anyone reading this, lurkers and all. I've still got a long road ahead of me and a lot to figure out, but I'm becoming more sure daily that 1) All those times I wondered about my drinking, I was on to something and 2) AF is going to be happier for me than where I was at. It's not my first time quitting, but I plan to make it for good this time.
Comment