Announcement

**Alky** · August 16, 2014, 12:03 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Well, here's my first question to you about AA. When you say you gave AA "all you had," what did that entail? Did you work the steps with a sponsor? Did you even admit your powerlessness over alcohol? It's a very scary thing to relinquish control like that, but that's what separates mere sobriety from true recovery. In just about every case of relapse I've seen (in fact, I can't think of a single exception, but I'm sure there are), the person may have stopped drinking, but was not engaging in sober behavior. A good example would be continuing to hang out with friends in bars or pubs. Doesn't matter that you're not drinking. It's a "using behavior." Quitting drinking has much, much, much less to do with "not drinking," than it does making major lifestyle changes.

As far as accountability to your family goes, what about going into some sort of structured treatment like an intensive outpatient therapy? Unlike AA where you can come and go at will, you will be committed to a course of treatment. I almost lost my family, too. IOP was a big reason I didn't. During my second to last grueling detox, when I told my wife in the throes of misery, "this is it," she just scoffed and said "talk is cheap" and after about 5 days when I'm feeling back to normal I'll just be drinking again. And she was right. She skeptically supported my entry into an IOP program thinking it was going to be same old same old, and about a month in, she was absolutely flabbergasted that it was sticking this time.

It sounds to me like some sort of demonstrable commitment to treatment might be what's needed in your situation. I can now understand two months in with a clear head that our families are sick of the broken commitments. When you tell them "this is the time," it's just noise to them. Put yourself in their shoes. Why should they think it's going to be any different this time?

**Matt M.** · August 16, 2014, 12:12 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Thank you Molly your words speaks volumes.
That is were I'm torn. I don't really what to make an announcement, like you stated show with action. I also believe by not announcing, I have an out. Is it an out in case I slip or an out if I "chose" to slip. If that makes sense?

**Alky** · August 16, 2014, 12:22 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Matt M.;1694167 wrote: I also believe by not announcing, I have an out. Is it an out in case I slip or an out if I "chose" to slip. If that makes sense?

It sounds like you've already already decided the outcome. Your 12 days is commendable, but reality is, you're barely out of the fog and not really thinking straight yet. Sorry if that's blunt, but having been educated at the school of hard knocks, I don't sugar coat.

**Eloise** · August 16, 2014, 01:08 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Hi Matt. I didn't make an announcement either, because I did not trust myself.
It even took me quite a while to put AF since May 17th on my signature.
I was just sick of changing it, of being weak, but I managed 90 days af yesterday and feel like I have had enough day 1s.

I am an introvert and cannot even imagine sitting at an AA meeting and talking about my most intimate thoughts and ugly moments.

I am, however, so grateful to have found this forum to hold me accountable for my actions. So, I think we can help you here. You deserve it, do it for yourself. Be accountable to yourself, the rest will come along. You can do it, just think 'for the coming days I won't drink' and it isn't that you aren't going to drink, but you only have to not take that first little sip, right?

**Matt M.** · August 16, 2014, 01:39 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Alky~ thanks for sharing and I'm ok with" blunt". When I decided to post today, I initially was not going to mention the end thing about having an out, but I am promptly reminded that doing the things I used to do hasn't worked and that's being honest. I know by stating what I did it would appear as if I have "decided the outcome" as you stated. Maybe I'm thinking to much, because honestly I have never wanted to not have as desire drink more than now. I really do not want relapse as an outcome.
In regards to AA/ the first 3 steps have never been an issue for me to accept and believe. That is as far as I got, I always wanted to get going on the steps and get through with them in a few months. The sponsor(s) I had would tell me I needed to be sober longer, or we needed to wait till I had year or so. This seem to be norm.
I'm not sure if you agree or disagree with this?
Growing up with family in the program I remember my father would always focus on getting his sponsees through the steps within a few months. Isn't the goal of the 12 steps to overcome a spiritual malady? . IMO AA that I have been exposed to had changed. I'm not blaming anyone for my problems just trying to explain my opinion on AA, be it right, wrong or indifferent.

Molly I appreciate your advise, I am going to focus on Matt first!

**Turnagain** · August 16, 2014, 01:54 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Hi Matt...

Just thought I would bring in another perspective here from someone who no longer drinks - and never will again - without a 12-step program.

I understand your fears about letting down your family. I also understand the danger about leaving yourself an out, too. At 12 days, your brain is just starting to rebuild some of the volume destroyed by drinking so it is not unusual to still feel foggy and indecisive. It's a great thing that you've reached out for some help and support. For what it's worth...here's what I did once I decided that my last quit HAD to be my final and forever quit.

I actually debated about telling my husband for the first 2 weeks and then I did it. It removed that OUT that we are all so familiar with. Then I told my kids. And then I began embracing my new alcohol free life. I didn't disappoint anyone this time - including myself.

After trying and failing to control my drinking for years, I was finally successful because of the ironclad decision to no longer drink...no matter what.

No matter what...isn't about willpower. No matter what is what you cling to in the times when the physical cravings get so great you feel like you NEED to drink NOW. Ride it out....the acute phase of detox is relatively short.

No matter what...gives you the time and space to learn and accept that alcohol is the problem and will always be the problem. Alcohol is a toxic, carcinogenic, addictive drug. It is damaging to all who drink it. No exceptions. It leads to addiction for those who have physiological vulnerabilities. It damages every cell in the body. It causes brain damage. It damages the part of the brain that makes decisions. The damage is cumulative.

No matter what....will help you regain the trust and respect of your family as they see that this time IS truly different.

No matter what....will give you freedom from the white-knuckle fears about relapse because you will truly understand that alcohol is the problem - not you. Keep alcohol out of you then there is no problem. And that is power.

Healing is a process. And it takes a massive, active, informed effort. It also helps to get support. I got mine online here. You are defnitely ready to be done with addiction once and for all. The thought of Forever isn't scary when you realize all it takes to honor that committment is being able to say I no longer drink...no matter what....one moment at a time.

**Eloise** · August 16, 2014, 01:58 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Well put Turnagain.
I am new at all this so I really cannot articulate all this information so well, so thanks for your post.

**Matt M.** · August 16, 2014, 02:12 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Eloise;1694192 wrote: Well put Turnagain.
I am new at all this so I really cannot articulate all this information so well, so thanks for your post.

Eloise thank you for sharing I really appreciate it and congrats on 90!

Turnagain~ -I love everything you said! Thank you
I think I read a book that used the " no matter what"?

**LavenderBlue** · August 16, 2014, 03:03 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Hi Matt, I'm so glad you found this site!

I'm only on Day 4 so I'm not comfy giving advice. (Not my first time quitting, just first time on these boards. I just found them last weekend.) But I wanted to let you know that I've been finding this forum amazingly helpful. There are a lot of wonderful and supportive people here. I've been very fairly warned that it's too soon to know my own head, but support and good thoughts, I can definitely give those!

I think the best advice I got for "announcing" was someone asking me if I really needed to or not? My answer wound up being different than I expected, but that had to do with my own situation. (Very very secretive drinking the last few years.)

Very much good thoughts and support your way!

**Eloise** · August 16, 2014, 03:10 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Sure Matt... We mean well around here. Maybe consider the newbie nest roll call thread? It continues to help me stay connected and on track. In the past when I did not check in there daily I slowly fell off track. I found the thought of being here everyday annoying. Can't I jsut stop drinking and forget it? No I cannot because then I slowly forget WHY I stopped and it starts all over again.
Now I actually enjoy checking in to see how everyone is doing, even if sometimes I do not post so much.

**Matt M.** · August 16, 2014, 07:09 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Thank you Lavender I really appreciate your input and kind words! Feel free to look me up for a chat any time!

**Byrdlady** · August 16, 2014, 08:10 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Links to Newbies Nest and the Tool Box are below! So proud of your 12 days! Well Done! B

**Matt M.** · August 16, 2014, 08:40 PM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Byrdlady;1694299 wrote: Links to Newbies Nest and the Tool Box are below! So proud of your 12 days! Well Done! B

Thank you Byrd!

**autumn** · August 17, 2014, 02:06 AM

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Morning Matt,

Huge congrats on your 12 days. Hang in there as it does get easier. My DH was frazzled with my tears, despair and promises to quit, only to fall flat on my face a few days later.

So I made him a 'today pact', every morning I would say to him, 'today I promise you I will not drink'. I could only promise to get through today as tomorrow was a whole new beast.

There is such good advice here, please stick around and read, there is so much wonderful advice and support here. Keep posting, we want to hear about day 13.........14.........

I hope you have a good day and the fog is starting to clear.

Autumn

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