12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

We've been hacked!
Jerks

mg:hijacked::spam:

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Good evening all, just updating my thread, I have found it really cool and helpful to go back and read people's journeys.

AF Day 22~
I have been keeping myself very busy, working, taking on some projects at home, that I put off for drink.
The busyness has kept the intense cravings to a lull.As of now
My thoughts about al are not pleasant, almost nauseating. Which us good. My concern lies with the future, I know it's not good to worry about the future, yet I have been down this uneven, bumpy road many times before. So many times I let my guard down and let the beast creep back in. I can honestly say at this time, I have never valued or felt so obsessed with protecting my quit more than I do now.
Today I know there is a 100% chance if I take a drink there will be many more to follow. I do not have the ability to moderate. I will never be able to have just one. I know this because I have tried everything known to man kind to achieve the ability to be a"social drinker" I also know that if I were to only put 1% of the effort in to not drinking than the 1000% of effort that I did in drinking I would be successful. Drinking and poisoning my body, thinking about drinking, planning etc, consumed so much of my life, and that is time I will never get back.
I have so many things to be grateful for and with the fog of al I often failed to see them.
My sleep pattern is still jacked up, I have been quite irritable and impatient with my children ( at least I can remember it and what I said) exercise is helping ease my irritability.
Although my sleep has been off I am waking up in the mornings so happy and proud. The stress of the morning regrets, shame and hangovers were becoming unbearable.
I'm grateful for these great feelings of well being, and the quality time with my young children,
I must not forget this and I must protect my quit! And never let my guard down!
Thanks that is all

[Overit-still]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Matt, my heart goes out to you. I know your feelings and guilt and regret and..........all to well. Keep this up, you have too much to lose not to. You're doing great!

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

OS~ Thank you so much, I saw some of your post on other threads looks like you have a lot to offer. I really hope to see you around. Thanks again

[Overit-still]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Matt-thanks. I don't know what I have to offer other than the perfect example of how to screw up a good thing, over and over and over again..........So, yes, learn from me

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

OS~
I do get it
I too have been in this viscous cycle for many years. Getting in here and reading stories of relapse, so many of the stories are carbon copies of my past experiences. This has helped me so much, reading about the guilt and shame, regrets has really made this quit feel different. You know when the beast creeps back and convinces us it's going to be different this time!
I don't want to feel that way again,
I commend you for coming back after slipping, I'm finding all our stories be them good or bad can and will help souls like us.
Hope your doing well, stay hard! And feel free to chat with me anytime!

[available]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Matt my motto is "today i will not drink". like you i know that one drink will take me to where i never want to be again. I still have urges after nearly 9 months but they are bearable but seem to last about 3 days, no intensity of a craving but just al sitting there hoping something will happen to make me take that first drink. I wont let it happen as it is my choice to give in or accept that i cant drink.

My sleep was screwed for months and still is sometimes now. I put up with it as like you, i love waking up sober. Your emotions will even out but that takes time and we have a lot of that now we are not drinking.

I had so many day 1's it was a joke but then this quit it just worked, something clicked and that was it. It hasnt been easy but its been doable. I can do doable.

You are doing so well Matt, keep it up and keep vigilant.

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Ava~ thank you,
I have noticed you always take the time to respond or shed some light on many threads. I always enjoy what you have to offer, given your success and many others on here that continue to stay plugged in here day in and day out, my goal is to follow suit! I look forward to many more chats!

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Hope everyone is having a great Labor day,
As I creep up on 30 days I have been feeling surprisingly good, especially as far as cravings go, my last quits when I have reached the 30 day mark, I recall really battling with the reality of "never again" and the cravings were very intense, From what I remember anyway. As I've mentioned before I have never felt this obsessed about protecting my quit.
With all that being said, here in the great state of Texas Usa, September 1 marks the being of hunting season with migratory birds/ Dove hunting. This Is a yearly ritual I have been a part of since I was a child. Of course as an adult it had always been a guys weekend out and camp and drink lots and I mean an absurd amount of Cold Beer.
After hunting this morning everyone gathered around the truck and cleaned there birds and the ice chest began opening. I found myself literally salivating watching the ice chest frost/condensation run down the can, I may have heard Angels singing:wings: or more likely the beast telling me in my head GD! That looks good.
I quickly quenched my immediate thirst with a bottle of water.
I then did something I read on here in the beginning. I ran a "what if I drank a couple" scenario and plotted out how the rest of the day and days to follow would have gone.While plotting this out in my head, it didn't take but just a second for me to realize and remember that all of my 20 quits prior started out just like today, maybe not the camping/hunting scenario. It could be at a pool party, at a Christmas party, work dinner etcetc. All of these occasions a certain drink looks astonishingly good for a second and then Boom! I let my guard down and let that Fucker~Al take over again.

I'm glad to say the beast didn't win today I must never let my guard down for if I do that sneaky MF can creep in. Moderation is not an option for me never ever.

(A note to myself in case I forget, I plan on going back and reading this one day).
Dear Matt,
Hope your doing well, just a quick reminder in the event you decide to be a dumb shit~ YOU CAN NOT DRINK ALCOHOL, NOT ONE, NONE! YOU CAN NOT MODERATE YOU HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO MODERATE, IT DIDN'T WORK! NOW GO ENJOY YOUR GRACIOUS,NO SHAME, NO REMORSE, NO GUILT LIFE!
Matt :thanks:

[Pie]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Congratulations to you on your 30 day milestone, Matt! Enjoy your accomplishment!

Pie :goodjob:

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Thank you Pie!

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Hello all my MWOs

My goal from the start has been to keep a journal. I have really found it so helpful to read others journeys.

Been doing OK I guess, I find myself in a bit of a funk. When I was drinking , My job ( the schedule, and stress of it) I believe, has been a trigger or gave my al mind a reason to medicate or more like mask my stress and the symptoms that come with stress.
I am a Public servant in a large city with close to 20 years of service. While we all find ways to deal with the horrific things we see, I have never really dealt with this other than by drowning them.

My daily issues directly related to my profession is lack of sleep, having a schedule which allows me days off in the week day. With that I often find myself, like today, with restless,irritable time on my hands. Wife and kids at work and school. This has always been my day drinking time.
The f up thing is I really have not had the cravings to drink with this, yet the feelings I am experiencing are making me uncomfortable. I have not dealt with these with a sober mind in a long time.
Trying to motivate myself to get out and exercise more.
The main thing I have been doing and will continue to do, if the F it's come to me, is to replay in my head that if I choose to drink and not protect my quit, my current shitty mood or restlessness with return 10 fold.
At this point in my life I have to wonder if I have another"quit" in me? Or could the next drink be the last if me? I do not want to go there, I do not want to re live the misery I have spewed on my loved ones and myself. Feels good to get this out in writing,
No matter what I'm not going to drink today.
Thanks

[Eloise]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Yeah, good for you Matt.
You just have to live through those bad feels, you will start to get a feel for where they fit in your new life. Or where you want to put them.
As you said drinking just makes the problem worse, the bad feelings more intense.
Exercise is a good plan, I have taken up baking homemade snacks for my students, which they love. I go to the gym regularly, paint, ....
Time for a puppy? there is a fun distraction! When in doubt get a teckel, right Nar?!!!
I think what I mean is maybe it is time to add a new element of fun in your life?

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

Eloise~ I think your on to something, I'll have to work on finding a new element of fun.
Right now I have 2 dogs a chocolate lab and Boston terrier( they dont know there dogs)
3 boys 7,12,15 :nutso: and they pretty much destroy everything I own. I'm pretty sure they could fuck up a rock fightops:
Anyway thanks for the advice and words of wisdom!
Take care friend and Stay Hard!

[Matt M.]

12 days AF~need to get some things off my chest

This is a copy if a post/ story i shared in the nest. It was something I had never shared. Just posting here the thread I started, for a journal I have been trying to keep..

" Kensho~ Not much I can say here, And I really wasn't going to, because I felt this was not my place at a time like this( being new) And let the heavy hitters weigh in. But I am because I care, and have grown fond of your journey.?
The members who have spoken to you are the heart and soul if this site. With wisdom and knowledge about this fucked up disease that is off the charts.?
I want to share something with you that I have not shared with anyone. My last al free time lasted 10 months, this was prob my 10~15 time to quit over 15 years.?
Alcohol had caused many problems in home/marriage; anyway about 8 months in to my last quit, I started getting the, " what ifs" it will be different,etc. Mentally I had prepared myself I was going to drink, and that is were my cunning, deceitful al mind went into overdrive. I had to figure out a way to convince the wife that it was ok to drink (and I truly thought it was) so at the 8 month mark I sat down with her and told her that I had been drinking a little for the past 8 months. Which was a big lie! You see things had been so much better at home, my lie was to prove I could moderate and take care of business and not be a dick all the time.?
She wasn't really happy, but by the response I knew I had a chance to get back in the drinking game. After that and for the next 2 months I did not drink, but would make occasional subtle hints about it. Then at around 10 months AF, we went to my high school reunion. I had convinced her that I had been moderating for nearly a year and she succumb. Me knowing that that night at the reunion I had not taken a drink in 10 months! .?
That night lasted 2 more years of waists, and selfish time away from my 3 little boys. And I'm here again!?

I tell you this not to make this about "ME" but to show how fucking wheels off the Al mind can be, the planning the lying. I set the stage for that drink For several months, that is not normal.?
My dear friend as others have stated, you came to this site for a reason, it is because your an alcoholic.?
I can't imagine the obstacle you are facing by having your family pressure of having a drink. This is about YOU and your life and your sweet children.?
Please do not take that first drink.?
I am a big fan of yours and I'm pulling for you!