...since you looked at me. Threw your arms in the air and said, 'You're crazy.'"
Seemed appropriate; been ages since I listened to Barenaked Ladies, though.
I know my days counting is a little off - like I said in another thread, for one I was drinking round the clock. And for two...I've been on a night schedule for a while, too. When I'm up until 4 or 5am and sleep til 3 or 4pm...well, my days were/are off from everyone else's even before I started my quit.
So; wow, yeah I've made it a week AF now! I planned on this being for good and for real, but it still feels really good to know I made it that long. On the one hand, my mom though it was ok to joke at me if I was "going to have a drink to celebrate" >.< but on the other hand she brought me ice cream and a "Congrats" balloon so hey, she's trying.
I've been working on figuring out a lot of balance with things, a step at a time. Being open to advice while also knowing I need to take responsibility for my own quit. Thinking about the AF life I *want* to have without "forgetting" all the negative reasons I need to make that decision. Filling my time with other things without just transferring the alcoholic behavior to a new addiction.
I know that what I want, and what I need, is to make a new life for myself. It's hard to explain without coming off wrong - I accept that I have always had a drinking problem even when I had it "under control" and I understand that I can't slip even though it's likely I'll always be tempted to one degree or another. I need to be aware of it even when I think I'm past it, because it will always be a danger for me. But I also want to see it as a life choice rather than always viewing myself as denying myself something, if that makes sense. So not just stop drinking, but look at healthy ways to handle the feelings and fears and sadness that I used drinking to avoid. It's going to take time, but it's something I want very much.
I think I've mentioned that one of the things I'm most aware of in a good way this first week is a sense of relief. I can stop arguing with myself about if I have a problem or not - I do, end story. I can stop lying to myself and other people about it; I HATE lying and it's been killing me inside all these years to do so. I can stop bargaining with myself and trying to moderate when it never lasts. I can stop feeling like I have this awful horrible secret that makes me a bad person, and I can stop having serious worries about what I'm doing to my body. (Not that the damage I've already done isn't scary, just at least I know I'm not making it worse, now.)
I think any major life change only happens when the person is ready, all the way down to their bones. By all rights, my bottom "should" have been the year my drinking was bad enough to get pancreatitis - when I was passing out on the floor while petting my dog, among other things. But I was so convinced I was drinking because of my depression and my stress that I didn't *see* that til the weekend before last. I had another in a string of dumb arguments with a dear friend - and not even a bad one, just one that would not have happened if I was sober. I was deeply depressed that my life has never gotten back from where I was a few years back no matter how hard I tried. And I clicked a link in a Cracked article that brought me here. And over the course of the night (I stayed up reading, all night) the lightbulb finally started to go on.
So that's why I'm free with my thank you's for everyone on these boards. My mind had been screaming at me for a long time that I needed to make a change, but for the life of me I couldn't see what change I most needed until I stumbled in here. I know the boards aren't magic, and we're all just people doing the best we can. But that was the final piece for my "ah-ha" moment; and it (you guys) continues to be my anchor and reminder as I try to sort out where to go from here. I don't feel like I'm alone in trying to sort things out and that makes such a difference. :h
That got long, but spending a LOT of time thinking, here. Starting to make up for all the years I put off thinking about things 'til later, I suppose. I've not even started getting into my major life issues yet - job hunt is on hold, for one. But it feels good each time I deny a craving and make it through. It feels good to be able to sit here and know if I did nothing else today that I'm sure is right, I've stayed sober.
Seemed appropriate; been ages since I listened to Barenaked Ladies, though.
I know my days counting is a little off - like I said in another thread, for one I was drinking round the clock. And for two...I've been on a night schedule for a while, too. When I'm up until 4 or 5am and sleep til 3 or 4pm...well, my days were/are off from everyone else's even before I started my quit.
So; wow, yeah I've made it a week AF now! I planned on this being for good and for real, but it still feels really good to know I made it that long. On the one hand, my mom though it was ok to joke at me if I was "going to have a drink to celebrate" >.< but on the other hand she brought me ice cream and a "Congrats" balloon so hey, she's trying.
I've been working on figuring out a lot of balance with things, a step at a time. Being open to advice while also knowing I need to take responsibility for my own quit. Thinking about the AF life I *want* to have without "forgetting" all the negative reasons I need to make that decision. Filling my time with other things without just transferring the alcoholic behavior to a new addiction.
I know that what I want, and what I need, is to make a new life for myself. It's hard to explain without coming off wrong - I accept that I have always had a drinking problem even when I had it "under control" and I understand that I can't slip even though it's likely I'll always be tempted to one degree or another. I need to be aware of it even when I think I'm past it, because it will always be a danger for me. But I also want to see it as a life choice rather than always viewing myself as denying myself something, if that makes sense. So not just stop drinking, but look at healthy ways to handle the feelings and fears and sadness that I used drinking to avoid. It's going to take time, but it's something I want very much.
I think I've mentioned that one of the things I'm most aware of in a good way this first week is a sense of relief. I can stop arguing with myself about if I have a problem or not - I do, end story. I can stop lying to myself and other people about it; I HATE lying and it's been killing me inside all these years to do so. I can stop bargaining with myself and trying to moderate when it never lasts. I can stop feeling like I have this awful horrible secret that makes me a bad person, and I can stop having serious worries about what I'm doing to my body. (Not that the damage I've already done isn't scary, just at least I know I'm not making it worse, now.)
I think any major life change only happens when the person is ready, all the way down to their bones. By all rights, my bottom "should" have been the year my drinking was bad enough to get pancreatitis - when I was passing out on the floor while petting my dog, among other things. But I was so convinced I was drinking because of my depression and my stress that I didn't *see* that til the weekend before last. I had another in a string of dumb arguments with a dear friend - and not even a bad one, just one that would not have happened if I was sober. I was deeply depressed that my life has never gotten back from where I was a few years back no matter how hard I tried. And I clicked a link in a Cracked article that brought me here. And over the course of the night (I stayed up reading, all night) the lightbulb finally started to go on.
So that's why I'm free with my thank you's for everyone on these boards. My mind had been screaming at me for a long time that I needed to make a change, but for the life of me I couldn't see what change I most needed until I stumbled in here. I know the boards aren't magic, and we're all just people doing the best we can. But that was the final piece for my "ah-ha" moment; and it (you guys) continues to be my anchor and reminder as I try to sort out where to go from here. I don't feel like I'm alone in trying to sort things out and that makes such a difference. :h
That got long, but spending a LOT of time thinking, here. Starting to make up for all the years I put off thinking about things 'til later, I suppose. I've not even started getting into my major life issues yet - job hunt is on hold, for one. But it feels good each time I deny a craving and make it through. It feels good to be able to sit here and know if I did nothing else today that I'm sure is right, I've stayed sober.
Comment