Hello Nesters,
Today is like dejavu. Today I have completed 6 months in sobriety. I feel so proud of myself to accomplishing the seemingly in accomplishable few months back.
I have gone thru desperate really desperate moments. But as they say desperation can be a gift as in those moments one sees light. I too saw light when I was in such a desperate situation in a Bombay hotel where I had come to attend a conference. Checking to Business hotels had become a routine. By bag used to be lighter than the 12 pack cans of beers which used to bring for after bar hours, in room bar session ...
Desperate it was then moment when I realized something is wrong really wrong. I need booze to sleep, booze to travel, to shop, to spend time, to fly, to love .... It was every where ...
I used to drink alone, being a loner thru out my life with not many friends which is true even today I had embraced booze as an extension of my self, my medicine, my solution to life, solution to all worries. And I was so wrong.
I always thought I can play with my body and control it some how .... Cholesterol high take meds, liver issues take more ... And then drink. Workout in working like crazy drink hard at night. But now I realize I was playing with my mind .. I was making myself crazy absolute crazy. And now it is healing.
So why De javu ? today after 6 months being sober I am going back to the same hotel where I first opened my MWO account and had my first post. It was one of those early 3 am when I woke up with dry throat, head spinning, mind super active without sleep , yet dizzy and foggy. With empty bottles around, as empty as my self esteem, shame and guilt. It made me I realize I need to so something. And I did ! I gave up myself to MWO. I asked for help. I started reading, watching sharing, and most importantly expressing.
The journey was tough. It started of well but was not sure. Idea of living without AL was something I could not imagine. I didn't think much about it then and First 45 days were wonderful. But I fell ... And fell deeper. I was not ready I was able to accept only one thing : I can live without AL. I was controlling it.
But then while in pits of AL dungeon I saw myself , questioned myself everyday. This is no way to live. This is not life.
Next commitment to sobriety started 6 months back but this time I was ready. I knew there is no turning back. Abstaining 100% is the only answer. The only way.
But there was a problem. Big problem ! Abstaining for me equal to : giving up, controlling, not enjoying, feeling deprived, always feeling missing out in life ... That's when I came across ALLAN wonderful book which gave me a new and fresh prospective. After reading it and knowing that I dont have to feel deprived. I am giving up anything ! Rather embracing so much more, treat AL as poison, not seeing myself as a desperate alcoholic but as a proud, enlightened recovering alcoholic. Enlightened as I have seen the dark places of drug addiction and have see the light after that. Proud because today I am not fighting it. I am not controlling it. I dont want it.
Initial days were tough very very tough. Like I lost a best friend , or my soul mate. Or like someone had died. What life without it. But after 7 days it brought sense into me.
Past 6 months I have traveled a lot.
Germany: Dusseldorf, Hamburg
Switzerland : Zurich and Rapperswil,
Belarus : Minsk,
Holland: Amsterdam,
China: Hong Kong, shanghai, Guangzou
Thailand : Bangkok, Phuket
Taiwan: Tainan
Korea, Seoul.
Srilanka : Colombo
India : Bombay, Calcutta, Goa
Dubai
Today I start my 10 day journey for Bombay, Switzerland and Hamburg. My point of sharing all the above info is that with so much travels one becomes so attracted to AL. It sounds to fascinating and exciting to travel to new places and drink local AL. Especially when you are being pampered by suppliers, customers etc. But I feel so proud and grateful that in all these places I was sober and in peace with myself! Second point I made the above list is to show in every of these situations when I was there sober I was making a mental note of situations when I was in front of AL and by evening I used to express these mental note on MWO. This really really helped.
There has been so many situation at these places and at customer dinners, family functions, parties etc. where I could have had a drink but chose not to. Now with feeling of deprivation or seeing myself as a victim or with a feeling low I cannot drink and am missing out. On the contrary I used to feel extremely proud to face situation and not having a drink. And most importantly GRATITUDE !!
I write this on a flight starting my 10 days journey, listing to coming back to life by pink flyod . I cannot express my FEELING of pride and gratitude.
If there is GOD then he is my friend, my care taker. It made me an alcoholic and made me sober and AM so grateful to showing both sides. For when there is darkness ones see light. For when there is sickness one appreciates health. For when there is sadness and despair one truly appreciates the delight.
My message to all the new bies. You are at the right place. Hang on, express, read, share ...
THANKS YOU ALL for this wonderful journey towards sobriety. This is only the beginning. Thanks all for listening to me sharing with me, supporting me and most importantly guiding and me when ever I stumbled.
So what's next : come back to shape. Eat healthy, work out and get fit !
Today is like dejavu. Today I have completed 6 months in sobriety. I feel so proud of myself to accomplishing the seemingly in accomplishable few months back.
I have gone thru desperate really desperate moments. But as they say desperation can be a gift as in those moments one sees light. I too saw light when I was in such a desperate situation in a Bombay hotel where I had come to attend a conference. Checking to Business hotels had become a routine. By bag used to be lighter than the 12 pack cans of beers which used to bring for after bar hours, in room bar session ...
Desperate it was then moment when I realized something is wrong really wrong. I need booze to sleep, booze to travel, to shop, to spend time, to fly, to love .... It was every where ...
I used to drink alone, being a loner thru out my life with not many friends which is true even today I had embraced booze as an extension of my self, my medicine, my solution to life, solution to all worries. And I was so wrong.
I always thought I can play with my body and control it some how .... Cholesterol high take meds, liver issues take more ... And then drink. Workout in working like crazy drink hard at night. But now I realize I was playing with my mind .. I was making myself crazy absolute crazy. And now it is healing.
So why De javu ? today after 6 months being sober I am going back to the same hotel where I first opened my MWO account and had my first post. It was one of those early 3 am when I woke up with dry throat, head spinning, mind super active without sleep , yet dizzy and foggy. With empty bottles around, as empty as my self esteem, shame and guilt. It made me I realize I need to so something. And I did ! I gave up myself to MWO. I asked for help. I started reading, watching sharing, and most importantly expressing.
The journey was tough. It started of well but was not sure. Idea of living without AL was something I could not imagine. I didn't think much about it then and First 45 days were wonderful. But I fell ... And fell deeper. I was not ready I was able to accept only one thing : I can live without AL. I was controlling it.
But then while in pits of AL dungeon I saw myself , questioned myself everyday. This is no way to live. This is not life.
Next commitment to sobriety started 6 months back but this time I was ready. I knew there is no turning back. Abstaining 100% is the only answer. The only way.
But there was a problem. Big problem ! Abstaining for me equal to : giving up, controlling, not enjoying, feeling deprived, always feeling missing out in life ... That's when I came across ALLAN wonderful book which gave me a new and fresh prospective. After reading it and knowing that I dont have to feel deprived. I am giving up anything ! Rather embracing so much more, treat AL as poison, not seeing myself as a desperate alcoholic but as a proud, enlightened recovering alcoholic. Enlightened as I have seen the dark places of drug addiction and have see the light after that. Proud because today I am not fighting it. I am not controlling it. I dont want it.
Initial days were tough very very tough. Like I lost a best friend , or my soul mate. Or like someone had died. What life without it. But after 7 days it brought sense into me.
Past 6 months I have traveled a lot.
Germany: Dusseldorf, Hamburg
Switzerland : Zurich and Rapperswil,
Belarus : Minsk,
Holland: Amsterdam,
China: Hong Kong, shanghai, Guangzou
Thailand : Bangkok, Phuket
Taiwan: Tainan
Korea, Seoul.
Srilanka : Colombo
India : Bombay, Calcutta, Goa
Dubai
Today I start my 10 day journey for Bombay, Switzerland and Hamburg. My point of sharing all the above info is that with so much travels one becomes so attracted to AL. It sounds to fascinating and exciting to travel to new places and drink local AL. Especially when you are being pampered by suppliers, customers etc. But I feel so proud and grateful that in all these places I was sober and in peace with myself! Second point I made the above list is to show in every of these situations when I was there sober I was making a mental note of situations when I was in front of AL and by evening I used to express these mental note on MWO. This really really helped.
There has been so many situation at these places and at customer dinners, family functions, parties etc. where I could have had a drink but chose not to. Now with feeling of deprivation or seeing myself as a victim or with a feeling low I cannot drink and am missing out. On the contrary I used to feel extremely proud to face situation and not having a drink. And most importantly GRATITUDE !!
I write this on a flight starting my 10 days journey, listing to coming back to life by pink flyod . I cannot express my FEELING of pride and gratitude.
If there is GOD then he is my friend, my care taker. It made me an alcoholic and made me sober and AM so grateful to showing both sides. For when there is darkness ones see light. For when there is sickness one appreciates health. For when there is sadness and despair one truly appreciates the delight.
My message to all the new bies. You are at the right place. Hang on, express, read, share ...
THANKS YOU ALL for this wonderful journey towards sobriety. This is only the beginning. Thanks all for listening to me sharing with me, supporting me and most importantly guiding and me when ever I stumbled.
So what's next : come back to shape. Eat healthy, work out and get fit !
Comment