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    #1

    Going Under

    I am so sick of waking up in the night or early morning and worrying about health damage and why I need to drink every night (and sometimes, more often recently, during the day).Last test my liver results were mildly elevated, I have blotchy palms, spider naevi on my chest,pain under my right ribs generally very bloodshot eyes.
    I wonder is it worth going thru the giving up, if I am dying anyway?
    I have a couple of AF days every so often, then just have one to take the edge off (yeah right)
    Yet, I have two wonderful little girls and want to see them growing up, but I just dont think I will.
    Have supps and hypno cd's but that man's voice, and suggestions annoy me so much, ( there is no such thing as a very nice escalator ) that I am more tense thru using them. Why am I putting up such resistance? How do I get past it?
    For the record, when expecting my gorgeous babies, 2 and 4, I stopped drink the moment I knew they were on their way, and only started after stopping breastfeeding. If I could do that before I met them, why can I not do it now when they are such a glorious reality?
    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
    Any input appreciated.
    Pipsqueak
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    #2
    Going Under

    You are not alone. Reading your posting was like seeing a transcript of my life. Like you, I gave up drinking each time I got pregnant (3 times) because I didn't want to hurt my babies but now they are their own little people I don't seem to have the willpower to do it for them (or me). I also worry about dying and the health risks of drinking like I do and yet I still keep doing it.... If we put our minds to it and use this board for support we can do it. Please don't give up hope and don't beat yourself up - it'll just make the battle even harder. Good luck.
    "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." Ralph Waldo Emerson :rays:

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      #3
      Going Under

      Pipsqueak, sounds like you are hurting right now and aren't sure what to do next. Is there anything else that is bothering you, that you feel is making you drink?

      Our mind can be both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Part of you know that you need to stop drinking, yet another part of you doesn't want to let it go. When I was drinking, I used it as a crutch to deal with a lot of anger and resentment in my life (past as well as present). Anything that interrupted my drinking cycling only made me more angry, and the funny that was - looking back at it now they were such trivial things.

      For you, for your girls, and for your future together it is certainly worth stopping drinking. But, you have to truly want to stop and you and only you can make that decision. You've shown that you can do it before given the right motivation. The body is a truly amazing machine, and yours can bounce back from this if you give it a chance.

      So, can you find something to motivate you like that again? Best of luck to you, and we're here for you...
      Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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        #4
        Going Under

        I am a different type of drinker so I don't know if I response will be appropriate, but I would like to try to help since I am a mother of 3 also.
        The biggest concern I have in life is my children and I do not want the growing up thinking that in order to have fun or to relax or to pass time, that alcohol needs to be involved. I grew up with a family that made every event we ever had revolve around alcohol and that is where I get my binge drinking problem. If it is a get together that means "what are we drinking?". Anyway, I want my kids to have more quality in there life than that, and usually that helps me to try ad not use alcohol all of the time.
        I have to ask, how much is it that you are drinking per night that has you worried? I always have heard that 1 glass of wine or 1 beer or 1 drink is actually good for you.
        I am not trying to be ignorant I just have a dif type of drinking problem I think.
        Here we go again.

        AL FREE since Saturday the 14th of March 2009

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          #5
          Going Under

          Pip, You can do this and you have children that will love you for it. I was drinking way too much before I found this place. I couldn't even remember putting my kids to bed when I would wake up the next morning. That is when I decided it was time for a change. I go back and look at my first couple of posts and realize how far I have come.

          You can do this. Do not give up. So the CD's annoy you, so what, find something else that works. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

          What are your triggers? Finding them will help a lot. I find new ones almost every week.
          "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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            #6
            Going Under

            Pipsqueak:
            Why,why,why?? I asked myself that so many times everyday. I still do from time to time. I don't have all the answers but I do know that you are worth any and all the effort you put towards slowing down your drinking or stopping all together. I also have two children and, like Beaches, couldn't remember putting them to bed at night. I was missing out on their little lives and I hated myself for it every day and I asked my "why?" I was relieved when I came here. I don't use all of the tools, just the ones that I think work for me. If you don't like the CD's, try something else. I use the Topamax. Whatever you decide, just keep coming here and reading and posting and let us know how you are doing. I can see you have been a member for a while, don't give up! Take care!
            Learning to live life on the outside of a bottle. :flower:

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              #7
              Going Under

              Pips, you have come to the right place.
              Give yourself sometime to experiment with the tools, and see which ones work for you.
              I can't take all the supps, but love the CD's.
              Everyone is different.
              Don't give up, just stay with us.
              There is so much information and support here.
              Meow-Meow
              MonaKitty

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                #8
                Going Under

                Believing you are mortally hurting yourself and still doing it are not uncommon with us. Why we do it I am not sure. I personally drank for years after I was told it was probably why I was going blind in my left eye. Why did I drink? Because I reasoned I still had a right eye and it was working fine. I also drank after I realized it was causing me to lose the contact sensation in my feet and hands. Numb toes are no big deal, then numb ends of my feet are no big deal, then numb up to my ankles was no big deal. Finally, with numb feet and no sense of balance, I started the falling down phase. Did I quit drinking? NO I just didn't feel I could do it. It was so important in my life. We all do things which don't make any sense; but as long as we don't give up, we can still make it. Don't give up. No matter what; never give up.

                God Bless
                Bear
                What St. Frances of Assisi said of himself is true for me.
                ?If God can work through me He can work through anybody.?

                Comment

                  #9
                  Going Under

                  Hey Pipsqueak,

                  I'm sorry to hear about the way you are feeling....I don't have children, but I do completely understand the whole giving up thing. The others are very right, it is about you, your well being and your future. I don't know which is better, to be alone in body and spirit (personally isolating yourself) or having a support network to help out, family and friends. I've just recently reached out..not to AA or anything, but to docs, my boss, and a close friend in this city...well, only friend, as my drinking has really kept me just home and alone...but, it does really help, it is no longer my 'big secret'. I don't know if this will help, I am only a newbie....but during the last month I have been listening to a 15 week program (albeit, on and off) regarding attacking anxiety and depression. At first it was just for the hell of it, cause I never suspected I had either, but after listening to the stories, everything really hit home, and some things I always thought I was weird about, may have some deeper foundation. The funny thing is, and beleive me, I am not having ANY luck with the docs (full story, see my post on withdrawal symptoms), but during this time, I have surprisingly been able to keep my anxiety at bay (although, I am fully watching my signs & symptoms), which is always the scariest when even thinking about giving up the drink or moderating. There is no hypno involved, there is a relaxation recording that I have used sporadically, it is mostly just listening to the stories and hearing things that I've often felt, it also has a workbook which helps to go through signs and symptoms that I think a lot of us can relate to. Please don't get me wrong, I am not in ANY way implying that you have anxiety or are depressed, I just thought I'd mention it, and can send you the download if interested. I just found that it is helping me get through my scary/crazy thoughts regarding my own drinking and thoughts in general. This offer is out to anyone else who is interested as well. (not a sales pitch, I downloaded it from bit torrent, but I have found it has put my mind at ease...especially since I have not yet received my supps or anything else). In any case Pipsqueak, you are here just like the rest of us, so that is a great starting point, when you are ready, you know you will have all the support in the world. Good luck to you, and please don't give up on yourself...it sounds like you have a lot to live for, and moreso, a lot more livin to do
                  * Send me a message anytime if interested in the program...but just don't tell the internet downloading police, as I really don't want to be wanted by interpol for passing on copywrite information...
                  Take Care
                  4ever

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Going Under

                    Thank you so much to everyone who replied, it does feel so better to know I am not alone. Cannot get to pc that often so not always up to date. Have been working last few days and has made me feel better, maybe because looking out more, not contemplating wreck of life, which is only that if I let it.
                    I know it sounds like I have some deep seated problem, but have had counselling, and basically is nothing there, I am just addicted to alcohol.
                    Have joined gym, maybe activity help. I love my children so much, but totally related to posts about not remembering putting them to bed at night. Feel so guilty, and when am sobering up, over two or three, or sometimes ten days, these feelings are so hard. Drinking masks these. Am messed up.
                    Pipsqueak

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                      #11
                      Going Under

                      Pipsqueak, I don' think there is anything wrong with you - at least no more so than all the rest of us! And we are a great bunch so keep coming back. I find the cds really helpful. Did you listen to the clearing cd first? maybe you want to do it a couple of times before the other cds. I just kind of ignore his voice and do what he says. My elevator is just an elevator in a nice building, nothing fancy. I just pay attention to the down part. Can you give them another chance? There is a section where you can put in your own ideas so you can visualize how you want to be and I find that helps me stay hopeful.

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