Looking back on fear

[Pinecone]

I got this idea for a post after reading something that Musomatt had posted about training for or running in a race. It was kind of a while ago. If I remember correctly, Matt was posting about how good he felt and his enthusiasm and then apologized for going on about it. He was rightly corrected by people telling him that it IS very helpful for others to read about enthusiasm for things, health, real AF life.

We often don't realize how things we post can have an effect on people who just came here.

I don't think about fear of sobriety, quitting drinking, AF life anymore. That sentence looks absurd in print to me! AF life is a wonderful thing, and it is the keystone of my life now. Of course, that was not something I knew about before I quit. It is a slow kind of realization that came with a little bit of AF time. I was actually very terrified to quit drinking. I thought that my life would be no fun, I would have no way to relax. I used to get very upset and defensive when my wife would try to talk to me about my drinking. It was a fear of losing that "way of life" (way of death is probably more appropriate!).

I wanted to quit for years before I actually did. The fear of the "unknown" AF life kept me from being serious about it and taking any real kind of steps.
I don't think about that fear anymore. I do know that many people who come here at first do have that fear.
If I could go back and visit my drinking self years ago, I would tell me to just dump the fear right out and get started on an AF path! Not to waste any more time! I'm not crying over spilled milk, or having regrets that I didn't do it sooner, though. I'm just very grateful to be one of the lucky ones who did get out.

I thought if we posted about our initial fear of quitting compared to the real richness of AF life that it may help someone coming here for the first time. If anyone else had a simlar experience, maybe we could post it here so a new person could see it and it could help with that fear. Thanks!

[NoSugar]

You're right, Pinecone - the fear can loom as a seemingly insurmountable barrier. I don't think I was able to even articulate that what I was feeling was fear but looking back, it was.

My life had become so limited, so dictated by drinking, that there really wasn't a whole lot else to it - and certainly nothing that I was enthused about or that brought me pleasure or joy or even contentment. To quit drinking meant giving up the one thing that I seemed to care about. So that probably is fear - of there being nothing left. I couldn't imagine a life without drinking but it turns out, that's because alcohol killed my imagination.

Lurkers, take the leap! It's nothing to be afraid of, especially with support, and over time, it becomes your normal, real, AF life.

[available]

great thread Pine.

I was petrified about giving up drinking, why did i have to stop. I loved al, he as my friend, my lover, my life. He relieved all my boredom, took away my sadness and made me feel so much better UNTIL the next day when the shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, depression set in. Hitting the repeat button daily took everything i held dear and made me a shell of a person. I didnt care in the end except for that next drink. I had no self respect, no energy, no love for myself and no direction in my life. When i decided to give up drinking i was determined but unsure if i could accomplish the impossible. Could i stop something that i clearly knew would kill me? I thought i would be the most boring person that roamed the world, how would i fill in all this time i would have, how could i possibly be happy without al.

Fast forward to now and i think back then i was scared also of finding me without al. What kind of person am i without that crutch, will people still like me? How will i deal with life and the stressors in it?

As I have gotten more time from al i have become the person i knew was drowning by al, i have coped with some amazing challenges in my life sober. I am closer to my family than i have been when drinking. I wake up every single day and appreciate the simple things in life. I am more motivated and i dont have enough hours in the day now. I communicate better, i am not defensive about people finding out about my drinking. I am not depressed or anxious thinking al helped these feelings, i am off my medications. I am not scared anymore, i am happy.

I do know i could not have made it this far without support from like minded people who completely understand an alcoholic and i cant take back the past but i am making a fantastic future.

I totally agree to lurkers if you have wanted to stop drinking then jump in, its hard but it is the best journey i have been on and there are many more af journeys coming up in my life which i will take and run with.

[bkyogagurl]

That's exactly where I am right now....

[j-vo]

For me, I'm afraid of failure. I've always been afaid to fail at what I attempt. And I have failed many times over the past year. My fear is that I won't get it right. But I'm like that with any and all of the things in my life. Not just drinking. What I need to do is forget about the failures from the past, and learn from them. Use the many tools I have, the great support I get here, and look forward. I've got this.

[MossRose]

Yes, j-vo - you've got this. We've both had a rough year of starts and stops, but we also both know how wonderful an AF life is and how wonderful it feels NOT to be afraid anymore. Because we both know that AL doesn't alleviate our fear and anxiety, but exacerbates it. Hang in there, friend. We're in this together.

I too let fear keep me from even trying to give up AL. That's probably why I lurked for years before really making a commitment, joining MWO and participating in my recovery. I still remember shaking when I was making my first post. And then, a miracle happened. At least it seemed like one to me. I reached out, and people took my hand. I've never looked back. Everyone here was so welcoming and loving. I've struggled, that's true, but I refuse to let the AL win. That's the only thing I truly fear anymore.

Lurkers - please, don't wait one more minute. Change your destiny. There really is a way out. Don't wait. Join MWO and post. This very minute. We're here for you.

xx, MR

[frances]

I guess I was afraid of the unknown. My life had revolved around alcohol since I was a teenager and I'm almost 50 now. Everything and every day involved drinking. I knew I didn't want to feel the way I felt every day, but I really couldn't imagine a life without it. How would I be able to relate to all of those people I drank with if I wasn't drinking? How would I be able to be myself when a big part of who I was, was a drinker?

I am happy to say that these fears were for nothing. Going to social events and not drinking has not been an issue for other people - they didn't/don't care about me not drinking - they really only want to be sure that they can still drink, and as long as that's the case, everything is fine. I said I wasn't drinking once or twice and everyone stopped asking. We still had fun but I got to watch them become stupid drunk while I remained clear and felt great the next day!

As for being myself - I am more myself now than ever. I don't have alcohol dictating which events I will go to, whether I can or cannot take my kids here or there or pick them up, how I feel the next day (which was pretty bad a lot of the time!) - it makes me more myself and able to do anything, literally anything (!) that I want to. I am no longer chained down by alcohol.

Yes, it is worth it. The fears are there but you will find life without alcohol is soooo worth it. I have never, never had a single regret!

[Pinecone]

Great responses everyone, thank you so much. I figured that we would probably be on the same page about this.

Fear feels like a very personal thing. It makes us feel like we are in danger and we need to protect ourselves. When fear is reasonable (based on a real danger to our lives) it is a benefit, and can ensure our survival. The initial fear of quitting alcohol CAN feel like that, but I'm not sure it is the same at all. I wonder if if is part of the addicted mind that knows that we are going to take back the authority it has gained. Or the "lizard" part of the brain that loves the fix. I think that fear inherently makes us think about ourselves, and that is part of the isolation that active alcoholics or problem drinkers feel when they start to research quitting or think about quitting or listen to someone else talk about quitting. To me, the fact that we have this common experience of fear should show us that the fear is not a reasonable fear of a real threat (hey look out for that bear!) but a symptom of a chemical in our system. We should always be afraid of a real threat to our safety, even after the threat is removed. But people who have quit drinking lose the fear of AF life rather quickly. This could tell us something!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Awesome thoughts.... I was thinking on Friday night- Halloween here in the US, and for me and my friends, a great excuse to PARTY! No holiday family stress, no big meals to prepare, no presents.... just toss on a flannel shirt, pepper one's face with eyeliner, crack open a beer and pretend to be Raggedy Annie. Easy party excuse.

And on Friday night I was internally battling the Alcohol Demon.... but the voices in my head kept torturing me....

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"FACT. YOU'VE BEEN SOBER SINCE FEBRUARY. YOU OVER-REACTED AND YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM".
"SERIOUSLY. YOU JUST NEED TO DEFINE THE DRINKING RULES. ONLY ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY. ONLY GOOD CRAFT BEER."
"IT IS NOT FAIR. YOU TOOK YOURSELF OUT OF THE PARTY SCENE. LOOK AT ALL OF THE FUN PEOPLE ARE HAVING WITHOUT YOU."


Am I the only one that has these sabotaging thoughts?

How do you protect your quit? I faced my fear of quitting and I quit. Heck yeah, it was scary, but I plowed on.
Now, 9 months later, I feel like I've proven to myself that I since I've quit, I can go back.

[Pavati]

Hi,

Thanks for starting this thread Pinecone.

I read back in my journals, and the word I see most is fear. It was absolutely fear that kept me from getting the help I needed. As a perfectionist, I feared that I would be judged. I was ashamed that I had lost control over something in my life, and I feared that people I love would think less of me, or think that I was weak. As someone whose family life has always revolved around alcohol, I was also terrified of doing anything and everything without a drink. A drink is fun! festive! happy! part of my life. How in the heck would I do _______ without alcohol. (family reunion, high school reunion, camping, birthday, Christmas, Thursday night) I was also afraid of failing at being sober. If I really, really tried to quit (I spent a good deal of time trying to moderate first), what would happen if I wasn't successful?

I think all the time that I wish I could convince someone reading here but not posting (as I did for a long time), that there is NOTHING to fear from a sober life. I have better relationships, am better at work (and humble me already thought I was pretty good), am present for my kids, am depressed less, laugh just as much. I have camped, attended a family and a high school reunion, had Christmas, vacationed - all without alcohol. And it has been amazing. Yes, there are times when I am sad or feel sorry for myself, but I am not afraid any more.

Well, I am afraid, actually - I maintain what I will call a healthy fear of alcohol (coincidentally I posted this in the Nest before posting here). I am most definitely afraid of relapse, of going back to where I was and not being able to get back on the horse as it were. So that healthy fear has me doing things I know I need to do to stay sober - that fear I can live with!

Love reading these posts, everyone.

Pav

[Pinecone]

NHHL, thanks for your post! Of course you are not the only one who gets the thoughts. I think that looking at how the thoughts present themselves can be instructive. It seemed like they were strong there, you posted them in caps. Bargaining, attempting to convince and "it's not fair" is in there twice. I'm just brainstorming...Do you see anything that would help you there? An attack by "the voice," "it," or "urges" can be a chance to see where the hole is. I think all the basics still apply after nine months, a year, etc. Diet, hydration, sleep, exercise, supplements, mental health practices (meditation, etc), support (MWO, AA). These things are my basics. I think we have to keep doing these things. We have to keep the scales tipped in our favor. What is Plan A, Plan B and Plan C? A is taking care of those basics so there is generally smooth sailing. B is posting on here if I feel wobbly or concerned about my state of mind. Plan C is someone's phone number, to get a hold of someone in REAL TIME! Anyone of us can "go back" now that we've proved it. We may just never get back to "here" again.

Pav, I just loved your post. This whole thing is wrapped up in fear so many ways. I keep that healthy fear alive too. This thing really does kill people.

[Roadside]

NHRHappyLife,

I feel like you felt about Halloween sometimes. I feel like I should be entitled to a 'buzz' sometimes, that's for sure. But then when one analyzes why one craves a 'buzz' most would agree that person is actually hurting somewhere in their life and desire to block it out (rather than face it).

You are correct, our minds attempts self sabotage by telling us these things, 'not fair ... It's the weekend' but this is delusional thinking. Other examples of delusional thinking include 'ugh, I wouldn't have road rage if this slow person in front of me would get in the slow lane' (no, we'd find something else to blame) or 'I would not want another phone if I could only have the iPhone 6' ... These are lame examples but my point is, everyone has these delusions, ours happens to be about AL and the people here are learning to recognize and stop the delusion!

Best wishes, NHRHAPPYLIFE, Pavati and others! I'm glad I'm here!

[Guitarista]

But then when one analyzes why one craves a 'buzz' most would agree that person is actually hurting somewhere in their life and desire to block it out (rather than face it).

I'm glad I'm here!

Yep, right on Roadside. This is true for me. As Coney mentions above, our daily sober living plan must cover some basics like diet, exercise, watching our mental health/self care, support networks here and elsewhere. For me, that gap or void of unhappiness must be identified and worked on.

I'm glad you're here too!

Take it easy out there y'all. G

[frances]

NHRHL - I have been feeling the same and I also quit in February. And knowing the holidays are coming, I'm also concerned about that.

I know better, but still those thoughts come. I wish I had an easy answer. The only thing that gets me through is just doing it and taking each moment/day on its own and not thinking about forever. I guess we both need to get out of deprivation mode and remember all of the great things that we are grateful for because we aren't drinking. Reading back on my own post earlier on this thread - I sounded great and felt great and that's how it is most of the time. This too shall pass! Let's get through it together!

[Byrdlady]

Regret of the past and fear of the future are the twin thieves of the present. Whoever said that one nailed it.
It's so true, 90% of what we worry about never happens....the world didnt stop spinning when I stopped buying and drinking AL. Friends didnt snicker and whisper behind my back when I stopped drinking (they did when I drank). Parties didnt fall apart and nobody fired me or divorced me because I stopped drinking. In fact, all of those things were more likly to happen if I didnt stop drinking. Amazing, all the reasons we keep the cycle going are big lies. They are lies that AL wants us to believe. Pinecone, you are 100% right, this stuff is out to kill us, THAT is the thing we should fear, NOT getting free of it!
Great thread! Dont let the fear of quitting actually stop you from doing it. It actually wasnt as bad as I thought!!! B