Back again.. Another year " lost" to AL

[Funlovin Gal]

Well, here I am on a Sunday once again knowing I have to severely moderate or find a way to stop the AL. I have been over consuming for 45 years now (since a teen). Everyone here seems to have so much more to lose than I do and therefore more to motivate them to quit. They have such great reasons – family conflicts, job problems, money problems.. I have none of that. My health is my reason. And driving while under in the influence. I am concerned that something will happen. I have nothing severely wrong now from a health standpoint, and I am not in any “trouble” with the law, but if I keep this up it’s only a matter of time.. I see what it has done to my DH who is 9 years older than me. Depression, anxiety, IBS, gout, kidney problems, neuropathy/falls from time to time.. He is not the same man I married. The surprising thing is, his liver test results were only slightly elevated several months ago and the doc was not concerned. I don’t understand that at all. I thought he’d be in the mid-late stages of liver disease..

Back to me - although my friends might worry about my drinking because I am worried about it and talk about it (mostly jokingly), they expect me to be the drinking/funlovin’ party gal (hence my new screen name) that I am. How can I possibly be fun lovin’ without a drink in my hand.

Last year I went AF the first two weeks in January after help here on MWO.. It wasn’t terribly difficult from day to day, but one day I drove through a horrendous snow storm – was totally frazzled - and came home and had a drink. Knowing I needed some help to stop turning to AL when stressed or frazzled, I purchased some Naltrexone and took it for a few months. I believe it helped somewhat, but when I went on a vacation late March/early April I decided that I didn’t want to be bothered by the rules. Truthfully, I don’t even remember what the rules are right now, but I’ll review the literature. I have 50 pills left, so think I’ll start them again immediately. Oh wait… I am remembering some of the rules suddenly… no empty stomach and one hour before drinking.. Not sure why that was so tough at the time..

I downloaded a book about staying sober for 7 days and will be reading that.. as well as the other hard cover books and kindle books I already have.

If you have gotten this far, I thank you for reading and being here!

[Turnagain]

Hi FunLovin Gal -

Welcome back! There are all sorts of reasons to get addiction out of our lives and HEALTH is right there at the top for many of us. I am sorry to hear about your husband's declining health. While I am not a medical professional, I can tell you that enzyme levels don't tell the whole story about the state of one's liver. And sadly, by the time those numbers go south, the damage is fairly significant.

Every single drink impacts every cell in our body - and causes damage to every organ. Because alcohol is a carcinogenic toxin - the damage is cumulative and like bad debt, the effects can compound exponentially. Here's what's most horrifying to me: alcohol damages brain function and chemistry and there is a point where the damage is so deep that we can lose the capacity to quit along with the capacity to do much of anything except fuel the addiction until we die from it.

Well, like you, I was worried about my health and didn't want to die from drinking. When I realized what alcohol was and understood that putting a toxic, addictive drug into my system was the problem - not me - I was finally able to get addiction out of my life for good. I can't say this enough - the only regret I have about quitting is that I didn't do a hell of a lot earlier than I did.

Healing begins immediately when we stop putting the addictive, toxic substance in. If possible, having a trusted, knowledgeable and empathetic doctor can help you through detox and withdrawal. Getting better is a process that takes time, but you can accelerate that process by spending some time around here to get support and learn what it takes to heal your body after decades of toxic input.

Coming back here is a great first step. So many of us here have been where you are now and we're finally free - it is truly possible to get out of the pit of addiction for good.

And for what it's worth, I didn't lose my fun once I was done with drinking. At least my friends still tell me I'm quite the fungal! :victorious: Okay...so at least I can remember my bad puns! Seriously though. Sober is really fun.

A lot of folks find good support in the Newbie's Nest....just plunge in and introduce yourself. You'll be part of the action before you know it and being surrounded with others on the same path is so helpful....

You can do this FunLovin'Gal...

[MossRose]

Fun - just stop. Stop the madness now. I read your post, and I get it. You need to quit drinking. I understand the whole "others have more to lose." I really do. I live alone. I'm divorced. My one son didn't talk to me for years. So I get it. Sometimes, when I read here about people having so much support from their spouses I get envious. Even though I am happy for them, I feel jealous. So I really do get it. Please understand, I want you to feel the support and caring I get from MWO. Sometimes, it is my only support. But it's enough, if you want it to be. Stay with me, Fun. We can do this together. Just tell us what you need. I'll be here by your side if you want me to be. Your call.

[Funlovin Gal]

Thank you for responding Turnagain! I dunno, anyone who is hoping for snow and is "fungal" makes me leery!! LOL

DH does seem to have some neural issues - he can't find words or finish sentences sometimes and has this glazed over look. I think the toxins have done their damage, and I know that's what is in store for me if I don't quit or dramatically taper. Obviously, physically AL has taken some toll on him, no matter what the liver tests show..

As for me, it is amazing but I am not the least bit physically addicted. I don't need detox or a doctor. I can easily have one glass of wine or nothing in a 24 hour period and be absolutely fine. It's the emotions - the restrictive nature that I CAN'T have it that gets me. And, on a day like today when it's miserable outside and a good stay at home comfy day - and he is in bed with his IBS (when we'd normally have football on the TV, a fire in the fireplace and my pot roast smelling up the house) that I entertain myself with AL. Too much AL.

I'd love to be able to have a glass of wine or two when out socializing and that is it. I drink MUCH more at home then when out - unless at a "party" occasion.

I will join in the Newbies Nest the day I plan to become AF. I know it's a great place to be. I'm afraid until then it will just make me beat myself up and tell myself how BAD I am, which will want me to drink more.

Thanks again for coming forward with your support!!

[MossRose]

Fun, I can guarantee you that no one in the nest would every make you feel bad about yourself. They are the best people I know. Saved my life. Just saying.

[Funlovin Gal]

Thanks to you Moss! We cross posted! I know you are right.. And, you are so sweet to offer your support that way! My quick decision to come back here just happened yesterday.. and I didn't even think about MWO for 9 or so months. I need to ease into it but I totally "get" what you are saying. I downloaded the book you recommended about 7 days, and I am going to start there.

Just saw your post about Newbies Nest... Last time I must admit I felt a bit intimidated... like my back was against the wall.. Either I committed to quitting that day or there was something wrong with me. I know the folks who made me feel that way were only talking from their excellent experience and caring.. but, still I felt ashamed that I didn't do exactly what they suggested.

I hope to be ready soon to make the commitment, but not today. Thanks again!

((Hugs)) to you!

[MossRose]

I'm glad you liked my book review, but Fun, there's something about your posts that bothers me. I am not being mean, but I need to ask you - are you serious about not drinking? Because I don't get that off of your posts. They seem a bit flip. It's up to you, and I would certainly be the last to judge with my history. But really ask yourself why you are here. Are you serious about kicking AL out of your life? I'm in. I'll be there. If you are not ready, that's ok too- I'll be there. Either way is ok with me, but you need to be clear.

[Turnagain]

Hi again Fun...

There is quite a bit of misunderstanding about what addiction is. And there is an awful lot of misinformation out there that impacts the way someone perceives their situation.

You, my friend, are indeed addicted to alcohol. Just because you can restrain yourself from drinking excessively in certain situations or for X period of time does not change the fact that your brain chemistry has been adversely effected and changed by the presence of alcohol.

Disagree all you want. It doesn't change the facts. Right now, you still have a choice. However, with continued use of alcohol, the area of your brain that allows choice to happen will be continue to be damaged. Once the damage reaches a certain point, there is no choice.

No one here is about bending you into submission to their own way of doing things. Those of us who managed to get free of addiction post here in the hopes of giving support to people who are trying to get free.

You may not think you want help. But you do need it. If you continue to drink, you will continue to 'lose years' that you've already lived and you will also forfeit years from your future because of diminished health. You might as well be looking in a mirror when you see your husband's declining state. That's where you are heading. With every single drink.

The pervasiveness of the myths and misinformation about alcohol addiction makes me feel so very frustrated at times. I do hope you will be able to get past all that while you still have a chance. Why risk losing yet another year? And most importantly, why risk losing your life?

There are no judgements. Just facts. And I hope you can get past the myths, your own misperceptions and get your life back while you still have some capacity to choose.

Flash forward to this time next year: Will you have lost yet one more year to drunken, unproductive and destructive living or will you be able to celebrate having a full year of restoring your body back to health and finding the joy in living fully?

How wonderful it would be to have you here sharing with others just how amazing life is free of addiction.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Welcome back, Funloving!
As harsh as it may sound, I felt like alcohol was my best friend- I told myself that I could quit at anytime, and sometimes I would go a couple days sober to quietly prove it to myself.

I've come to the realization that my love affair with this liquid is genetic. I know that there is alcoholism in my DNA and when I recognized that as a FACT, versus an emotion, I became stronger in my conviction to stay sober.

I tell myself One Day At A Time. I rejoice quietly in my sobriety. People say that I seem more with it. I've received a great promotion at work, and I'm getting unexpected compliments. My alcoholism was a secret, and so my recovery is nothing I'm comfortable sharing- Maybe in time, but not now.

My memory is so much better- I used to suffer from total blankness-. I would look right at a familiar item like a cooking pot and not know what to call it... I used the word "thing" a lot or "f'ing thing" if I was agitated.

Fun loving, this is scary, without question. Your brain will try to rationalize why you are over-reacting, that you can moderate, that it's not as bad as you are thinking. Perhaps this is true, but how about if you commit to coming here and journaling your days and emotions. Just for 7 days and then see how you feel? This is your way out.
Hugs and peace, Patty

[MossRose]

Fun - I owe you a huge apology. I had no right to be so nasty. You didn't deserve my snippy answer. Don't judge MWO on me. Come back and get the support you deserve. I really am sorry.