I will have another Xmass without my son...very sad and wish I could be with him.

[SHADES_of_IDAHO]

Every Xmass is a very lonely time for me. You see I never know if my 38 yr old son is sober, relapsed, in jail, or worse. Every time the phone rings after so many years of suicides attempts, police brutality, and worse, I now start to shake.

I feel very sad and miss his bright smile and hugs. If he would just come home for X-mass that would be the greatest gift I ever had.

This sadness is hard to live with . It's the not knowing how or where he is. Is he happy ? Is he in a warm place ? Is he on the streets? Has he found someone to love him? Will he have a Christmas?

I would give anything to just see him and know he is not sick from Al. I do know he is in the latter stages of kidney disease. I don't want X-mass to come for me anymore. I can't pretend anymore when I know he is suffering. As a matter of fact I asked that no gifts be sent or exchanged it's just not the same without UR kids and grand kids. My whole family is so splintered because of this. They don't get it.

I miss him so very much and I hope he has a good Christmas. Yet sometimes the truth is to painful to hear. Most of the time I blame myself and I know it's not true. I do the if only game in my mind..over and over like a broken recorded. I'm am more stuck in this grieving his loss basically. And no one else in the family cares. It makes my heart sink.

I guess this is my addiction as AL turned my life upside down in so many ways. My addiction is to be with my son sober. I beg and beg God to do something .... I sometimes realize my son will never become sober. All I want for X-mass is for my son to find sobriety after so many terrible things he has been thru, I want him home more than anything. I don't care if he drinks anymore I want him to be safe and he will be home. It's almost like a deal with the devil....make him sober and I am urs. Sometimes desperation makes us do things we would never normally do!

I don't know where you are my dear sweet son. I love you so very much and miss you. UR my heart and it is so broken, I don't know what to do anymore! I want my happy back. I'll never find it knowing my son suffers so much every day!

So sorry I am such a Debbie downer. Kids is what X-mass is about. I have lost the only thing that matters to me. I have been so depressed I have isolated myself from other family cause they speak so badly of my son, even his brother & all family members are so mean and disrespectful . They don't remember how bright and talented he is. All they see like society the AL not the person. They just don't get it. It's a disease of mind , body and soul. I am so tired, so very very tired......no one in the family cares about him but me? He is worth loving just because his life has been so sad & destructive he is still worth caring about, sending gifts, showing family love, respect and support. Even a stray dog out on the streets gets better care than he does.

He never gets anything from the family and I try to hold it all together.i have no more strength left for him as this stress has taken a terrible toll on me I am very sick. No matter what he has done he is sick too and deserves a loving family.

So if my son happens to come here, I want him to know that ..I wish him a Very Merry Christmas ....with much love...MOM

AND TO ALL MY KIND AND UNDERSTANDING FRIENDS HERE...YOU HAVE BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE..AND I THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. AND I WISH U ALL TO CONTINUE UR WONDERFUL
blessed journey thru sobriety forever and ever. I am so proud of you all especially this time of year...temptation & triggers it seems are at every corner. You are all my inspiration and I pray for you to all find happiness, love, and may UR futures be bright, sober & full of joy, and gratitude.

[A Nonny Mouse]

Your post ripped my heart out. I pray for you and your poor suffering son, that you both may find some peace and joy. I hope you can find him and tell him how much you love him, and that he is able to hear that.

With so much love,

Julie

[See the Light]

Great post Shades- I hope you get to see your son this year..please don't ever give up..thanks for sharing

[available]

It is sad how society treats people with an illness like ours and your sons. I do hope he comes home to you one day, alive and sober.
Take Care and sending hugs.

[MossRose]

Shades - I am at a loss for words. Thank you for reminding all of us how our addiction affects those who love us. We've talked in the past, so you know I don't believe this is your fault. As a mother, I can empathize. Your love for your son is both poignant and heartbreaking. I hope he finds his way back to you. I will be praying that you find some peace.:hug:

[frances]

I am so sorry for your sadness. My prayers are with you and your son.

[K9Lover]

Dearest Shades,
I don't really know you but I want you to know that I am so sorry for your situation. Your post gave me chills and broke my heart. I feel for you and the loss of your son. You will be in my thoughts, both of you. I hope you can find some peace. Please stay strong. :heartbeat:
K9

[Rahulthesweet]

Dearest Shades,

Sorry to hear about your son. I pray to GOD that is fine and doing well and comes home for Christmas.

[lizker]

Your case is truly heartbreaking. We rarely stop to think about the pain and anguish we inflict on our loved ones. In our diseased minds, our disease is ours and our alone because we are so blinded by it. It has so far reaching consequences than we can ever fathom. The shame is not just on the individual but on the whole family. The pain of knowing that a loved one is hurting, hungry, naked or being beaten on the streets by strangers is truly agonizing.
Just keep praying for your son. God can deliver your son due to your faithfulness. He will do it for you. Do you know if he's still alive?