Alcohol is the Devil

[j-vo]

Dear MWOer's,

I'm going to share my experience with you in hopes that I help someone, give someone hope, demonstrate the evilness of alcohol and what it can do to us. Alcohol works with the devil. They are in it together to try and destroy all that is good in people. Alcohol and the devil almost took my life last weekend. I could have died from a neck injury, could have lost everything and everyone I love.

Once I started drinking the poison, yet once again, right before thanksgiving, I spiraled quickly to the drinking levels that I'm accustomed to. There was no moderation. There was never a chance. But when I drink alcohol, bad things happen. I get hurt. I hurt others. And that's what happened.

Sunday evening, I drank and drank. My son came home, and I was in bed. He told me he was home and I acknowledged it. I got up after he went to his bedroom, started downstairs, and tripped over the doggie gate we have on the steps. I always just walk over it and never move it. I tripped over it, fell down the steps, and hit my head on the hardwood floor. I sustained many bruises, and I'm sure a concussion.

My son heard my fall, came downstairs, started screaming for my husband. They said I lay at the bottom of the steps gurgling with my eyes open, unconscious. They called 911 and my son explained in detail what I looked like. While they waited for ambulance, they poured water in my face and I came to.

Ambulance arrived, and knew I was intoxicated. They questioned my husband and son, and they told them what they could. They took me to the ER and gave me a CT scan. Luckily I was ok. Luckily I had not broken my neck.

The pain of embarrassment, the pain of hurting and scaring my son and husband is almost unbearable. The pain of alcohol and the devil has gotten me for the last time.

My son, whom we had a talk with, I wrote several letters to, still is talking to me minimally. He told me I have one more chance. One more chance to have him in my life, if I don't drink alcohol. I will take this chance and know it's a gift. A gift to live a sober life, to gain the respect and integrity I've lost, that the devil has taken from me. I hope that with time, my son will be my son that loves me. Not the one I see with empty eyes. That doesn't reciprocate when I try to hug him.

Thank you for listening, and please, don't drink. If you're here on MWO, you should not drink. Don't lose your loved ones and yourself to the devil.

[lizker]

I do share your sentiments strongly. When we drink we leave the door flung wide open for attacks. You can shut that door. You have the power and can live in victory. I went through some awful things at the hands of alcohol resently but by the grace of God iam 50 days sober today. I decided to surrender alcohol to my God and he does all the work. Good lucky to your quit. One day at a time.

[trinity875]

Hey j-vo thank you for your story. My son is nearly four and too young to understand but I've already let him down so many times. Being too hungover to play or go out. Missing birthday parties and trips. Getting him into nursery as quickly as I can because I'm too hungover to cope with him. It makes me really really sad to think about it and the guilt is unbearable. Like you I've had so many falls and accident s, banged my head. Passed it, been so drunk I've no idea how I got home. I'm surprised I'm not dead with the things Ive done. Thats why I need to do this. Day two for me. Keep going!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Hugs, J-vo.

It takes a lot of courage to write candidly about your experience.

I want to share a story about my experience similar to your son's.
When I was 17, my mom did the same thing that you did- turned the wrong way coming out of the bathroom and fell down a set of 7 stairs, landing on the slate foyer. My dad heard her fall and woke me up with: "Patty! How much did your mother have to drink tonight?" I had no idea, because she was a closet drinker- Mom hid her bottles around the house and subtlety added it to her iced tea, so we never knew when she started to drink, or how much alcohol was in her glass.

I knelt at my mom's side as she groaned in pain. Both of her wrists were twisted in a way I can't describe, and blood was coming out of her mouth and nose.
I remember hearing my dad in the kitchen trying to calmly talk with the 911 operator. I remember his voice cracking, but he was supposed to be the stoic patriarch, and yet I could hear his emotions.
It is the first time I ever heard my dad afraid.

I remember my dad's uncertainty as to whether he should call my brothers and sisters, and ultimately his decision to call my sister, who was 21 years old, newly married, and pregnant.
I remember her fear as she came into the house- not knowing if she was supposed to take charge as my big sister, but still wanting to be the child and look up to our parents.

I remember the clinking of the EMT's equipment as they came into our home, briskly and professionally assessing the situation and asking us questions that we could not answer.
I remember them moving my mom and, even in her stupor, how she MOANED in the pain that she never remembered feeling.

I remember the ambulance leaving the house with the sirens blazing at 2:30 in the morning.

I remember the silence of the house afterwards and the uncertainty of not knowing my family's future... would my mom be okay? I was supposed to go to college in 2 weeks- would I go?

I remember the next morning when I was finally permitted to see my mom, the horrific pain she was in. You see, J-vo, my mom's BAC was .23, and until the alcohol was out of her system, they would not give her anything for pain. She had broken both of her wrists, her nose, her cheekbone, and screwed up a knee.

Like you, my mom promised, "never again".
But after numerous surgeries and recovering... she started drinking again.
When I asked her why, she calmly explained that in retrospect, she had not drank too much, she simply was sleepwalking and thought that she was downstairs versus upstairs... and when you are downstairs, you turn right to leave the bathroom. In her mind, she had justified the whole horrific accident as a simple sleepwalking incident.

I tell you all of this because even though it was 33 years ago, I can entirely relate to what your son is going through like it was yesterday.

PLEASE... print your post. Laminate it and put it in a special place, so the next time the devil encourages you to have, "just one"... YOU remember. I promise that he will never forget the pain and the fear HE felt that night. He almost lost his mom, and his life as he knew it. Not only do you have your second chance, but he has his mom back. If you can truly leave alcohol outside of your home, you will have given him the best gift ever. Hugs. Patty

[paulywogg]

Hi J-Vo,I've wondered where you were I hadn't seen you around in awhile,I'm glad nothing super serious happened with your fall,but it sounds awful! Man it could have been really bad,you have another chance, take it,I know you had a long sober stretch, make this one for good,((hugs))

[Resolve]

J-vo,

I'm glad you're ok physically and though probably banged up, I'm sure that doesn't compare to the real pain that you've described. Your story is familiar to me in terms of that self-inflicted pain that affected your family deeply, especially your son. My first post two months ago described my experience that caused more embarrassment to my son and myself then I care to even type about again. I was drunk at my son's hockey game, had to be driven home by his coach and weekend after weekend since have to see these same parents. The abundance of humiliation I've felt is secondary to the embarrassment and anger I caused my son and wife, and repairing these relationships and harmony within our home has been my primary focus since.

The good news is you know what you have to do here, and you've got that final chance. What I know with children is they want to forgive and will if you do the right thing from here out. Your son needs to know that he doesn't have to worry about you like that and that you're the parent, not him. By promising him, your husband and yourself that you will never put them or you in that situation again, and most importantly never drinking again, you can and will regain trust over time. Initially you can only offer up words, but it's your actions that will stand the test of time.

You've hit what has to be your rock bottom now and I know it hurts like absolute hell. For me, once I accepted that this happened and that I couldn't unring the bell, it stung less. This was not forgiveness, and I still haven't gotten there yet, but my relationship with my son is solid again. In time I believe that I'll get there too with everyone else important in my life. The biggest reason for this, and the bigger acceptance from this experience, is that I fully acknowledged that I cannot drink at all ever again. Alcohol can't and won't be in my life anymore. I nearly lost everything, and I'm not going to lose anything else because of it. You can regain what seems so fragile and lost at the moment with this same resolve. I wish you the best in this and am rooting for you.

[scottish lass]

J-Vo, my friend! So glad you found strength and courage to return, and happy to be on this road with you!
Will come back in a bit to write more - just saying a quick hello!!

[Marylou123]

Hi J-Vo,
So glad you're back too but very sorry about the pain you're going through. We're here for you friend.
ML
PS - You're right. Alcohol IS the devil.

[Byrdlady]

Thank you for sharing this intensely personal story...all of you. This is indeed the fight of our lives. Together we are strong, so let us all go forward and learn from our brutal past. We will be right by your side, J-Vo. That is a promise. XO, Byrdie

[See the Light]

J-vo- :hug: Sorry to hear of your horrible experience but Thank God it wasn’t even worse. I can’t remember anything in my life now related to alcohol now that isn’t completely connected with negative feelings and experiences. You can not let the Devil work on you like this…you are too strong, too smart, too good of a person. People are counting and you and they will never give up. I do recall your last slip late last summer you wrote an incredible post about making the mistake of not reaching out to someone can that help…maybe now is not the right time, but I have to ask why you did not again this time? The Devil works best when he has you alone, without the right perceptions of reality in your head, when you forget the absolute negatives associated with AL. I won’t make this a serious religious discussion but I do believe you. I am highly involved in my church in a number of capacities and I believe my faith has been an integral part of my recovery, so I am going to say a special prayer for you and your family that the darkness of alcohol and the Devil behind it never harm you or your family again. ray: If you ever need to talk please let me know.

NHHHL- Thank you as well for sharing that story. There are so many scary awful things that happen when people drink. The scars are sometimes there forever.

Resolve- Great post as well

[Guitarista]

Good to see you back J-vo. Glad you are alive for you, and for your family.

Now, let's kick some ass. G :hug:

[scottish lass]

j-vo - you have been so much in my thoughts. We have been through so much together. There has been a lady in local news who got her second DUI driving into a house on her way to work in the morning - sounds like someone just like me, an honest working person. The press and peoples comments are crucifying her - she worked in position where she had responsibility for others. I have read the comments and cringed. I luckily did not hit rock bottom, or make a fatal error - but I did so many stupid, careless things that I regret.

I read her story, and yours and think for the grace of God go I.

I am not sure why I have been so lucky to not end up in ER or on the wrong side of the law. I am also lucky that my girls do not know the whole extent of my problems.

They do know that I don't drink, and apparently 'boast' to their friends about this. They also know what the green dots on the calendar meant, and would check on me. They know that I have not drunk for almost a year - and they are proud of me.

I still, with all that, know that I am just one drink away from the rabbit hole. And I know that that one drink is really close by.

Thank you so much for the reminder of what we are trying so hard to leave behind. J-vo, I KNOW you can do this, and I would be honoured to help you in any way that I can - as you have helped me so much before. You sound positive, resolved and ready - 2015 will be your year, and you will get the respect of your son back - he loves you...

Big hugs j-vo, lets do this!!!

[Eloise]

oh, oh, oh J-vo I am so sorry to read your post.
Thank god you are okay, I know how far you came with your relationship with your son. This is just devastating.
How to move through it? I cannot say how sorry I am, I know how hard you worked on yourself, your relationships, understanding this horrible alcohol problem. I am just speechless.
I was asking about you a while back, hoping you had found another outlet to continue your AF journey?

I hope you will rejoin us daily here. Sending you lots and lots of white energy to help you heal.

[FreeforNow]

Thank you for telling this story it will help others enormously

Your honesty and bravery show you are such a strong person

Channel that strength to beat the problem

I believe 100% you can do it and will win

I will refer to this post when thoughts of moderating come back to me

[Matt M.]

Jvo thanks for sharing your story. It is stories like these that help to solidify any thoughts of going back to that Hell. You are not an anomaly in these rooms, you are one of us.
You have been here before and you know what it will take to make it. Action and not excuses and time will repair the damage to our loved ones.
As always feel free to message me if you would like an accountability partner/lifeline
Stay Hard my friend!