Holding myself accountable

[tryingtoohard]

I stayed drunk all day yesterday. Not ripped, just comfortably numb. Right up until I talked to my sister on the phone, and she started crying and telling me that she was/ is "secretly" in love with this guy who is 30 years younger than her, and an alcoholic from hell. THEN I was no longer "numb."

I was verbally abusive and nasty. Everyone I care about is used to that from me at this point. Everyone.

I am so sick of this- I have found much solace and wisdom in the "Toolbox." The newbies nest isn't for me, yet.

I need to make a plan, but am slowly starting to realize that sobriety isn't going to just "happen" for me. I have already written to her and apologized- not just an apology- I flat out told her I was drunk.

I have reservations at a resort in the mountains next Saturday night. I don't want to get drunk and fall apart and not go. I want to go and enjoy myself AF. It's a very short term goal, but it's a damned goal, and I need that right now.

[available]

Trying, i wanted someone to give up for me. it just seemed like too hard a work for me. I was happy being pissed, my life was falling apart but i had my best friend so what did it matter who i hurt or what i said. I was a functioning alcoholic, i was paying my dues to society so fuck you all i would drink if i wanted. There was one problem with that life i was living, i was losing everything at a rapid rate of knots. I was losing my self respect, my will to live, my mother was turning away from me, my children were doing the same. I was no fun anymore. I was a drunk that was tolerated.

Only you can make the choice to be sober or to be a drunk. Only you can change your life if you want. I had to make the decision to live in a bottle or face the real world. The bottle was too lonely a place to be. Its not easy giving up al, it was hell on wheels to begin with but as time has gone by i appreciate what i have achieved, i am proud of what i am now. I was never ever proud when i drank. My life was filled with guilt and shame and remorse.

A short term goal is fantastic, vow to stay sober for that amount of time. Make a commitment to yourself. If we look too far forward it overwhelms us no end. One day at a time is all us alcoholics can do.

You will enjoy that break af and it will give you the taste for more af time.

[tryingtoohard]

You know, it all seems to be happening "on time." I realized I had a problem- found this place, and finally felt like I wasn't alone. I have felt so alone- I don't go to bars- I just quietly drink at home like most professionals do. I thought my grad degree would solve problems. It did not- it made my life worse, because it presented me with more stress that I handled by drinking more.

I finally found something more important than AL, and that's my relationships with my family.

My "quit date" is Feb. 28. And I mean "quit." I don't even want to play the moderation game- I have read too many posts here, and am not even going to pretend that works.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Welcome, TTH.

I understand. I don't participate much in the Newbies Nest because its too busy, and I don't want to take the time to backtrack 5 or 6 pages to understand the dynamics of what everyone is chatting about. But if you post here, on your own thread, I will do my best to support you. :victorious:

Congratulations on choosing a quit date- it seems kind of far out from now, and there is no rule that you can't quit earlier.
Plan now- don't stop by your local wine store and get 6 bottles because "you get a 10% discount if you buy 6!" (that was me!).... look around your house and start using up the booze in recipes.... seek out alternative drinks that you will enjoy... seek out alternative hobbies to do at night when your mind is idle.... buy ice cream for a night snack.... read here.

Hurting loved ones is the ultimate blow when it comes to our drinking. When they lose faith in us, when they see us as a bag of empty promises, versus the person that we were.. that's when we really need to choose.

I'm glad you are here. :hug: Patty

[See the Light]

tryingtoohard- You have chosen all the right reasons to stop, and it sounds like you have a strong plan in place. Hurting people with your drinking can make you only want to drink more. You will be amazed what people will forgive and forget after you become sober and see how selfish that was. Break that cycle and start your new life.

[lizker]

I can't remember a time when i drank that i didn't cuss somebody out or totally humiliate myself. I still get embarrassed whenever i run into some people i haven't seen in a while who used to see me in "action" at the peak of my alcoholism 3 years ago. Cops used to be called so i can totally relate.
Your quit date does seem a little too far out. If you have the conviction and strength to do it sooner, by all means do it. Wishing you success in your journey whenever you choose to start.