How not to live my life

[trinity875]

I wanted to put down in words the reasons I must not and cannot drink no matter what. So that i can look back on it, all the horrible memories i can recall for now. If i find myself wanting to drink this is where i will refer to... i hope it helps. Its worth a try. This may be rambling as i'm just going to go with it and type.

My beautiful three year old son. The times i have been led in bed so hungover i can hardly move.. i can hear him crying for me, its half seven in the morning, i dont know how long hes been crying as ive just woke up with the fog in my head, dry mouth, feel sick, shaking. All i want is to go back to sleep. I try and put my head under the covers racked with guilt but the physical pain is overwhelming. Eventually i manage to stagger out of bed and open his door, he is so happy to see me and beaming smiles but i just want him to go back to sleep, i cant be bothered. Then i get back in bed and he runs into my room, hes happy for a few minutes running around my bedroom whilst i lie there shaking and feeling sick with my head screaming. Soon hes had enough and he wants to go downstairs... he starts pulling clothes out of my wardrobe and throwing them at me in the bed shouting for me to get dressed, i lie with my head under the pillow screaming at myself even becoming angry at him because he wont leave me alone............ how on earth is this his fault??? why am i angry at him??? im angry at myself but at the moment im shaking so bad i just want him to go away. This carries on and then the guilt lands... massive, so bad i can hardly breathe. I pick him up and hes happy, smiling up at me, sitting on my knee babbling away. the guilt is so bad it hurts and i hug him hard telling him im sorry over and over again. Telling him it will change over and over.... he doesn't understand he's only three. He doesn't know that the stink coming from mummy is two bottles of red wine the night before. He doesnt understand why mummy has puffy eyes, a puffy face, dark red lips and is shaking as she hugs him. He loves mummy anyway and yet this is how mummy treats him.

Im going to have to stop there for now....... I cant stop crying. I need to do this. Thankyou to anyone taking the time to read. I will add when i feel better.

[See the Light]

Thanks for sharing trinity- Your son is a great motivation to never drink again. Your life and his will be so much better without alcohol. Crying is curing ..it s part of the process of getting better and wanting change. You can't change what you have done so far, but you can make a huge impact going forward. Your story is really not that uncommon, but how it ends is up you. We are with you.

[open halo]

Trinity, Guilt, Shame, Remorse are feelings that go hand in hand with AL. And the reason? Because it needs to be removed from our lives, so we can have a better life for ourselves and our families. I feel your pain, as do many of us here at the MWO, we know how you feel because we have been there. Please use the MWO to help you with kicking AL to the curb in your life once and for all. We are here to help xox

[abcowboy]

Trinity, is it enough? No need to sink lower, surrender to the power that alcohol has over you, and fight back! We will be here to help and support you!

[crazytracylady]

I hear you trinity, I have felt exactly the same, my son is 5 and I know that I am nowhere near as good a mum as I could be if I didn't drink, he is a very difficult boy in general and has been since a baby ( I fear maybe slightly autistic as he has a lot of the traits but I haven't had it confirmed) and my drinking has increased since having him as a sort of coping mechanism (in my own mind!) I need to quit too, I would easily drink a bottle or even two some nights and pass out on the sofa then crawl up to bed in the early hours and wake feeling horrendous - mother of the year award for me - NOT! You CAN do this, but focus on helping yourself to lead a happier healthier life as well as getting sober for your son, you owe it to yourself x

[trinity875]

I hear you trinity, I have felt exactly the same, my son is 5 and I know that I am nowhere near as good a mum as I could be if I didn't drink, he is a very difficult boy in general and has been since a baby ( I fear maybe slightly autistic as he has a lot of the traits but I haven't had it confirmed) and my drinking has increased since having him as a sort of coping mechanism (in my own mind!) I need to quit too, I would easily drink a bottle or even two some nights and pass out on the sofa then crawl up to bed in the early hours and wake feeling horrendous - mother of the year award for me - NOT! You CAN do this, but focus on helping yourself to lead a happier healthier life as well as getting sober for your son, you owe it to yourself x

My son was diagnosed with autism in June! He is four in March. It is very difficult. It was the start of a huge relapse. The stress and worry. But the alcoholic fog just meant I was postponing dealing with the challenges we now face. Thank you everyone for your support. Day eight!!

[Eloise]

:biglove:Trinity!!

Prize Patrol here... I know this isn't NN Roll Call but I read your post and want to congratulate you on reaching the first milestone of 7 days AF.
(This is my PP duty! Which I find a great job! )) And your first prize is a :moon:

I also award the 30 day prize and would very much enjoy being the one who offers you this next wonderful prize!

So, can I encourage and welcome you to start posting in the Newbie Nest Roll Call?

You are doing GREAT Trinity, keep it up ... Eloise

[paulywogg]

Oh Trinity, this brought tears to my eyes my children are pretty much grown, but I have a beautiful little 2 year old grandson who I take care of 5 days a week, many times I've been hungover or still on the sauce and I've looked at his innocent face and hated myself so bad! He doesn't deserve to have a creepy, alcoholic gramma! There's also been times I just couldn't deal with him and hubs had to watch him,or he'd go to his other grammas house or worse get watched by his daddy's druggie brother, I have got to be there for him,he loves me so much,calls me"ma" and if I leave the room he's right behind me, even follows me to the bathroom haha,great job on 8 days,we can get better for these innocent children

[j-vo]

Trinity,
You're right to stop now, for your son. I have a 17 year old son, and I know I lost a lot of time hurting him with my alcoholism. It's sad, and I feel guilt because of it. But now it's time for me to leave the guilt and move on so I don't lose any more time. You know you'll be able to handle life and the challenges it brings when you're sober. I've proved that to myself, and then I let denial and alcohol back in my life to almost ruin it for good. Make this your time. Cry, then wipe your tears and spend as much quality time with your son as you can. He needs you. And you need to love yourself. You will love yourself.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Big Hugs, Trinity.... Congratulations on your time out of the bottle. Please continue to post here... be forewarned and ARMED, ready to fight this disease. Have ice cream ready in case you want a night snack.. alternative drinks like tea, lemon flavored water.

Hopefully the wine is out of your home?
As silly as this sounds, having a picture of my children right in my wallet near my money- I think of them whenever I'm ready to buy something, wine included.

You can do this, my friend. You aren't alone.
:heartbeat: Patty

[frances]

Trinity - This was such a great idea to post these thoughts and memories. AL does have a way of tricking your brain to try to forget or make these times 'not so bad' when in reality they are our worst nightmare and biggest disappointment in life. And AL will try to make you think that you won't go there again. You may know from your own experience and most if not all of us here know from our own that if we go back to drinking we wind up right back to the place we never wanted to be again.

So glad you are here! You can do this and be strong for you and your son! Life is so very much better without AL and dealing with difficult situations is much much better. I hope you have found the newbies nest and toolbox threads and will stay nearby and read and post a lot to help you do this!

[jane27]

Trinity,

I was really moved by your post. AL can be so frighteningly addictive and the severity of the addiction seems to range between people. I figured out at an early age the nature of my addictive personality. As a teenager I remember reading that all it took was one time to get addicted with crack and heroin and I noted that with a very heavy seriousness. Alcoholism is all over my genetic mapping as are eating disorders, but the ED stuff got in line first. Throughout my 20's I might go out and do shots of tequila 3 times per year; but the hangover and fear of weight gain left me with no temptation to push that boundary. This led me to the brilliant conclusion that alcoholism being hereditary was either 1) a lie or 2) a bullet that I dodged.

I was so confident about this that during a particularly stressful time in my late 20's (relationship broke up & financial worries), I decided (out loud) to become an alcoholic for a year as a coping mechanism. AL unlike heroin and crack seemed downright glamorous thanks in part to prime time tv shows like West Wing (Rob Lowe’s character) and Scandal (Olivia Pope). I felt some sort of pathetic connection- I was coping just like they were, and like them- I was still achieving my goals at work. I dove right in supplementing a bottle or more of wine per night with shots of vodka/gin/or tequila in between for 'energy boosts'. Somehow I functioned, and as my body adapted my world got smaller. 28- 43 went by.It took 15 years before I quit on January 7th last year. Talk about learning a lesson (re being so clever as to think what has been proven by research didn't apply to me).

Based on my experience, I have hopeful news to offer you. It took me feeling as bad as you do to make the decision to quit. Quitting drinking all together made it onto my broad to do list in 2008, but for years the only purpose of that was really to make me feel less guilty and allow me to continue drinking. Eventually it became clear to me that I wasn't sincere about it, and I dropped it- believing such an out and out lie was too much of an insult to my ego. So I drank with no holds barred. It was only a little bit more than I had been drinking already, but more liberally because I didn't have my conscience to worry about. The hangovers got worse, I missed more days of work, cancelled appointments more frequently, fell more behind in everything. I was extremely lucky in that this was the extent of it. It was the days of feeling like you did when you wrote this post- the collective, horrendous swamp of shit my life had become that became my impetus to quit. I didn't even plan it. Prior attempts had shown me that planning was lip service to my addiction.

On January 7th last year, I woke up feeling like hell for the millionth time and I couldn't take it one minute longer. It was a bit surreal in that I felt like I peeled into 2 people. Drinking me was too sick and desperate to do anything. Another me which felt almost ghostly (weightless and transparent) floated up off the bed and took charge. I needed another me to get this done because the me I had was too run down. And that's how it happened. One little ol day at a time. The secret to my quit was desperation and my guarantor is fear of going back to where I was. I have quit and failed enough times to know where one sip leads.

You have it in you. If that desperation to quit is still there, and I hope it is, grab onto it and don't let it go. Wishing you strength.

[trinity875]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It's wonderful to have such support along the way. I'm coming to the end of day 9 and there can be no going back. I can't fail him anymore. We both deserve better. All the alcohol is gone. Every last drop. I will post in the roll call. Thank you x

[Marylou123]

Jane,
Thank you so much for sharing and CONGRATS on your one year AF!

[MossRose]

Trinity, at the risk of sounding like a cliche, there is a saying that I think works well here..."you can't know where you're going until you know where you've been." Well, you know where you've been and you didn't like the view, so now it's time to move forward, kick AL out of your life, and regain your self-respect. I doubt there is a parent here who hasn't experienced the guilt you describe. The good thing is that you are taking action now, while your son is still very young. Some of us weren't strong enough, or perhaps self-aware enough to do that and it really does get harder as they get older. It has taken some time for me to repair the damage with my adult son, but it is happening. We are finally getting back to a very good place. Children of all ages are very forgiving. They just want a healthy, strong parent in their life. What's done is done. Process the feelings, release the guilt, and be your best self. Everything else will work itself out. Promise!

xx, Moss