I know I need to give it up

[Tipsy Texan]

I know I am an alcoholic, I've known it now for almost 20 years. My father was one and I unfortunately carried on the tradition. My dad glorified the use of alcohol. He hid behind it, made it out to be something romantic. I saw growing up the reality. It wasn't glorious or romantic. In the wrong hands it was the opposite. It tore apart families and helped to create deep scars on us all. I came across this site recently and felt compelled to share. I know all too well what my use of alcohol has done to my life. I started as a weekend binge drinker in college, I mean a serious binge drinker. I rarely went out without getting so smashed I forgot at least some of the night. My friends loved my drunkenness as it was entertaining to them and I have never been a very outgoing person, so I think I tried to recreate that drunken personality each weekend. As I grew older I drank more and more. Not just a social drinker, but someone that felt the need to drink daily. Throughout my twenties I consumed alcohol almost daily in large amounts. I was and am primarily a beer drinker, but used to drink a fair amount of whiskey as well. I think I went to work with a significant hangover at least 3 times a week for much of my twenties. I've always been aware of my drinking, and to tell the truth always known that it's not a healthy way to live, physically, emotionally, or mentally. The problem I've always faced is not feeling the need to change. I've not felt the desire to change my habits long term. I'm not the type of alcoholic that most people imagine. I am as reliable as the rising sun. I don't miss work, am dependable, make deadlines, and oversee a large workload. In my personal life I take on much as well and am generally considered successful. But, I continue to rely on alcohol. Almost 3 and a half years ago I quit drinking hard liquor because of an incident where I became abusive and violent towards family members. I quit drinking altogether for several weeks and should have continued this, but succumbed to weakness and began drinking again. I've not used hard liquor (distilled) since that day, but continue to use alcohol (beer and occasionally wine). The day after that incident I felt I had hit the bottom, I fully expected my wife to leave me. She didn't and I've not behaved in that fashion since. But I still abuse alcohol even if I don't behave in foolish and abusive fashion. I generally consider myself to be a practical type of person, someone that wouldn't make decisions that are detrimental to myself. Yet, I choose most days to consume alcohol. I don't relax easily, and a couple of beers help me out. The problem is a couple turns into 10. Again I know all of this. I know I have a problem with alcohol. I want to change my habits, my life, but I'm afraid I don't want to change enough to actually do something about it. I'm stuck in a rut. I know I really have to want to change and I do, but I don't know if I want it enough.

[available]

Hi Tipsy and welcome. Thanks for you story.

I was not the type of alcoholic people imagined either and I dont think the majority of people on here to the outside seem like alcoholics either. I hid my drinking, i raised 4 children, i held a marriage together and a job yet i drank and I continued to drink. Wine was my choice of drink, no hard stuff, just wine and lot of it. I deserved a drink at the end of the day, i was stressed, i was tired, i was fed up so i drank and then i got up for work and hit the repeat button. I also didnt want to change but i could see my health was starting to go South, my children were not visiting as much, i was not much fun anymore. I didnt want to change but i didnt want in the future to have lost it all and in my al fogged brain i could see that happening. Maybe not now but i could not keep drinking without losing something. I so did not want to give up al, it was my friend but after reading on here and seeing the success of others i thought i would give it a try. I did and i gave up for 11 days then drank and stayed away from here. I came back and i gave up for 40 days and then i drank and left here. I then gave up again as i knew that those 40 days were great, i started to feel better, look better and life was better. Thus far i am over a year sober and it has been hard some days but i never ever want to drink again.

Believe me i so did not want to never drink again and i did not want to give up al as i knew it would be hard to do but i also know now that i am an alcoholic and i cannot ever have one drink again. I could try and i could think i had control but i no that al would take all the control i have now away. I will not drink again, i cannot drink again and thats okay with me. I dont miss the hangovers or the shakes or the anxiety or the depression or the loneliness or the sadness or the shame.

Someone said to me recently that i did not look like an alcoholic. I am still trying to figure out what we look like as the majority of us are normal everyday people with an addiction.

Only you can decide Tipsy on the journey you want to take. MWO was a lifesaver to me and the people on here will always help and support you in your decision.

thanks for your story.

[Eloise]

Welcome Tipsy, you do sound like someone who could benefit from some time on this site.
I was not so different from you, but my personal life was a quiet isolated haven where I filled the anxious hours with wine. I knew I should stop but did not have the resolve.
Seven years after joining this site for the first time I finally quit.
Now I cant figure out why I waited?
Spend some time reading here, it will help & it seems you have already made a big step my posting. Great!

[lifechange]

Welcome Tipsy!

[See the Light]

Welcome Tipsy- Thanks for sharing your story..It is a pretty familiar one here actually, so know you are not alone. It was impressive in your post that you have recognized your drinking problem and the implications of it. That really is step 1. I also noticed , however, that you concluded by saying “but I don’t know if I want it enough”. That will need to be your step 2. Your drinking WILL NOT EVER just go away by itself. YOU HAVE TO WANT It. And want it bad…like nothing else. It is hard work, a commitment to change and possibly the most important thing in your life. If you keep drinking you may find new bottoms, new dark places and new regrets. There plenty of support here to help you with ideas and motivation to get you to where you know you should be, but it starts with YOU … when you are ready tell yourself you want it enough, so you can start moving to the next stages of recovery..it is hard work, but it is worth it… when will you want it?

[KENSHO]

Hi Tipsy! Welcome! I definitely did not want to give up alcohol. I thought it was my friend and my stress relief and my confidence and my pleasure. But it really wasn't any of those things. I saw it begin to affect my health and relationships - though I "held it together" very well - by most standards. I decided I wanted a better future for myself and my kids. I decided to try for 30 days alcohol free and I can honestly say that it has opened doors in my life that I didn't even know were there. I've now spent 6 months almost entirely alcohol free (I had a couple oopses), and I can honestly say that I have NO desire to go back. It took committing to that first 30 days and seeing how much better I felt physically, how much easier I was able to think and communicate and remember things, how much better my body felt, how much stronger I am emotionally, how much better my relationships are.... to realize that I truly do want a life without alcohol. It took some time, but life is fuller, richer, clearer and more authentic than it could have ever been while drinking. Maybe you could do a similar 30 days to see how you feel?

[Pavati]

Hi, Tipsy:

I agree with all of the above - I REALLY didn't want to give up alcohol, and the rest of my life was FINE - I had a great job, a good marriage, two kids, the whole kit and kaboodle. When I finally accepted that my use of alcohol was becoming unmanageable (when addiction kicks in, it is no longer a choice you are making, no longer a matter of will power - alcohol is calling the shots), and accepted that I couldn't drink, it made getting sober possible. I can't tell you what a relief it was, and what a weight it was off my shoulders.

The other thing - it turns out that my job was OK, but I am so much better without hangovers and a fuzzy brain. My marriage was OK, but is so much better without my nightly escape. My parenting was OK, but is so much better without my constantly thinking about getting my next drink instead of being present with my kids.

I was very afraid to quit, but the fear is gone. I know that my life is so much better (and will be so much longer) without alcohol in it.

Take a look at the Tool Box under Monthly Abstinence. A very good place to start.

Welcome!
Pav

[frances]

The other thing - it turns out that my job was OK, but I am so much better without hangovers and a fuzzy brain. My marriage was OK, but is so much better without my nightly escape. My parenting was OK, but is so much better without my constantly thinking about getting my next drink instead of being present with my kids.

Love that Pav! So true! And welcome to you Tipsy!

I was also very similar to you. It took me many stops and starts to get here. The thing I noticed over time, after recognizing many many years ago that I had issues, was that alcohol became more and more and more a part of my life. I began to want to drink earlier in the evening and I began to drink more. I couldn't do things, be out, waiting for my kids if I took them somewhere, unless I had some place to go have a drink. If I had something to do Sunday afternoon after church, I would come home first and have a quick drink before doing it. I did not like how alcohol began to really control me rather than the other way around. If you are here now, you know you have a problem and you know you want to change. You have come to a great place - I like Kensho's idea of giving it a try - and think carefully over those days as to what you will do at the end of them. When I first came on MWO 8 years ago I didn't drink for 30 days and then what? I went straight back to how I had been drinking before that. It is too easy to get back to the same old habits, and it invariably happens.

check out the newbies nest if you haven't already - Hope to see you there!

[MossRose]

Hi Tipsy - another "functioning alcoholic" weighing in here. I didn't want to quit drinking either. Just a few years ago, I had a "good" life too. A long-term marriage, lots of friends, a house, my job, and two great kids. I thought I had it all under control. From the outside looking in, things were great, but from the inside looking out, things weren't so good. Fast forward to today, and my life looks very different. I waited too long to quit drinking, and I lost much. I was dumb enough to wait until I nearly hit bottom. All I had left was my job, and that was cold comfort. I know I sound like a broken record, but i can't say this enough ...it's easier to prevent the problems than to repair them. You obviously have a lot to lose and that, my friend, is something to give careful thought to.

But the good news is that I have gained so many blessings on this journey that I never could have imagined when I was still swilling wine.

Yes, my marriage ended, but that was directly attributable to our drinking. I no longer own my house because the bank took it, but now I have a home. The difference is amazing. I feel comfortable and safe here. I lost many "friends," but now realize that those who remain are true and loyal. I feel blessed. I still have the same job, but since getting sober, it has blossomed into a true career. I have been promoted twice since I quit drinking. And my sons are still wonderful, but they call and come around a whole lot more now.

Think of me as a cautionary tale. And a success story. Best wishes, Tipsy.

[Overit-still]

Hi Tipsy. I could write all the things that everyone else already has. it's all true.

But I love your honesty. Do you want it enough? That is the question at the bottom of the bottle.

I don't think I have crossed over yet. I'm still struggling with my brain. I wonder daily, if I didn't have any of "this" to care about, would I quit drinking? I have to do it for myself but obviously if I am having those thoughts, I haven't quit for myself but to save everything and everybody I care about.

Thanks for getting me thinking.