I need Help. please!!

[Mm22]

I just need help. I don't know what to do. I hate myself every morning I keep telling myself that I will stop. I can't sleep at night due to the guilt. I just don't know what to do. I literally through bottles out to my yard in rage and telling myself that I will not drink only to pick it up that evening after work. I read books about alcoholism, it's like I'm obsessed but I can't stop. How do I justify it every evening. I swear that I'm not going to drink every morning but then after work I feel like I have to/ want to. I want to scream. I'm so frustrated I went 4 days without not too long ago and I was so happy. I just can't get to that place again. I know that a person with a problem cannot drink in moderation it's all or nothing . I just need to get to that better place but I just can't
I don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know.

[jane27]

Hi Mm22,

You are in the right place! I am sorry you feel so down- we have all been there and its not a fun place to be. Please check out the thread called Newbie's Nest. Its where a lot of folks start out. You'll feel like your reading your own story. Get involved with posting on that thread and don't second guess it. Only good will come. All of us got to the point where we didn't know what to do. I started posting in the Newbie's Nest, made friends that I clicked with and ultimately figured out that the easiest thing for me to do was shift from trusting my own instincts and instead copy the folks who had successfully attained the kind of life and calm I wanted. You really can do this, and I know that you know that, but its hard to believe it when you keep falling back on the same pattern. News alert- it really is an addiction, and that's why you'll hear your own story in countless people you come across on here. The common thread is that we all can not handle drinking- at all- ever- even one sip. All you have to do is want it badly enough to get through a handful of months that are challenging and uncomfortable. YOU CAN DO THIS. :hug:

[Pinecone]

Hi Mm22! I can really relate to your post.

You are in the right place for help. This is a safe place to get help. I know that feeling of making promises to quit and then breaking them that afternoon SO WELL! I also hated myself for it. I wanted a life full of fulfilling relationships and friendships that I was fully present for, enriching hobbies and interests, good health and a sense of calm or peace. Instead I was trapped on the carousel to hell and the person running it was asleep!

There really is a way out of this hell. It involves doing things not as we have been doing them up to this point. I want to direct you to two places:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?24253-Tool-box

https://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?26685-Newbies-Nest

These two links will provide you with TOOLS and SUPPORT for your quit. I recommend reading the toolbox in its entirety to learn about concrete strategies and techniques for quitting. With the Newbies Nest, you can just jump right in and post there for almost immediate support (it is the busiest thread). You can read the whole thing if you want to but it is years long!

You deserve to get back to that better place!

[NoSugar]

Hi, mm22

You aren't a weak, morally flawed person because you promise yourself each morning you won't drink but then each evening, you do. That is a hallmark of an addicted brain. Each morning, your rational brain (the real you!) makes the right choice. But by afternoon, your limbic brain (the part responsible for survival) is in charge. Drinking regularly has changed your biochemistry so that now the signal is that you need to drink to live! That of course isn't true (although the opposite may be) and your brain needs to be rewired/healed. The key to that is not to consume alcohol at all but there are other tools including good nutrition, exercise, meditation, etc. that are important, too.

To start, your rational brain needs to set things up so that later in the day, you won't cave in to the demands of your limbic brain. The links Pinecone gave you are great places to start.

Welcome! NS

[Mm22]

Thanks everyone. So right about now 1hr before going home I am taunted by a need to have a g lass when I get home. It's almost like I'm allotting my body to drink because I've had a bad day. Not even a bad day just a tired one. Now when I get home I can reward my self. I hate myself for thinking this way.
I need strength! God please give me the strength I need!!

Thanks everyone for the support.

[treetops]

How are you doing Mm? Many of us here on MWO have been through what you are gong through. We work hard and then we have to face the next shift (i.e. housework, cooking dinner etc). There is very little time to relax. You have to break the cycle and the only way I think to do this if you are addicted is to break habits and learn new ones. That is really hard. It might mean that you are under 'lock down' at the start - i.e. no stopping for supplies for dinner on the way home if that is a temptation to purchase AL. Shop at another time when your 'rational' brain is in full gear. Try to get lots of rest and allow yourself downtime in the evening. Keep posting here. Don't beat yourself up if you do drink - but don't see it as opening the floodgates either. Its only after decent period of being AF (at least a month) that you can assess things more clearly. Make sure you have something small to look forward to at the end of the day - it doesn't have to be a big deal. And being tired after work, having a bad day - such is the nature of this system most of us live within.

[Mm22]

Hi treetop. Well, I did no go without wine last night but I did limit myself to 2 glasses instead of my normal bottle. I woke up refreshed and without a headache. So I hope that I can eventually go a night without. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe tonight... I have to take my boy shopping this evening so I might take my time and no rush home to the bottle. I found your reply very interesting so I hope that I feel this positive after work. I sure hope so. Talk to you soon Treetop!
Thanks for the support again.

[MossRose]

Hi mm and welcome. I sure can relate to your story. I spent decades "throwing out the bottles," only to drink again that night. I honestly didn't think there was a way out. But there is. It's hard, and it takes effort, but it's possible. Just keep thinking about how good you felt during those four sober days. Maybe challenge yourself to one week. Just 7 days. I read a book that talked about this and the author said something like...."if you aren't pleased with sobriety at the end of seven days, we will gladly refund your misery." That's not a direct quote, but it has stayed with me. Take it in bite-size pieces. Don't hate yourself for not being perfect. Just be kind to yourself.

How are you doing? You haven't posted recently. Please come back and give us an update. We're good listeners, and there isn't anything you can say that will scare us off. xx

[frances]

..."if you aren't pleased with sobriety at the end of seven days, we will gladly refund your misery."

I love that MossRose!

Mm22 I hope you are doing okay - post questions, post when you're drinking, post anything - or just read - but stick around it really helps to stay on track.

[happy guy]

Hi Mm22 how u doing, I am in exactly the same place, your post is to the letter the same as my story, waking up feeling crap and promising the earth to myself and my family, this cycle has been going on for years, I didn't drink last night and feel a bit better this morning , I really want to get to AA tonight but i an scared by the time evening time comes i will justify drinking because its Friday, i have worked hard all week (part time delivering sandwichs), even though i have drank already couple of times this week i use any excuse to drink, well i am gonna try my damnest to go to AA. It worked for me couple of years ago i got 9 months sober then slipped and people i met when i just started are 2-3 years sober and i am starting over again . good luck and look forward to reading your success story.

[Eloise]

you know it is cool you post this happy guy!
you were sober for 9 months and then slipped, it can happen so easily I think. That one drink just 'happens' and everything goes south; a very good reminder for many of us so thank you for posting.

[Cherokeer]

Mm,

I too, have been there. I felt like an alcohol fiend at one time. I felt so powerless against alcohol. Couple that with the intense self loathing I had going on at the time and it was a hamster wheel of 6 kinds of hell. One day I just broke. I cried out to God to just help me I couldn't do this on my own. I was so raw so fragile. I started posting here, it was the middle of the day and people reached out to me immediately their kindness and understanding had me sobbing like I never had in my life. I was in gut wrenching agony and those who reached out to me saved me, empowered me as nothing else could have. First step is the hardest, every step makes you stronger. I wish you peace and strength through this.

[lizker]

Mm22 I was exactly where you are 5 days ago. I was praying to get to a place where I can start day 1 again after a nasty relapse. From experience you just gotta get through day 3 then get your game plan in place. It makes it easier to taper off and set a date to quit. From what I jus went through, this beast is no joke...it only gets worse. Please stay on this site and make a commitment.