So, I'm coming up on 9 months here in a couple days and since I can't sleep I thought I'd spend some time considering things like gratitude. It's really easy for me to get hung up on things I haven't done yet, parts of my life that still need work, and forget to be grateful that I've even got that option.
When I first wandered over here, I was sick and so very very tired. My drinking had been worrisome for a long time, but I'd started to increasingly become aware of it. I'd realized some time ago that instead of arguing with myself over whether or not I was mentally addicted to drinking, it was getting impossible to ignore that I was definitely physically addicted. I was a day drinker any time I didn't need to work, and I'd had two long spells of being unemployed (not due to my drinking, though I'm sure that didn't help) to get even worse about it. I'd held on to the drinking for so long as a way to self medicate my depression, anxiety, and never ending perfectionism that I didn't know any other way to handle my life - but I knew I'd lost control. I had a lot of days where I didn't much care if I died. I lived in almost constant fear that my friends and family would realize how bad my problem really was, but I didn't really see how miserable *I* was. Or I saw it and didn't think to blame the drinking. I'm not exaggerating when I say I was on my way to very quietly and unobtrusively drinking myself to death.
I'd had a few scares with my drinking over the years, one of them was a nasty case of pancreatitus. I'd always sworn I'd stop drinking if I ever had health issues - I didn't want to be an alcoholic like my dad - and it was unnerving to me that I couldn't seem to stop even after that. I remember going to my brother's wedding soon afterwards thinking, "Everyone knows I was sick and shouldn't drink, plus my dad's here...I'll just have one to be polite and that's it." And then having...geez, I'm not sure how many I had, just that I was spending all my time figuring out how to do it in a way no one would notice. I moderated for a while, and then went back to drinking way too much, every time. I'd avoid taking antibiotics or allergy meds because that meant I couldn't drink. (I was scared to death of mixing alcohol with drugs.) I kept telling myself that I wasn't "that bad" since I didn't have a DUI, hadn't been fired from a job; I thought I just had to work harder at moderating. If I wasn't an alcoholic, then I was clearly just a failure at having self control. I'm so smart, I should be able to handle this, obviously I'm just not trying hard enough.
I'd been scanning the internet for a couple weeks, trying to find that magic website that would convince me one way or another that I did or didn't have a problem. Then one night I had an argument with a friend of mine. It had been a bit of a tough friendship for me, I had a lot of trust issues after my last relationship and here was this guy I really liked who wanted to be friends but absolutely didn't want to date. I was so scared he'd hurt me if I opened up, and if we weren't even dating how could I trust him to stay around? But it also frustrated me because I always used to be able to handle friendships like that just fine...this time I seemed to always be getting upset over something he'd said or not said and then mad at myself for being upset...and it was such a cycle. I knew it was bad for me and unfair to him. Somehow, a tiny lightbulb went on that I'd probably handle things better if I wasn't always drinking. Maybe my emotions would settle out. But I hadn't been completely sober for an entire day in years, much less long enough to really see if it would help!
That's when I poked my head into the Nest and started on a journey I wasn't entirely convinced I was ready for. I read so many people posting here, people like me, people who struggled with their relationship with alcohol but had come to a place where they got free of it. I was scared to try, but I was more scared of what would happen if I didn't.
Nine months doesn't make me an old timer here by any means, I don't pretend to be exceptionally wise or to have fought through everything. I still have a whole lot of sober firsts to get through! Since I don't have kids, the idea that 9 months is enough time to have a child doesn't seem to fit in my head. But that's also an entire school year. It's been a long time since I was in school (lol), but I remember well enough how much I could change as a person in that time, even as an adult when I went back to get my degree. It's unquestionably the longest time I've ever been completely sober since I first started drinking as a teenager.
I do know that where I am now is far better than I ever would have expected for myself when I started out. My health is better enough to be a different person entirely, I'm doing things that I'm proud of in my creative life, my relationships with others have improved, and I'm regaining the strength and faith in myself to do things that seemed too scary before. Even crappy days like the last few are legitimately still better than my "best" days drinking. (Oh, and things are good with that friend of mine. He has neither ripped my heart out and jumped on it nor bailed on me. And I like to think I'm easier to be around - more importantly I'm about a million times less stressed when things aren't perfect.) And I'm at a point where most days, I don't even think about drinking - so you can and will get to that point if that's your goal!
What's helped me so far was listening to the old timers - not blindly, but with an open mind and heart. Sometimes I disagreed and later found their advice to work for me, other times I disagreed and found other advice worked better. I think it's been important that I listened, though, and was willing to at least TRY. And most of what I've questioned are things I really ought to discuss with my doctor anyway - things like medication, the ecigs, and so on. I think it can be easy to take advice personally in a negative way, and it's important to remember we're all here to help. If someone is warning you about something, it's probably because they had a really bad experience and are hoping to save you from having to live it out, too. I don't know about anyone else, but I got in the habit of being defensive while I was drinking and the habit is crazy hard to break.
I've also had to stop thinking of myself as special. I mean, the "I'm sure I'm too smart to..." or "But my depression/anxiety/life is so hard because..." I am a fairly intelligent woman, and I have been dealt some crappy cards in life...but so have others. And my issues with AL are independent of the rest of that. I can acknowledge my struggles without making them an excuse to drink - I just had to learn how to do that, and practice it. No matter how scared/sad/stressed I am, I still need to not drink. No matter how smart I am, I still need to take care of myself and be aware if I'm acting relapse-y. I've seen folks say they'd hate to always worry about relapsing, and I don't mean it that way. It's more like I don't plan on getting in an accident, but I still have car insurance and I still keep my eyes out for people driving crazy. My good driving and intention not to get in an accident doesn't mean I never will, and unless the Sober Faerie waves her magic wand over my head, I've got the chance of relapse as much as anyone else. So, I go forward with my eyes open to the risks, and minimize them the best I can.
For myself, I also had to absolutely commit to being AF. I'm not telling anyone else what to do here, I just needed to have that kind of focus to pull it off at all. I needed to put everything into, "How am I going to make AF work?" and not get sidetracked with loopholes and maybe-someday. There's still days I don't much LIKE that concept, but I'm building up those "hate it, but do it" muscles. I don't have to argue with myself if I stick to the AF plan, and being free from that constant battle is more important to me than whether I can "handle just one." (One more time, I'm just talking about ME and mean no offense or harm towards anyone else.) I've said before that my signature line isn't actually a joke. When I really commit to something, I am stubborn enough to move mountains; and I *needed* and I'm sure will still need every bit of that stubbornness.
I've gotten really long here, but there's at least one more thing I want to mention. I found MWO and the Nest when I was absolutely at the end of my rope and could not even see how to keep living the way I was living. I'd previously tried quitting, moderating, all kinds of things. That's not to say everyone here didn't help - the support here is one of the things that made a huge difference for me! I just don't want anyone who wasn't around when I started to think I'm just lucky or special. If I'd wandered in here even a few years earlier, I'm not sure I would have been in a place to really make it work. I also re don't think I hit my actual bottom, for what it's worth - there was a part of me braced for worse things and I likely would have gotten them. Good timing, grace of a higher power, however you want to view it.
I should probably stop writing a novel about now. But I want to thank everyone in here once again - for support, for advice, and for sharing your stories. The sharing is HUGE, even if you're just writing it for yourself. This is probably the first time in my life I've really worked on reaching out to people about my *own* issues instead of just trying to help everyone else; it's been just life changing for me to start learning how to do this.
When I first wandered over here, I was sick and so very very tired. My drinking had been worrisome for a long time, but I'd started to increasingly become aware of it. I'd realized some time ago that instead of arguing with myself over whether or not I was mentally addicted to drinking, it was getting impossible to ignore that I was definitely physically addicted. I was a day drinker any time I didn't need to work, and I'd had two long spells of being unemployed (not due to my drinking, though I'm sure that didn't help) to get even worse about it. I'd held on to the drinking for so long as a way to self medicate my depression, anxiety, and never ending perfectionism that I didn't know any other way to handle my life - but I knew I'd lost control. I had a lot of days where I didn't much care if I died. I lived in almost constant fear that my friends and family would realize how bad my problem really was, but I didn't really see how miserable *I* was. Or I saw it and didn't think to blame the drinking. I'm not exaggerating when I say I was on my way to very quietly and unobtrusively drinking myself to death.
I'd had a few scares with my drinking over the years, one of them was a nasty case of pancreatitus. I'd always sworn I'd stop drinking if I ever had health issues - I didn't want to be an alcoholic like my dad - and it was unnerving to me that I couldn't seem to stop even after that. I remember going to my brother's wedding soon afterwards thinking, "Everyone knows I was sick and shouldn't drink, plus my dad's here...I'll just have one to be polite and that's it." And then having...geez, I'm not sure how many I had, just that I was spending all my time figuring out how to do it in a way no one would notice. I moderated for a while, and then went back to drinking way too much, every time. I'd avoid taking antibiotics or allergy meds because that meant I couldn't drink. (I was scared to death of mixing alcohol with drugs.) I kept telling myself that I wasn't "that bad" since I didn't have a DUI, hadn't been fired from a job; I thought I just had to work harder at moderating. If I wasn't an alcoholic, then I was clearly just a failure at having self control. I'm so smart, I should be able to handle this, obviously I'm just not trying hard enough.
I'd been scanning the internet for a couple weeks, trying to find that magic website that would convince me one way or another that I did or didn't have a problem. Then one night I had an argument with a friend of mine. It had been a bit of a tough friendship for me, I had a lot of trust issues after my last relationship and here was this guy I really liked who wanted to be friends but absolutely didn't want to date. I was so scared he'd hurt me if I opened up, and if we weren't even dating how could I trust him to stay around? But it also frustrated me because I always used to be able to handle friendships like that just fine...this time I seemed to always be getting upset over something he'd said or not said and then mad at myself for being upset...and it was such a cycle. I knew it was bad for me and unfair to him. Somehow, a tiny lightbulb went on that I'd probably handle things better if I wasn't always drinking. Maybe my emotions would settle out. But I hadn't been completely sober for an entire day in years, much less long enough to really see if it would help!
That's when I poked my head into the Nest and started on a journey I wasn't entirely convinced I was ready for. I read so many people posting here, people like me, people who struggled with their relationship with alcohol but had come to a place where they got free of it. I was scared to try, but I was more scared of what would happen if I didn't.
Nine months doesn't make me an old timer here by any means, I don't pretend to be exceptionally wise or to have fought through everything. I still have a whole lot of sober firsts to get through! Since I don't have kids, the idea that 9 months is enough time to have a child doesn't seem to fit in my head. But that's also an entire school year. It's been a long time since I was in school (lol), but I remember well enough how much I could change as a person in that time, even as an adult when I went back to get my degree. It's unquestionably the longest time I've ever been completely sober since I first started drinking as a teenager.
I do know that where I am now is far better than I ever would have expected for myself when I started out. My health is better enough to be a different person entirely, I'm doing things that I'm proud of in my creative life, my relationships with others have improved, and I'm regaining the strength and faith in myself to do things that seemed too scary before. Even crappy days like the last few are legitimately still better than my "best" days drinking. (Oh, and things are good with that friend of mine. He has neither ripped my heart out and jumped on it nor bailed on me. And I like to think I'm easier to be around - more importantly I'm about a million times less stressed when things aren't perfect.) And I'm at a point where most days, I don't even think about drinking - so you can and will get to that point if that's your goal!
What's helped me so far was listening to the old timers - not blindly, but with an open mind and heart. Sometimes I disagreed and later found their advice to work for me, other times I disagreed and found other advice worked better. I think it's been important that I listened, though, and was willing to at least TRY. And most of what I've questioned are things I really ought to discuss with my doctor anyway - things like medication, the ecigs, and so on. I think it can be easy to take advice personally in a negative way, and it's important to remember we're all here to help. If someone is warning you about something, it's probably because they had a really bad experience and are hoping to save you from having to live it out, too. I don't know about anyone else, but I got in the habit of being defensive while I was drinking and the habit is crazy hard to break.
I've also had to stop thinking of myself as special. I mean, the "I'm sure I'm too smart to..." or "But my depression/anxiety/life is so hard because..." I am a fairly intelligent woman, and I have been dealt some crappy cards in life...but so have others. And my issues with AL are independent of the rest of that. I can acknowledge my struggles without making them an excuse to drink - I just had to learn how to do that, and practice it. No matter how scared/sad/stressed I am, I still need to not drink. No matter how smart I am, I still need to take care of myself and be aware if I'm acting relapse-y. I've seen folks say they'd hate to always worry about relapsing, and I don't mean it that way. It's more like I don't plan on getting in an accident, but I still have car insurance and I still keep my eyes out for people driving crazy. My good driving and intention not to get in an accident doesn't mean I never will, and unless the Sober Faerie waves her magic wand over my head, I've got the chance of relapse as much as anyone else. So, I go forward with my eyes open to the risks, and minimize them the best I can.
For myself, I also had to absolutely commit to being AF. I'm not telling anyone else what to do here, I just needed to have that kind of focus to pull it off at all. I needed to put everything into, "How am I going to make AF work?" and not get sidetracked with loopholes and maybe-someday. There's still days I don't much LIKE that concept, but I'm building up those "hate it, but do it" muscles. I don't have to argue with myself if I stick to the AF plan, and being free from that constant battle is more important to me than whether I can "handle just one." (One more time, I'm just talking about ME and mean no offense or harm towards anyone else.) I've said before that my signature line isn't actually a joke. When I really commit to something, I am stubborn enough to move mountains; and I *needed* and I'm sure will still need every bit of that stubbornness.
I've gotten really long here, but there's at least one more thing I want to mention. I found MWO and the Nest when I was absolutely at the end of my rope and could not even see how to keep living the way I was living. I'd previously tried quitting, moderating, all kinds of things. That's not to say everyone here didn't help - the support here is one of the things that made a huge difference for me! I just don't want anyone who wasn't around when I started to think I'm just lucky or special. If I'd wandered in here even a few years earlier, I'm not sure I would have been in a place to really make it work. I also re don't think I hit my actual bottom, for what it's worth - there was a part of me braced for worse things and I likely would have gotten them. Good timing, grace of a higher power, however you want to view it.
I should probably stop writing a novel about now. But I want to thank everyone in here once again - for support, for advice, and for sharing your stories. The sharing is HUGE, even if you're just writing it for yourself. This is probably the first time in my life I've really worked on reaching out to people about my *own* issues instead of just trying to help everyone else; it's been just life changing for me to start learning how to do this.
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