This is not living.

[rednose]

So when did you know that alcohol had more control over your life than you did?
That is where I am at and I have no idea how to stop drinking anymore.
I wake up and say today is the day that I am not going to drink and I end up going to bed drunk off my ass and repeat the cycle the next day.
This to me is not living, it is surviving as a drunk and it is getting worse every day.
I feel powerless over alcohol and I know I need to quit but the story keeps repeating and repeating and so on and so on.
I have been here before with little success and I wish it was different. I am already on a half of a bottle of wine and it is 2: pm in the afternoon.
This is a pathetic life I am living but it is the life I have chosen.

rednose

[available]

Hi Red

For me personally, i felt like you but then the blackouts became worse, the DT's became worse, the sores would not heal, the anxiety, and it all became slowly worse day by day. I never ever wanted to stop drinking, but i wanted to try for health reasons and i knew in my heart something had to give. I hit the repeat button daily until after being on mwo i decided to read and listen to the oldies. i left my ego at the door, meaning that i had to realise that i was no better than anyone else, i had a huge problem with al and to reach out and take help and ask for it when needed. I only wanted to commit for 4 months till my 50th but after doing the 4 months i realised that as much as i wanted al in my life, i had to say goodbye. It has done me no favours in my life, only caused pain and hurt to others and myself. In my lucid moments before i started drinking at the end of the day, i realised that i didnt want to die this way and only i could do this, it was my choice, no one elses, no one could do it for me but i could get the support of fellow alkies on here.

I look back now Red and yes my life was pathetic when i drank but i had no idea how to get out of the hell i was living until i made the choice i did. Now i am so proud of what i have achieved. I love, i laugh and i enjoy life. Somedays it is total shite and i am pulling every bit of "grateful" out of my arse but I dont drink. You can do this.

[Pavati]

Hi, Red:

Ava said it so well. I would add that what happened for me was the full acceptance that I was an alcoholic and could not drink and stay a) with my family b) with my job, c) alive.

If you read about addiction, quitting and/or drinking is not a matter of will power - you are not in control of your thinking. Create a plan, tell a friend, read and post, ask for help. Have you considered asking your doctor about help? Is there anyone in person? We can help you if you come here and post.

You got this, Red. Step one is coming here, step two is getting rid of all of the alcohol.

Pav

[Matt M.]

I would add that what happened for me was the full acceptance that I was an alcoholic and could not drink and stay a) with my family b) with my job, c) alive.

Well Said Pav and Ava.
Red only you can make this choice, they're are many who will go to great lengths to help you along the way, myself included.

[Turnagain]

Hi Red...

Whenever I see your handle, I am reminded of one of the first uh-oh moments I had that drinking was starting to take an undeniable toll on my body. I noticed that the little capillaries around my nose had started to break. Yup - I was getting a red drinkers' nose! Those signs and symptoms kept piling up and pointing to a conclusion that I just didn't want to acknowledge: I had become addicted to alcohol.

Addiction is hell. Despite my good intentions and ideas to 'control' my drinking, nothing ever worked. I grew to HATE the compulsion that dominated my life and sent me out to the liquor store everyday at 5 pm ( except on weekends - when I headed out at 11 am.)

Perhaps one of the most devastating aspects of alcohol is that it damages and diminishes the part of the brain that is in charge of making good choices. So how to you break this cycle while you still have some capacity to 'choose'? You do exactly what you've just done - the fact that you've reached a point where you can see the downside of drinking and that you've reached out for help is a hopeful action.

For me, acceptance came in the form of finally understanding the absolute damage that alcohol causes to every body - every time and even more so for those of us who have become addicted by this addictive drug. I finally realized there is just no way to control drinking after a certain point - it is impossible - like fighting gravity. So I HAD to stop - for good. And as it turns out, living free of addiction is MORE than good!

As you look around here, you won't see any long timers moping about because they can't drink anymore. There's freedom and protection in making the unalterable, ironclad decision to keep the addictive crap out. When the inevitable triggers and cues come knocking...that decision gives you the power to keep the damn door closed.

"Quitting" seems scary when you're mired in the pit, but it's the only option if you want to experience living fully again. In reality, the decision should be more accurately defined as "Starting."

Once you no longer allow the crap in...no matter what....You start to heal - you start to find health again...and you start to cultivate the kind of well-being that so many of us thought was inside a bottle.

Red - you can be one of the free - once and for all...you can become the Red Rose!

[rednose]

Thank you all for your advise and help.
I some how found the strength not to drink yesterday so I have 1 day free of alcohol.
It is a first step and I am glad to have it

Thank you all. rednose

[^Elle^]

I feel exactly the same way you describe in your original post! I feel SO the same - this is NOT living. This will be my day 1.

Elle

[rednose]

I feel exactly the same way you describe in your original post! I feel SO the same - this is NOT living. This will be my day 1.

Elle

Elle good luck to you. Getting thru the first week is going to be the hardest. Stay in touch. I want to see your name on the roll call tomorrow. You can do this.

[paulywogg]

Rednose,I remember you from the past few times, even made a thread asking about you a couple of years ago, I'm glad you're back and I hope you don't disappear again(please) good job on day 1 you can do this

[Turnagain]

Day 1 is the toughest and it's behind you now Red and Elle....Congratulations!

For the next week or two...treat yourself gently... stay hydrated....eat healthy and you'll start feeling really good before you know it.

[available]

Great work Red and Elle, we all start somewhere and sometimes we stop and start. Al is a powerful addictive drug and as Turn said be very very gentle on yourself. Make yourself the priority.