A long time coming

[agnos]

My grandfather gave me my first beer when I was 12. Coming from a large family where daily drinking was accepted I began partying as a young teenager and in to my early twenties was drinking 6-7 nights a week out with friends. One night I got lost outside the big city where I had recently moved, alone on a dark road and very drunk. I woke up the next day not knowing how I got home and realized I needed to change. That change included getting pregnant and getting married, but did not include quitting drinking, except for my pregnancy. Trapped in a bad marriage I began mixing prescription meds such as Xanax with alcohol. Many times I would forget where I left things, and that wasn't the worst of it. Divorcing after a few years of an abusive marriage I stupidly threw myself into the single dating scene where I continued to drink and do other drugs but all the while holding a job. I had myself convinced that if I never missed a day of work, alcohol was not a problem. I eventually met my second husband, in a bar of course. In spite of that, we have been happily married 14 years and he is very good to me and my now 18 year old son. At 43 I have wanted to get control over my drinking for over a year. I began to be ashamed of the 4-5 nightly glasses of wine when I noticed I was lying to my doctor about my alcohol use. I never really considered it a problem until then. I started considering what I was doing to my health over the long term and it scares me because I have a nagging ache in the area of my liver at times. I am tired of waking up with a headache and feeling crappy all day. I am tired of the lack of energy and good sleep I have been missing out on all these years. I am sick of my selfish attitude and want to be more present for my family. I am grateful to have found a way other than AA. I am NOT powerless before alcohol. I know I can control it. I just need the right tools and the desire to accomplish my goal. I am 5 days sober, which is a great accomplishment since it has been 5 years or more since I can remember having that many days in a row without alcohol. Last night was the toughest because I always tried not to drink M-Th nights. That was on a good week, and there weren't many of them when I made it past Wednesday without having a drink. Then two, then three, etc. I tried counselling not long ago and my therapist after 7 visits just didn't seem to me to be addressing my real issues. I recently found a hypno therapist and after one session over the phone ( I was skeptical that an initial phone session would be effective, but was pleasantly surprised ) I feel I have found someone who can truly help me with the issues that are contributing to my alcohol abuse . Thankfully I have begun therapy the same week I am trying Kudzu for the cravings. Maybe its in my head, but it seems to be working. That and the sheer will to succeed, maybe this time I can really do it. My goal is to completely quit for 30 days at least and see how I feel. Maybe I will feel so good, I won't ever pick up another drink again. Maybe I will learn how to drink in moderation. Either way, I never want to go back to the endless string of daily drinking that I have been trapped in for so long. Peace to all.

[available]

Hi Agnos and congratulations on 5 days sober.

Your story is a very familiar one on here and we all at some stage or another have just had enough and for me i needed support to get and stay sober after many many failed attempts at moderating. My health was deteriorating rapidly, i lied to my doctor about my drinking, i tried to lie to everyone about my drinking and especially myself. When i started to get constant blackouts then i knew that i had to do something to get al out of my life. I was addicted and it was a bad habit that i had to break. Being on here has changed my whole outlook to al. With pure grit and determination and being accountable to the many people on here who have helped me stop drinking has been a godsend. I have now been sober a year and a half and i never want the life i had before, i love waking up daily without a hangover, i appreciate what i have and i will not lose that by having a drink.

You sound very determined Agnos and that is a big bonus as well as being accountable and having a plan. The newbies nest is a good place to get to know others and there is always someone to listen and help when those cravings hit.

Keep strong.

[Pavati]

Hi, Agnos:

Welcome to MWO - as Ava says, a great place to get support and tools to stay sober. When I first joined I spent a lot of time here, reading and writing to figure it all out. There are a lot of people with a lot of wisdom here.

30 days is a good start - but considering the pain you describe alcohol causing you, what is the draw to drink again? My family all are big drinkers, most "normally," but many alcoholically. I thought it would be impossible to be sober and still have fun with them. It turns out I was wrong, and even at a family reunion, no one knew I wasn't drinking until the end of the weekend.

Anyway - welcome.

Pav

[abcowboy]

:welcome: agnos! Not much more to add to what ava and pav have already said. You took the first big step and 5 days is fantastic! As you can tell, it's just one day at a time, forget about tomorrow, just work on today! Read across the forum and jump in on any thread you feel fits with you, no matter what thread, you'll be warmly welcomed!

[mama bear]

Welcome Agnos. We all get it....trust me.
We are a friendly bunch in the One Step at a Time thread, and the Newbies Nest is great for newcomers!

[agnos]

Thank you Ava... reading about how those such as yourself have struggled but still been successful has been a great support, comfort and inspiration to me.

[agnos]

What a great question for me to consider. I think I have a notion I can drink moderately someday ( 1-2 drinks on a special occasion, or out to dinner) but maybe I am fooling myself. I feel so good physically and mentally after not drinking for over a week maybe the cravings will just eventually go away and I won't even care. I drink diet ginger ale and other spritzer waters that I really enjoy when others are having beer or wine and it doesn't seem to bother me. You are right, being around my family for the first time will be a challenge, but I know I can do it. I survived this weekend, two dinners out with people who were drinking and it didn't bother me much. Thank you for pointing out that the problems alcohol have caused me in the past are not worth the risk of trying to moderate after a 30.

[Byrdlady]

Hey Agnos! Great job of making a decision and sticking with it! I wanted to provide the link the the Newbie's nest as well as to the Tool Box (in my signature line). As the name implies, it has oodles of tips and coping skills to help you! So glad you made the decision to take your life back! You are worth fighting for! Welcome aboard! Byrdie

[Doggygirl]

Hi Agnos! Congrats on what sounds like over a week alcohol free now. Sounds like you are feeling good about this choice. I drank through all of life's occassions (high functioning alkie) for many years, and couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. I'm so glad I finally figured out that my BEST life was yet to come and is better than I ever imagined! Now I can't imagine why I would ever want to risk it all by picking up a drink again.

On my alcohol free attempt before my current one, I managed to stay AF for 3 months. Then I decided I would try to drink moderately. Well, that was a disaster! That set me up for a couple more years with AL's ball and chain around my ankle. Your truth may be different, but that was mine.

Freedom is worth the price we pay to get there.

[available]

Great work Agnos on now hopefully is over 7 days. Moderating, well we have all tried that one, we have all thought we can drink moderately after abstaining from al for a period of time, we all say to ourselves we are in control now but guess who has the control? that would be al.

You will get to a stage where you dont think about al but that is awhile away. Take each day as it comes Agnos you cant do anything else. For me i knew i was winning when i got home from work and automatically made a cup of coffee instead of wanting al as it was my witching hour.

Great work

[Anjicia]

Well done Agnos keep up the good work.

[agnos]

thanks available and Doggygirl... the longer I am away from it, the more I find myself thinking, "why risk starting again." I am starting to feel very good physically with tons more energy. My therapist says after 30 days I will feel even better and I am really looking forward to that.

[available]

its a risk i was not willing to take, a bit like russian roulette when you think of it. Alcoholics can never have one drink, we can never moderate and as much as its like losing our best friend (al) we are better off without it. I grieved my best friend in the early days, i was angry at what al had done to me, then i was sad that i would never be with al again, i mourned that al would never be in my life but in my heart i knew the damage my besty was doing to my body and mind and family.

30 days you will feel good and there are lots of ups and downs along the way, al will always try and let itself back into your life in the beginning but as the months pass the urges/cravings fade. my emotions were up and down like a yo yo, loved you one minute, hated you the next but i knew for sure i would not drink. Al would not win this fight with me.

Life is just so much more doable sober! i know i never want to do a day 1 again, i dont want that internal struggle is not worth the pain.

keep up the great work Agnos.

[Eloise]

Life is just so much more doable sober! i know i never want to do a day 1 again, i dont want that internal struggle is not worth the pain.



Couldn't agree more Available!!