Relationship help

[Springstart]

Hi, has anyone been in the same situation as me. I've been with my partner for 28 years, since I was 19 and he was 17, we got married last year after living together all this time. we have 2 children, 21 and 18 and have a lovely home and what I thought a loving relationship built on friendship.
Over Christmas we had a family house guest from Australia for a couple of months, it was a strain, then our 21 year old daughter moved in with her boyfriend till March. He seemed to withdraw, do things by himself. I noticed he was distant and asked him, after arguing, crying etc, he told me he felt caged. Then he told me he was going to priories himself, that he felt he had wasted his life, he started running and has booked in a couple of marathons to run soon. I straight away thought, mid life crisis, another woman etc.
Well fast forward and he's told me he loves me dearly but doesn't think he's in love with me, he says he doesn't fancy me anymore. He said its not me (i'm not a model but am not overweight and am told that I am attractive). He wants to be friends still and last week I told him I can't live like this (we are in separate beds now and its like we live together as before but I can't get over the way he's feeling towards me even though he says he loves me). so I told him to move out.

Its not just me, his kids say its like an aliens taken over their dad, he s only wanted to do things for himself and now he's realised he's not only neglected me but his kids he is gutted and desperate to try and get his relationship back with them.

I've asked him to come to relate, told him its to help me to come to terms with the end of our relationship so we can stay friends and to give him strategies to help him build his relationship with his son, but he doesn't want to, says he can't see how it will help and he doesn't want to tell a stranger anything.

I've told him I think he's depressed so have his kids but he says he isn't. He's not a bad person, he's tormented about the way he feels and cries a lot, saying he is sorry for everything.

I don't know what to do now. I suppose I'll just have to let him go? don't know how we'll manage financially never mind the pain that'll cause.

What shall I do, how do I help our son and should I help him build the bonds with his son, he wants me to, but I'm starting to feel really bitter, he won't even come to counselling to try and help us move forward, even if that's to split better. I know his son is 18 but I think its a really bad age, he needs a dad, I'm scared he'll go off the rails.

I told him today he didn't have to go, it was his home too. that we can live like this and try and do it properly, that he can build his relationship up with his son before he goes if that's what he still wants to do, but I think he still wants to go. its not like we can afford a place each so he'll end up in a horrible little flat somewhere. I really feel for him but what can I do. do I just have to let him do it and see or is there anymore I can do to try and save our relationship.
he is still adamant he doesn't have feelings for anyone else.

[paulywogg]

Hi Spring, sounds like a midlife crisis to me,I think some people get to a certain age and start thinking about the past and how much time they have left etc,plus sounds like depression, there's really nothing much you can do about him,we can't change people unfortunately(trust me there's a few I'd love to change) all you can really do is give him his space and take care of yourself and the kids,yeah they're grown pretty much but still,not the best advice probably but its what I'd do in the situation, I wish you strength through all of this mess and remember to just try and make you the best you that you can

[Byrdlady]

Springstart, first things first....how long since your last drink? Byrdie

[Springstart]

Thanks for the advice Paulywoog.
I had my last drink two weeks ago Byrdlady. I know going through this sometimes makes me want to drink, but I know it doesn't help as I don't trust myself not to show my emotions.
Actually, I used to drink with my husband, but since that's gone I have drank less and less, as well as me knowing its not good for me, its just not fun anyway anymore. I go out to the cinema with my kids, or with friends now and because I drive I don't drink.

[Springstart]

Hi, I just wanted to come on and update my situation. My husband is moving out next Thursday, he's still in the bedroom next door and I can't wait now for him to go. If anyone else is going through a similar thing, I just wanted to say that it does get better and you do stop crying and feeling like the bottoms fallen out of your world.
I'm actually looking forward to a life by myself. I've done nothing but look after him for years and I can now focus on me and my children, now it feels very liberating.
I haven't been completely AF during this process but am getting there and recognise the importance of doing so. I just thought I'd share in case anyone else is going through a separation and needed some support.

[Hanna]

Spring start

Cowboy suggested I check out your thread. My husband of 19 years is leaving me and currently we are in the house together in separate bedrooms. My son is 23 and just starting his own life after graduating college in May. Our situations may be somewhat different but also very much the same. I have recently quit drinking as well. So much to go through emotionally at the same time. If you read my posts over the last couple of months on mr envies nest you can see the evolution of my life recently. Anyway, just thought we may be able to be a support for one another during this trying time.

Beth

[Springstart]

Hi Beth, sorry, only just seen your post. I hope you're ok? yes we could support each other, my husband has now moved out and to be honest since he went 3 weeks ago I've been on and off the wine in an evening which is something I need to move on from too now. I've managed to keep it to just a couple of glasses but I know I need to stop now completely.
How are you getting on, has your husband moved out or is he still in the house?

[MossRose]

Oh dear. I feel for you both so much. Springstart, I don't think we have met yet, and I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances, but nice to see you here. Oh Hanna!! Sending love and hugs to you. I just wanted to drop in and let you know that I truly understand. I hope I can interject a bit of hope into this miserable situation. I know you are both dealing with violent emotions right now. I have been there. It's like someone has put your heart through a blender. But, I am inspired by the strength you are both showing.

I can't speak to either of your situations directly, but I went through a very similar thing. In 2011, my husband decided that he was unhappy, and trapped after 17 years together. We lived together while separated for about a year. It was miserable. I became depressed, clingy, and bitter. He detached. I don't advise it. I was financially trapped and couldn't leave, but if at all possible, physically separate while deciding your next move. It's crucial to your mental health, and you will make better decisions. It will also let your husbands see what life without you would really be like. They may not find it so appealing when they are actually living it. In the meantime, you will continue to get stronger.

My marriage didn't survive, and at the time, I thought my world had come to an end. That's what drove me to MWO. The odd thing is that my life is very happy now. I am certainly not an advocate of divorce. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But, I just want to say that good things may be waiting on the other side if that's how things work out. You are strong, beautiful, wonderful women who deserve the best that life has to offer. I am praying that that things turn out the way you want. But I promise you, no matter what happens, you will be ok. Maybe even better than ok.

I know this advice may sound hollow right now with all you are going through. I couldn't listen to anyone at first. I particularly hated the Pollyannas. who gave me pep talks. I wanted to smack them. So I get it. But I promise, I'm not just blowing rainbows your way. I am telling you the truth. I've been there, and it took some time, but today, life is good.

Wishing you both the very best. xx, Moss

[scottish lass]

Going to join in here - Beth and I have communicated once a while back.
I left my husband 4 years ago before he ran us totally into the ground - we were close to being homeless, and I did lose the house which was in my name as he was self-employed.
We divorced last November after 19years marriage and 26years together. I have a 16yr old and a 14yr old - both girls. I decided to stop drinking after moving out, but it took a couple years to actually stick.
Like MR we lived together while separated and that was terrible - it lasted for 4 months and that was enough - I found myself a rental and moved out of my home. I had a really tough two years, but life is improving now.
I am turning everything around financially, and like MR, I am happy. I am content and getting a bit selfish. I enjoy my own space and not answering to anyone. I do miss having someone to help me with bringing up two teen girls, and the huge decisions - he is very rarely in their lives.
I am also not an advocate of divorce, and this is nothing like how I imagined my life. But I am choosing to look after myself and my girls and make the best of my new life.
I am content and at peace and that is wonderful.
I also wish you both the best, SS and Beth - and happy to support us all too.
Hi Mossy!

[MossRose]

Don't mean to hijack a thread - but SL, so nice to see you!!!

[Springstart]

Hi, thank you so much for your advice, I do agree with you about living together but being separated, we did it for only a couple of months and I could see it was not going to help. In the end I asked him to either come with me to get help to get back together or he had to leave and he left. We re friends still, its hard but I try not to text or see him and have taken him off my facebook. He desperately wants to stay good friends but I can't deal with that.
At the minute I'm just trying to get used to doing things by myself. I'm trying to be positive and focus on the positive things like doing what I want, when I want etc and am just trying to think about what I now want to do in life. I hope you're ok Hanna?
Thank you Mossrose and Scottish lass, I appreciate the advice and its nice to hear other peoples experiences.

[MossRose]

Springstart - if at all possible, try to go No Contact with him. I know there are a million little pieces that need to be worked out, but in my experience - trying to stay friends is a soul killer. You aren't looking for a friend. You want your husband back. So, half way just won't work for you. It will work for him, because he can continue to feel good about himself. It will soothe his soul - if you are still his friend, then he hasn't done anything all that bad, right? I did that - tried to remain friends and swallowed my hurt. But inside, I was dealing with a dark pit of rage, and sorrow. So I drank. A lot.

It's not an authentic life and it will cause you harm. This probably sounds bitter, but I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. It took me years to recover from them. Looking back, I realize I should have handled things differently.

Take very good care of yourself. If you need to talk - I'm a PM away.

xx, Moss

[Eloise]

You know Springstart I do not think you sound bitter. I think you are sensible.
Think of yourself Springstart. Each day sober is another step towards making your own life, go for it!

[Springstart]

thanks MossRose, I see what you're saying and I have been thinking the same thing. My mum tells me exactly the same, but its really hard. I feel torn in two, I really still love him and don't want to hurt him, I know him staying friends is helping him, he keeps telling me how bad he feels, but I know deep down it isn't helping me.
In the beginning I was thinking, let him go and he'll soon realise and want to come back but now I know I couldn't have him back. He's changed and just the fact that he was able to leave after 28 years (of a really good relationship with very little arguing etc) has made me realise that. I am trying to cut the links now, its been a month since he left and I'm weaning him off me and me off him the best I can. A friend told me the same as you. I know the friendship is for him, I wanted a husband but I know hes willing to let go of the relationship bit but I'm just too comfortable for him at the minute and like you say, he has the best of both worlds
like you said you did, I'm drinking too, its not good, I manage to keep away from wine for the beginning of the week, Mon, Tue, Wed, then always start to slip, starting off just a couple of glasses Thursday to total oblivion Saturday. Yesterday I spent the whole day feeling ill, tired, guilty and I've got up again and am really going to try and break that habit this week. I'm going to come on and post each evening to try and keep me sober.
I'm joining the local leisure centre too this week, I'm off for the school holidays till the end of August so instead of trying to wreck my body and mind i'm going to try and restore it to health and well being. thanks for the support, it really does help.

[scottish lass]

I agree with MR and your mother too! I feel that you should worry about not hurting you, and stop worrying about hurting him. You have to put yourself first for a while and once that is straight and you are back to feeling happy and resolved, you can worry about others. I do believe this needs to be a "me first" time.
The more you can concentrate on self care, the stronger you will be and able to face everything.
I did not do this to start, but once I started to care for myself (and my girls) and that was my only priority everything else started to fall into shape..
You are special, you are important, you matter - believe in yourself and care for you - HE is no longer your responsibility, HE made that choice...