I Shake, Therefore I Am

[Tatahi5]

Today is my day one. I am shaking. I feel like I have a rock of dread on my chest. My memory is stating to die...most nights are gone at some point....my time fades into darkness. When I wake I get to hear about what I said or did from friends an loved ones. My children are noticing how I don't remember what they tell me. I feel like I am rotting from the inside out. I asked for help from my sister and two trused aunts but no help came...it was hard enough to ask once...I don't think I have it in me to ask again. I should go to treatment but it is not finantially possible. My parents were drunks and now I am all that I hated in them. I do not want to give this disease to my children. They deserve better. I look in the morrior every morning and I honestly do not know who is staring back at me any more. I know the cycle...I have been living it for nearly 20 years. I drink to not feel...it take all the stress and worries away...it takes the pain away. When I am in The Haze I feel warm and protected from my feelings only to wake up and have everything feel worse. THe anexiety is crushing, deblitating. The shame I wear like a cloke. I hate who I have become. I am cheating on my family...they only get the scrapes of me....only little bits, the left overs. I am underwater. How do I change the only way I have ever known? What are my changces? I have to fight for this. I may not be able to do it for myself at this point but they are worth it. I don't want to die. I don't want to mearly exist. I want to thrive and feel and regain my health. I am scared to death.

[Guitarista]

Hi Tatahi,

What you describe in your post is strikingly similar to where I was very recently, and where many of us here have been at. I am so happy to hear you say you want to regain your health. What are the chances you ask? I believe your chances are excellent if you can push through. What part of the world are you in? I ask because someone might know of affordable or free treatment options.

First thing. Can you see a doctor and work with that doc to get sober safely? Just be careful detoxing on your own as some folk can be at risk of seizure. Can you detox safely with the help of a doc, nurse, hospital, outpatient detox or inpatient detox?

Keep us posted friend, and get yourself to a hospital or doc if you are worried.

Great to see you here wanting to regain your health. You can do this. G

[Tatahi5]

Hi Guit,

thtank you for reposning...I work over nights so I wasn't sure if anyone would hear me at this hour. I am in the Twin Cities in MN. As much as I would like to take a few days of and get a hold on this I think I am just going to power through the shakes...by this time tomorrow I know I will be feeling better...it is the cycle I am all too familiar with. I am more scared of what will happen in 3, 4, 10 days from now when I am feeling good and think "just this one night"....I try to set up rules...only on days I don't work or days the kids are not home or only 1 bottle of wine. I have been drunk for most of the last 20 years. I have waisted so much time. I missed out on so much w/ my family. I am so sorry and so ashamed. I suppose I can find and AA meeting but I leave those often feeling like I don't have a problem. Maybe someone out there knows someone in the North metro area who could help. I am so tired. I don't want to live like this any more.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Hello Tatahi5, I am only a month into my final quit so what you describe is still very fresh and raw for me. I too awoke after yet another appaling drunk binge to realised this couldnt continue, I wasn't living I was a shell of what I should be, a despairing, depressed sick shell of man who was slowly poisoning himself into an early grave, not to mention what I was doing to those around me.
It is true that every journey starts with a single step and I am sure nobody on this site has ever regretted taking that first step, from those of us at the very early stages to the folks here who have years under their belts. I do know how incredibly difficult it is to stop and stay stopped. The little voice that pops into our heads saying one won't hurt lies doesn't it? If we can reach the point of aceptance of where we have found ourselves and the realisation that the option of picking up that first drink is no longer an option for us the healing and our lives can begin again. Believe me when I say it is a different world out there with AL out of the picture.

Keep safe
KTAB

P.S. As Mr G says it can be extremely dangerous to suddenly stop completely without medical supervisio. If you are physically shaking you may need to speak to a professional. Personally I tapered down over a period of days, but guess I was lucky to avoid serious withdrawal.

[treetops]

Welcome Tatahi to MWO. It sounds like you really want to take a long hard break from AL, maybe even quit like so many of us have here. We have different ways we do this - but we all know hard tough it is at the start. We also know that sometimes people stop and start - but we can help you get a decent period of being AF (alcohol free) - because you must do this. Then you can decide what you want to do long term. The old saying one day at a time, one hour at a time - is so true. Dont worry about forever.
It sounds though that you are going through some heavy-duty detoxing and as Mr G said, this can be dangerous for some if unsupervised. I am not an expert on this - but get some help if you need it to quit safely. Here on MWO the Newbies Nest is great for beginners and you can find the link - or someone will post it for you.
Quitting AL and staying sober is a huge step, it takes a lot of guts - but I know its worth it long-term. Life still presents its hassles, we still get anxiety and depression (if we are prone to these) but its all so much more manageable without AL in the mix. Having this on-line support is really wonderful, just to know there are people all over the world in the same plight.
But please be safe and if you need physical support nearby while you detox -find a way to get it. Sorry, I live in New Zealand and can't advise on what is locally available.

[available]

Hi Tat and welcome here.

Oh the memories of not remembering what i had said the night before, the horrendous shakes in the morning where i needed a xanax to just get the day started. This makes me appreciate all the hard work i have done to get sober and stay that way. For me, i had had enough, i was killing myself and i remembered one day that i really wanted to live for my children, i didnt want to live for me but i did for them. And so the battle to regain my life started, one day, one minute, one hour at a time. I stuck like glue to MWO, i posted like a lunatic and i asked for help and received it. From a 20 year drinker, worse in the last ten, two bottles a night, heading to three, now i dont drink. I am an alcoholic and thats okay, my cyber friends are alcoholics also and understand all the battles i went through, they "got" me when no one else did and they still "get" me.

Take the advice of the others on here, you will never ever regret your decision to stop drinking. The dark cloud has been lifted now al is out of my life. This has been one of the hardest journeys I have been on and i have no regrets now, well only one and that is i did not do it sooner.

Take care and let us know how you go.

[Tatahi5]

The shaking is getting a bit better...I have not been able to keep food down yet. Thank you all for taking the time to share your stories and give your support. It really does help to know I am not alone. I just have to make it though the night. I am nervous about not sleeping....it usually takes me about 5-7 days sober before my body remebers how to w/o being passed out. I will lay there and sweat...I will beg sleep to come but it will not. I will stay glued to MWO. I will read and ask for help when I need to

[available]

I always napped when i could Tat, my sleep pattern was horrendous for weeks. i also watched a lot of doco's on youtube on al and read like a lunatic on here as there are some very interesting threads. I accepted that i did this to my body so i had to go through the healing. The newbies nest is a great place to head over to, there is always someone around. i dont have the link, sorry.

[Byrdlady]

Hey Tatahi, I remember you! Head on over to the Newbie's Nest and glue yourself in. If you get activity engaged here and have some accountability with us, we can help! Link to the Tool Box and Nest are in my signature line below. Please try not to let FEAR keep you from doing this. In retrospect, what I should have been fearing is NOT doing it! Welcome aboard! Byrdie

[Eloise]

Welcome backTatahi! Those first weeks are the worst, it sounds like you know the ropes.
Keep in mind it gets better, it really does. Just live for today and hang on tight.

[Pavati]

Hi and welcome back.

I concur with what everyone has said. I also liked a "detox" bath that someone recommended - Epsom salts and lavender bath powder. And a LOT of water.

Hope you feel better soon. Stay close...

Pav

[little beagle]

Guess what? I felt really terrible my first day here. I don't think I had a good night's sleep for about a month. But that was over 2 years ago. And I did it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour, one minute, but I did it by sticking close here. Reading and posting. Following advice given here. There is lots of help here. And we've all been through similar experiences you are going through.

[Tatahi5]

I just want to thank you all again...I am a brand new baby in this (again) but I have more then 24 hrs under my belt...I feel a ton better already....my hands are still shaking a bit but my anexiety is already WAY down. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I am really liking Rational Recovery AVART....it is a new concept to me. I am going to dive into that for a while. I am so scared. Scared to feel, to fail, to scared not to quit and be having to go through this the rest of my life. Nothing else matters right now...just have to stay sober. Get though my day, do what I can (I have to work and take care of the 5 kids & husband) but I will be gentle with myself. I promise. I will be here no matter what. Thank you all....I wish I could thank each one of you personally. It really means the world to know I am not alone. <3

[Pavati]

Fear is what keeps a lot of us drinking. Don't be afraid - it is SO much better over here in soberland. Use us, and go to a more active thread for more regular support if you need it.

We're here for you!

Pav

[Tatahi5]

Hello All,

So some bad and some good....I made it 4 days AF last week. Blew it this weekend but I am back on track today. I found and amazing AA meeting and went with a dear friend of mine who has 5 months under her belt. I got my 24 hr coin I also recived the MWO hypno CDs from a very generous/thoughtful MWO friend. I went straight to Target and got myself a CD player and will start them tonight. I am hopful again....although I came home to a grumpy/angry husband. Whenever he is mad at me my whole world feels off. I was feeling so peacful so ready to kick ass an came home and was "sucker punched". It was the type of trigger for me that would make me drink. I WILL NOT DRINK THOUGH THIS PAIN. I am going to feel this and sit with it and realize it will not kill me. When I can't feel it any more tonight I will go to sleep and try again tomorrow. Drinking will kill me....emotional pain will not. As always I am thankful to have you all and that I am not alone in this fight. <3