I Shake, Therefore I Am

[MinStar]

Tatahi5. Get back on track. Those AF stretched are good. I'm back on D1 again after 4days AF last week and then a week of burying myself in bottles.

I fed up of this cycle. Today I'm reaching out for help. I can't do this on my own. I need to speak to people. Both here and I think real life.

Have you got a plan for the day? I am assuming you're stateside from the timings of your post?

[mama]

Tahiti & MinStar...reading your posts, it seems like I have all of the same thoughts and feelings. I absolutely hate waking up every morning not remembering what I said or did. I have tried to stop so many times. But its seems that the last few months I have gotten much worse. I NEED TO STOP.

I am also back at Day 1. I cannot do it on my own. Let's do this together.

[MinStar]

Hey Mama!
It seems the binges get more and more frequent. I've noticed I have days and weeks of no AL and then fool myself into thinking on day of drinking will be fine. I can't drink one so j end up having the whole bottle of wine. Then fall into a pattern of drinking for days. Until I feel so rancid I stop again. This cycle of on and off has been going on for too long.

I have contacted a support counselling number . My first appointment is this Saturday. It can't come soon enough (like you said Tatah!)

I've spent the day reading and planning. I can't do this on my own I've tried so many times and keep failing. I want this to be a strong quit. I'm normally motivated if I am challenged/have targets. I've been trying to lose some baby weight so if I can do a diet starting after Saturday I think I'll stay strong

I keep looking at my kids and telling myself I hve to sort this out. I'm a highly educated smart woman... Why am I here? Dealing with this sXXT every day. I'm the only one doing this. I thoughtlessly open the bottle and don't give a dam! Reckless!

Admitting to needing help hopefully will flick that switch in my head this time

mama/Tatah have you guys got a plan? X

[All done drinking]

It seems the binges get more and more frequent. I've noticed I have days and weeks of no AL and then fool myself into thinking on day of drinking will be fine. I can't drink one so j end up having the whole bottle of wine. Then fall into a pattern of drinking for days.

Min

When I started reading this post (first paragraph), at first I thought I had written it. So we're very alike in many ways. I noticed that the last couple of months started going in a downward spiral for me. Used to be drinking Fri/Sat only (1-2 glasses only) and bit by bit a 3rd glass would happen on one of those nights, or a 3rd time drinking would happen on one of those weeks. Then I started buying a bottle of wine to only have 1 1/2 or 2 on a week night and would find myself drinking the whole dang bottle. I remember driving to work with a hangover saying "I did it AGAIN...why am I doing this?" yada yada yada. You know the talk. We have a new thread entitled "Dedicated to the quit I love" and I posted something today about research and the commitment to quitting that you may find useful to read. The crazy thing about all of this and our disease is only we can do it when we're really ready and we've really, really, had enough of it. It finally happened to me one day where I got up (VERY hung over) and said...I am All Done Drinking...Yes! So, that's my name. Just call me Addy. *See* you on the boards. I am here a lot as I am working the program to stick to this quit.

Addy :love:
p.s. Tat, sent you a p.m. Read this post backwards. Started at Min's post and didn't see all of your messages until after I replied to her. What I shared with her applies to you as well. Lots of support here. We're all here for you.

[Tatahi5]

MinStar & Mama.... hello dear friends. Sounds like we are all in the same boat. I am here in the states, Minnesota to be exact. I had a good day...I slept which was unusual for me this early on. I felt so good I got up and went for a run (waddle is more like it....it was not pretty) and now I am at work...and it is suprisingly quite (we try not to say the Q word in my line of work).
My husband is wonderful most of the time but he can have "down days"...yesterday when I got home all happy after my meeting he was sooooo mad because my son (his step) forgot to clean the litter box....and I can't smell anything for the life of me so I failed to do it too. Somedays, a few days a week, he can be so edgy and gets mad so easily. It just takes the wind out of me...but you know what happened today? He went to work, I did my thing and I let him be...(normally we talk/text every day even on days we don't see each other)....and you know what? It felt OK. I was not in peices. I was a bit off but not scared. If I was hungover...I would have been anexious X10.

My plan is to hit this stupid disease in every way I can. I got the hypnosis CD's from a very generous MWO friend. I ordered Kudzu and L-Glut. I am going to eat well an read everything I can get my hands on (just got a book called Blackout that I am excited about...heard the author on NPR and she really grabbed my attention). I have just started taining for a 10K. I found an amazing woman's AA meeting...it is a bit of a drive so I will have to find another closer too. I have been in contact w/ a dear friend of mine who will be an amazing support. My husband said he would not drink as well....I honestly don't care if he has a beer when I am not home...I just can't have it in front of me for a while. And lastly, I will be checking in here every day. I am ready for a new more gentle way of living. I don't want to waste another day.

Addy, MinStar, Mamma....I am here for you guys if you ever need anything. We can do this. We just have to get over the hump.

[MinStar]

Morning Addy, Tat and Mama

Addy- you're right- soen where in my brain I'm not done drinking. Just saying I can't drink/have to quit sends me into a spiral. I just have to keep trying to hit the right switch. I'm reading and posting on her as much as I can to get over the hump. One removing alcohol from the house- not too bothered on beer or whiskey hubby has. Though I hve been known to have it in the last. Generally if the bottle isn't open (and they're not) I don't go to it.

Mama- let me know about the hypnosis Cd's. I am going to look up some LGlut today too. What's the Kudzu for? Cravings too? Yesterday I started up vitamins and ate well. But did have wine. I just had these anxious moments starved off the craving/thoughts until 7pm but had a few sips- this turned into the bottle by 9.30pm. Crashed as I was so tired from being up early! I've slept pretty well for having a (10m) baby and compared to the night before.

So here I start again- did find a place in Harley Street which has a fantastic review for quitting the cravings for like £1k 3 Sessions Stopalcohol.co.uk. Seriously considering it. It uses some sort of acupuncture points and electric currents. ?!?? Will research it more. Also my acupuncturist for pregnancy may be able to help- I will contact them.

Coupled with the counsellor and vits/etc I think I am 'tooled' up

Addy- thanks for the new thread link. I'm going across to see it now!

Well done stat- on staying AF. Handling the husband scenario without a hangover and seeing a good result! Stick close and read. I know the time difference makes talking harder but happy to connect when Minnesotians are up. Do you work all day?

[mama]

Good Morning all,

It is 8am here in NJ. And I am excited to say that I was able to sleep all the way through the night. And I woke up with a clear head, no guilt and no worries about what I may have forgotten about last night. It is a GREAT FEELING.

I plan to check back here very often during the day. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

Now on to DAY 2!!!

[MinStar]

Good morning Mama!

Look at you! Fantastic work. day one done. Keep thinking back to how good you feel. It's a strong feeling. Have a great day. I'm here if you need x

[All done drinking]

Morning Tat, MinStar, Mama and everyone else.

Was reading an AA quote from a book entitled "Sober for Good". The AA quote is "Seek progress, not perfection". So for those of you not ready to say "I'm all done drinking" like me, haha, just remember that as you are aware of your problem, trying to cut down on your drinking, etc. you ARE getting somewhere each day, and not just with your drinking but with other aspects of your life. For me right now, after many, many years of trying to control my drinking, worrying about my drinking, etc. I am putting my sobriety first knowing that eventually life will move on and it won't need to be my priority forever.

I am seeing some changes I need to make right now though to keep my sobriety first and that is to not have wine in the house, the relationship with a very good friend where the only common denominator we have is drinking wine is on the back burner, and am open and looking for whatever support I can get, whether here, pm's from folks here, or finding a good meeting that works. There are other groups other than AA that help people so am open to any suggestions.

Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!) :love:

[Tatahi5]

Hey All!

MinStar I am very interested in hear more about those alternative approaches... sounds like you are across the pond? I just started the hypno CD's and hopefully I will get the L-Glut & the Kudzu tomorrow...I will update everyone on how I feel in about a week. I am also listening to 2 different weight loss hypno CDs...I have a stressful, sedintary job...add a complex family and pour some booze on that and I have managed to add about 35lbs onto my frame in the last 2 years. And Min...most MNs don't keep my hours I workk 2100-0700...4 days on 4off, 4 on 3off (don't try and keep up or I will try to tell you that my oldest step sone is the oldest of 8 kids, 4 moms, 3 dads) How do I find a way to drink? Oh...I had no problem saying that 7 am was my 7pm...make dinner watch a movie, get drunk whlie the family eats breakfast...mother of the year I know.

All Done ~ your porcess sounds so familiar. At some point while we are sick don't we all believe we can out manover this disease...we can negotiate and pormise our way into being normal drinkers? Maybe that is why we can feel so close to strangers because no matter what our story our stories are the sae in some way. Our pain, or struggle, our darkness, our hope, our plan, our healing...it is a collective feeling. So even though this disease is so isolating...when the darkenss sucks you in and you feel all alone and cold and hopless...we can be with each other, even though we may be half a world away, we don't feel so alone any more.

I wonder how we can find other groups othere then AA? AA is not my cup of tea but I will check in when I am in a pintch...I did find an awesome group last week. At one point I looked into a group called Women for Sobriety but I am not sure there are any active groups. Ideas anyone?