Get out of my face! (A warning)

[tipsynomore]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Beatle,
Congratulations on three weeks!!! I'm so proud of you. This thread really hit home because I haven't told a soul - not even my husband who's been away on a business trip so doesn't know I'm doing this. I'm afraid that my family, including him, will do the same thing and it's got to make it harder. Not only have you had to deal with your own thoughts and emotions while going AF, you've had the added stress of what they're all thinking and doing. You should be so proud of yourself for succeeding despite their 'well intentioned comments'. I think I'm going to keep quiet for now...
I also agree with Imatree about the notion that there's no such thing as moderation for people who have had a drink problem - once an alchy, always an alchy, right? huh.
Have you tried telling them, in a subtle and nice way of course, that there inquiries about your progress actually make it harder for you and are pissing you off and that you just want to be treated like a regular person not someone with an affliction. Maybe you could try thanking them for their concern but letting them know that if you need help or reassurance, you'll ask them for it.

[adagirl]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Thanks for the warning. You may have saved me. I tend to over-share and after one week on this program, I feel so good that I was thinking about sharing it w/a friend I am seeing this weekend. But, part of me was also thinking maybe that's not such a good idea. And, you confirmed it for me. My DH knows and he is really the only person who needs to know.

[SKendall]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Knowledge is power and in the wrong hands it is misused. Like Ducky said it's human nature for people feel powerful when others are struggling with addictions.

[Breez]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Congrats beatle!

My "outing" was done 5 yrs ago by my hubby to his mom out of frustration one night. The MIL decided it was her business to tell hubby's side of the family I had an alcohol problem. Yup, as fresh as the news was out, there was a family function where I sat in a room with all these people. Talk about sitting next to the elephant in the room. The "how are you?". Ugh I wanted to hit each of them.

Hubby wishes he had not said anything as this situation caused me in the past to drink before attending social functions with these people. I had that "alcoholic" label. These people had alcoholism in their family & have that AA attitude, tunnel vision towards it.

One thing stands out in my mind. Last Christmas at my sister-in-law's, I was talking to an aunt & my SIL quietly says to the aunt (right in front of me) -mind you, whispers enough for me to hear, "can I get you some wine?". Hello! I can hear you & just because I have an alcohol problem you don't have to whisper the word WINE! Idiot. Didn't even ask if I wanted anything "non-alcoholic" to drink. Talk about awkward.

[Change]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I've been on the other side, and i am sure they mean well, but it is annoying nevertheless to be asked questions by your family. This is why i try not to tell mine anything and when i do, i swear that certain family member to secrecy (the volume of questions they ask are actually more annoying than if i had have just told everyone in the first place, lol).

In my experience, when people get a new tidbit of information, they do it to death, but they usually get sick of it when they find some other bit of information to concentrate on.

[Saint Jude]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Well, Lord help ya... if you've ever had a DUI or been in re-hab. Because no matter how much the rest of your Family drinks.... "they're" NOT THAT BAD" and they'll always be watching you!

You can be working a great program, moderating, having AF days, listening to the Cd's, etc...but once your labeled by your family...You can have a whole friggin tribe of elephants in the living room... but all they notice is YOU! :welcome:to the family dynamic BS!! (hope you've got a great sense of humor!)


Sometimes ya just gotta smile & walk away..

Example on General discussion, pg 3 "if the shoe fits"

[Popeye]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I've only been AF for two months, yet I've had so many drunk people ask me why I'm not drinking.
Sometimes I feel like just telling them to work it out for themselves......tomorrow.
I know I'm doing the right thing.

Jude...so funny, yet so true.

[nattie]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Hi Beatle
I can really relate to your thread - I too embrased everything about an Af life when I first when to couselling, they told me to. I told the people at work & for a while things were fine. Little did I know when I moved to another department that hired sharks how wrong I could be. I spent 5 years sitting at my desk scared rigid I would be "outed" infront of these poeple who would take the pis$ out of the slightest thing. I ended up giving in my notice with no job to go to.........I had had enough stress trying to keep it together.
My family know my problem & when mum comes to visit i can see her trying to sidle up & smell my breath. I feel like public property, something for everyone to come & watch.
Anyhow, I haven't answered your problem but I can really relate - let me know if you find any tips for nosey /concerned relatives.

much love
Nattie
x

[beatle]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Ah Nattie, you hit the nail on the nose. That's what I feel like-- public property. I know everyone is talking about me expressing their opinion on how to help me get well. They even say so. I hear things like, "Well X and I were dicussing your problem the other night and the best way for you to get well..." -- I am a very private person and I think I am a strong person who likes to solve my own problems. I have overcome many obstacles in my life, by myself, thank you (although this is definitely the hardest challenge so far). I HATE to think about all these people discussing me like I am a child with a learning disability or a delinquent teenager, rather than an accomplished adult, and one who knows WAY more about this than they do (or ever will). I should have known better than to tell them all. I really wonder if I can ever live it down. But I know I have to look forward and not dwell on my mistakes.

(btw, I told my best friend/life partner about my problem much earlier on and I don't regret it a bit. That's the only person who understands me and has given me support while letting me deal with it in my own way.)

[nattie]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

well done Beatle, for telling your partner. Mine would like to think otherwise, I type in secret as we speak
Just think of it as a "no-nail biting" excercise, we wouldn't let people know our wheres / why abouts unless we felt guilty, and thats what we do - remove that & our problem is our own.....do deal with as we can. I now brush off peoples questions about my drinking, I find it rude sometimes, even though I know they are concerned.
x

[Change]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Popeye;146969 wrote: I've only been AF for two months, yet I've had so many drunk people ask me why I'm not drinking.
Sometimes I feel like just telling them to work it out for themselves......tomorrow.
I know I'm doing the right thing.

Jude...so funny, yet so true.

Haha, yeah, good one. I like that!

Just in relation to the original topic, i don't think you have to disclose to anyone. I have given this a lot of thought. It is your life.

However, i suppose some people disclose to others because they feel they need the support, or maybe as a course of honesty. Well, i don't think you have to be honest if you don't want to be and it's a pity that some people have experienced negative fallout from people who supposedly care or who really do care.

In relation to people who haven't told other people, who feel they need to, or who are contemplating doing so, here are a few ideas i have (take it or leave it):

1. If you really do feel like you have to tell someone, for self-preservation sake, write it off as an overall 'detox' rather than just an alcohol detox. For some reason some people are more comfortable with that. Most people just do not get it (the whole alcohol thing). If you are offered a drink or somebody wants to go out for dinner and you do not feel strong enough, say something like "i'm going through a bit of detox at the moment, you know... giving the old body a rest" and sort of end it with a smile. That way, you are removing the stigma of alcohol related diseases and giving yourself a chance to recover at your own pace.

Other excuses:

1. Somebody invites you out for dinner, you don't want to go due to reasons of temptation: "i am trying to save money at the moment, do you mind if we postpone it for a few weeks?", or "it is an off-pay week, do you mind if we postpone it for a few weeks", and that way you can get stronger and call the shots when you're ready.

2. You could also say, "i'm having a break from alc"... and deal with it this way. That way, you are not offending those who still choose to drink, but you are making your intentions clear.

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and handle it at your own pace. You do not have to disclose to anybody, but it is your right to do so if you choose.

The other thing is, ultimately, we have to deal with this ourselves and get stronger ourselves and sometimes this involves a bit of initiative from ourselves. Not everybody is going to support us in the ways that we think they will, it is just a fact of life.

If i think of anything else, i will post.

Stay good!

[beatle]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Change, thoes are great ideas. Actually, I have, throughout my struggle, many times had to excuse myslef during dry periods-- attempts at total AF that always failed after a few days to a max of a couple months.

Another great one to add to your list:

Offer to be the designated driver when you are going out-- that makes not drinking easy and gives yourself an excuse. PLUS everyone is so thankful to you for doing it. (It's a win-win-win situation ha ha).

--Say you have been feeling like you're coming down with something and feel like you'd better not drink.

Yes, I have have developed many good excuses, and wish I'd just kept using them. But the thing is, I was really living a lie, because my friends and family all realized something was wrong (I was often sick or extremely fatigued during drinking periods), but they didn't know what it was. So the excuses really developed into big lies that got bigger and bigger and more and more complex, and finally I felt I had to just come out with it because I was so tired of lying to those I loved and felt that horrible guilt added to the horrible guilt of my alcohol problem. Of course, most of them were shocked and many are still angry at me for lying to them for so long. Even those that are not angry feel like they've been deceived, but they are willing to forgive (although there are hints that they will never be able to trust me again-- this attitude hurst me the most.)

Now, let's look at would have happened if I had kept my mouth shut and continued to work on getting better myself (and I was definitely making progress, having been AF more and more and for longer and longer periods):

I believe I would have eventually accomplished the goal of being AF all or most of the time. And then the lies would have stopped. No-one would be the worse off for it and I would have the old life back that I worked so hard to accomplish. Instead, now everyone knows and it makes this so much harder and more painful than it already was.

Anyway, that's what I have to deal with now. Someone gave the good advice to remember this struggle is about me, not about other people, and that's where I have to keep my focus. I just hope I can mend the damage later, when I feel more confident about myself.

Thanks everyone for all your all your support and advice. I feel like this community has been the missing link in my strategy to succeed in making an AF life -- and I feel more confident than ever that I can succeed.

[Change]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

If you really want to give up, you will. Just remember those hangovers.

I like the excuse about coming down with something, i think i might use it!

Another one (due to an uncle who had a diabetes scare): diabetes scare.

I am thinking about who i am going to tell and why... Different levels of information for different people.

But thanks for the heads-up about telling people, it has certainly made me think 3 times before i do.

Hopefully your loved ones will get sick of asking you questions. And as somebody just here said, you are doing this for you, so try to block out their words.

[eyesontheprize]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Sorry they're giving you grief. Maybe some of them wish they could do it too? I just hope you keep doing what you're doing. It's a HUGE achievement, I'm only on Day 1, so will learn from you and not tell anyone. YOU'VE DONE SO WELL don't let'em get you. Keep going. Wishing you well xx