Stuck and struggling

[idefineme]

it's been a while since I've been here. You know, I want to quit drinking because I know it's bad for me, given how much and how often I drink. But I DON'T want to quit drinking because I've come to rely on it, it helps me relax and probably escape my loneliness. I asked my doctor to subscribe antabuse, which he did. I haven't taken it yet because after reading the side-effects, well, it kind of scares me. Like, you could DIE from the shit! I don't know. I just REALLY struggle with knowing I should stop and not wanting to. It's really become a crutch, and honestly thinking about never drinking again just takes any desire to stop away. I'm just really stuck and struggling. How to take the proverbial first step? I'm afraid this is going to take somebody who really hears my inner struggle. Open for some deep-seated advice. Thanks in advance..

[available]

Hi define. I could not have described to you any better how Molly said life is amazing now. I didnt want to give up drinking, i just could not even think about what i would do with my time. I didnt think i was that bad and i thought i could surely get it together enough to really put an effort in to control it, if i wanted to that is. The thought of never ever drinking again was too terrifying to contemplate UNTIL my body started telling me that it was fine to drink but the bleeding gums, the sores that would not heal, the anxiety, the shakes when i woke up, the blackouts and the total need to drink each and every day made me think that maybe i had a slight problem. Oh the losing the children by them backing away had me thinking also i had a slight problem. Thats when i started hiding it, putting water in bottles of wine in the fridge so no one would think i had drank them, hiding bottles in my room so i had enough as we always get anxious when we dont think we will have enough! I stopped going out as i had to control my drinking and i hated that as i deserved a damn drink. Then like Molls, i looked in the mirror one day and wondered who that sad lonely woman was and i knew i could either die or live. God i didnt want to stop, al was my best friend in the world and i didnt think i could do it. I could not top long enough to get a blood test, i didnt want the dr to think i had a drinking problem. Coming on here helped me stop, the support of my cyber friends was amazing, always someone around when i craved a drink. I got my children on board as my support and their faith, which was total zero at first, helped me amazingly when i started to show i was serious. I asked for help and i listened and i learnt to deal with life which i had not dealt with in years and years. Today i am a totally different person, I love waking up, i still hate work, i deal with shite that is thrown at me and i so dont want to drink ever again and i hope never to again. Its a day by day lifestyle not drinking. My brother died of alcoholism and even then i never thought it would happen to me as i was "not that bad". Yes i was in my own way and i am totally glad to be alive now and i am sure he would be very proud of his sister if he was alive today. He had so much to live for an al took every bit off him as it does to so many.

Sorry for the waffle but we know on this site that if we can share our story and help one person then its a happy day.

Take care and its doable.

[Guitarista]

it's been a while since I've been here. You know, I want to quit drinking because I know it's bad for me, given how much and how often I drink. But I DON'T want to quit drinking because I've come to rely on it, it helps me relax and probably escape my loneliness. I asked my doctor to subscribe antabuse, which he did. I haven't taken it yet because after reading the side-effects, well, it kind of scares me. Like, you could DIE from the shit! I don't know. I just REALLY struggle with knowing I should stop and not wanting to. It's really become a crutch, and honestly thinking about never drinking again just takes any desire to stop away. I'm just really stuck and struggling. How to take the proverbial first step? I'm afraid this is going to take somebody who really hears my inner struggle. Open for some deep-seated advice. Thanks in advance..

Welcome back I define me. Looks like there is a glimmer of hope inside you because you have come to a forum stating your case and reaching out. So you have a small pilot light flickering away there somewhere deep within you. Grab onto this little beacon of hope with both hands and carefully, gently nurture it.

I am only 61 days booze free, so I'm not one to give advice, but I can share some of my odyssey. The only way out of the abyss for me was to ask myself what I really truly wanted. What's my damn purpose here? What do I want for my life. If I didn't have an answer I would dig deeper until I found something. Maybe a dream I had as a kid, or adult. What would I be doing right now if I could wave a magic wand. Would I be drinking as per usual? If the answer is yes, then I would disappear and do that. If it is no, I would really prefer to be travelling the world with my band, then I would go for this. And this is what I have chosen. But how do I get there and make it happen? For me, first things first. Ditch the booze G man any way you safely can and maintain sobriety through a simple no frills daily action plan I can handle in my damaged state. Then:

For me it's about keeping that flame flickering. I must have hope. I must see a future for myself. But how? Back to the big basic questions. What do I want out of my life? Where do I want to be? Can't find or re-ignite that dream? Go to the next one. Can't find one? Then the next best dream. Nothing? Ok, then the next best dream etc. Keep digging for that buried treasure that is the real you because your flame is still alight within you.

REASONS: What are my reasons for getting sober?

PURPOSE: What's my purpose? Here on the planet, and what's my purpose for getting sober?

ACTION: What do I do to get where I want to get to? First step. Second step. What do I need to do next? Doc/GP? Ring a friend?

Take care of yourself and keep us posted will you? G

[lizker]

it's been a while since I've been here. You know, I want to quit drinking because I know it's bad for me, given how much and how often I drink. But I DON'T want to quit drinking because I've come to rely on it, it helps me relax and probably escape my loneliness. I asked my doctor to subscribe antabuse, which he did. I haven't taken it yet because after reading the side-effects, well, it kind of scares me. Like, you could DIE from the shit! I don't know. I just REALLY struggle with knowing I should stop and not wanting to. It's really become a crutch, and honestly thinking about never drinking again just takes any desire to stop away. I'm just really stuck and struggling. How to take the proverbial first step? I'm afraid this is going to take somebody who really hears my inner struggle. Open for some deep-seated advice. Thanks in advance..

Hi and welcome. I don't think you would find anyone here or anywhere who wanted to stop drinking but could imagine themselves never drinking in the beginning That's the most powerful stronghold alcohol has. Once you overcome that lie, you will start to see real change. It will not be over night. Set baby goals like your first full 18 hrs, then 24 hours, then a few days. I do know that there will come apoint when you really want it...sobriety...Once you get to that point, your work will become sooo much easier. I drank everyday for 10 years. I remember one time I didn't have money for booze and my pay check was posting at midnight...I stayed up till midnight and took cab to a bar so I could have my fix. I just couldn't think that I can go a day without alcohol. If I can do it, anyone, I mean anyone can

[Byrdlady]

it's been a while since I've been here. You know, I want to quit drinking because I know it's bad for me, given how much and how often I drink. But I DON'T want to quit drinking because I've come to rely on it, it helps me relax and probably escape my loneliness. I asked my doctor to subscribe antabuse, which he did. I haven't taken it yet because after reading the side-effects, well, it kind of scares me. Like, you could DIE from the shit! I don't know. I just REALLY struggle with knowing I should stop and not wanting to. It's really become a crutch, and honestly thinking about never drinking again just takes any desire to stop away. I'm just really stuck and struggling. How to take the proverbial first step? I'm afraid this is going to take somebody who really hears my inner struggle. Open for some deep-seated advice. Thanks in advance..

Welcome back. I took a quick glance at your previous posts to get a gauge of where you are. You came in on 6/28/15. You were in the very same place....realizing you SHOULD stop and not accepting it. You were given some sound advice by folks who have walked in your shoes....every single one of us came to this site hoping we could continue drinking in a controlled fashion. We ALL sympathize with how you feel. None of us WANTED to give up our best friend (and crutch). What I have observed and lived is that 'you can't always get what you want' (In the famous words of Mick!) I would dare to say that all of us who have responded to you have tried to undo the part of us that wants to abuse alcohol. We tried the weekend rules and the 'no more than' rule. We tried the special occasion rule. We have tried just about every trick you can imagine to fit this square peg in the round hole and there seems to be only one solution that works. You can fight the data and lose another 4 months trying to disprove it. In my case, I wasted a year, nearly lost my husband, home and dignity. I tried to prove all of these people wrong. The person who was wrong was me.

The beauty of this site, like any other online forum, is that maybe...just maybe, we don't have to learn everything the hard way. Perhaps we can learn by others who have walked ahead of us. What we have learned is that the best way to beat this problem is to eliminate the cause. Isn't that always the way! Sounds simple. It isn't. Addiction is very complex. There is stuff going on in our brains that no amount of will power can undo, even after years of abstinence, we pick up right where we left off. Ours is a progressive disease....it doesn't get better by itself, but it can sure get worse. I imagine that your situation has not improved since June 28. If you are like us, it likely has gotten worse.

If you really took the time to dive into this site, you would see amazing things. With 7-8 years of history here, we have the ability to see our past/present/future. Most of us here are more alike than different (in spite of our protests that our use of AL is different). You can take a person's history and follow him/her over time. The ones who continue to clutch AL in a death grip are the ones still struggling today. The ones who have quit and intend to stay quit, are thriving. There are two types of people who participate on our forum....those that struggle with AL, and those who don't.

I think you know what you SHOULD do. Accepting it is the hard part. Lavender Blue wrote a beautiful piece in the Newbie's Nest the other day:
"If I'm an alcoholic I definitely shouldn't have even one drink, everyone knows that! If I'm not an alcoholic...I should have no trouble abstaining since it's healthier and I've decided that's my goal, right? If I don't have a problem then I shouldn't feel like I 'need' it."

So why don't you give it 30 days and see how it goes? If you sail thru it and have no issues, by golly, you very well may be one of the folks who just needed a break. But if you struggle and look at your watch and walk from window to window and wonder how you are ever going to get thru this day without something to take the edge off, then pull up a chair....you might be one of us. Being an alcoholic in remission is not the worst thing! Being one who isn't, is!

Byrdie

[idefineme]

I want to thank each of you for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate your experiences, insight and encouragement. It means so much!

yes, it is difficult to imagine life without booze. And I totally agree with you that most, and probably all, of the struggle is in my head. you say the beginning especially is tricky, and I'm concerned about that. I'm concerned that I'll get bored enough to just say "fuck it" and run off to the liquor store ... i've certainly done that countless times. So I need to figure out how to keep myself occupied especially during the beginning.

Guitarista, I love your pilot light analogy, because it helps me understand that I DO have a flicker of desire to do what's right for me. I will need to remind myself frequently to keep hold of that light no matter how small it may be, because it's that very hope that will carry me through, especially at the beginning. If it's okay with you, I may print this bit out as a constant reminder to myself, because I KNOW i'm going to need constant reminders "Looks like there is a glimmer of hope inside you because you have come to a forum stating your case and reaching out. So you have a small pilot light flickering away there somewhere deep within you. Grab onto this little beacon of hope with both hands and carefully, gently nurture it .... For me it's about keeping that flame flickering. I must have hope. I must see a future for myself. But how? Back to the big basic questions. What do I want out of my life? Where do I want to be? Can't find or re-ignite that dream? Go to the next one. Can't find one? Then the next best dream. Nothing? Ok, then the next best dream etc. Keep digging for that buried treasure that is the real you because your flame is still alight within you."

Lizker, thanks for confirming that it's not going to be an over-night change, and to keep my steps and goals small ... reachable. I know I tend to think either all or none, and that if i stumble then I have totally failed. And I honestly think that is one reason why I've put off being serious about stopping drinking, because I am afraid I will fail, and if I fail then I am a failure. I know in my heart that's not true, but that's what my mind tries to convince me of.

And Byrdlady, thanks for the dose of reality. I AM in the same spot I was 4 months ago, and it's been a LOT longer than that, even! I'll shoot for the 30 days starting today. There's no booze in the house and I'm ready to step up.

Thanks again, mollyka, available, Guitarista, lizker and Byrdlady. I truly do appreciate and value all of your responses and input. Expect to see me around, because I'm going to need all the help I can get.

[Byrdlady]

For a lot of years, I let FEAR define me. I believe that regret of the past and fear of the future are the twin thieves of today! I tell you, the THOUGHT of never drinking again is much worse than the reality of it! I know that sounds crazy, but Im 1000 times happier now than I ever was as a heavy drinker. Around here, we take it in small chunks, if we made it the last 15 minutes we can make it thru the next.
Success is nothing more than a collection of failures! We all know what DOESN'T work! I was scared of the same thing, how can I possibly make THIS quit stick when the previous ones didn't? The difference this time was a change of mindset. I took the choice off the table. I HAD to find other ways to cope, and it is a real learning experience. I could not have done it alone. MWO has been a lifesaver to me. I am living proof that even the worst drunk cam find sobriety.
I believe in you.
Byrdie

[All done drinking]

Wow, idefineme, you have gotten such words of wisdom, I'm not sure what to add. What Guitarista said was well, ... simply beautiful. Byrdie always has such good advice and lots of AF experience to back it up. I am celebrating 100 days AF today and believe me, I struggled for YEARS not to do it because I feared the dreaded thought of "never having a drink again" as well. We all do. But it is true. When we take it one step at a time, one day at a time, the days start racking up before we know it. When we have days where we struggle, we come here and share that struggle with others who build us up...and bit by bit, day by day, we add another day to Newbie's Nest Roll Call. Come join us over there. Tack on your day 1, and 2, and so on.

Welcome to MWO. We're glad you found us. :heartbeat:

Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!)

[idefineme]

Byrdie, thanks for saying you believe in me. I need that kind of encouragement and it helps me to maybe start having a little faith in myself.
Addy, I'm glad I found this place, too. Thanks for the warm welcome

I've got an hour and 45 minutes before the liquor stores close, but I'm sticking here and gonna do some reading instead. I don't want to blow day one.

I really do appreciate all your support :heartbeat:

[available]

Define great work on no al in the house, that is the first must, ban it if possible in the first few weeks. i went on youtube and watched doco's on alcoholics, a real eye opener and admitting to myself also that i was that bad. posting on here like a lunatic just for some interaction helped me also, knowing i was not alone when those thoughts came and there was someone sensibler than my al brain.

You have day 1 nailed and day 2 will be proud day to wake up sober.

[Byrdlady]

Well done on Day 2! I just saw you on roll call and was thrilled to see you have started posting there! As you can see, we have some amazing numbers over there. Truth is, every single day we can put between us and booze is a major win! Great job! Rinse and repeat! Hugs, Byrdie

[All done drinking]

For me the trick was coming here DAILY when brand new to my quit, and good for you for going to the roll call. It is kind of like the book "Write it down, make it happen". When we put it in writing, we are reinforcing our belief that that is what we want. I try to post daily (other than if out of country or something makes computer time difficult) and I really find it helps me stay accountable. I REALLY, REALLY want to come back and tack on another day. I feel it would be too easy to say, "Oh what the heck" and relapse if I wasn't being that accountable to come here and post.

Hang with us - we'll pull each other up!

Addy~

[idefineme]

I fell off last night, and today was day 1 again. I don't know why I thought I needed to do that, but I did. I need your help, guys. Can I lean on you?

g'night.

[Quit wining]

Of course you can lean on your MWO friends, that's what we do for each other and part of why we're here.

Have you checked in with the Nest today? As you know, there's lots of experience and wisdom there plus tons of support.

What do you think was the trigger last night?

[lizker]

Day 1 is better than day 0. Most of us have fallen many times. We jus keep getting up. Just don't give up. Soon or later something will click. A relapse can be a learning opportunity of what your weakness are, places, events, situations, people etc to avoid for several weeks in the beginning of your recovery.