Tomorrow is day 1

[lex]

Matthew6- You hanging in there for day 3? Keep us posted! Lex

[Matthew6]

Yes! Amazing things happening the last 2 days. Went to church this morning and getting ready to go to an AA meeting. Has been very eye opening. I suddenly realize why she always said stopping drinking was not enough, I need to fix myself spirituality. ..and I may have found my path. Found a quote that says something like :you don't need help with drinking you need help with sobriety. More later!

[Byrdlady]

This really IS a journey of self discovery! Great job on Day 3, you are operating under your own power now, all the AL is out of your system. Looking forward to hearing how your day went! Hugs, Byrdie

[lex]

Matthew-

So glad to hear it! I've learned a lot in my seven months of sobriety. Some of it took several months to finally sink in. It's all about living the right way- that's what makes you happy and content, with no desire to drink. Who would have figured?

Keep it up! I'm sure there is plenty more for you and I, and everyone like us, to learn.

Lex

[lizker]

Yes! Amazing things happening the last 2 days. Went to church this morning and getting ready to go to an AA meeting. Has been very eye opening. I suddenly realize why she always said stopping drinking was not enough, I need to fix myself spirituality. ..and I may have found my path. Found a quote that says something like :you don't need help with drinking you need help with sobriety. More later!

Great approach! Alcoholism is strongly tied to spiritual brokenness. Mind, body and spirit. I always start my day with a prayer. Something very powerful happens when you get on your knees first thing in the morning and pour your heart out to God and ask for protection.

[Matthew6]

Momentum is building thanks to you guys! I was damn near suicidal when I signed onto this site and you all gave me support I no longer could find. Your encouragement caused me to dig deep. So Friday I barely crawled from bed after my usual 5th of bourbon nightcap and made it to work with about the worst self-loathing hangover ever. Felt awful about my situation and left work to find a AA meeting. When I got there I was warmly welcomed and that somehow made me feel worse. Didn't/couldn't really talk to anyone because as soon as I tried to open my mouth I could feel I was ready for an emotional breakdown.

Well the meeting starts and I have no idea what to expect. They go through the opening and all then announced the topic. FEAR. Up until now I didn't have fear....or bourbon told me so, and thought this is a waste of time. I was surprised what I could identify with. I do have fear. Meeting over now what, now I feel worse cause I have fear.

Well drive around for awhile, just thinking, also wishing I had someone to talk to or somewhere to go in my highly emotional state. Drove by some churches hoping for a quiet place to sit or maybe even talk to a pastor but none are open around here evidently. Then I thought about this church where my daughter plays soccer. It's way out in the country so I figured I would just go sit in the parking lot and cry,scream or whatever an emotional breakdown entails. I got there and there was a car in the lot. So very out of character for me (as my whole day had been) I got out of the car and knocked. An elderly white haired lady comes to the door and asked " can i help you " through a speaker and looked concerned this strange man was there. I said "no Ma'am didn't mean to bother you" and turned to go and she opened the door and said "sir are you OK". I turned to her and said "I'm a mess" and started loosing it. She then asked if I would like to talk about it, and I accepted because I just didn't know what else to do.

I spilled it all and she was very empathetic. She listened, consoled, told of some of her hardships. She got me calmed down and says I don't know your name nor you mine but if you need me just stop by or call and ask for the white haired lady they'll know who it is, and I left.

Deep breath,some relief. OK, what now. So I got in my car and left and went back to my apartment and looked in my AA book for another meeting. Well I posted my run around and experience on the rest of that night in this thread earlier.

Get to meeting on the next morning and the topic is resentment. Hmmm, I didn't have resentment. Well just like fear, bourbon hides that too. Very enlightening. Oddly feeling ( a little) better, off to another meeting an hour later. Turned out to be an open discussion, less structured meeting, enjoyed it to, learning alot about this higher power.

Ok, 7 hours before another one....what to do now. Decide I should eat and go by the house get my Bible and Big Book. Start reading the book of John as the "lady with white hair" said that may explain some about a/the Higherpower.

Went to next meeting, and there were 4 people and me (all other meetings were 15 to 25 people) when I realized what a book discussion meeting is. Oh shit the 10th Tradition, hell I just admitted to the 1st step!!! They assured me it was more than ok and hangout, so i did. I found that AA isn't like car repairs, there isn't a required order to get things done. They got done a little early (experienced recovered alcoholics) and suggest we should just read this 1st Step. Well I know the 1st step. Then they hand out this book and the 1st step is 4 pages long!!!!! I thought it was one sentence. As we take turns reading I realized how long I've had this problem. Up until now I always admitted I was powerless over alcohol, but I was (in my bourborn soaked mind) in full control of my life. This is a whole new perspective on things, uh-o! Back to apartment to read and pray.

Now I have all these new experiences to think and pray about. Find out about alcoholics and manipulating people and also how alcohol manipulates the alcoholics and realize I left trying to manipulate her into begging me back to our status quo. So i go to bed feeling real bad again. I pray.....and mean it. Wake up and I have this sense of calm. Thinking back to all I've mentioned here I start realizing all those things were clues from My Higherpower! Yesterday I planned my day for the church my new neighbors recommended and a meeting. I absolutely loved this church which is a surprise because I'm usually not comfortable at any church (more on that later....this post is really long, sorry). But another clue.

Go to apartment and wait for wife and baby to come home from church and her al-anon. When I go pick the baby up, I admit to wife I left to manipulate her to begging me back and she kissed me and hugged me and smiled and said "I know, but the alcohol was manipulating you". 4 years of al-anon, she's got my number.

We agree as I work to heal myself, it will work out for us. We also agree my growth and spiritual awaking is better off with me in the apartment for awhile and why we go through counseling, you know like neutral corners in the ring. This experience has given me a lot of "me time" to think. The change of routine is good the too. I was always busy with work,kids,yard and booze and really don't know who I am or what I want. I need to read and study these programs and this disease. It is a disease, for years I manipulated her (before al-anon) thinking it wasn't and I was in control.

Went to 6pm meeting, went well!

Came back to apartment and typed this out (2 hours on a phone) to recap in my mind the events of the last few days. Feeling quite well all things considered, no shakes, withdrawal, headaches AND now I have hope. Praise to my Higherpower!

Thank you ALL, without you none of this would have happened, I would have been just finishing a fifth and passing out.......or worse.

Just can't thank anyone I met cyber wise or in person enough right now. Looking forward to day 4! Good luck and good night and above all God Bless!

Matthew6:13

[Choices]

Your post is really inspirational! I'm on day 18 AF I'm just so impressed with how your jumping in. Really cool.

[lizker]

Great job on 30 days....what has been working for you?

[Byrdlady]

Well done, Matthew. B

[lex]

Matthew- congrats on 30 days. I knew you were going to make this work! Best, lex

[Eloise]

You know Matthew6, when enough is enough it is time to make plans.
Congratulations!

[Matthew6]

Hi all. Just a quick post to say thanks and when things slow down a bit and i get to a computer vs this phone I'll update more. Things are going well, the fog has lifted and my marriage is getting much better. God bless and one day at a time!

[Guitarista]

Keep it going mate. Well done.

[Choices]

I just saw that you made 30 days! I feel the same, the fog lifts. Relationships get a chance to grow. Happy for you.

[daisy45]

Day one started, got to work ok. My kids (2 oldest work with me) look at me with concern, but are very supportive and told me that they love and respect me. I have never had emotions but now i am a mess.....this may be the worst day of my life.

Matthew, congratulations.....read back on your thread......how far you have come from those desperate feelings of wanting to be sober to actually doing it! Well done you!