Tomorrow is day 1

[JeffRob887]

Hello. I have been an on and off lurker here for years, since my wife joined al anon. Well now it is serious and i need/want/have to fix it. Like alot of people I would think, i stop knowing full well i did it just to appease her. Well that worked for a while. Al anon taught her "detachment". Detachment killed me....after a year I started resenting her for it. So......2 years later i had to leave. Now, her detachment wasn't to stop covering up for me or my problems. No drinking/driving, legal,violent issues. No (few in 30 years) embarrassing behaviour. My 3 grown kids love and support my decisions knowing full well my issues. Just dad. I have always done as she says "everything your supposed to". Small business owner for 18 years, good loyal family man.

So anyway, my point is i left. Thought i was this great untouchable guy. Go get apartment, women have fun......been married since i was 18. Well lived in hotel for 2 weeks, no interest in women (except her) and no fun. Tried to make amends to no avail.....just no, i can't do this anymore. I'm sure she still loves me, just not in love with me. We are very amicable. I still have a 7 year old beautiful baby girl at home. There were never fights or issues in the home. She is just tired of the drinking. I was raised this way, you get off work come home and drink.....till drunk. This worked for 20 years (married 26), she mostly participated. Not anymore. Never thought we would split.....still unreal!

So, now i sit in my little apartment down the street from my very nice home and realized not everyone lives like that (drunk after 5). I want my life back without the damn Jack Daniels. I will miss him but i am missing them more.

This post is to hold me accountable, so i have to check in everyday. Ordered myo program and start aa tomorrow.

If you know god pray for me. She (wife) does. My youngest son does....he is in school to be a pastor. My older son is going to be me and my oldest daughter is holding her own at 30. I have an awesome grandson that is 1. I hope i can work the programs and then pull son 1 along.......I've been drunk longer than he has been alive, so if i can do it he will see that, and come along for his son....i have to be the one to break the cycle. Live and learn.

Well now that i have made myself cry.....for the first time in i dont know when.
I got to go.
Thank you if you read all this. I will be back.

Hi matthew6, how was your recovery so far?

[Matthew6]

Well, what a bad few days. Thanks to all with the support, this place always pulls me through my worst times. Reading back through this as it was my original post has made me realize it's fear and resentment that cause a lot of my troubles. That causes me to hide my emotions which in turn causes me more fear and resentment. I get all caught up in my head and can't get out. So I screwed up and drank Saturday after 302 days. I found I truly hate drinking and everything that comes with it. Sunday my wife went to an alanon meeting then to her parents. She got home about dinner time and wouldn't say much.....she was mad and confused, and rightly so. Neither one of us could sleep and it was a very tense night. We don't fight/argue, she is codependent and I'm emotionally crippled, I fear being weak. Went to work this morning and it was pretty tense there to, we work together with 2 of our adult kids. I left early to pick up our baby girl from school and went home. When she got home I had to, just had to talk about it, it was killing me. Turns out all things happen for a reason, we talked, we cried and I discovered she needs me to be emotionally available and that doesn't make me weak, makes me human and available for her. We had a very good evening and are going to start counseling. We both had rough childhoods and never addressed that. We got married at 18, a codependent and an alcoholic, and just never stopped to work on us as individuals let alone as a couple. Lots going through my head right now and I need sleep bad. Thanks again, we can do this. God bless.

[Guitarista]

Good on you Mathew. Good to see you still here and posting rather than continuing to drink. For me, boozing is no way to live. Good work on 302 days bro, and even better job getting yourself back on track. G

[available]

Matt6 that was truly moving what you said. Al affects more than just ourselves, it destroys families and you want your family more than anything. Great work on moving forward and for the support of your wife also.

[Matthew6]

fear-quote-life-of-pi.jpg

[lex]

"Fear is the memory of pain. Addiction is the memory of pleasure. Freedom is beyond both."

Matthew-

NO!

You need to make addiction the memory of fear and pain!

[Matthew6]

I see the point, but that's not (my) reality. If (my) addiction was the memory of fear and pain I wouldl have run like hell years ago. My alcoholism was an escape, a way to relax and find pleasure, if only for a little while in my f#cked up world. A false pleasure to be sure, now I just want freedom and serenity. As I continue to center myself MAYBE it can become the memory of fear and pain, but then I would no longer be alcoholic, but I believe an alcoholic of MY type does not ever recover and must do this one day at a time. What is it that causes people with an addiction to relapse to their addictive substance of choice? My reason is, I found the escape pleasurable. Alcoholic, first thought wrong thinking I know, especially considering everything that comes with it. When my committee is having the meeting in my head it is induced by current (albeit irrational) fear, not the memory of it, unfortunately my addiction is screaming.........pleasure/escape is just a few shots away. I hope this does not come across as confrontaional, it is just my take on what my thoughts on my addiction is.

[aihfl]

Matthew, I just finished reading "Unbroken Brain" by journalist Maia Szalavitz. It is a great read and highly recommend it. A good portion of the book is spent exploring how addiction is a learned behavior and why addiction is resistant to punishment and/or other negative consequences. The author herself is a cocaine and heroin addict in recovery, so it's not written from the perspective of an armchair observer. I'm still at work or I'd write more about it.

[Byrdlady]

While I agree with everything you write, I do think it has to go further. I honestly believe that most of us fall because we drift away from our support. This isnt easy for anyone. I believe this isnt a spectator sport and it takes active participation to succeed. It takes helping others to reinforce what we know we must do. I have seen it thousands of times right here on MWO. Thats why my butt is glued in and I check in every single day. I just cant take the chance, Ive got too much to lose.
Stay close, it makes a difference!! Hugs dear man!! Byrdie

[lex]

For me, a big part of wanting to stay sober is that I realized-through reading-that alcohol INCREASES your baseline anxiety.

That is to say, it decreases your anxiety while you are drinking, sure, but the moment you put the bottle down you start returning to an increased baseline of anxiety. So what happens is you end up feeling anxious all the time, and feeling the need for relief all the time. Bummer!

I'd rather work on decreasing my baseline level of anxiety slow but steady-exercise, meditation, 12-step stuff, etc.

I know you know all this stuff but just wanted to reinforce it. The longer I don't drink, the more I'm sure it's a stupid drug to ingest.

[Matthew6]

>While I agree with everything you write, I do think it has to go further.<

I totally agree, that is recovery from addiction.

> I honestly believe that most of us fall because we drift away from our support. This isnt easy for anyone. I believe this isnt a spectator sport and it takes active participation to succeed. It takes helping others to reinforce what we know we must do.<

Very true and lesson learned. Running up to 300 days and feeling confident (like I got this), I started to coast a little and cut back to 1 meeting a week, cut back to 1 set aside (vs spontaneous, I pray little prayers randomly) prayer time, called sponsor less, stopped pursuing open communication with wife etc.. Basically crawling back inside my own head and letting my own committee (demons) guide me. Self will, my will, not Thy will be done. (Matthew 6 : 10, ironic no?)

>It decreases your anxiety while drinking <

That was my pleasure.

>So what happens is you start feeling anxious all the time, and feeling the need for relief all the time <

My addiction.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the idea of making your addiction your pain and your fear and more power to you, but for me addiction being the memory of pleasure is real, that escape is real.

Recovery and the 12 steps are what I use to find other healthy sources of pleasure, with the hope that I find sobriety and healthy relationships with people, hobbies, etc more pleasurable than the drink.

Thank you all for this. I actually speak at meetings even less than I post here. Some may even call me an introvert, lol. Anyhow my posting here has made me think, not committee think, but actually think my own REAL honest thoughts. What addiction, recovery, fear, expectations, resentment actually mean to me and my sobriety. For that I thank you. God bless, and may Thy will be done.

Matthew6

[lex]

I read a 70 year longitudinal natural history of alcoholism. The single question that most identified those whose quit for more than three years (usually for good) from those who relapsed was this:

Does alcohol increase your anxiety or decrease your anxiety?

Those who realized it actually increased their anxiety were able to (heck, and were happy that they had) quit.

You have to internalize the truth, that alcohol is the antithesis of a tranquilizer. Would anybody here like to take a pill knowing it was the antithesis of a tranquilizer? No thanks!

Just my humble observations of course.

[Matthew6]

I get all your saying and agree with most all of it but just don't understand what it has to do with this:

"Fear is the memory of pain. Addiction is the memory of pleasure. Freedom is beyond both."

Matthew-

NO!

You need to make addiction the memory of fear and pain!

That is all I was responding to. Not recovery, not relapse, simply MY memory of MY addiction.

Alcohol (addiction) is powerful, cunning and baffling. It does not inspire fear (in me). That's why the alcohol voice in my head keeps saying come back and relax, find pleasure in the jug. The pain of consequences fade but the memory of pleasure doesn't.

Thank you again for making me reflect on what my addiction is to me.