Help needed with bf!

[Beth427]

Hi, I'm looking for any advice this community might have! I'm feeling pretty desperate at this point. I've Been dealing with my boyfriends alcohol problem for years. We live together. It has come in and out but we have been going through a particularly rough time as the stress from his job and grad school are getting to him. He doesn't constantly drink, but he binges, typically alone... Or it will be social but he'll drink way more than everyone else and possibly go off on his own to do this. Lately he has been stopping by the liquor store on his way home from work and proceeds to drink a bottle of wine on his half an hour trip home. He admitted this to me a few weeks ago, that it had been going on for months. His brother and father and grandfather are all alcoholics. He drinks to black out sometimes, and he is verbally abusive. Not physically abusive, but I have not felt physically safe around him. I've tried to get him to go to AA. I've gotten him to go to counseling, but it doesn't seem to be helping,and is very expensive. I'm the bread winner and end up paying for it. I left him once for 6 months, but at the time he wasn't living with me so it was easier. I've tried to kick him out of the apt but he won't go or he threatens to take our cats, which are basically my children. At this point, even if he did get better, I'm not sure that our relationship could be repaired. He has hurt me too much and broken my trust too many times. In an ideal world I wish that this could be fixed and we could be like how we used to be. I've thought about finding another apartment, breaking my lease, and sneaking everything out while he is at work. I'm the only one on the lease so I could do that....but it would be horribly painful As I'd have to start this process and hide it from him. Can someone please offer advice on how to handle, or where to go to get more help? I have a very busy schedule and the al anon meetings are not that close to me...although I'm in nyc and i can make time for one...but I'm also just concerned about how helpful they would be for my specific situation? Any words of wisdom are much appreciated.

[time2quit]

Hi Beth,
I hate to say it but if he's now not willing/ready to get help or accept help there is probably little you can do. Your Idea about leaving seems to be a smart one to me. As you've stated your relationship is in all likelihood done. I know it would/will be hard but at this point you are only enabling him. Maybe you leaving would be the impetus to him realizing he needs to change and be a good thing. It surely can't hurt at this point. There are some medications that could help. A lot of us have had success with a drug called baclofen and another called gabapentin. The problem with them is they are hard to get subscribed as they are not FDA approved for substance abuse/AUD. Also it is a process for most to get to the right dosage level. Another thing As I see it nothing is going to help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. If you go to the medication board there is a lot of info there. Again don't want to be the bearer of bad news but you are not equipped to be his savior really nobody is. It really needs to come from within him and he just hasn't gotten to that point yet..... Im sure others will chime in and maybe have better advice.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/forum52/

[TJAF]

Beth, giving and getting relationship advice on an anonymous website is beyond difficult, but I can offer a few tidbits of advice. As a 30 year alcoholic (I've been sober for nearly 3 years) there isn't a Damn thing you can say that will make a difference to your BF if he doesn't want to quit. Secondly this is a progressive disease. It is not going to stabilize and it sure as hell won't get better if he doesn't quit. You have a very rocky road ahead, only 19 percent of alcoholics are functional alcoholics...those aren't good odds. Add that fact to the complications of children and increasing debt and you may find yourself waking up in a hole that you can't get out of. I don't know you or your BF so it is grossly unfair of me to cast judgement. I'm just trying to paint a realistic picture for you. Love can conquer the hardest problems but it will take two. A long timer here by the moniker of Byrdie only quit when the love of her life walked out. Maybe tough love is your answer too.

[lizker]

This is definitely a tough situation. One question, do you also drink or are you sober I know its none of my business but if there's a codependence, it may be hard to remove yourself from the situation. If you don't drink, you gotta start to put yourself first. He's certainly putting himself first by his actions. By you accommodating him, you 're jeopardizing your own safety and health and finances. If the relationship is irreparably damage, anymore emotions, time, money spent is a total waste, no return on your investment. Do what you gotta do to look out for YOU!

[little beagle]

I have been married for 17 years. My husband drank and used recreationally for the first 10 years. We have had a very rough path for the last 7. Just 2 weeks ago he tells me he is leaving me. This is after counseling and medications to help him quit. Yes he IS quitting. I feel he is. But the cost of the addiction was harmful to our relationship. He says he is going away so he can get away from triggers and have a change for awhile. I know this has been stressful for him. I know it's been stressful for me. Will he come back? I don't know. But I will only take him back if this thing is over. If he dedicates himself to his quit.
Now the thing is. Are you willing to invest blood, sweat, and billions of tears in him. Believe me. There is a cost. I chose to. But that is a personal decision. You can PM me if you want to talk.

[Choices]

Hi Beth,
I'm sorry for your struggle. I was in a similar situation years ago with my BF and choose to go to Al-anon. Honestly the help was amazing. I highly recommend it. To be in a group with a room full of people who completely understand your struggle helps. And, then years later I still think of the advice when I developed my own problem with alcohol. It really helped for me to know the guilt the alcoholic feels towards their own actions and hurting people they love and it helped me to know I needed to stop once I became that person... Not easily! The relationship I mentioned ultimately did not work out. I tried for four years and could not live with his alcohol abuse. Al anon just helped me to know it wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could do to get him to stop. I also hated who I'd become monitoring and trying to control out comes, bargaining .. You must love him very much. My advice would be.., put your physical needs before his so that you don't become exhausted and take care of your own side of the street to gather strength to figure out what to do. Stay calm, don't upset yourself by arguing with a drunk. The cats are going to be fine, it's the only leverage he has and he is pushing buttons. I wouldn't take much of what he says seriously while he is struggling with alcohol in this way. Wether you stay together or not, believe me he will someday regret all of this. I wish you well. If you have the means to pay for therapy, get some for yourself instead. I only say this because it sounds so painful.

[Choices]

Hi Beth,
I'm sorry for your struggle. I was in a similar situation years ago with my BF and choose to go to Al-anon. Honestly the help was amazing. I highly recommend it. To be in a group with a room full of people who completely understand your struggle helps. And, then years later I still think of the advice when I developed my own problem with alcohol. It really helped for me to know the guilt the alcoholic feels towards their own actions and hurting people they love and it helped me to know I needed to stop once I became that person... Not easily! The relationship I mentioned ultimately did not work out. I tried for four years and could not live with his alcohol abuse. Al anon just helped me to know it wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could do to get him to stop. I also hated who I'd become monitoring and trying to control out comes, bargaining .. You must love him very much. My advice would be.., put your physical needs before his so that you don't become exhausted and take care of your own side of the street to gather strength to figure out what to do. Stay calm, don't upset yourself by arguing with a drunk. The cats are going to be fine, it's the only leverage he has and he is pushing buttons. I wouldn't take much of what he says seriously while he is struggling with alcohol in this way. Wether you stay together or not, believe me he will someday regret all of this. I wish you well. If you have the means to pay for therapy, get some for yourself instead. I only say this because it sounds so painful.