Need to quit today

[Need to quit]

Today is the day I quit drinking. How many times have I said this? Many times. I don't know how to make it stick. I have been struggling with alcohol for easily 10 years. I have had many stretches abstaining over the past few years. I always feel great when I'm in a long stretch of not drinking and then I'll end up moderating again for a little while and then I fool myself that I can handle it. But here is the thing, I am such a light weight and I end up drinking until I am drunk and I rarely remember coming home. I have been to AA but I live in such a tiny town that there is nothing anonymous about it. I'm too guarded at the meetings because I feel like I have to protect my reputation. I have 3 daughters and luckily they don't quite perceive the extent of my problem. But they will eventually. Most of the time I am a dutiful, devoted mother. But I have this selfish compulsion that kicks in. I feel like I have to get my reward. I've been dealing with deep resentment over a past situation but it's over now and I need to let go. I live in a resort town that hosts a lot of parties. Sometimes I feel like I should get to have a good time too. I have been in many social situations where I have not had a drink and have a great time. Why can't I just let go. It has taken me a long time to see my pattern. I am a binge drinker and I need to stop altogether. I simply cannot moderate. I've tried Naltrexone but I play games with taking it. I've also gotten incredibly hammered on it and the hangovers are worse. Speaking of hangovers, I've had so many. I'm embarrassed that I have had so many. I also smoke pot and although I don't smoke as much as some (it's legal here) I know in my heart it's just more avoidance. I'm scared of myself, I can be super bubbly and yet I have self-destruct button that I flirt with. It's a gorgeous day and I am wallowing in guilt and shame. I have been purusing this site for a few years and this is the first time I have posted. I really need to make a permanent change. I don't want to stagger home ever again. I want to be 100% there for my daughters not 99%. I am so ashamed. I am middle aged, it's time I give up childish things.

[lex]

Welcome to the MWO club, Momma! Things seems dire to you right now, sure. But hang around, try to get some AF time here and there, try to build it up to maybe 30 days here, 60 days there. Sooner or later, it'll take and the next thing you know you'll be AF for a full year and we here at MWO can all celebrate your victory with you! :thumbsup:

[Quit wining]

Welcome N2Q! You've come to a great place where you will find lots of support from non-judgemental people!

And, everyone here has done things they regret having done while alcohol was running their lives.

Check out the ToolBox if you haven't already. There's a lot of helpful information there.

Check out Newbie's Nest too. Pull up a twig, settle in and don't be afraid to lean on your fellow Nesters!

Glad you're here N2Q!

[NoSugar]

Welcome N2Q, it's great you decided to post. I found that once I committed myself by making this "public" proclamation, I finally was able to keep the promise I'd been making and breaking to myself for far too long. I think that we're so full of self-loathing, disappointing ourselves doesn't seem to matter anymore. But it can mean something more to commit to a group. After awhile AF, you won't want to let yourself down anymore, either. Regaining self-confidence and self-respect is one of the greatest gifts!

Do you have a plan for the next few days? They are generally the toughest and it really helps to know what you're going to do when your normal response would be to reach for a drink.

All the best, NS

[kuya]

Welcome to MWO.

I think you will do just fine. You are clear about what you want, what you can and cannot do with regards to drinking alcohol.

Now you simply have to HEAR this deep down.....quitting is really easy, staying quit is simply about changing your mind.
You don't need alcohol, you never needed alcohol, you simply 'thought' you did.

If you 'needed' alcohol you would never have managed, even a day, sober.

You sound ready to quit and stay quit.

Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

[Need to quit]

Welcome to MWO.

I think you will do just fine. You are clear about what you want, what you can and cannot do with regards to drinking alcohol.

Now you simply have to HEAR this deep down.....quitting is really easy, staying quit is simply about changing your mind.
You don't need alcohol, you never needed alcohol, you simply 'thought' you did.

If you 'needed' alcohol you would never have managed, even a day, sober.

You sound ready to quit and stay quit.

Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

Thanks for the kind feedback. I really hope I can stay committed. I realize for me it's about just accepting the facts. I had around 150 days AF in 2015 and then had half a glass of wine around New Years. It was a slow unraveling to now. I had started to really heal at the end of last year. I guess I thought having dealt with some core emotional issues, that I could handle it. But the truth is even when I had had just one glass of wine on occasion, I would feel hungover - not to the degree I feel today - but it's just not right in my system. Then, defiance started kicking in again. I want to be like everyone else. But I'm not. And yes, there has been self-loathing and cringing at memories of drunken acts.
I guess I need support and to support others in this endeavor. When I get full of myself and think I got this, is when I'm likely to start up again. Thanks for all the quick replies.

[Pavati]

Hi, NtQ,

Welcome to MWO - a great place for support. I didn't want to go to AA in my small town either, and have found that this support site is amazing. I sought help here before I would have in person.

I recommend the Newbies Nest, too. It is a fast moving site and there are always people there to respond. Some of these side threads can move slowly.

I am a mother, too. I actually found that I was less of a mother than I thought I was. I thought I had it all handled and was one of the highest functioning drinkers who ever lived. The farther I get away from my drinking days the more I realize how much drinking was holding me back in all aspects of my life.

Stay close, and let us support you!

Pav

[actiongirl46]

Welcome N2Q! Congrats on having the courage and the conviction to post. I would agree with all of the advice so far, come on over to the Newbie's Nest and keep posting. It is a great spot.

I am a middle-aged mother too. There are many of us. Dads too. You are not alone here, and my guess is the more you read on MWO, the more you will realize you are probably not unique in your behaviors either. The best part is, we are working and learning to put that behind us and be the parents we truly are meant to be. That has been a huge motivator for a lot of us.

We are glad you are here and see you in the nest! AG

[kuya]

I hope you are not disheartened by the current glitch in the site....these are extremely rare!

[Byrdlady]

Links to Newbies Nest and the Tool Box are in my signature line below. Every single one of us have tried to moderate and found we just cannot. Life without AL is 1000 times better! Id have never believed it, but Ive been on both sides of that bottle....Sober is the place to be! Byrdie

[j-vo]

Hi NTQ!!
Welcome to MWO. And wow, your post was very familiar, for sure. Please fly into the nest for lotsa support. You've done 150 days, and you can do it again. But now you know that going back to drinking never ends up good. Ever. I still feel weird on the weekends and a bit shaky, but for obvious reasons. That's what my weekends consisted of. Getting drunk. Being hungover. I don't want that life anymore either. Hope to see you in the nest.

[Need to quit]

Hi NTQ!!
Welcome to MWO. And wow, your post was very familiar, for sure. Please fly into the nest for lotsa support. You've done 150 days, and you can do it again. But now you know that going back to drinking never ends up good. Ever. I still feel weird on the weekends and a bit shaky, but for obvious reasons. That's what my weekends consisted of. Getting drunk. Being hungover. I don't want that life anymore either. Hope to see you in the nest.

Many thanks. I will check in soon. Before the weekend. I agree that AF is the best path.

[Need to quit]

I didn't stay quit and today I regret it. I didn't post when I was having those feelings. I may have burned a bridge last night although the friendship was not genuine. My version of a drinking problem is 3 drinks and getting too enthused when chatting. I'm hardly on dire straits. Most days I don't drink at all or even think about it. I can't go to AA and hear about stuff with which I can't relate. I don't want to over do anything. Even though I don't drink a lot relatively speaking, I'm addicted to the buzz. That needs to stop.

[Need to quit]

I am playing last night over and over again in my head. I am wondering why I am held to a higher standard. But that is just adolescent isn't it. I hate admitting that I have a drinking problem because I am really just a lightweight. I'll go out of my way to tell you all the things I haven't done. I don't want to take on other people's drinking baggage because I am far from the extreme. But that is just a distraction from the obvious problem. It always starts out as such a fun outing. But I really upset my mentor. Again, the relationship may have been deteriorating already but I did not have to push. I cried. I told him how I really felt. Again, not the worst thing in the world, but I was not productive. People can be so unforgiving. But I should stop drinking. Please let me quit. Please let me post when I want to go have "fun". I want to be done.

[Need to quit]

So I talked to my mentor and he was like don't sweat it but understand that I couldn't see myself. How drunk I was. I believe him. It does not matter how little it takes, I still have a drinking problem and I need to address it. No matter how many days AF I have under my belt, I will always be a drunk. My pride has been in the way