what to do with my time!

[Beanie]

Hello. Beanie here...this is..oh...my third quit? Forth? I'm really committed and I think I have the strategies in place to handle the thoughts, cravings, etc. Now if I could just figure out what the heck to do with my extra time....I think I'm going to try to find a nice hike nearby today. I do enjoy that. Ok..so that will take an afternoon...then what?

The hardest part about this for me is twofold: first, I fell like booze is part of my personality- no part of my temperament....prying this out of my life feels like it has left a great hole and I don't know what to fill it with...I look,at this like an adventure and I have enthusiasm for living al free but I'm just so bored (and scared of that) that I am pulling my hair out....this is only day 2!! I know I can't rush it and I will need to figure out this new life over time....I feel like doing nothing and just waiting for night to sleep or doing something completely drastic like moving to a different country and starting life over...neither of these are workabke of course...
Suggestions welcomed....
Such respect for you all here.....
Beanie

[NoSugar]

Hi, Beanie. You sound very committed! You'll be so glad you did this :smile:.

I wasn't as upbeat as you are and spent about 3-4 months hibernating, watching mindless TV, taking long hot baths, and sleeping ALOT! I don't necessarily recommend that unless it feels right to you.

Other people get outdoors and exercise, take up a new hobby, commit to volunteer work, read all the books we read but can't remember, make plans with non-drinking friends, cook good meals, etc., etc.

The great thing is that there is only one thing you HAVE to do: not drink. Other than that, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission and encouragement to do whatever makes you feel good and supports your quit.

All the best, NS

[Beanie]

Thanks so much SN. I'm in it to win it just so angsty at the moment. I'm impatient and need instant gratification (surprise surprise) and my life is so full (career, family, travel) that you'd be surprised I can't find something to occupy my time! It really brings into stark relief how al has taken so much from me.....NO, how I have forfeit so much of my life to alcohol! ..... Calmness, steadiness, peace, are not here for me yet....that is ok....it will come! I really appreciated what you said about the malaise you experienced. I love this place bc it reassures me I'm not alone. You helped put a little spring in my step today..thank you for the encouragement and sharing....
Gratefully,
b

[NoSugar]

Hi again, Beanie (that was my daughter's nickname when she was little so it makes me :smile: to type it)

I spent many of those hours on MWO - keeping up with new posts and reading back on old ones, especially in the Newbies Nest. It was so comforting to read about others feeling exactly like I was. It was especially great to read about the early days of people who still posted on MWO, happily AF. It made it all seem so possible (which it is!!). Posting helped enormously and by getting into the habit when things were ok made it feel natural to log on and ask for help when I needed it. If an online forum is your main or only source of support, I believe you really have to USE it.

Another thing I did was learn all I could about addiction - on all levels: genetics, biochemistry, psychology, various treatments. My background is in science and health but I actively avoided learning anything about addiction for several years. I know now that I just didn't want to face the truth. I read memoirs by people who had been and who escaped addiction... Novels with addicted main characters... Blogs by people in recovery. Really, I IMMERSED myself in the subject. I felt like I thought about drinking (actually, not drinking) all the time but decided that was ok for awhile and knew that is would change over time. And it does! I rarely think about drinking or not drinking except when I log in here for my "tune-up". I really value chances to interact with someone like you - it helps me to talk to myself as I talk to you.

Take good care of yourself and be a little selfish for a bit. You'll have more for others later than you've probably had in years! NS

[Beanie]

Oh i completely know what you mean! I have been actively choosing ignorance bc it is easy. There is so much shame in this...guilt yes, but also shame which is a killer. Guilt is about a bad behavior....shame is about a bad person. I feel them both but for me, it wasn't as much "why did I drink so much?" It is more about, "why am I so weak?" In no other aspect of my life do I feel shame and self-loathing. I've lived with it too long and did so willingly. So self-destructive....something else I would happily fold into a shame cycle. No more!!! My biggest problem now is staying clean...I love what you said...the only thing I really have to do right now is not drink...
I'm really looking forward to not hating myself all the time....I'm excited actually.....I just want it now!!! (Doing some mindfulness tonight....that helps me a lot also)....patience is a virtue....
You are great NS!

[Inthesky]

Hi Beanie,
I know exactly what you mean about what am I to do with the extra time. I downloaded a book seven days sober and she had some really good ideas to fill the newly freed up time. I'm only on day 13 (longest amount AF in 20+ years) I've gone back to hiking, finding local events AF free ( and not big crowds), reading and my favourite cooking and eating better.
I am honestly finding it hard to commit to anything regular at the moment as like you my moods, anxiety, sleep and overall health vary day by day. After my first week it's gotten a lot better and I'm excited to post my days, so hang in there. it's so worth it.
Cheers
Sky

[Panda]

Hey Beanie, real name's Katie. I know exactly what you mean. Ya know doing nature walks is a great idea. Wasn't even thinking about it since I've been obsessed with depression/anxiety and the one way to get quick results(al) I'm in Florida. So it'll be hot as hell, but ur post did give me a great idea. Just gotta bring a ton of water! Anyway, I wish I had more advice for you but I'm just starting out. I think good distraction it's probably one of the best ways to kick this issue. Probably not a cure-all but it's a start. And again thank you because I I'm going to start tomorrow by going on nature trails and just not even thinking about the problems and hopefully it will help in the long run keeping me occupied so I don't go further downhill. Thank you again and I kind of think you're probably new as in so hopefully we can help each other get out of this rut and learn to be healthy and happy.

[treetops]

Hi there Beanie - yes the early days can be tough when you find you have so much time. I was very much like NS - giving myself permission to sleep a lot - or just rest because I didn't sleep well - and taking baths, taking my time over things. There were some days when I longed for bed so I could get that day over. I had/have a very busy life with work and family so it wasn't like I had nothing to do - but the new sense of time before me - hit me most when I was tired and did not want to attend to things on my 'to do' list. So a big thing for me was giving myself permission to have down time, non productive time (although of course it was productive because I was in recovery). Also like NS- I immersed myself in books, self help, novels, movies etc about alcohol and people who who abused alcohol. There are a ton to watch - you can easily Google for these. I still allow myself down time and one of the fun things I have been able to do is watch all the really long TV series that I never watched first time around (like The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, The Wire etc). I didn't binge watch - I eeked this out to around one episode a night and then read some of the good reviews and commentaries - so it was an active exercise for me to think about also - as well as being entertaining and distracting. I started to re-watch foreign movies with sub-titles - when I was drinking this wasn't possible.
Anyway all the best - we all have different interests - and the first few weeks to months are really a time to be kind to yourself and not expect too much.

[bobby boy]

Hi there , I hope its ok for me to jump in on this thread ? I have so enjoyed reading all of your posts here and can relate so well to all of you , NS you are awesome ! Great advice ! Panda , glad you here ! Beanie I am only a few days AF too but everyday gets better . Sky , nice to see you here too ... I guess we do have to reflect on just how much time we spent wasting time drinking the evening away ... I have a pic on my mobile that my son took a few weeks ago . I am passed out in front of the TV my head resting on my old Toby ( cocker spaniel ) . Sounds cute but if you look real close you can see my red blotchy face as a result of too much AL . I am still a bit anxious at certain times when I think about the future but have started looking at doing a course ( to fill the time ) . All the very best to everyone here ... Hang in There !

[Beanie]

Hi all...panda (Katie).....we can do this. I'll stick with you. Thanks for posting. It is gratifying knowing others relate. Day three and it is hard but not in terms of cravings. I have no desire at all...feel totally strong in that sense (but expect it won't always be so easy...maybe I'm in the 'pink cloud' but will post here and read and try to be easy on myself and soak in all the great advice and will not fail). This forum is invaluable!!

I did go on that hike yesterday...felt really good...Katie..I'm in VT and it was 91 and humid yesterday so I went in the late AM and it was gorgeous. Hey..timing is everything

Confession for Sky: I too am mood swinging quite a bit. I'm having crying bouts but not because I'm feeling sorry that I can't drink. Just a reaction to tough change and trying to figure out this new life. Don't have a toe-hold yet. Must admit...I'm mad at my husband but should not be bc he has dealt with my BS for almost 20 years so HE has been a victim in all this. Nonetheless, he has had some harsh words for me over the last year about my drinking and told me some hard truths and I think I feel shame and anger about that. I don't know how to deal with these feelings and find myself just being pissy at him. He doesn't deserve it. I didn't want his scorn (although deserved) and now I don't want his comforting nor praise (and emotional closeness seems impossible right now). I don't want to feel infantialized anymore and I think I associate him with those feelings. I don't know how to meet him on an even playing field and as an equal deserving of respect. I've said it before, I'm impatient and this is going to take time. I hope I can dig deep and find some kindness for him. It feels impossible to work on everything right now: no drinking, happy husband, full time career.
HA! I saw some shiny happy people jogging with double strollers and ear-to-ear smiles yesterday and just felt myself rolling my eyes in distaste (envy?).....who are these people? How do they do it? Who jogs, pants, and smiles? I didn't even know that was physically possible...

Thank you bobbyboy for sharing. These are the kinds of things I did..drink at home and go too far with it around husband and kids...that could have been me laying on the cockerspaniel no problem!! Stick with me...stay close!

My goal today...apologize to husband for crappy attitude. Be kind to myself and others. Oh..and taking another hike with the 8 year old. She is so magical....going to milk that magic today and soak it all in. God I love my family!!! Treetops...I love breaking bad and sopranos! I think I'll throw myself into a new Netflix series and eek out a show each night....this will be my reward...
Ok...heavy sigh but resolve strong!!!! Supplements, work out, shower, and off to hike....
Sincere gratitude to everyone here...I had a good cry this AM, read MWO posts and feeling better already....

What are your goals today????? Oh and sky...13 days is fantastic!!

[Mr Vervill]

Thanks so much SN. I'm in it to win it just so angsty at the moment. I'm impatient and need instant gratification (surprise surprise) and my life is so full (career, family, travel) that you'd be surprised I can't find something to occupy my time! It really brings into stark relief how al has taken so much from me.....NO, how I have forfeit so much of my life to alcohol! ..... Calmness, steadiness, peace, are not here for me yet....that is ok....it will come! I really appreciated what you said about the malaise you experienced. I love this place bc it reassures me I'm not alone. You helped put a little spring in my step today..thank you for the encouragement and sharing....
Gratefully
b

Welcome Beanie and Panda
I can assure you your feelings and thoughts are normal, as we have ALL been through the same wringer. We have a saying around here,
about waking up after drinking, and finding ourselves in bed with the GSR brothers. (Guilt, Shame, Remorse).
Be kind to yourself the first 30 days. Do not dwell on the past, you can not change it, easier said than done, I know, but it can wreak havoc with your quit. Makes it to easy to say, F 'it, I'm gonna have a drink.
Focus only on today.
I found physical activity, exercise, and eating better help tremendously.
Stop in on the Newbies Nest thread and post as well, it's very active with people in all stages of recovery.
Also check out the tool box, under Monthly Abstinence for ideas on what to do with some of your free time, and other ideas on staying quit.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/monthly-abstinence/24253-tool-box.html

Best to you all
V

[NoSugar]

There is so much shame in this...guilt yes, but also shame which is a killer. Guilt is about a bad behavior....shame is about a bad person. I feel them both but for me, it wasn't as much "why did I drink so much?" It is more about, "why am I so weak?" In no other aspect of my life do I feel shame and self-loathing.

Hi, again, Beanie.
You're not bad or weak - alcohol is bad and is a strongly addictive substance. Most people have become addicted well before they realize there is a problem. I was shocked when I couldn't simply quit. I quit eating gluten almost 30 years ago and most sugar 5 years ago with no problem. I thought alcohol would be the same :eek-new:...

Have you watched the Brene Brown TED talks about vulnerability? They (and several of her other talks) were really helpful to me in dealing with my feelings of shame and guilt.

I'm really looking forward to not hating myself all the time....I'm excited actually.....I just want it now!!!

This sounds really simplistic but you can quit hating yourself right now because the truth is, right now is all we've got. The past and the future aren't real - they exist only in our thoughts. I wallowed in regret for a long time and realize now how unnecessary that was. Thinking and thinking about the things I'd missed out on, the events I couldn't remember, and the relationships I'd allowed to die because of drinking made me so sad. Fortunately I didn't choose to drink to escape that sadness about the past but that is exactly what can happen. Ruminating on the past certainly didn't change it and in fact, the more I thought about it, the worse it seemed to have been. Our memories are unreliable in any case and the more we think about something, the more we change it - we begin to remember our last thoughts about it, not the thing that happened in the first place. And the only outcome of all of this is feeling worse. Most of us try to stop drinking because we want to feel better - it makes no sense to focus on thoughts that do nothing but make us feel horrible!

I definitely don't think we should ever forget how our lives were before we stopped drinking. I've encouraged people to write it all down (I wish I had done that) and then put it away. If you need a reminder sometime down the line, you can read your own words and remember. Bobby Boy has this:

I have a pic on my mobile that my son took a few weeks ago . I am passed out in front of the TV my head resting on my old Toby ( cocker spaniel ) .

But don't rehash it (or look at that photo!) every day. If apologizing to some people in your life would make you and them feel better, that can be a helpful thing to do. Then move on.

You are a good person who should be in love with yourself - right this minute. Your feelings of guilt or shame or self-loathing arise because those are the thoughts you are having. Like the feeling of "hot" is a warning not to touch something, those negative feelings are warnings that your thoughts are taking you in a direction you don't want to go. This isn't denial - the past happened. But it isn't happening now and you're not a prisoner of it.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, NS

[Beanie]

Thank you so much NS, I needed that. I had the same words for Bobbyboy.....great advice....(and strangely easier to believe when you are giving it to someone else rather than trying to accept it). NS is right Bobbyboy......please don't make that photo your screensaver!!!! Onward and upward!! Independent confirmation from vervill on this so I know I'm on the right track...GSR brothers...ha! Love that....

Today is good! Supplements, check! Work out check! Apology to husband for pissy attitude, check! :thanks:

[bobby boy]

Hi everyone ,
Beanie , I just loved reading your post ... I can relate to what you are saying here on so many levels . My heart goes out to you when you talk about that emotional connection . The men in our lives have put up with a lot and I guess they will have to adjust their emotions to put up with us as we slowly claim back our lives through our sobriety... Mine has said a couple of times in the last week that he believes me when I say this is it ... I have tried several times to quit ! Because I have all this sober time in the evenings I have been watching a few programmes that I saved ... BBC have done one on Why I drink so much ? Very interesting , genetics playing a very important part as well as social behaviour . My conclusion ... it is a drug , it is legal and it is lethal .Keep it up everyone !!! Lets stay connected through our stories as I now realise that I am not as lonely as I made myself by drinking alone every night >>> hugs xx

[Beanie]

Hey there all...day 6 in the bag....nice to hear from you bobbyboy....thanks for reflecting and letting me know im not completely nuts! Ahh.....got bored today in evening and would have usually downed a bottle on vino but staying on track and really not wanting AL...I mean I kind of do but it is only bc of habit...no real cravings to speak of and the thought of taking a step backwards makes me ill....no way!!!! Stay strong Bobbyboy....
Smiles,
b