best friend is alcoholic

[Wisp]

I just found this forum-- my very best friend in the whole world has a drinking problem. Mostly I've seen her drink too much at social settings, but have suspected she drinks alone, too. I have had some very strange conversations with her on the phone when I suspect she was drunk. She's taking some medication where she should not be drinking at all, and I've seen her drinking way too much.

Last night I was going to celebrate something in my life, and I invited my friend and her husband to meet me for dinner at a restaurant. We all drove separately after work. She was working from home yesterday, and her husband was working at his office, and I had the day off. It was clear she was drunk as soon as she showed up. I have never been a drinker, and I am a bit ignorant with all this, but I am also a nurse and I can tell when someone's impaired. I have spoken/texted to her husband about my concerns in the last few months. He has been sorta in denial, but clearly yesterday she was drunk and he could not deny it. He is now very upset and worried, and wants to do something about this. He already lost a person close to him due to addiction and he's scared. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting in a couple of hours, and later today the two of us (her husband and I) are going to talk straight to her about this.

I am so sad for her. But I am also angry that my special dinner to celebrate a big thing in my life was ruined because of her being drunk. And I also have thought long and hard about this-- but I need to be prepared to emotionally distance myself from her if she won't admit she has a problem and gets help. I will support her but I can't do it for her. The whole thing is just very sad.

I am also very angry because as a nurse, I have taken care of children who have been very hurt (paralyzed even) and their parents killed because of drunk drivers. My friend drove drunk to the restaurant yesterday. I am scared she's going to hurt or kill someone or herself.

Thanks for listening.

[abcowboy]

Hi Wisp, you're right, you can't "make" her quit, only she can do that. But you can still be a best friend by showing you care and offering your support when and if she makes the decision to quit.

[Baclofenman]

Hi Wisp, you're right, you can't "make" her quit, only she can do that. But you can still be a best friend by showing you care and offering your support when and if she makes the decision to quit.

Yes, indeed

She will need to recognise she has an issue and she will have to have the inclination to act to stop this problem - If she is prepared to do this there are plenty of options open to her

Without the act of recognition, nothing is going to help her

Regards


Bacman

[Byrdlady]

Wisp,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is good reminder for all of us here how our actions affect others we love. You didnt ask a specific question to us, but as a card-carrying alcoholic myself, I can share a couple of thoughts.

First and foremost, your friend KNOWS she has a problem. This will not be news to her. She will be mortified that she's being called out in it and will deny a problem of any kind (most likely). We work awfully hard to keep our secret. I imagine she has tried to control her consumption to no avail. I know I did. I bargained and wished and hoped but my disease progressively got worse. I did not want to face the reality that I might have to stop drinking altogether, it was too much to bear. I was scared. Like a criminal on tv, when someone is cornered, we are going to put up a hell of a fight to keep from giving up our friend. We'd rather do anything else than admit we need to stop. We will say anything to get you off our back. We will make promises to cut down (convincing arguments, too) or to only drink on weekends or special occasions. Unfortunately,we cannot cut down or control it once we start, we dont have an off switch. This is when we start to sneak it....you see, we NEED our fix. I resented my sister saying something to me. I resenting the VP of sales calling me out at a company meeting in front of my peers, I resented my husband constantly hounding me about my drinking. Nothing got my attention until there were real consequences. My dear husband of 24 years issued an ultimatum. On the night of Jan 19, 2011, he packed a bag and left me. That got my attention. He came back the next day to get more clothes and asked me how I wanted to divide our assets, he wasnt kidding, either. He said he didnt want to be maaried to a drunk. I didnt want to BE a drunk, but I was. I got a big dose of reality that day, and I have not had one drop of AL since. I didnt really appreciate the way it happened, but he actually saved my life. I was killing myself. I had been a member of this site for a year but that day I got serious about it. I planted myself here and never looked back. I learned the skills it takes to get sober and I had people to whom I was accountable.
It isnt easy to get sober, and she is going to have to want to do it. I can assure you, she isnt happy in her current state. Please encourage her to get support, whether its here or rehab or a community meeting....but GET HELP. We cant/wont do it alone.
Dont let her off the hook, but give her a face-saving option. Maybe recommend she try 30 days AF, we here at MWO can help her with that. Thats a step that isnt SO bad. She will deny having any problem at all, please understand we are scared. Its like a death when we have to let go of our addiction.
You are a good friend for seeking answers, its a tough situation on this side of it, too. Believe me, she is very aware of this problem. Please keep us posted, if we can help, we'll be right here. All the best to you and your friend. Byrdie

[JackieClaire]

As ABC and Baclofenman have already said she is the only one who can pull herself out of the mire they call alcoholism...............my caution to you and her husband is to not overload her with information................say your piece simply and lovingly and ask how that you should all proceed. At the moment I'd expect huge promises from her...........eg. I promise never to drink again, I'll only drink on Saturdays and them only a couple.

Try and find out how much how much she is drinking daily.......it doesn't have to be today........it maybe she needs to have a medical de-tox or tapering program. This is going to take more than a couple of hours.

I know from my own past drinking that yesterday your friend didn't set out to ruin your night, it was probably only one drink to 'settle' her nerves and as problem drinkers we all know that one drink is never enough. She'll be mortified by her behaviour.

Best to you all. let us know how it goes and if she wants to join us tell her we're waiting to help.

[Mick]

wisp ..lots of good advice here already...my concerns are that it doesnt look like the 2 of you are ganging up on her,secondly be prepared for all sorts of all types of allegations...ie how come you two ...if someone has a problem that they want to deflect heat away from the best way..counter allegations..affairs etc..please remember its not your friend.. it is drink also I doubt on the firt conversation you will get exactly what she drinks ...minimisation will play a part ..already been mentioned ..dont overload her with stats info...she doesnt want to hear that...my guess is addressing the problem without admitting there is a problem is what she would want..Can I make a suggestion?
go down the road of concerned that there is problem developing so you want to help her to make sure it doesnt harm or destroy her life..or indeed her and her husbands..also the medication side....

very best of luck to you.