sick of myself

[mamarenee]

How could this be me? Two days before my adopted son's birthday, I got drunk in front of the whole fam, eventually throwing up on the couch, also in front of them. This is the do-good mommy.
Then begin the recriminations.
How could I do that? All I ever wanted was to be a good mom, and this was the way my adopted kids (3) got taken away. So: how could I expose them to an environment where drinking to excess happens? How could I think I was able to do this? How could I face my older children again?
No one else, none of the 5 kids who were present that night, seemed to think much of it the next day. The birthday son asked why I threw up. I said I drank too much of that grown up drink. He told me maybe it had sugar in it and thats why I shouldn't have too much!!
The older girls who had to clean up after me were just like, no problem. But...
All I can think of is that I do not respect myself for giving such a bad example.
I don't drink daily but this has happened about 4 times in the past year. That is four times too many!
I am motivated to moderate myself. But trying to face the reality of the situation: I have been motivated with this level of fear and loathing before.
This time I am going with support. The tapes and meds and vitamins and messages from you will be my lifeline. Part of the issue for me (I think) is loneliness. I don't have a spouse and am raising these kids myself. At times it feels a little overwhelming, or just plain lonesome.
Thanks for listening. I need you.
:thanks:

[paraniod]

sick of myself

Hi, I too drank way too much in front of my kids a couple of weeks ago, and am so mad at myself for it. I think it is important to remember that you are the one that is reliving it over and over, everyone else has moved on. It is hard to think that way, but when I talked to my oldest son the day after I had my blackout he didn't seem to notice either, he was more annoyed by someone elses bad language in the area.
Your kids must feel great gratitude for what you have done for them, but you are right, the example isn't the best you can give. I know that about myself too and that is why I am on this site. It's for my kids.
Good Luck with this, and know that kids do learn from this. Maybe the older kids will see the dark side of drinking as getting sick all over and they may decide not to go there. Honesty is the best policy and they respect you for that.:welcome:

[tawnyfrog]

sick of myself

Solitude is good but loneliness sucks big time. Stay with us for a while. I guarantee you won't be lonesome.

Welcome, Mamareene.

[rachel28]

sick of myself

hi,i think i know what u mean, i have a 10 yr old an 14 yr old step son, i have not gone wiv out a drink a day in the last ???yrs, trying im reducing, i havent had a beer yet, i know its early but i usually have cracked 2 tins by now, ii worry i screwed my kid, he had to turn bath off 4 me 2 weeks ago, partner an i had a steaming row, i cant remember details,vvv drunk, i fellasleep cryin after id turned bath on, my lad saw an saved the day, was t the top,!!! came down an covered me up, i feel terrible that he had to look after me! i have cried since about bein a terrible mother, daft thing is what do i do? cry drink an beat myself up, hopefully no more, it dosent help, my 14 yr old is starting the rebelious teenager, but also notices how much i drink, its hard to tell the effect

[rachel28]

sick of myself

i know its not a good 1, an i know i got 2 stop, its a hard job trying to get my partnr 2 agree, he drinks a good few cans most nights, i think he genuinly does just like a beer he can take it or leave it, just trying to explain not to keep filling th fridge, as ill drink em, i have had to tell him about the stashing beer an just how hooked i am, this week so far he has tried hard but im fighting a battle thinking he will ever abstain wiv me, thats another dilema tho, sometimes i think bein alone will give me the kick i need to take control, not havin any 1 but me 2 blame, i have been single parent 4 yrs on an off i remember the long evenings, i symopathise ,

[Guest]

sick of myself

Welcome to the group Mamareene,

There is always some wonderful person on line here if you ever feel lonely, or need help. We are all in different time zones, but someone will always reply to help you when you need it. Smile. You've come to the right place.

GG

[MDBiker]

sick of myself

I agree with GG and the frog. You will find lots of friends and support here. You will never be alone again as long as you have your computer.
bear

[Guest]

sick of myself

Welcome mamarenee,
I`m afraid none of us look particularly pretty in drink, and so many of us(myself included) have been ashamed of our antics the morning after. However, no matter how much we go over a drunk evening in our heads, we can`t change anything of what happened, so we have to learn to `let it go`. Forgive yourself the drunken episodes, try to learn from these episodes, think about how you want to conduct your life, and make an attainable plan and stick to it. Have only just started my own journey, but think once we actually start to make the change instead of just wishing for it, life seems so full of hope.

And yes, many people are lonely in this life, but alcohol is s*** company, as he`s a `taker` -he gives us company for that few hrs., takes all he can from us, then he just ups and leaves, and we`re back where we started.........alone.

Thing is, noone need be alone. People care, and there are loads of genuine friends here at M.W.O. for you. So stick around, and make a goal-plan, nomatter how unambitious at the beginning. Come on here, and people will help you.

Best wishes

Starlight Impress

[eyesontheprize]

sick of myself

Loneliness

Dear Mamarenee,
Oh god, I feel for you, I bet we all have those horrifying memories, but we're all here and we're going to make them a thing of the past. I am starting to realise that loneliness is usually the trigger for a binge. Alcohol is 'company' (WHATT!!). It strikes me that adverts for booze are selling 'company, friends and good times', that's no accident. They spend gazillions working out which of our buttons to push. I can't think of a drinks ad that shows someone sitting alone in a room in front of a tv screen with a bottle and half a pound of cheese, then cuts to someone sobbing drunkenly down a phone at a highly embarrassed ex! Or maybe I'd passed out by the time that one came on.....

So thank you for mentioning the loneliness. It's almost the last taboo, you can admit to pretty much anything but that, it smacks of failure, of not being good enough to have friends, to being a sad sack, mainly due to the glossy ad images of everyone being surrounded by hordes of laughing, glamorous friends. The truth is that EVERYONE gets lonely sometimes. I've been lonely in a relationship and lonely on my own. Yes I have great friends, but they're not always there..... but I can always mix myself the perfect vodka martini to 'treat myself'......

So, thank you all, after just three days visiting that site I think I've really managed to pinpoint what the trigger for my binges is, it's loneliness. I caught a whiff of it yesterday and instead of having a drink managed to stomp up and down going, 'oh f*&k, I'm really bloody lonely'. I called a friend, chatted mindlessly, and gradually it wore off without a drink. Having a drink would have been more enjoyable, but this morning I woke up feeling glad I hadn't. Am beginning to realise it's not even the loneliness, it's the fear of it and a reluctance to having to admit it. I'm hoping that once I can get used to identifying that need for a drink as a wave of loneliness, admitting what it is and just acknowledging it as a feeling of the moment, I won't turn a fleeting feeling of loneliness into a day long binge, followed by the excruciating self disgust and panic and depression of a morning after.

Sorry for waffling on, but it's quite a big realisation for me and I thank you all for prompting it.

Hoorah for us! We's changing!:H

xx

[goingsobermum]

sick of myself

Hi Mamaren?e,
Welcome to MWO. This is a great place to be for support. Stick around.
Eyes well done on the stomping.

[retteacher]

sick of myself

Hi Mama: Please keep coming here. We all have triggers. Mine is disappointment & stress, but the result is the same. Shame & embarrassment. Mary

[Rocky]

sick of myself

Mamareene

Well most all of us are here cause we are sick..of ourselves for how we let alcohol abuse us.

Being here is the very best start for a new journey and new future..

Welcome and take it a day at a time

[nancy]

sick of myself

I don't have any children but I imagine having them see you drunk must be a horrible experience.

About loneliness, I used alcohol for years to help with loneliness. I don't do that as much anymore. I think it's because I don't judge lonely feelings anymore. I realize that there are certain reasons and circumstances behind why I feel this way (eg, it's difficult to connect and I am single) and that it's an emotion that will come and go. Even when you are around people or friends it can be there if the relationship is light or superficial. If you don't feel ashamed of being lonely, there is not as much of a pressing need to get rid of the feeling. It's an uncomfortable state of being, but it's part of life, one of the difficult parts. I now realize I am not unworthy because I feel lonely a lot of the time.

Reading Buddhist philosophy has helped me come to this conclusion-- that we need to be full people, with the good and the bad and we shouldn't be trying to get rid of all of our feelings that are uncomfortable.

Also, you will find company on this website. ok, so you don't see any of the people. But because we have something in common that many in the outside world cannot understand, it can help make you feel more connected.

[Robert Smith]

sick of myself

nancy;149200 wrote: I don't have any children but I imagine having them see you drunk must be a horrible experience.

About loneliness, I used alcohol for years to help with loneliness. I don't do that as much anymore. I think it's because I don't judge lonely feelings anymore. I realize that there are certain reasons and circumstances behind why I feel this way (eg, it's difficult to connect and I am single) and that it's an emotion that will come and go. Even when you are around people or friends it can be there if the relationship is light or superficial. If you don't feel ashamed of being lonely, there is not as much of a pressing need to get rid of the feeling. It's an uncomfortable state of being, but it's part of life, one of the difficult parts. I now realize I am not unworthy because I feel lonely a lot of the time.

Reading Buddhist philosophy has helped me come to this conclusion-- that we need to be full people, with the good and the bad and we shouldn't be trying to get rid of all of our feelings that are uncomfortable.

Also, you will find company on this website. ok, so you don't see any of the people. But because we have something in common that many in the outside world cannot understand, it can help make you feel more connected.

You mean you didn't see at least one brave person ?

Robert

[Cinders]

sick of myself

Nancy,

Your post struck a chord with me.

When my kids were teenagers we caught my daughter smoking pot. She argued that it isn't as bad for you as alcohol, blah, blah.

My husband's words, "It doesn't matter if it is pot, alcohol, or pills, all of these are escapes from unpleasant feelings. The problem with using any of them is that you circumvent your body's natural reaction to unpleasant feelings and experiences and don't learn how to cope without the crutches."

I have always been amazed that he has stayed with me all these years. I am one of the great escape artists using my favorite legal substance -- wine.

Cindi