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My 1000 days sober and a marathon

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    My 1000 days sober and a marathon

    So I was a dud.
    Boring guy
    No friends
    Super shy
    Depressed

    Then I found AL
    Gave me that high
    Gave me courage
    To speak
    To make friends
    To talk

    But I wanted to change
    Opened up
    Killed this shyness
    Wanted to Improve
    And so I did
    Changing oneself is not easy
    But since did
    That was more than 10 years ago

    Since then AL was always there to help
    Gave me that friend I wanted
    Helped me make new "friends"

    But then AL consumed me
    I realized I was trapped
    Could not come out
    I again wanted to change
    Overcome
    But found I could not
    Tried so many times
    But could not
    Failed to stop
    Make me more depressed
    Make me realize I am just a dud
    Still that same guy

    But then why was I not proud of "myself"
    Why I wanted more
    I already had a lot
    So much which many else didn't
    Which was getting consumed by AL

    Drinking alone at bar
    Everyday..
    Was no fun
    AL was no fun
    And where are those "friends"
    I can't talk to them

    What about my marriage
    A mess
    Collapsing at home everyday
    That no life
    I had to change
    But how
    When
    I can stop
    So I thought Everytime I picked that bottle
    An excuse to myself to drink more
    And for what ?

    Then came my bottom
    I was not on streets
    But felt lowest of the lowest
    I had to change but how

    Daily guilts
    Orning handovers
    All that planning where and how to drink
    I was getting consumed

    Then I searched
    Found MWO
    Make an account
    And what a name I chose
    I am not sweet
    Heck I used to use that name for online dating
    Back when the concept of online dating was not even born
    On college intranet
    Way before internet first came in dialup modems

    So Rahul "the sweet" as born
    Who wanted change
    Who wanted to accept myself
    The way I am
    No big desires
    Except one
    Kick the AL

    The this sweet avatar of my chatted
    Spemt hours on this site
    Made some new friends
    Was surprised that people replied!!
    They offered help and advice
    I am so self fish
    Have always been
    Wanted for myself always
    Never helped
    And here were thee fine folks helping

    I travel a lot
    Have been on road , bus, train and plane
    since I started working back in early 2000
    My first trip to Germany was a "freedom" trip
    Free to drink beer
    And so !much was available
    Everywhere
    Back then also I know I was drinking more
    But I ignore
    For next 15 years
    I ignored that Inner voice

    For the fine folks at MWO helped
    Had a first 40 days sober
    Wow it felt like top of world
    Heck I can control this thing
    Till I wanted into that Mexican restaurant in downtown Manhattan
    And was back to me ... Drinking
    Tried and failed
    Tried and tried
    Tell for the strength and help to hang on
    To geneuinly love myself
    To geneuinly be sober

    60 days were hard
    depression and mood swings came in
    Traveling sober was hard
    But I stayed sober

    Then my mind opened
    Started noticing small things life has to offer
    There so much beauty in nature around me
    Fresh rai Droplets on top of a flower
    Sun set on a beach in Goa
    That bird which sings a song look at clouds
    That beautiful teen girl sitting at coffee shop reading a book

    Things which I have forgotten to see
    Like brighf lights at night with sober eyes
    They felt so bright
    "Daddy" the voice of my children who never knew that that means
    There was so much beauty around me
    Which I ignored
    And where and what I was looking ?
    Hunting ?
    That bar
    That bottle

    I wanted more of it
    I wanted to me
    Just me...
    Do what I wanted

    Hiked mountains in Switzerland
    Loved the sound of cow bells in clean fresh air
    Then the small things
    Bed time stories
    I never did that with my elder daughter
    She grew so fast
    Where was I ? Bar
    But know I see my younger son
    Who looks up to me
    Looooved the stories which my sober mind can come up

    But I missed the high
    I saw people getting the feeling of high we AL
    But it was fake
    I wanted more
    Real
    So with grace of God I discovered cycling
    I rode and rode and rode
    Past 2 years ...
    I now was getting the high I wanted
    I so could not related to people who would drink
    I was with these new set of people
    Who cycled
    Who were crazy
    Like me

    Then came miles stones
    First 30 km a bike
    First 60 km on a mountain road
    But wanted to reach the magical number of 100
    Then I fell
    Broke my knee
    While travelling
    Was in Spain
    Cast and bed for 2.5 months
    But didn't think of AL
    Loved time I spent with family
    Enjoyed the feeling of a kid who needs care
    Played computer games

    But wondered
    With my broken knee
    And huge cast
    Will I ever walk again ?
    Ride again
    Run again
    Stay sober for ever ?

    That was one year ago.
    Today I cried
    Years came out when I saw the finishing line
    Running is always hard
    Especially when you trying to complete your first half marathon
    Non stop .
    Seeing the goal ahead just 300 meter away
    I was in tears
    I was running Delhi biggest and hard Marathon
    21 km non stop aiming less than 2.5 hours

    Ever since my fracture I have gone thru slow recovery
    Cycling helped a lot
    But running a half marathon what I was aiming for
    Ever since I have AL.
    Signed up last year as well but could not run due to my facture
    But this year z
    I was ready

    They say you come cross moments
    When life just flashes
    I was in that trance
    200 meters to go
    And I felt so satisfied
    Soon I will finish
    Running was hard .. especially after 16km mark
    But here I was
    See the end in sight.
    I wanted this moment
    As I ran harder and faster in last few meters
    I felt as if things are moving in slow motion
    All that pain AL caused me came in front of me
    Those years of drinking
    Hating myself
    That guilt
    That pain
    Feeling of being useless
    Struggle with recovery
    Trying and failing

    So I finished the line in 2.26 minutes
    Pround
    I would never in my wildest dreams
    thought of this moment
    Me runing marathon ? I was an alcoholic
    Sick guy, a liar a cheat

    I am still a dud
    A boring guy
    But who cares ...
    Now I can celebrate
    Life
    My 1000 days
    SOBER !
    Wonder what's next ....
    Rahul
    --------------------------------------------
    Rewiring my brain ... done ...
    Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
    Rebooting ... done ...
    Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

    #2
    Way to go, Rahul. Congratulations on 1,000 days - I love your enthusiasm and spirit. Thanks for sharing.

    Pav

    Comment


      #3
      Way to go, Rahul. Keep up the wonderful work.

      Comment


        #4
        Thanks !! Felt quite emotion after finishing the Half Marathon. With pain in legs and barely able to walk due to cramps ... I still felt top if the world !! Still being sober was the best thing that happened to me ...
        Rahul
        --------------------------------------------
        Rewiring my brain ... done ...
        Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
        Rebooting ... done ...
        Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

        Comment


          #5
          1000 days, great work there Rahul :-)


          :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

          Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
          I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

          This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

          Comment


            #6
            Mario

            You continue to be an inspiration ..
            Rahul
            --------------------------------------------
            Rewiring my brain ... done ...
            Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
            Rebooting ... done ...
            Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

            Comment


              #7
              Hi Rahul I just passing on what has been passed onto me from many members here, We might all come from different countries & backgrounds but we all have so much in common in this addiction in what we went through in suffering with it and in our own storys in fighting it, So how you doing today ?


              :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

              Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
              I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

              This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

              Comment

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