So I was a dud.
Boring guy
No friends
Super shy
Depressed
Then I found AL
Gave me that high
Gave me courage
To speak
To make friends
To talk
But I wanted to change
Opened up
Killed this shyness
Wanted to Improve
And so I did
Changing oneself is not easy
But since did
That was more than 10 years ago
Since then AL was always there to help
Gave me that friend I wanted
Helped me make new "friends"
But then AL consumed me
I realized I was trapped
Could not come out
I again wanted to change
Overcome
But found I could not
Tried so many times
But could not
Failed to stop
Make me more depressed
Make me realize I am just a dud
Still that same guy
But then why was I not proud of "myself"
Why I wanted more
I already had a lot
So much which many else didn't
Which was getting consumed by AL
Drinking alone at bar
Everyday..
Was no fun
AL was no fun
And where are those "friends"
I can't talk to them
What about my marriage
A mess
Collapsing at home everyday
That no life
I had to change
But how
When
I can stop
So I thought Everytime I picked that bottle
An excuse to myself to drink more
And for what ?
Then came my bottom
I was not on streets
But felt lowest of the lowest
I had to change but how
Daily guilts
Orning handovers
All that planning where and how to drink
I was getting consumed
Then I searched
Found MWO
Make an account
And what a name I chose
I am not sweet
Heck I used to use that name for online dating
Back when the concept of online dating was not even born
On college intranet
Way before internet first came in dialup modems
So Rahul "the sweet" as born
Who wanted change
Who wanted to accept myself
The way I am
No big desires
Except one
Kick the AL
The this sweet avatar of my chatted
Spemt hours on this site
Made some new friends
Was surprised that people replied!!
They offered help and advice
I am so self fish
Have always been
Wanted for myself always
Never helped
And here were thee fine folks helping
I travel a lot
Have been on road , bus, train and plane
since I started working back in early 2000
My first trip to Germany was a "freedom" trip
Free to drink beer
And so !much was available
Everywhere
Back then also I know I was drinking more
But I ignore
For next 15 years
I ignored that Inner voice
For the fine folks at MWO helped
Had a first 40 days sober
Wow it felt like top of world
Heck I can control this thing
Till I wanted into that Mexican restaurant in downtown Manhattan
And was back to me ... Drinking
Tried and failed
Tried and tried
Tell for the strength and help to hang on
To geneuinly love myself
To geneuinly be sober
60 days were hard
depression and mood swings came in
Traveling sober was hard
But I stayed sober
Then my mind opened
Started noticing small things life has to offer
There so much beauty in nature around me
Fresh rai Droplets on top of a flower
Sun set on a beach in Goa
That bird which sings a song look at clouds
That beautiful teen girl sitting at coffee shop reading a book
Things which I have forgotten to see
Like brighf lights at night with sober eyes
They felt so bright
"Daddy" the voice of my children who never knew that that means
There was so much beauty around me
Which I ignored
And where and what I was looking ?
Hunting ?
That bar
That bottle
I wanted more of it
I wanted to me
Just me...
Do what I wanted
Hiked mountains in Switzerland
Loved the sound of cow bells in clean fresh air
Then the small things
Bed time stories
I never did that with my elder daughter
She grew so fast
Where was I ? Bar
But know I see my younger son
Who looks up to me
Looooved the stories which my sober mind can come up
But I missed the high
I saw people getting the feeling of high we AL
But it was fake
I wanted more
Real
So with grace of God I discovered cycling
I rode and rode and rode
Past 2 years ...
I now was getting the high I wanted
I so could not related to people who would drink
I was with these new set of people
Who cycled
Who were crazy
Like me
Then came miles stones
First 30 km a bike
First 60 km on a mountain road
But wanted to reach the magical number of 100
Then I fell
Broke my knee
While travelling
Was in Spain
Cast and bed for 2.5 months
But didn't think of AL
Loved time I spent with family
Enjoyed the feeling of a kid who needs care
Played computer games
But wondered
With my broken knee
And huge cast
Will I ever walk again ?
Ride again
Run again
Stay sober for ever ?
That was one year ago.
Today I cried
Years came out when I saw the finishing line
Running is always hard
Especially when you trying to complete your first half marathon
Non stop .
Seeing the goal ahead just 300 meter away
I was in tears
I was running Delhi biggest and hard Marathon
21 km non stop aiming less than 2.5 hours
Ever since my fracture I have gone thru slow recovery
Cycling helped a lot
But running a half marathon what I was aiming for
Ever since I have AL.
Signed up last year as well but could not run due to my facture
But this year z
I was ready
They say you come cross moments
When life just flashes
I was in that trance
200 meters to go
And I felt so satisfied
Soon I will finish
Running was hard .. especially after 16km mark
But here I was
See the end in sight.
I wanted this moment
As I ran harder and faster in last few meters
I felt as if things are moving in slow motion
All that pain AL caused me came in front of me
Those years of drinking
Hating myself
That guilt
That pain
Feeling of being useless
Struggle with recovery
Trying and failing
So I finished the line in 2.26 minutes
Pround
I would never in my wildest dreams
thought of this moment
Me runing marathon ? I was an alcoholic
Sick guy, a liar a cheat
I am still a dud
A boring guy
But who cares ...
Now I can celebrate
Life
My 1000 days
SOBER !
Wonder what's next ....
Boring guy
No friends
Super shy
Depressed
Then I found AL
Gave me that high
Gave me courage
To speak
To make friends
To talk
But I wanted to change
Opened up
Killed this shyness
Wanted to Improve
And so I did
Changing oneself is not easy
But since did
That was more than 10 years ago
Since then AL was always there to help
Gave me that friend I wanted
Helped me make new "friends"
But then AL consumed me
I realized I was trapped
Could not come out
I again wanted to change
Overcome
But found I could not
Tried so many times
But could not
Failed to stop
Make me more depressed
Make me realize I am just a dud
Still that same guy
But then why was I not proud of "myself"
Why I wanted more
I already had a lot
So much which many else didn't
Which was getting consumed by AL
Drinking alone at bar
Everyday..
Was no fun
AL was no fun
And where are those "friends"
I can't talk to them
What about my marriage
A mess
Collapsing at home everyday
That no life
I had to change
But how
When
I can stop
So I thought Everytime I picked that bottle
An excuse to myself to drink more
And for what ?
Then came my bottom
I was not on streets
But felt lowest of the lowest
I had to change but how
Daily guilts
Orning handovers
All that planning where and how to drink
I was getting consumed
Then I searched
Found MWO
Make an account
And what a name I chose
I am not sweet
Heck I used to use that name for online dating
Back when the concept of online dating was not even born
On college intranet
Way before internet first came in dialup modems
So Rahul "the sweet" as born
Who wanted change
Who wanted to accept myself
The way I am
No big desires
Except one
Kick the AL
The this sweet avatar of my chatted
Spemt hours on this site
Made some new friends
Was surprised that people replied!!
They offered help and advice
I am so self fish
Have always been
Wanted for myself always
Never helped
And here were thee fine folks helping
I travel a lot
Have been on road , bus, train and plane
since I started working back in early 2000
My first trip to Germany was a "freedom" trip
Free to drink beer
And so !much was available
Everywhere
Back then also I know I was drinking more
But I ignore
For next 15 years
I ignored that Inner voice
For the fine folks at MWO helped
Had a first 40 days sober
Wow it felt like top of world
Heck I can control this thing
Till I wanted into that Mexican restaurant in downtown Manhattan
And was back to me ... Drinking
Tried and failed
Tried and tried
Tell for the strength and help to hang on
To geneuinly love myself
To geneuinly be sober
60 days were hard
depression and mood swings came in
Traveling sober was hard
But I stayed sober
Then my mind opened
Started noticing small things life has to offer
There so much beauty in nature around me
Fresh rai Droplets on top of a flower
Sun set on a beach in Goa
That bird which sings a song look at clouds
That beautiful teen girl sitting at coffee shop reading a book
Things which I have forgotten to see
Like brighf lights at night with sober eyes
They felt so bright
"Daddy" the voice of my children who never knew that that means
There was so much beauty around me
Which I ignored
And where and what I was looking ?
Hunting ?
That bar
That bottle
I wanted more of it
I wanted to me
Just me...
Do what I wanted
Hiked mountains in Switzerland
Loved the sound of cow bells in clean fresh air
Then the small things
Bed time stories
I never did that with my elder daughter
She grew so fast
Where was I ? Bar
But know I see my younger son
Who looks up to me
Looooved the stories which my sober mind can come up
But I missed the high
I saw people getting the feeling of high we AL
But it was fake
I wanted more
Real
So with grace of God I discovered cycling
I rode and rode and rode
Past 2 years ...
I now was getting the high I wanted
I so could not related to people who would drink
I was with these new set of people
Who cycled
Who were crazy
Like me
Then came miles stones
First 30 km a bike
First 60 km on a mountain road
But wanted to reach the magical number of 100
Then I fell
Broke my knee
While travelling
Was in Spain
Cast and bed for 2.5 months
But didn't think of AL
Loved time I spent with family
Enjoyed the feeling of a kid who needs care
Played computer games
But wondered
With my broken knee
And huge cast
Will I ever walk again ?
Ride again
Run again
Stay sober for ever ?
That was one year ago.
Today I cried
Years came out when I saw the finishing line
Running is always hard
Especially when you trying to complete your first half marathon
Non stop .
Seeing the goal ahead just 300 meter away
I was in tears
I was running Delhi biggest and hard Marathon
21 km non stop aiming less than 2.5 hours
Ever since my fracture I have gone thru slow recovery
Cycling helped a lot
But running a half marathon what I was aiming for
Ever since I have AL.
Signed up last year as well but could not run due to my facture
But this year z
I was ready
They say you come cross moments
When life just flashes
I was in that trance
200 meters to go
And I felt so satisfied
Soon I will finish
Running was hard .. especially after 16km mark
But here I was
See the end in sight.
I wanted this moment
As I ran harder and faster in last few meters
I felt as if things are moving in slow motion
All that pain AL caused me came in front of me
Those years of drinking
Hating myself
That guilt
That pain
Feeling of being useless
Struggle with recovery
Trying and failing
So I finished the line in 2.26 minutes
Pround
I would never in my wildest dreams
thought of this moment
Me runing marathon ? I was an alcoholic
Sick guy, a liar a cheat
I am still a dud
A boring guy
But who cares ...
Now I can celebrate
Life
My 1000 days
SOBER !
Wonder what's next ....
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