Day One Here...and scared!

[SoCali]

Hi all - I have read quite a few posts and threads here and I could swear I wrote some of them myself they're SO close to home for me! I've been what you'd call a functioning alcoholic - don't generally drink until the evening so by the time I'd be smashed, it would be after my kids were asleep, although I'm sure there were many times they could tell I was tipsy before that. I have quit several times and I justify the hell out of my drinking and make excuses why "today" isn't a good day because (insert whatever event, holiday, party was coming up). In 2016 I quit January and February but stupidly felt like I could moderate (which I CAN'T) so, early March I decided to have "a drink" after work one day. There have been very few days since then where I didn't drink, and I never just drank "a glass" of wine. Always drank until I passed out, usually late at night although I've driven "tipsy" more times than I can even count (stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!). I am now in the storm of dealing with my mom who is getting in the advanced stage of Alzheimer's and it's the worst, most horrible time of my life because I have to decide what to "do" with her and my stress level is OFF THE CHARTS. However, I know I must quit, and in spite of the crap storm I am heading for with my mom, it has to be now. I'm 54 years old and I'm already starting to feel like I'm losing my memory and having terrible problems concentrating so I'm freaking out that I already have early onset Alzheimers. I have read (as I'm sure most of you have) how terrible alcohol is for just about every organ when we drink to excess, and one of the organs that is damaged is the brain so I'm already panicking about the damage I'm causing! I also notice my feet and legs feel "heavy" for lack of a better word and my throat feels weird too so of course in addition to Alzheimers, I'm now convinced I have throat cancer and liver cancer. BAHAHAHAHAHA! The stupid thing is, all of these months, being worried about these things, weren't enough to make me freaking QUIT!!!! I have GOT to be strong this time, I have GOT to quit this horrible habit and beat the DEVIL that is my addiction.

Any words of advise or encouragement will be greatly appreciated. I'm scared I can't do it, and scared about dealing with my mom WITHOUT it, I'm scared I've already done irreparable damage to my organs and my brain and I feel totally alone as I don't know anyone else with an addiction problem - all of my friends are able to be casual drinkers so I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this. AND I'm embarrassed and ashamed to have this problem. My entire family and circle of friends drink and when I have quit in the past, I've been able to go out dancing with them, or go to a bar, and not drink but it was always in the back of my mind about how I wanted to drink.

Anyway, anything any of you can say that might help me get through not just this first night tonight but help me see a glimmer of hope for the future, I would be ever so grateful. Great, I'm sitting in my office at work crying like a big baby. HA!

[Guitarista]

Hi Socali, and welcome.

No advice from me, but i have plenty encouragement to offer you. Sounds like you are aware of the many perils of drinking to excess like all of us here do. Day 1 is a heroic first step to taking back your precious life. Great work so far. Get through these first few days and you will be off and running. You've done it in the past, but today are you safe to withdraw from booze on your own? Consider seeing a doc or nurse if you are not sure. Otherwise sip water regularly and eat what you can. Can you tell anyone else nearby for some support?

Here's some reading that you may find useful.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/monthly-abstinence/24253-tool-box.html

Encouragement - You can do this! stay connected friend.

[NoSugar]

Hey, SoCali, you found a great site to get the support you need. I quit when I was 54 - you really can teach an old dog new tricks :wink:.
In addition to reading the toolbox that Mr G mentioned, the Newbies Nest is a great place to hang out. Maybe just read back a few pages from the end and jump on in! You'll be very welcome :smile:

It is pretty likely that most of the damage you're worried about hasn't actually happened. Our bodies are amazingly resilient. But -- the sooner you quit, the sooner you'll have a chance to start healing and find out if there is anything you actually need to deal with. Maybe put all that on the back burner for now - not drinking is all you need to do for awhile.

It is scary to think of a life without a crutch but believe it or not, you'll get used to it quicker than you think and at some point you'll realize you're much more afraid of ever returning to alco-hell. You can do it and it sounds to me like you're ready.

All the best, NS

[abcowboy]

Hi SoCali, :welcome: to MWO. It’s a great place to rid yourself of the prison alcohol keeps you in, and if you stick with your quit, you’ll enjoy a freedom that you’ll never want to let go of.

You’ll get lots of advice and support here, there are many ways to quit and stay quit, so take what works for you and leave the rest. I can’t speak for others, but I can tell you that thinking you should quit, and knowing that you need to quit, won’t cut it. You must want to quit! A want that comes from deep within you that will make it easier to take the option of drinking off the table.

I quit on my 58th birthday, almost 2 years ago, and I’ve never felt better. All those aches and pains and worry about how badly I’ve damaged my body are gone now. I feel great, and my attitude and outlook on life has never been better.

Caring for an aging parent who is struggling with a mental challenge is not fun, I know. But I also know that dealing with that challenge and being there for them is so much easier when you’re sober! Your mom is going to need all the love, help, and support you can give her in the coming months and you won’t find those in the bottom of a bottle. They exist inside you, you just have to give them the chance to surface, and you can do that by making your life better.

It really is just one day at a time for all of us no matter how much sober time we have. It does get easier as that time increases, but you can start building that time today. Just don’t drink today and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Read, post, ask questions. Share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. But above all, when you get up each morning, make a firm commitment that your head is going to hit the pillow at bedtime sober….

[SoCali]

Oh wow - just spent some time reading the Tool box posts - wonderful advice, insight and encouragement there! Thank you so much for directing me there! Just noticed you've posted 18,861 times - WOW!!! I will be back often and will continue to read and re-read the information in the Tool box. I also know that stress and worry are enemies to being happy and healthy so it's back to daily meditation, taking my vitamins again, and trying to repair my body, heart and soul as best I can. I have 19 year old twins who have been the center of my WORLD until recently (since they're grown up now...) and I realize I've completely lost myself. Heck, I don't even have any hobbies anymore, other than eating and drinking! I've got to make a plan, just like the posts in the Tool box mention so that will be step one. I have just started seeing a counselor last week (for the first time) because as many of you have probably also experienced, it's a vicious, terrible cycle of self-hatred, self condemnation, and for me, the additional stress of dealing with my mom. I am 100% CERTAIN though, that when I wake up tomorrow morning without the guilt, hangover, self hatred for "doing it again" it will be the start to a better day.

One other thing that really helped me when I quit before was at first, when I'd go to a restaurant, I would look around and seek out the "lucky" people who "got" to drink alcohol, and how I was the ONLY one deprived of my beloved wine. UNTIL...I started seeking out the people who were drinking soda, or tea, or coffee, or water and I realized the majority of the other people there were actually NOT drinking alcohol. It really helped me a LOT and I'm going to keep that thought in the front of my little pea brain as I once again start this journey for what just has to be the last time. It really is overwhelming to think "wow. I'm never going to get to drink again" but I will really be working on the switch to "gratitude" instead of "deprivation". I realize it will be a LONG, scary road but I know it gets easier because by the time I got to the end of the two months last time I quit, it really wasn't that hard to be AF. I can only hope once you get to a year or two or FIVE it'll even be much easier still (fingers crossed...).

Thanks again Guitarista!!!

[SoCali]

Thank you NoSugar!!! I will hop over to the Newbies Nest and do just what you suggested! I am setting up all sorts of doc appointments and getting a FULL blood panel to see where I am as far as all of that goes, doing a treadmill test for my ticker tomorrow morning, got an appointment to have my throat checked out next Monday so I'm taking the bull by the horns and tackling the things that have been worrying me sick so that I can deal with them rather than drink to forget about them. This is a really helpful place and i can't wait for the day I can say "I've been AF for a week!" and then "a month" and then "2 months" etc, etc. And, I am going to come up with rewards for myself for each milestone, with a doozie for my one year anniversary!

[SoCali]

ABcowboy, you just made me cry, but in a good way. Such sage advice and encouragement and congratulations to you for two years of being rid of the beast!!! And, you are so right in that WHEN I wake up tomorrow morning with a clear head and pride in taking the first step (hopefully for the LAST time) at recovery, I will be better able to deal with my precious momma.

I'm not sure if I'm replying in the correct way so that they are showing up underneath WHO I am replying to so hopefully you will see my gratitude at you guys reaching out and offering me comfort and helping me not feel so alone in this journey. I really do WANT to quit, I want it ALMOST as much as I want to win the lottery...HA!

I know I'll be in a process or mourning the loss of my "liquid gold" as I used to call my chardonnay, and will have to come up with a new name for the crap that I have poisoned my body with. Just hope I haven't done too much damage to mend it...

Thanks again you guys - what a great support group here!

[Wine-no!]

Hi SoCali

Welcome to MWO! You are in good company here - it's such a supportive group.

I am sorry that your Mum is not well, it's not easy to see our parents like this. I am 100% sure that you will cope better without the alcohol than with it!

I am looking forward to chatting to you and encouraging you. Make sure that you have plenty of rest and lots of water.

YNo xx

[mario]

Welcome Socali to MWO, You have made a good decision to come here where you will get lots of help support & guidance from people who can totally relate to what your going through, keep reading & keep posting, share your question's & answers, Good luck & don't forget to give yourself a chance, no miracles here :-)

[Mr Vervill]

Welcome SoCali, as others have said, lots of support here. Feel free to ask about anything bothering you, and the fears you have. We've all been there. Many like me, way too many times, lol. Keep posting and reading despite any set-backs, real or perceived.
Also, feel free to jump into any thread, and don't worry about doing it right or wrong. You'll be welcome.
As a wise ol' byrd once said, I never met a sober person who wished they drank the night before.

[madonmehndi]

Hi SoCali, I am sorry to hear about your Mum.

I agree with what everyone else has said, MWO is THE best place to hang out and to get help with your quit, I am 24 days sober today, I am 47 years old and have been drinking since I was 14, wine was my poison of choice too and I loved the stuff until I finally realised it was robbing my of the life I should be living, I have been drinking every night (approx 1.5 bottles a night, more on holidays and weekends) for as long as I can remember with two breaks for pregnancy and not many more! This time I have changed my attitude, I actually WANT to be sober, i am done with looking around me and thinking 'why can't I have a drink like everyone else' - people who were drinking were always my focus and as you said I never noticed the vast number who actually weren't!

My world revolved around when I could drink and how much and I was never happy going anywhere I couldn't but since I stopped thinking I could moderate and realised that I need and want to stop completely I have been so much happier, if I can do it, anyone can! and I mean that sincerely, I never thought for one minute I could do this but I have and you know what, as hard as it is and as much effort as it takes it IS worth it!

My advice is keep posting on your thread, anything and everything you think of and everyone will try and help you get through the next few days/weeks/months or however long you need, and focus on yourself as much as you can, on getting sober and staying sober

[SoCali]

Thank you so much all of you! What a fantastic group of peeps here! I was so scared and felt so alone in all of this yesterday but you all, even though perfect strangers, have made me feel so much less "alone" in this! And, it feels GREAT this morning to feel GREAT! HA! On to day 2 today, and feeling optimistic and happy that I've finally made the decision to do this, and NOT think "at some point I'll be able to moderate" because I simply can't. One day at a time, as they say but after just one day, I am in a better mood, even whilst dealing with my mom because I DID it last night and don't have the self loathing and self disgust today. And, it's a BEAUTIFUL, sunny fall day here in So Cal so that sure helps!

Thanks again for welcoming me you all! And, I shall hop onto some other threads too, and will probably bombard everyone with questions and "how do you handle this" questions.

Ok, back to work I go - have a wonderful day and thank you all again!

[SoCali]

Ok, I lied - not back to work QUITE yet. BAHAHAHAHA!!! One of the (many) reasons I drank was because I have horrific insomnia and "drinking until I passed out" at least gave me a chunk of time to sleep (although I know my body was working overtime to process the poison I'd put into it, at least my BRAIN was silent...). So, I did not sleep for even ONE minute last night. Tossed and turned, binge watched STUPID tv shows, tossed and turned some more and literally, never fell asleep. I recall last time it took me probably about a week before I was sleeping semi well so I'm ready for that but here is my question - when (or DID) you tell your family and friends that you had a drinking problem or were an alcoholic? I'm not sure I feel like saying that to anyone now, or possibly ever because in my life, I have met many people who didn't "explain" why they didn't drink, they simply said "nope, I don't drink alcohol" with no explanation. Also met people who have said "yeah, I used to love to drink but quit a few years ago" with no further "reason". I know the 12 step programs and AA and all of that say to tell the world your an alcohol, and do all of their steps to recover but I just don't know if that's necessary so I'm wondering "what" you all have done and the reasons behind telling everyone and/or not. My guess is, if you DO tell your loved ones and friends, you would feel much less likely to drink again for fear of disappointing them, looking like a loser, etc and having them understand that you didn't just "quit drinking" (in which case, your drinking buddies would continue to tempt you: "come on man, you were much more fun when you were drinking!" versus them knowing you have a problem and being there to support you.

Anyway, look forward to your thoughts and input as I sit here contemplating what and when I will say...

[madonmehndi]

I have just told my daughter (23) that I have quit, she hasn't lived with us since she was 17 so she hasn't witnessed my slippery slope of AL thankfully! she was very supportive about it and said she thought I had made a good choice if I thought it was a problem. I haven't told any more of my family members yet or any friends, or anyone except people in the groups I attend, not sure when or if I will yet, I have decided to start on the 12 steps though so I may have to tell some or all at some point! Glad you are doing so well, keep up the good work

[KENSHO]

Welcome SoCali! Thanks for sharing your story. Some great words already said above, just wanted you to know that I read your story and that you CAN change your life and leave alcohol behind. And you will never regret it. Let us know what help you need. Do you have a plan in place? I found it really helpful to make a plan - for all those challenging times when I found alcohol staring me in the face. I cut up my booze credit card, drove home a different way (not past the liquor store), I put a non-alcoholic drink in my hands the minute I got home and stuffed myself with all the food and ice cream I could. People have found lots of things that help their particular triggers, and those who have planned ahead of time for how they would deal with them have had success. Good for you for coming here!