Day One Here...and scared!

[paulywogg]

Welcome to MWO SoCali you sound really good, one thing that I wanted to say is that I take a melatonin supplement called "Midnite" it's really good for sleep without making you feel sedated the next day,I can't make good decisions on lack 'o sleep,anyway just thought I'd mention it, I'll be following you in your journey

[abcowboy]

SoCali, I wouldn't worry about wondering if you should tell your loved ones that you're quitting because you have a problem with alcohol, they probably already know that but were afraid to say anything. I would say to tell your immediate family members, you'd be surprised at the support they can give you.

As far as everyone else, that's up to you. Most all my friends were drinking buddies, and most of them were shocked when I quit. They didn't think I had a problem, or they knew I did but were trying to make me feel better about quitting. Or maybe they were trying to convince me that I didn't have a problem so that they wouldn't lose a drinking buddy lol. All I know is that I didn't want to lie when asked why I wasn't drinking, God knows I lied enough to everyone while I was drinking and I was fed up with all the lies. Now, just about everyone Bubba and I know also know I don't drink and the reason why I don't drink. It makes it so much easier not to have to explain, and they all now have non alcoholic beverages on hand for me!

You are who you are, you can't change that, so you have to decide how open you are going to be. If others can't or won't accept that you don't drink then they aren't worthy of your friendship or love....

[mario]

Most all my friends were drinking buddies, and most of them were shocked when I quit. They didn't think I had a problem, or they knew I did but were trying to make me feel better about quitting. Or maybe they were trying to convince me that I didn't have a problem so that they wouldn't lose a drinking buddy lol. All I know is that I didn't want to lie when asked why I wasn't drinking, God knows I lied enough to everyone while I was drinking and I was fed up with all the lies. Now, just about everyone Bubba and I know also know I don't drink and the reason why I don't drink. It makes it so much easier not to have to explain, and they all now have non alcoholic beverages on hand for me!

You are who you are, you can't change that, so you have to decide how open you are going to be. If others can't or won't accept that you don't drink then they aren't worthy of your friendship or love....

Nail on the head there abcowboy, thanks for that.

How are you today Socali ?

[madonmehndi]

Hey So Cali, how are you doing today?

[SoCali]

Thank you for the insight you guys! I have started telling a few of my friends that I've quit drinking and since this is only my "day 3" at being AF, I am going to see how I feel once I get more time under my belt of being AF. Last night was a VERY rough night because of dealing with my mom and her dementia at the same time as trying to NOT drink and I just had a complete meltdown. Thank goodness for my daughter who saw that I was on the verge of bursting into tears over it all who said "hey grandma - let's do a puzzle!" and gave me a bit of time to go into my room to ball like a baby and get a grip. I was having a complete pity party and getting REALLY mad at myself for choosing "NOW" as my time to quit during one of the worst times in my life but then I said to myself "screw YOU wine! You are not going to beat me!!!". Then, I got out my favorite meditation music, plugged in the headphones and got in 25 minutes of meditation and honestly had probably THE best session I've ever had (I'm new to it and my mind goes a ZILLION miles a minute so I have a really hard time NOT thinking the entire time...). My normal meditation is to take about 5 minutes doing huge in breaths and exhales, and on the in breaths I think about breathing INTO my body all POSITIVES (kindness, love, forgiveness, confidence, compassion) and then on the exhale, breathing OUT of my body the bad stuff (fear, anger, anxiety, addiction). So, I did that and then followed it with relaxing from head to toe whilst mentally going from the top of my head slowly down to my toes, purposefully and conscientiously relaxing every muscle. And THEN (and here's the best part...) it just CAME to me in my meditation that I saw myself with chains on my arms, legs, neck, and I was walking in slow motion, towards a beautiful, serene oasis with flowers and beauty everywhere and behind me I envisioned darkness and ugliness and barren awful land and as I was walking in slow motion from the darkness into the light, and as the chains got tighter and tighter, I kept moving forward and walking towards the light and the chains just started snapping and breaking and I thought to myself, this is ME, in this hell, and I am finally, FINALLY, taking the steps to get out of this AL nightmare and into the beautiful life I WILL have on the other side. It was SOOOOO surreal because it just CAME to me in my meditation and it seemed so real and vivid that when I was done, I was no longer feeling sorry for myself, and was no longer pissed at the world because I couldn't have a damn glass of wine (or 5). My mindset was flipped 180 degrees. And I was calm enough and felt happiness again and was able to be loving and kind to my momma. Amazing experience and I'll use it FREQUENTLY through this battle. And of COURSE I'll struggle again, maybe even tonight! But...I got through last night and I am so proud of myself. )

You know what it feels like? A BAD breakup where you miss them SO much in the beginning, you cry over "what was" and "what you've lost" and for now, it feels icky and sad. But, as with every relationship (because let's face it - our alcohol and us IS a relationship...), time WILL heal all wounds and I'm looking forward to the day I can honestly say to myself "wow, I remember that bad relationship and I'm SO glad it's a distant memory".

Thanks again - you guys are all awesome!!!

[Lost Soul]

Hi SoCali, well done on day 3! I'm in my early days AF too, it's difficult at this stage but the community here is so very supportive - it has helped me a great deal. I'm pleased you could confide in friends in RL - I have a few friends who know about my alcoholism & find it quite a 'release' being able to be honest with them ☺
I'm very sorry about your mum, I think your daughter sounds very compassionate , to see you were upset & help - you sound like a super mum!
Wishing you all the best,
LS

[abcowboy]

I hear what you’re saying SoCali, I felt the same way when I first joined MWO, and I guess I still do to a certain extent and that’s why I only post on my century milestone days. And the only reason I do that is to let the newbie’s know that it can be done if you don’t give up on your quit. You’ve received enough responses about your feelings on the Roll Call, so I figured I’d post here, your thread…

A question that comes to my mind is when you stop being a newbie? 30 days? 100 days? A year? I don’t have an answer for that, but I feel that everyday is a new day for me, a new day to improve on myself, a new day to help others, a new day not to pick up that first drink. MWO is a very small forum as you can see by the active members, so everyone posts where they feel comfortable. Why not make your thread your Roll Call page, post each day about your sober time and how it’s changing your outlook on life. It really helps to have a place to write out your thoughts, especially when things get tough. Hang in there, everyone is here to help and support, however they think they can.

[SoCali]

Thanks ABCowboy - I hope I didn't offend anyone by my post - for goodness sake I would NEVER want to do that!!! MWO, and all of you amazing people are truly the ONLY thing that gave me the courage 21 days ago to take on this journey. It's hard to believe how SCARED I was just 3 short weeks ago, and how ALONE I felt. It feels like a lifetime ago in many ways. All of you have truly been the "wind beneath my wings" (to quote a very famous diva...HA!) and I truly thank each and every word you all have written (whether I commented or not - I've read hundreds of posts here and every one of them gives me something to think about, gives me much needed encouragement, and MOST of all, helps me feel part of a community of like minded people with a very important, common goal - sobriety!).

So, here I am at 21 days and I've got 7 more to come up with my FIRST milestone reward for myself. ) Oh wait - actually, I think I'll do that by "calendar" day so really, I have until December 28th as my official "one month sober" anniversary.

Hugs to all of you!

[Guitarista]

Congrats on 21 days free from booze SC! Good job.

[Marylou123]

Big congrats on a big three weeks SoCali. I love your posts - and transformation! Thank you so much for your contributions.

[SoCali]

Oh gosh - sorry you guys! I haven't been on my own thread for awhile (how rude of me...!). HA! But, want to thank you both for congratulating me on my 3 weeks of being AF! I am now on day 31 and decided I would "go back" to my very first post on here to see what I felt like back then. WOW! Is all I can say. Reading what I wrote 31 days ago, and remembering how incredibly SCARED I was truly seems like a lifetime ago. While it hasn't been a cake walk (especially because of dealing with my mom and her dementia almost 24/7!), it HAS been much easier than I originally thought it would be. I honestly rarely (other than Christmas day) have any real thoughts about drinking, nor have I dealt with any real desires or urges to drink, it's just not an option for me, and I easily go about my day without it. I've been out to dinner multiple times with friends / my mom who drink and it really doesn't bother me much at all. So, it's been easier than I thought it would be and I'm really REALLY looking forward to 2017 and being AF!!!

Some of the blogs y'all have referred me to have been very helpful and informative for me in my journey thus far. "Hip Sobriety" has REALLY changed my outlook on alcohol in general and has completely changed my mindset with regards to how I view myself, my relationship with alcohol, and the positive vibes I now choose to label myself with. To each his/her own, and of course whatever keeps us AF is all that really matters but I choose not to look at myself any longer as "an alcoholic". TO ME (and please don't judge - to each his own!!!) it just sounds so negative and has such a bag stigma around it and I don't choose to qualify myself in a negative light. I am simply, someone who chooses not to drink alcohol. I am choosing a clean life path and choosing to broaden my horizons and my choices in life, and my future 100 fold by no longer living with "tunnel vision", where everything I did revolved around one very small, damaging, unhealthy "thing", which was drinking. For years now (up until 31 days ago), every activity I did had to involve alcohol. Even activities that DON'T naturally include alcohol, I'd find a way to make sure we were drinking, either before, or sneaking wine "in" if there was none, or drinking afterwards. The bottom line is, I had tunnel vision, and alcohol was that tunnel. I am like a child again now...thinking about the millions of new things I will be able to try and learn, explore and experience now that I am no longer limited by my alcohol tunnel. I realize at 31 days sober, I am still very wet behind the ears but for lack of a better way of saying this, I feel like a newborn, seeing the world for the first time with my incredible sober eyes, looking for what new things I will GET to try and do, now that my options are unlimited, and now that there are NO thoughts of "getting to, wanting to, or needing to" drink in the back of my mind.

It's all incredibly liberating, and exciting and I just feel like my future is SO incredibly bright, I can't WAIT to really broaden my horizons and get my ASS out, enjoying life and really living. And I mean REALLY living...

Thanks to ALL of you for your continued inspiring words and thoughts, and for being so unbelievably instrumental in helping this So Cal girl get rolling down the right, AF path. And, to channel one of my other favorite blogs "tired of thinking about drinking", I see myself EVERY day in my little sober car, gaining momentum, and I see all of YOU wonderful people right there with me in YOUR little sober cars as we cruise down the sober highway together! In my mind, the sober highway runs alongside a gorgeous beach and it's always warm and sunny, and I envision my hair flying all around me (because of course, my sober car is a convertible!) and I'm happily waving to those of you who are ahead of me as I follow you along, and I see myself waving "come on, follow us!" to those of you newer than me. Childlike? Yes. Silly to many of you? Probably. But, it seriously makes me smile, and makes me incredibly happy so I'll be a silly childlike...COMPLETELY SOBER gal as I turn the corner into 2017.

XO to all of you!!!

[madonmehndi]

lovely post So cali, I have a vision of you as Penelope Pitstop now LOL!!! Happy Sober New Year to you!! x

[SoCali]

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Penelope Pitstop - oh my GOSH, I haven't heard that name in SO long but it sure conjures up a fun image of me in my own mind! So funny!!! As I recall, she wore a full on PINK suit and pink is my favorite color (or as you folks say on the other side...favourite! See, I'm learning!). HA!

Have a WONDERFUL weekend my sober sister! I'm so happy you fought through your craving the other day. You GO girl!

And here's a little "toot toot!" to you from my convertible... )