Abuse & Alcoholism

[Lost Soul]

I'm sorry If this upsets anyone - I feel guilty posting in the nest when so many regular members have had such sad & tragic experiences with losing loved ones & how at this time of year would wish things to be different. I'm struggling to cope with a relationship with my parents that I should be grateful they are here - and am. However I know if my mum passed away I'd be devastated, as anyone would - the difficulty I struggle with is I would also feel relief. I feel so much guilt about this I can't write. I cannot cope with it anymore - I will be fine, I don't want to die or any self harm. Feeling hopeless & what's the point? I know this is bad to be here - but can't see a way out

[abcowboy]

I guess the first question would be is why you feel the way you do about your parents? And I think this is one instance where counselling would help for sure! I know my counsellor helped me get over my feelings of hatred toward my ex-wife.

[Lost Soul]

I've posted alot more sensitive & personal stuff here, I just can't find the right words x thanks abc I will try harder x

[available]

LS i am sorry you are hurting or feeling guilty about your parents. As i was told you cannot pick your family members but you can pick your friends. I have a father who has not spoken to me for 24 years, probably a reason why i drank and felt if my own father didnt love me who would and a mother that drives me batshit crazy and sometimes decides not to talk to me for months because she cant and refuses to communicate which in turn makes me feel as if i have done something wrong.

Well i drank AT both my parents for many years and i swore i would never ever be like either of my parents with my children and i havent and i wont.

I still have my father to sort out by writing a letter but that will come when i am ready if he doesnt die before hand but at the end of the day LS THEY make their choices in life as we make ours. I chose to drink to hide how i felt and could have died but now i realise they are who they are. I still love my father in a way as he gave me life and my mother, well she still drives me batshit crazy and i treat her like a 2 year old when she goes on her rants.

You dont need to be grateful LS you just need to accept, you cant change who they are, you can only change yourself. I wish i had a good strong relationship like Jvo and others had with her mum but its not, i am envious of others who have lovely sweet mothers, mine is the mother from hell but she is my mum.

Sending you big hugs. xx
You are a strong, lovely, dependent soul, take that and appreciate who you are.

[paulywogg]

LS,I'm sorry you're feeling bad just wanted to say that sometimes just cuz we're related to someone doesn't mean we hafta like,love or even have them in our lives,I had a biological sperm donor(I refuse to refer to him as father) he was extremely abusive to me the one and only summer I went to stay with him,I have two brothers by him who I don't acknowledge as brothers cuz they laughed while he abused me yet now refuse to believe it happened, bottom line is blood is not thicker than water like the saying goes,hope you'll stick with us,we're here for you no matter what

[Lost Soul]

I know Ava - there is so much truth in your words, thank you xx

[mario]

LS i am sorry you are hurting or feeling guilty about your parents. As i was told you cannot pick your family members but you can pick your friends. I have a father who has not spoken to me for 24 years, probably a reason why i drank and felt if my own father didnt love me who would and a mother that drives me batshit crazy and sometimes decides not to talk to me for months because she cant and refuses to communicate which in turn makes me feel as if i have done something wrong.

Well i drank AT both my parents for many years and i swore i would never ever be like either of my parents with my children and i havent and i wont.

I still have my father to sort out by writing a letter but that will come when i am ready if he doesnt die before hand but at the end of the day LS THEY make their choices in life as we make ours. I chose to drink to hide how i felt and could have died but now i realise they are who they are. I still love my father in a way as he gave me life and my mother, well she still drives me batshit crazy and i treat her like a 2 year old when she goes on her rants.

You dont need to be grateful LS you just need to accept, you cant change who they are, you can only change yourself. I wish i had a good strong relationship like Jvo and others had with her mum but its not, i am envious of others who have lovely sweet mothers, mine is the mother from hell but she is my mum.

Sending you big hugs. xx
You are a strong, lovely, dependent soul, take that and appreciate who you are.

That's it available well said.

[Lost Soul]

Thank you Pauly & Mario, I am very sorry you experienced that Pauly, I think you are dealing with it in a very healthy way.

It is only in the last 4/5 years I've begun to deal with the effects of abuse at home & seeing for what it was. At the time I decided to confront my parents about it. I didn't do this expecting (but hoping!) for change in their attitudes or behaviour. It was more about sharing my perspective of the abuse & its effects honestly with myself and them. I had enough of carrying it & didn't want it anymore. There was also a small hope that by sharing a very painful truth it was also giving them the opportunity to look honestly at the situation & seek help to change. I believe this was the right thing to do because they likely learnt this behaviour & although not at fault for it - they are responsible for dealing with people & situations in a healthy way. They reacted in a typical way, denial, anger. Their reaction was sad but calling the abuse was helpful in letting go of shame and an important step in my dealing with it. I went no contact for about 8 months & worked on me :happy2:
I have a brother who is 7 years older than me. I've come to realise that my mum & dad didn't have children to raise in a happy healthy environment into adulthood but to sort of 'fill a void'. This became more difficult when we started to grow up & develop into individuals. Mum is the controlling one and dad is the enabler. She began rescuing cats as an alternative way to 'fill her void' I guess, at worst 'we' had 34 cats. Rescuing cats made her feel good and she placed more importance on this than considering the impact of growing up in these living conditions on my brother and self. Dad never stood up for us & just went along with it all. I still feel deeply ashamed of the way we had to live but know I shouldn't because 'I did not cause it, I am not responsible for it, I cannot fix it.' (Surviving is a work in progress)...
Abuse isn't a single incident - It's layers of damage & harm. I attempted suicide at 13 & was led to believe my brother left to live in a flat when he went to Uni because of 'my problems'. I was always the 'bad one' which was damaging to my own self esteem but now have learnt in abusive families it is common to have a 'scapegoat' and 'golden child' dynamic - it's something an abuser does to gain control. Not 'feeling safe' to feel emotions has lead to things building up in an unhealthy way so I try to allow myself to feel. The good and the bad and not be scared to do so.
Thank you for letting me share that bit of my past. It helps to get it out here as it's related to my alcoholism. X

[Pavati]

Lost Soul -

So sorry for your past. The amazing thing to me is that humans can live through the most incredible, awful circumstances and still survive. You're a survivor, LS. That's why you're here - to gain control of your life and the things you CAN control. In addition to the cycle of abuse, it sounds like mental illness might be in play?

Focus on you - do what you need to do to heal. Take control of what you can control. We're here for you!

Pav

[Lost Soul]

Thank you Pav,
I agree with you there is very likely mental illness is a contributing factor in all of what happened. I think I struggle to deal with the impact of my past experiences & how current difficulty with my parents seem to bring back alot of the old feelings again. It has felt too much but sharing has very much helped x
Thank you for you support xx

[canyouhearme]

Hi LostSoul -thank you for this post.

I struggled with this same type of problem for years, especially with my dad. Before my dad got sober, he would often act out in very cruel and viscous ways. He once threw a running chain saw at me and my brother -inside of our house. Even though he quit drinking, he remained a very mean man at times. My mom would watch my dad beat us with a belt and tell him to stop -while she sat there and cried -not stepping in and doing anything to stop him.

For many years, I held huge resentments against both of my parents. My story is certainly much longer and more detailed than this. Additionally, I, as a male, fully understand exactly how and why women sometimes stay with abusive men -often times -for years.

It was only after counseling and taking a deep look at myself that I was finally able to become 'me' -a free me. After 48 years of life, I finally learned the answer for me. It began by forgiving (and caring) for myself and was followed by me forgiving others and accepting (not expecting) others to be 'anything' other than what they are/were. Once that I finally had my own life and was responsible for my own own actions and thoughts, did I finally become Free. My new freedom only came after several months of being alcohol free and speaking with counselors and others.

Today, when anyone crosses the line to becoming abusive towards me, I do my very best to ignore them (which I do not always do) and try to convince myself that they have their own problems and are simply acting out in ways to help themselves feel better about themselves. The freedom that most of us seek starts with ourselves and that is the most difficult part of finding freedom that I know of.

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and posting.

[Orimus]

Re: Abuse & Alcoholism

<hugs>