So here I am on day one again, looking back and trying to figure out what I stumbled over this time. Am I still just circling around the same old story? Perhaps. So I started going through things to see how I felt about them because I know for a while I WAS stuck on the same old story instead of moving on with things.
So is it who I used to be before my ex-gf M? I don't get that longing feeling so I don't think so probably not.
Am I romanticizing the way things were with M? Hell no, I would never go back. After all that is where I started drinking so there is a reason for that. Nothing bad just not a healthy relationship. Of course for a while, towards the end, I was pushing forward thinking she would be with me. My drinking was under control for that period. Not absent just moderate.
Of course I have been single since breaking up with her back at the beginning of 2014 with a total of 4 dates between two women since. And that wasn't until this year.
The second of those two women (GM) .... that does bother me. Texting every day for over two weeks, 3 of those 4 dates and she was the one that said that eharmony did well by us. Then two days after we start sending X's and O's she's sick at work and says she shouldn't be around anyone, only hear a few times from her in the next few weeks and then tells me she decided she just wants to be on her own right now and she doesn't want to make me wait. Bit of a bender followed for a few weeks but of course I had to think - maybe I was disappointed but was it really her that I was drinking at? Anyway, until we met I was developing a course of action to resolve some midlife angst before I started looking again so I told her if things change I can wait awhile.. Of course I was drunk so it didn't quite come out that way but thankfully I was just responding to her text.
I mean everything really is just fine. Good job, good pay. A roof over my head, food to eat is not a problem. A little anxious that I'm a 42 year old man living in a studio apartment and not moving up anytime soon but I've got a plan for that. First step clean up my credit report using some advice I got to clean up information that hasn't expired yet.
So what the hell did I stumble over last night? Is it just my patience worn thin, my frustration tolerance still low? I've got the plan, putting one foot in front of the other. Just feel unmotivated I guess, nothing that I really need to do besides sleep, eat and work. Of course that would make life a little dull. Not that I have a hopping social life. See friends a couple of times a month, family every once in a while. Of course I keep up the stupid s!*t I've been doing while drunk on social media - message, text, post ..... C$!*! .... texting GM to see how she is doing ....C$!*! .... wasting money on the al itself which means I'm spending more on cigs and food because I'm not cooking at that point. C$!*! Other than the dings on my credit report (well, actually, it's in pretty bad shape) my finances are right where I want them to be right now so ......
So I got trashed last night, ended up forwarding something that was sent to me about a kidnapped kid to all my Facebook Messenger groups. Sure that's going over well. Not wrong but I should've been a little more discriminate about how i sent it. <sigh> And then I signed up for Match.com and apparently sent an email so when I canceled the account this morning I was ineligible for a refund. I do see clues to why I'm drinking though and my angst about the studio apartment is not about the apartment.
So what should I be doing? Well when I finally broke it off with M my drinking was starting to escalate and spending less and less time at the dojang until I wasn't going at all. (of course it does give me cause to think since my drinking was as bad that summer as it had ever been and I started here in April.) Been just about two years now since I've been there at all and I plan on getting back, been waking up at 5:30 every morning and either my brother texts me to make sure I'm up or I text him - the plan to exercise. For him that's running and the gym, for me I'm supposed to be meditating and practicing either yoga or qigong or kung fu and then doing some writing with the idea of getting published again. (and yes that was a horrible sentence grammatically speaking.)
I have these plans, I'm excited about these plans and yet ..... when it comes to it I just have no damn motivation, no energy. It doesn't seem to help to tell myself to just get up and do it, get off my a$$.
I need to F*!&#$* relax. I think that is really what helped me get to 2 months sober. Of course that was forced by the anal fissure that still took a few more months to heal and my muscles are still shifting back into place.
Breathe in, breathe out. Past time to eat.
So is it who I used to be before my ex-gf M? I don't get that longing feeling so I don't think so probably not.
Am I romanticizing the way things were with M? Hell no, I would never go back. After all that is where I started drinking so there is a reason for that. Nothing bad just not a healthy relationship. Of course for a while, towards the end, I was pushing forward thinking she would be with me. My drinking was under control for that period. Not absent just moderate.
Of course I have been single since breaking up with her back at the beginning of 2014 with a total of 4 dates between two women since. And that wasn't until this year.
The second of those two women (GM) .... that does bother me. Texting every day for over two weeks, 3 of those 4 dates and she was the one that said that eharmony did well by us. Then two days after we start sending X's and O's she's sick at work and says she shouldn't be around anyone, only hear a few times from her in the next few weeks and then tells me she decided she just wants to be on her own right now and she doesn't want to make me wait. Bit of a bender followed for a few weeks but of course I had to think - maybe I was disappointed but was it really her that I was drinking at? Anyway, until we met I was developing a course of action to resolve some midlife angst before I started looking again so I told her if things change I can wait awhile.. Of course I was drunk so it didn't quite come out that way but thankfully I was just responding to her text.
I mean everything really is just fine. Good job, good pay. A roof over my head, food to eat is not a problem. A little anxious that I'm a 42 year old man living in a studio apartment and not moving up anytime soon but I've got a plan for that. First step clean up my credit report using some advice I got to clean up information that hasn't expired yet.
So what the hell did I stumble over last night? Is it just my patience worn thin, my frustration tolerance still low? I've got the plan, putting one foot in front of the other. Just feel unmotivated I guess, nothing that I really need to do besides sleep, eat and work. Of course that would make life a little dull. Not that I have a hopping social life. See friends a couple of times a month, family every once in a while. Of course I keep up the stupid s!*t I've been doing while drunk on social media - message, text, post ..... C$!*! .... texting GM to see how she is doing ....C$!*! .... wasting money on the al itself which means I'm spending more on cigs and food because I'm not cooking at that point. C$!*! Other than the dings on my credit report (well, actually, it's in pretty bad shape) my finances are right where I want them to be right now so ......
So I got trashed last night, ended up forwarding something that was sent to me about a kidnapped kid to all my Facebook Messenger groups. Sure that's going over well. Not wrong but I should've been a little more discriminate about how i sent it. <sigh> And then I signed up for Match.com and apparently sent an email so when I canceled the account this morning I was ineligible for a refund. I do see clues to why I'm drinking though and my angst about the studio apartment is not about the apartment.
So what should I be doing? Well when I finally broke it off with M my drinking was starting to escalate and spending less and less time at the dojang until I wasn't going at all. (of course it does give me cause to think since my drinking was as bad that summer as it had ever been and I started here in April.) Been just about two years now since I've been there at all and I plan on getting back, been waking up at 5:30 every morning and either my brother texts me to make sure I'm up or I text him - the plan to exercise. For him that's running and the gym, for me I'm supposed to be meditating and practicing either yoga or qigong or kung fu and then doing some writing with the idea of getting published again. (and yes that was a horrible sentence grammatically speaking.)
I have these plans, I'm excited about these plans and yet ..... when it comes to it I just have no damn motivation, no energy. It doesn't seem to help to tell myself to just get up and do it, get off my a$$.
I need to F*!&#$* relax. I think that is really what helped me get to 2 months sober. Of course that was forced by the anal fissure that still took a few more months to heal and my muscles are still shifting back into place.
Breathe in, breathe out. Past time to eat.
you'll get this,as you know the first weeks are an emotional rollercoaster, dips in serotonin as you say,I actually feel like a lot of meds and stuff cause that, what kind of supps did you order,just curious, I'm sending you strength
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