Ruminations and Reflections

[Lost Soul]

Glad to hear it :happy2: sticking close to support is so helpful x
Hope your feeling better
LS

[mario]

How you doing now Orimus ?

[Orimus]

A solid two weeks in and feeling good despite the lack of sleep. (she has been a fickle mistress. )) Just got back from 36 hours at a Zen Buddhist Monastery and hours of sitting zazen. Had to leave early because of the snow so missed the last two sessions but .... Going to grab something to eat and jot down some of my reflections so I have them in front of me so to speak.

And I never answered you, Pauly, about Rational Recovery. I did read up on them as well as Smart Recovery and Refuge Recovery. Both RR and SMART Recovery stem from the works of Albert Ellis so I've been going back through one of his books that's been sitting on my shelf since my college days - Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings and Emotions. I haven't yet, however, picked up his book When AA Doesn't Work For You: Rational Steps to Quitting Alcohol. Trying not to musturbate or awfulize about it though. (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy: Theoretical Developments - Google Books) LOL

[Orimus]

Ok, so thoughts from my path -

15 days ago at this time I was on my way to being completely trashed. Ended up drunk texting GM again despite removing her number from my phone and deleting all texts. Problem was I kept her number written down and apparently was motivated enough to go get it. Well, she texted me back thus proving she wasn't blocking me - asked me to please stop texting. So I erased her number because that is the only way I could guarantee that I wouldn't slip, get drunk and text her again. Next day I felt lighter. What a concept! A couple days later I had to ask myself what the *$!# have i been doing. Can I plead temporary insanity your honor?

Anyway. So what is the lesson? What had I been doing? Well the first thing is last time I saw her we both mentioned feeling giddy and that is when I decided to find out how far things would go with us rather than just dating. Turns out that giddy feeling could've been actual biochemistry. Apparently during the courtship phase of a relationship which could start within the first couple of dates stimulates the reward center of the brain as well as suppressing activation in the pre-frontal cortex. There is also a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine. Thus feelings of euphoria, intrusive thoughts and compulsions etc.... Many of the same traits we find with our addictions. Anyway, simply speculation since I didn't have an fMRI handy only a mutual sense of "giddiness". A pretty narrative as to why I hit the bottle so hard when she pulled her 180 while still struggling to stabilize sobriety since my colonoscopy in August. Does make one wonder if part of why it is suggested to not get into a relationship until one has had a year of sobriety is based on observations of the physical manifestations of this biochemistry. Also makes me wonder if addiction itself is not a hijacking of this natural reward system.

However I cannot blame my drinking on an accident of biochemistry. They are only thoughts and can be acted upon or not. Forewarned is forearmed.

Of greater and broader concern is the quality of my actions. What was I doing or trying to accomplish? I have to resolve myself that I seem to have been trying to solve what I perceived as a problem. When GM pulled a 180 two thoughts occurred to me: 1) Did I screw up? (perversely I vividly recall telling myself 'do not screw this up'.) 2) She got scared and started putting up walls, running away. Now I've always held that there is nothing broken that cannot be fixed. If we can't fix it there are only two possible reasons: 1) We don't know enough. 2) It's not broken, it's a fact of life. Debating if I need to include a third category - other people's problems. With other people's problems if one is not asked one is powerless OR it is not a problem for them it is only perceived as a problem by oneself. The other option is simply to place this in category 2. It's a fact of life. Either way the only thing to do is let it go.

So good sober me wished her well and if things changed (she decided she wanted to 'be on her own right now') I would be happy to hear from her. Of course once I started listening to Glen(livet) I had to push and find out if I did something and when she said that she just didn't want me to have to wait for her and couldn't tell me to go away was very indignant that she would make that decision for me. (Damn you Glen!)

To get away from the romantic insanity the result goes back to my, for lack of a better word, ego. (I'm sure there must be a better word. The Freudian concept is so misused by popular parlance.) Then, of course, is it the defensiveness of a wounded ego that retreats into the bottle? Does the whole episode simply illustrate that I have a need to solve problems, go out of my way to look for problems to solve and may be doing that as a means of avoidance? So I have to look back to M with whom I started down the rabbit hole.

Or maybe not. Two Monks and a Woman - a Zen Lesson | KindSpring.org

Time to light the incense, sound the chime and train the monkey mind who's sitting there with his coloring book and starting to go outside the lines. Maybe the nice shiny chimes, maybe a mocha frap ..... so many choices. LOL

[Lost Soul]

Hi Orimus,
I think theyre may be a Facebook page dedicated to 'drunken texting' - alot of people who don't have any problem with AL do it, (especially if you like someone) so try not to feel too bad, although it is worse when we DO like someone...
It's hard to know why some relationships don't work, and there's nothing wrong with asking someone why they've changed their mind, in the hope they might offer honest constructive criticism (if you have done something wrong). However it may just be something that isn't & shouldn't be changed about you & you just have different ideas/views about stuff. It could just be a fact of life & whilst it can hurt if you like them, the other view is that perhaps GM/M are not suitable for you & it might just be you will meet someone else who fits who you are better? It still hurts in the here & now so sending a hug & congratulations on 15 days!
Take care
LS

[Orimus]

That is pretty much where my mind is at LS and I'm at peace with the particulars. Just digging through to see if there is a deeper and wider context since my drinking seems to be a way that I've been filling that need for connection. A more clinical perspective if you will. But I do think that you are right in that that well is dry and I'm simply beating a dead horse to mix metaphors. I do have a tendency to over think. Not that I think once I've got a reason sussed that I can go back to drinking. That ship has sailed and is a different life.

Monkey mind was not satisfied with the chimes so Mocha Frap it was and a long drive. Had the nagging thought that I'm missing something, some ... oh, hell. Over thinking, over analyzing and the ego is laughing happy and fat as monkey mind looks for another puzzle to solve. <sigh> Thanks for the mirror.

[Orimus]

Re: Ruminations and Reflections

Test

[mario]

Re: Ruminations and Reflections

Hi Orimus how you doing ?

[Orimus]

Re: Ruminations and Reflections

Very well my friend. Was just playing around with the notifications. Apparently we're not notified on our own posts so the above test did not give the desired result. Only makes sense though.

How's all in your world?

[mario]

Re: Ruminations and Reflections

I am doing very well, All is going good on the all fronts, I finding the meditation and other work i do on myself to be a huge help in my everyday ups and downs.