Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

[SoCali]

So, after more than NINE WEEKS of being AF, and dealing with my mom (who has moderate dementia now and can't be left alone so she was living with me until I placed her into a home on Monday, just 4 days ago) I consoled myself by drinking. After nine damn WEEKS!!! I STUPIDLY thought that because it was actually pretty easy for me to quit, perhaps I really COULD moderate... So, I have now drank for the last 4 nights in a row. I know I CAN'T drink, I know I MUST be sober and I HATE IT!!!! I want to be able to drink and be in CONTROL like everyone else I KNOW and I'm just really pissed OFF that I can't. so dammit, here I am again, back to effing DAY 1. And, I'm not scared this time, I'm just mad and I need to find a way to NOT be mad about having to be sober. I know it doesn't do me ANY good to be pissed off, it is what it is, and I'm being a whiner by thinking "poor pitiful me - can't drink like all of my friends...what am I going to DO for fun?!?". My mom has lived with me since November so when I quit for those nine weeks, she was pretty much with me 24/7 and it was like dealing with a toddler full time so I was always busy (frustrated as HELL but always busy). Now that she's in the home, I will once again be able to finally see my friends and go out and DO things but I don't even know what to DO anymore! Everything always revolved around drinking (Happy Hours, dinners, going to bars, going dancing, etc, etc). So, when I quit back in November, I didn't have to "deal" with my real life since my world revolved around my mom and taking care of her. I'm just so mad at myself and knew I could come here and vent about my asshole-ness.

Grrrrr.....so, Day 1 for me again today.

[tonyniceday]

We've all been there... a good period of sobriety and then for whatever reason we open a bottle...just tohave one, mind, because we can control it...yeah right....

Dont beat yourself up over this...Big things changed and all you've done is prove to yourself what we all already know...we can't have ONE... yes you may be back to day 1 again...just stick with us here and we'll try to help you get through this

[paulywogg]

I hear you,loud and clear I drank today,fell off the wagon,I just did.not.care.I'll care tomorrow of course,shit.

[SoCali]

Thanks Tony - I know I just need to brush myself off and get back into my little sober car and hop back onto the sober highway. Just pissed off about it though. I haven't been on here for a few weeks, but welcome to you and congrats on doing this!

Pauly - I'm sorry you've done this too and yeah, you'll care tomorrow but like they say - "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" so, we just have to remember that and start over! I was just so incredibly UPSET about having to put my precious momma into a freaking HOME with a bunch of other people with dementia, and while I know it HAD to be done, I'm just devastated about it. She was the strongest woman I've ever met and so to see this effed up disease ruin her brain and turn her into this scared little bird, it's just more than I can even take. She drove me insane with the constant repeating herself over and over and irritating the crap out of me I always joked "what the HELL - if I can get through living with her like this and stay sober, I can stay sober through ANYTHING!" because it was so upsetting and frustrating. And, here I am - the FIRST day she's in the home and I decide (consciously, mind you - I made the DECISION ahead of time that I would drink - planned it out and everything!) and I have drank every night since. The only thing I am actually happy about is that I DIDN'T purchase MORE wine and bring it home - I just went out to restaurants where I used to go all the time when I was drinking every day. But, back in my old drinking days, I would then always stop by the store for a bottle of wine...because you know, 3 glasses just wasn't enough!!! So, at least I managed to not do that during the last 4 days. I just really hate that for some stupid reason, I can no longer drink like a normal person. I've been able to my WHOLE LIFE until just a few years ago. I'm not sure what snapped or what changed but out of the blue, and all of the sudden, I "had" a drinking problem. For the prior 25 years, I was a normal drinker - that's what kills me!

Anyway, back to day effing one. I don't know why I'm so pissed off this time - I was not this MAD when I quit before...HA! I guess I need to get back onto the sober blogs and try to get "happy" about being mother effing sober. Grrrrrrr....

[mario]

Socali Back to the drawing board , As been said a lot of us have been there, Learn from your mistakes & be ready for them witching hours that just come out of no where & plan your stragedy in how to beat them as they most certainly will come.

Our addicted minds are so clever in that they trick us into saying ah sure just one will do, we can handle that, you deserve it. That's why we know its not just a physical cravings we suffer from but our mental cravings to.

Go for it Socaili

[madonmehndi]

Hi SoCali, don't beat yourself up, you know your mistake and are here admitting it to yourself and to us so you can fix it get back in your little car and follow me, I am parked up waiting for you xxx

[SoCali]

Thanks you guys - I have a big smile on my face right now as I see me in my cute little convertible sober car, revving my engine and waving up at you guys (although Mario, you're so far ahead of me on the sober highway, I believe you're coming up BEHIND to lap me...HA!). Anyway, not beating myself up anymore - over that! Does me NO good whatsover, and I'm not even considering myself a failure. I really thought because I was doing SO well, and it wasn't that hard to "not drink" that perhaps I would be able to moderate. Well, I knew within the first few SIPS Monday night that that wasn't going to be the case, as I was already thinking about the NEXT glass of wine, and the one after that. So! This was just a lesson to teach me once and for all, I can't moderate. I need to be sober, and I really do WANT to be sober. Ordered a handful of highly recommended books a couple of weeks ago but with all that was going on with my mom I haven't even had the chance to bust 'em open. This weekend will be my "stop the pity party" about my momma AND my inability to drink, and I will do all sorts of physical and emotional cleansing. My moms room still has a bunch of her things in it - need to pack it all up and get the room back to being a guest room, and all sorts of other things. It will be a good weekend for my house AND my soul! And, it'll be an AF weekend for me, for certain.

Thanks again you guys - SO appreciate the support!

XOXO

Vroooom Vrooooom.... :congratulatory:

[Lost Soul]

Hi So Cali, so sorry you drank but you have got really super advice & are sounding so much better. 9 weeks is awesome & you should be so proud of what you've achieved, let it add to the confidence you have on your next sober steps :happy2:
Take care
LS

[abcowboy]

SoCali, the next time you think you deserve a drink, or think you can handle just having one or two, imagine that drink as the proverbial gun with only one bullet in the chamber. Sooner or later that drink, or that one pull of the trigger, and the life you want will be gone....

[little beagle]

I like that Cowboy.
SoCali I too always plan for Many drinks. Not just one. You and your convertible made me smile. Race ahead and enjoy the ride.

[lex]

I learned a lot from my slip a few years ago. I learned about that one bullet in the chamber that AB mentioned above. And that I wasn't willing to, or able to, moderate. Or both. Not the least bit interested. So now I've been two years sober and I really like it. I know if I go back to it, I will not be willing to, or able, moderate. I'll drink however much I feel like drinking. No big deal most of the time, but when its bullet time, its bullet time. I don't have much say in it- it'll happen when it happens, with no prior warning. So I am really happy avoiding the whole situation. And no more grogginess and dull hangovers to boot- what a gift!

[Neo]

Don't beat yourself up. I did a number of 40 odd + day stints over the last year and screwed up but proud I did at least try and made some decent efforts . Last night I drank and have a cut under my foot (I don't know how it got there, can't remember) Other stuff I've done is banged my head against the shower rail (Done 3 days ago) blood gashing everywhere (pissed as minoxidil was restoring hair loss but now have gash on head) and maybe not due to alcohol, knocked a tooth out that had a root canal done 24 years ago, prob going to come out anyway as loose but after a few cans, tripped and knocked it out 4 months ago so getting dental implant

So for me it's a proud Day 1 again, done well before and can do it again

Was this last month of on and off drinking worth it, NO But I developed a great diet and tools over the last year that I can use to fight again. So here I sit with a mild hangover knowing that last night just wasn't worth it and can retweet a proud Day 1 in roll call as the Donald Trump can on his twitter account

Also noting I can't handle alcohol like I could 10 years ago, so always have valium in my toolkit as an ex drinker, even if I've done a couple of months straight and serves me well should I ever come unglued .ATM going to have a good healthy salad sandwich and shower and believe if you have a good healthy diet, you can recover quite quickly.

[Pavati]

Hi,

Byrdie talks about quitting as being a loss, so it is natural to go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think it is perfectly natural to be angry. I was. I really, really, really wanted to be "normal."

The acceptance stage is wonderful. I want to be normal. I want to be a size 6. Blah blah blah. Not going to happen. And NOW? Good riddance to that old "friend" alcohol. I do all of those things - bars, parties, dancing, concerts - without alcohol, and it is great. Honestly. I know you don't believe me because I didn't believe others ahead of me, but it is true. I do get home earlier as a general rule as once the slurring starts I'm not as interested, but I really no longer feel like I'm missing out. In fact, I feel like they're missing out. They will feel crappy all day the next day while I'll be able to get on with living.

Anyway - so glad you're back. Sorry you drank (you, too, Pauly and Neo). Chalk it up to experience, figure out a plan to get through the next temptation, and come back aboard.

xo
Pav

[Nursie]

So, after more than NINE WEEKS of being AF, and dealing with my mom (who has moderate dementia now and can't be left alone so she was living with me until I placed her into a home on Monday, just 4 days ago) I consoled myself by drinking. After nine damn WEEKS!!! I STUPIDLY thought that because it was actually pretty easy for me to quit, perhaps I really COULD moderate... So, I have now drank for the last 4 nights in a row. I know I CAN'T drink, I know I MUST be sober and I HATE IT!!!! I want to be able to drink and be in CONTROL like everyone else I KNOW and I'm just really pissed OFF that I can't. so dammit, here I am again, back to effing DAY 1. And, I'm not scared this time, I'm just mad and I need to find a way to NOT be mad about having to be sober. I know it doesn't do me ANY good to be pissed off, it is what it is, and I'm being a whiner by thinking "poor pitiful me - can't drink like all of my friends...what am I going to DO for fun?!?". My mom has lived with me since November so when I quit for those nine weeks, she was pretty much with me 24/7 and it was like dealing with a toddler full time so I was always busy (frustrated as HELL but always busy). Now that she's in the home, I will once again be able to finally see my friends and go out and DO things but I don't even know what to DO anymore! Everything always revolved around drinking (Happy Hours, dinners, going to bars, going dancing, etc, etc). So, when I quit back in November, I didn't have to "deal" with my real life since my world revolved around my mom and taking care of her. I'm just so mad at myself and knew I could come here and vent about my asshole-ness.

Grrrrr.....so, Day 1 for me again today.

Sucks Socali.

I've been there a bunch of times. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I know that I have never ever ordered/bought/opened a drink and honestly thought I was only having one. If I am drinking, you can bet your ass I am DRINKING and there is no off switch ever.
I'm not mad anymore. I'm glad I don't have to argue with myself. I hope you find this peace too!

[paulywogg]

How are you doing SoCali?