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Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

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    #16
    Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

    Thanks you guys - I am once again back to day one today....won't bore y'all with the details but I stupidly went to the PGA golf tournament up in LA yesterday, an annual event which I have associated with drinking for many YEARS now. I KNEW I should have just NOT gone this year because of my recent "falling off of the wagon" situation but seeing those amazing golfers up close and personal was just too much of an enticement (and I'd already bought the ticket months ago and it wasn't cheap...). If this event would have been before I blew it last week, I probably would have been much stronger but yesterday, after awhile I just said "what the hell - I'm only on day seven, I'll just start over again tomorrow". WTH kind of thinking is THAT?!? So......back to square one / day one today. And, I have another SHIT situation going on in my world - as of last night, my brother and his wife have now moved in with me as they were homeless and she is sick. So....I just start trying to get back to normal after moving my mom into a home, and now have THEM living with me. And while my sister in law is sweet as pie, she drives me CRAZY because she never shuts up. So.....I'm going into this weekend with nothing but utter DREAD, not even wanting to be in my own home because they will be there, 24/7, in my living room, tv blaring, etc, etc. I swear I'm not normally a whiner, at ALL but the last 4 months have really been CRAP! Anyway, no excuses - having them irritate the CRAP out of me isn't a reason to drink so I will just have to be strong and get through it somehow.

    Please don't count me out yet people! I really DO want to quit drinking. Truly! And I know I can do it I just need to get my head back in the right place. Plus, I can't help them find a place to live if I'm half crocked... HA!

    Ok little sober car, here I come again...
    Last edited by SoCali; February 17, 2017, 07:08 PM.

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      #17
      Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

      Glad you're back and ready to fight SoCali,I understand the thinking of "well I already broke my sober streak,I'll start again after this" stupid AV and how it torments our thinking! Sorry you hafta deal with more family issues,make sure its only temporary just to help them get on their feet though,you come first.See ya on the freeway of sober road
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
      Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

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        #18
        Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

        You're not giving up on yourself SoCali, and that's what counts! We won't give up on you either!
        Quitting and staying quit isn't easy, its learning a whole new way of thinking. It's accepting a new way of life, and not just accepting it, embracing it...
        Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Just get through today. Tomorrow will look after itself when it becomes today, because today is all we have to think about.
        Friendship is not about how many friends you have or who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you", and proved it.

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          #19
          Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

          Hi SoCali, you are right, never give up if we do what's left? Your home situation sounds very stressful, it would be helpful if you could take yourself out of there for a few hours in the evenings, even for a long walk.
          Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

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            #20
            Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

            Hang in there SoCali! Wow, that is a lot. You sound like you have a good attitude though, yep, you can't really help them if you don't feel good . . . I so get the "talkers". I have many in my family. Sometimes I just can't process all the words!

            Can you find a quiet place in your house? Move a comfy chair in your bedroom so you can watch Netflix with headphones??

            I hope today goes well for you. Good vibes coming your way . . .

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              #21
              Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

              Hey so Cali,
              Gosh you have had a really tough time recently, I think if I had my brother & his partner living with me I'd really struggle too x It is really kind of you to help them out although I hope they can get a place sorted out soon for your benefit x How's your mum doing? Has she settled okay? Will be thinking of you & sending thoughts of strength x
              Take care
              LS
              To see a world in a grain of sand
              And a heaven in a wildflower.
              Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
              And eternity in an hour.

              Comment

                #22
                Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

                SoCali, how are you?

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                  #23
                  Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

                  Cali. There was one sentence "why can't I just be normal like everyone else. NEWSFLASH nobody is normal. You are aware now that you can't drink at all. anymore. I think a lot of anger, frustration and resentment all bubbled over at once. It was the perfect storm for a relapse. Also, you quit posting. People who post here daily have the greatest sobriety. It really works, so jump back on board.
                  Enlightened by MWO

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                    #24
                    Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

                    Hi So Cali,
                    Thinking of you as well & hope you are doing okay xxx
                    Take care
                    LS
                    To see a world in a grain of sand
                    And a heaven in a wildflower.
                    Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
                    And eternity in an hour.

                    Comment

                      #25
                      Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

                      Thanks you all - I am doing good. Thankfully back to just me and my daughter living at home so all is settling back down. On day 11 today and honestly, it's not difficult for me at all to be AF during normal days, it's the "drinking events" (like the PGA golf tourney 2 weeks ago) that are hard for me. I have basically drank 5 times since November 28th (4 nights in a row, and then the one day at the golf tourney) and it's not hard, at all, to stop again afterwards. I know everyone says it gets harder and harder to quit but for me, it's been the opposite. In other words, I don't go "all the way back" to drinking how I used to drink and I think the almost 10 weeks of sobriety are basically still "with" me, for lack of a better word, as I don't obsess over alcohol anymore, like I did back in November when I originally quit. So, it's not that tough for me, thankfully. Also back to meditating and started walking again (soon to start jogging too!) and, once I get caught up at work, I'm going to really have a heart to heart with myself and figure out what I want in life and start setting goals again and all of that good stuff. So! All is well out here in So Cali and I am, once again, rolling along the sober highway, gaining momentum every day. )

                      Thanks again you all!!!

                      Appreciate all of you guys and your input and support!

                      Comment

                        #26
                        Re: Oh my GOSH - I am so freaking MAD at myself I could scream...

                        Hi So Cali,
                        Great to hear from you & congratulations on day 11 :hug: Wishing you continued success on your AF journey xxx
                        Take care
                        LS
                        To see a world in a grain of sand
                        And a heaven in a wildflower.
                        Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
                        And eternity in an hour.

                        Comment

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