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    Oldie Newbie

    Greetings everyone!

    I joined back in 2012 after asking my primary care doctor to prescribe Antabuse for me. Quit cold turkey, stayed sober for 5 months, then relapsed. I mainly drink at night before going to sleep.

    Fast-forward to a few months ago...my job decided they needed folks with experience at the agency I did IT work for to man the help desk. I got volunteered along with three other people (three close to retirement age, and the mom with the special needs child-me). In short, I hate it. I don't even like talking on the phone. I got one day's notice to report, less than two weeks of very fractured training (holiday season), and got thrown into Tier 2. It's very stressful and I don't stress well. Finally one night I drove to the gym for Zumba class, pulled into a parking space, and burst into tears. Ugly-cried for about 30 minutes while Googling "what to do if you feel suicidal." Reached out to a minister friend on FB messenger and spilled my guts. I realized I needed help and contacted my primary care Dr, who prescribed an anti-depressant and Xanax, and referred me to a psychiatrist. I met with her today and told her about my drinking. She has prescribed Naltrexone (I'll be picking it up later today). I've been researching the drug and the Sinclair Method and actually feel optimistic!

    I'm just disappointed because for the longest time, working out 3-4 times a week was enough to keep my depression at bay. I was so happy and positive all the time. Every night, when I'm in bed drinking, my brain knows "This is the wrong thing to do. It's holding up your weight loss journey, and you're going to feel like crap in the morning, and, duh, alcohol is a *depressant*, and your son deserves better." I know I'm doing it wrong. It's just that in that moment, I don't want to have to feel anything. I'll be starting the Naltrexone tonight and I'm hoping it works and helps me get rid of the craving for alcohol.

    Thanks for reading, and I hope you all are doing well in your journeys.
    ITGeekChick

    #2
    Re: Oldie Newbie

    Welcome back, ITGC! I'm sorry you're dealing with some tough things right now. The good news is that everything is easier to handle once drinking is out of your life and some problems even take care of themselves! You can get back what you had for those 5 AF months. All the best, NS

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      #3
      Re: Oldie Newbie

      Welcome back
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
      Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

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        #4
        :welcome: back ITGC! Stick close, we'll try to help any way we can! You can do this, just take it one day at a time!
        Quitting and staying quit isn't easy, its learning a whole new way of thinking. It's accepting a new way of life, and not just accepting it, embracing it...
        Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Just get through today. Tomorrow will look after itself when it becomes today, because today is all we have to think about.
        Friendship is not about how many friends you have or who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you", and proved it.

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          #5
          Re: Oldie Newbie

          Hi ITGC...

          I don't know much about IT or brining up a child with special needs... what I do know is that we all have problems, some huge like yours and some less so....what we have in common is that we have all tried to self medicate our problems with alcohol... the very fact that you have come back on here and that you have been to see your Doc makes it clear that you have come back to the same correct conclusion that al is not the answer...

          We are all in this together...stay close and keep posting your progress. You know you can always rely on the people on here to tell it like it is and give fantastic advice and cheer you on your way...

          Look forward to hearing more from you as your journey moves forward

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            #6
            Re: Oldie Newbie

            Hi ITGC
            I totally get what you mean about using alcohol not to "feel". I don't find it easy to deal with feelings and emotions so have done the same myself for many many years. It also shut up the voice in my head reminding me of all the bad sh it I've done, and all the guilt I feel, how I should have been better as a mum etc etc. But, just over 3 weeks in, I can honestly say that when I lay down to sleep at night, I don't watch a full technicolour montage of my past mistakes in my head as I'd feared I would without the booze. And indeed, as I actually did every morning around 2/3/4am once the booze wore off and I was then awake for the day with only my anxiety and guilt and remorse as companion until it was time to get up and repeat the whole sorry cycle.
            I don't know what it is like to have a child with extra needs as - odd as she is - my daughter is perfectly healthy but being a mum of any kind (and I am a single mum) is damned stressful. Throw in work stress and it is perfectly understandable to reach for something to blot it out. But as you said, it is a depressant and it does make us fat! (Sadly so does all the chocolate, milkshakes, cake etc I have replaced it with for now but hey ho!).
            So what I am trying to say is that I can relate, but I wish you all the luck in the world in getting and staying sober. I have by no means got it solved and am still mentally struggling daily but I am very grateful to be able to come here to check in, rant or whatever else. x

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              #7
              Re: Oldie Newbie

              Only thing I did at 2/3/4am over last month when i awoke was pop a valium. Not a very good life

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                #8
                Re: Oldie Newbie

                Welcome back, Oldie Newbie. I'm one of the few here who knows firsthand what it's like to raise a special-needs child while holding down a demanding IT career. I did it for many years. Let's just sit together for a moment. I'm holding your hand. I know what you're going through.

                'No magic answers here, but I will say that -- like you -- I drank just to "not feel." Seeing my son's health and mentality declining every day, feeling short-changed, being pulled in a thousand directions, never measuring up, and wearing thin hurt SO much! As moms, we instinctively want to make everything better for our children. As special needs moms, we simply can't do it. I don't know why innocent children and parents go through these things in life, but I know that life is still beautiful, even in the struggle. I know there's comfort and triumph and hope and love. But, I never found any of it in a bottle.

                Hang in there! I'm glad to see you're on a positive path.
                "If you fell down yesterday, get up today." -- H.G. Wells

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                  #9
                  Re: Oldie Newbie

                  Welcome back, ITGC--

                  I am sorry for your struggles - and glad you're getting help. It took a lot of courage to reach out when you were feeling so low - asking for help is the first step in healing yourself.

                  I can attest to the fact that my anxiety, moodiness, stress and fear have gone WAY down now that alcohol is out of my life. I hope you find peace soon.

                  Pav

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                    #10
                    Re: Oldie Newbie

                    Welcome back GeekChick! Good on you for reaching out for help when you needed it.

                    Sounds like you were pretty thrown by the unexpected change in your work situation and the helplessness of being volunteered. Help desk always seems to get fractured training which can definitely add to the stress of feeling unprepared. Not sure what your role was before the help desk but having worked in the NOC before I can well imagine that there is a definite increase in stimulation.

                    For myself I find that I need to find a little time to de-stimulate – just to be quiet, a little time away from the ringing phone and the constant beep as the emails come rolling in and the text messages and instant messenger demanding attention. Taking my lunch away from all of that – sometimes off prem when I can – has been a definite help and diminishes that “urgent” itch to drink. It also helps to de-stimulate the closer I can stick to a routine both at work and at home. Just a couple thoughts.

                    Anyway, sounds like you’re getting the resources to get yourself back on track, including getting back here, and that’s wonderful to hear. Stick close, keep your eyes on that horizon and keep walking. That happy and positive you free of al is waiting just over the next rise.
                    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Zen proverb

                    "See it as it is, not worse than it is just so you have a reason not to try." - Tony Robbins.

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                      #11
                      Re: Oldie Newbie

                      Readynow, It sounds like we have very similar struggles. I wake up in the wee hours often, too. Can't get back to sleep, read or watch YouTube videos until it's time to get up, get my son ready and off too school, then berate myself for not being the mom he deserves. It's an ugly cycle all right. Thank you for sharing, it feels better to know someone having the same struggles is finding success.
                      ITGeekChick

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                        #12
                        Re: Oldie Newbie

                        Thank you so much to all of you who responded. It's nice not feeling like I'm all alone.

                        My son is diagnosed with autism and ADHD. We're actually extremely blessed that he received Early Intervention starting at about 18 months, and we're in a fantastic school district. He's gone from being in severe/profound special ed to almost 100% mainstreamed. I still worry a lot about his future, but I'm grateful that he's come as far as he has.

                        Orimus, before the help desk, I was out in the field covering 5-6 offices. I'd troubleshoot their machines and replace parts, help user set up their smartphones, that kind of stuff. I don't even like talking on the phone...I told my users to email or message me. I got my users trained to spot spam/phishing emails and forward them to me, then I'd send them out as "anatomy of a fake email," explaining all the red flags and adding a bunch of snarky comments. I miss doing that kind of stuff.

                        Lilbit thank you for the handholding. There is so much second-guessing involved when parenting our special kiddos. "Am I pushing him too hard, or not hard enough?" "What is causing this behavior?" "Am I good enough?"

                        I remember the first time I went to an autism support group meeting, and the amazing feeling of relief that came from being around people who understood. All of your posts gave me that same feeling, and for that, I thank you.
                        ITGeekChick

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                          #13
                          Re: Oldie Newbie

                          Hi ITCG & welcome back to MWO, keep posting and sharing what your going through as its better out than in, take care & see you around the forum.


                          :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

                          Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
                          I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

                          This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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                            #14
                            Re: Oldie Newbie

                            Hi GC,
                            Welcome back :welcome: I have found MWO so helpful with being somewhere people understand & feel the same as me about AL & it definately makes me feel less isolated & alone xxx
                            My heart goes out to you, as your worry & concerns about your son must weigh heavily x My two are 5 and 10 and don't have special needs, but the knowledge that alot of their journey will be forged beyond my watchful eye & care certainly makes me question at times is what I'm doing & giving them right or enough?
                            You sound like a very caring & loving mum & that counts for so much, for when he needs you, you are there x
                            I'm glad you are getting support yourself, it's really a brave thing to reach out when you are struggling x I'm also in the situation that I had relapsed & the AF journey is definately different for me. I found less 'puppy dog enthusiasm' like with my first quit & it knocks your confidence knowing how easy you can slip. However, you also have the benefit of knowledge and experience that you can maintain sobriety & 5 months is a fantastic achievement! I truly believe that there are no mistakes on this journey only lessons & I have less fear than I did originally. Wishing you success on your AF journey x
                            Take care
                            LS
                            To see a world in a grain of sand
                            And a heaven in a wildflower.
                            Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
                            And eternity in an hour.

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