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**NoSugar** · February 21, 2017, 07:23 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Welcome back, ITGC! I'm sorry you're dealing with some tough things right now. The good news is that everything is easier to handle once drinking is out of your life and some problems even take care of themselves! You can get back what you had for those 5 AF months. All the best, NS

**paulywogg** · February 21, 2017, 07:56 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Welcome back

**abcowboy** · February 21, 2017, 08:13 PM

:welcome: back ITGC! Stick close, we'll try to help any way we can! You can do this, just take it one day at a time!

**tonyniceday** · February 21, 2017, 08:33 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Hi ITGC...

I don't know much about IT or brining up a child with special needs... what I do know is that we all have problems, some huge like yours and some less so....what we have in common is that we have all tried to self medicate our problems with alcohol... the very fact that you have come back on here and that you have been to see your Doc makes it clear that you have come back to the same correct conclusion that al is not the answer...

We are all in this together...stay close and keep posting your progress. You know you can always rely on the people on here to tell it like it is and give fantastic advice and cheer you on your way...

Look forward to hearing more from you as your journey moves forward

**Readynow79** · February 22, 2017, 07:16 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Hi ITGC
I totally get what you mean about using alcohol not to "feel". I don't find it easy to deal with feelings and emotions so have done the same myself for many many years. It also shut up the voice in my head reminding me of all the bad sh it I've done, and all the guilt I feel, how I should have been better as a mum etc etc. But, just over 3 weeks in, I can honestly say that when I lay down to sleep at night, I don't watch a full technicolour montage of my past mistakes in my head as I'd feared I would without the booze. And indeed, as I actually did every morning around 2/3/4am once the booze wore off and I was then awake for the day with only my anxiety and guilt and remorse as companion until it was time to get up and repeat the whole sorry cycle.
I don't know what it is like to have a child with extra needs as - odd as she is - my daughter is perfectly healthy but being a mum of any kind (and I am a single mum) is damned stressful. Throw in work stress and it is perfectly understandable to reach for something to blot it out. But as you said, it is a depressant and it does make us fat! (Sadly so does all the chocolate, milkshakes, cake etc I have replaced it with for now but hey ho!).
So what I am trying to say is that I can relate, but I wish you all the luck in the world in getting and staying sober. I have by no means got it solved and am still mentally struggling daily but I am very grateful to be able to come here to check in, rant or whatever else. x

**Neo** · February 22, 2017, 09:27 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Only thing I did at 2/3/4am over last month when i awoke was pop a valium. Not a very good life

**LilBit** · February 22, 2017, 10:52 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Welcome back, Oldie Newbie. I'm one of the few here who knows firsthand what it's like to raise a special-needs child while holding down a demanding IT career. I did it for many years. Let's just sit together for a moment. I'm holding your hand. I know what you're going through.

'No magic answers here, but I will say that -- like you -- I drank just to "not feel." Seeing my son's health and mentality declining every day, feeling short-changed, being pulled in a thousand directions, never measuring up, and wearing thin hurt SO much! As moms, we instinctively want to make everything better for our children. As special needs moms, we simply can't do it. I don't know why innocent children and parents go through these things in life, but I know that life is still beautiful, even in the struggle. I know there's comfort and triumph and hope and love. But, I never found any of it in a bottle.

Hang in there! I'm glad to see you're on a positive path.

**Pavati** · February 22, 2017, 11:14 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Welcome back, ITGC--

I am sorry for your struggles - and glad you're getting help. It took a lot of courage to reach out when you were feeling so low - asking for help is the first step in healing yourself.

I can attest to the fact that my anxiety, moodiness, stress and fear have gone WAY down now that alcohol is out of my life. I hope you find peace soon.

Pav

**Orimus** · February 22, 2017, 12:50 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Welcome back GeekChick! Good on you for reaching out for help when you needed it.

Sounds like you were pretty thrown by the unexpected change in your work situation and the helplessness of being volunteered. Help desk always seems to get fractured training which can definitely add to the stress of feeling unprepared. Not sure what your role was before the help desk but having worked in the NOC before I can well imagine that there is a definite increase in stimulation.

For myself I find that I need to find a little time to de-stimulate – just to be quiet, a little time away from the ringing phone and the constant beep as the emails come rolling in and the text messages and instant messenger demanding attention. Taking my lunch away from all of that – sometimes off prem when I can – has been a definite help and diminishes that “urgent” itch to drink. It also helps to de-stimulate the closer I can stick to a routine both at work and at home. Just a couple thoughts.

Anyway, sounds like you’re getting the resources to get yourself back on track, including getting back here, and that’s wonderful to hear. Stick close, keep your eyes on that horizon and keep walking. That happy and positive you free of al is waiting just over the next rise.

**ITGeekChick** · February 22, 2017, 10:36 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Readynow, It sounds like we have very similar struggles. I wake up in the wee hours often, too. Can't get back to sleep, read or watch YouTube videos until it's time to get up, get my son ready and off too school, then berate myself for not being the mom he deserves. It's an ugly cycle all right. Thank you for sharing, it feels better to know someone having the same struggles is finding success.

**ITGeekChick** · February 22, 2017, 10:59 PM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Thank you so much to all of you who responded. It's nice not feeling like I'm all alone.

My son is diagnosed with autism and ADHD. We're actually extremely blessed that he received Early Intervention starting at about 18 months, and we're in a fantastic school district. He's gone from being in severe/profound special ed to almost 100% mainstreamed. I still worry a lot about his future, but I'm grateful that he's come as far as he has.

Orimus, before the help desk, I was out in the field covering 5-6 offices. I'd troubleshoot their machines and replace parts, help user set up their smartphones, that kind of stuff. I don't even like talking on the phone...I told my users to email or message me. I got my users trained to spot spam/phishing emails and forward them to me, then I'd send them out as "anatomy of a fake email," explaining all the red flags and adding a bunch of snarky comments. I miss doing that kind of stuff.

Lilbit thank you for the handholding. There is so much second-guessing involved when parenting our special kiddos. "Am I pushing him too hard, or not hard enough?" "What is causing this behavior?" "Am I good enough?"

I remember the first time I went to an autism support group meeting, and the amazing feeling of relief that came from being around people who understood. All of your posts gave me that same feeling, and for that, I thank you.

**mario** · February 23, 2017, 05:51 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Hi ITCG & welcome back to MWO, keep posting and sharing what your going through as its better out than in, take care & see you around the forum.

**Lost Soul** · February 25, 2017, 06:53 AM

Re: Oldie Newbie

Hi GC,
Welcome back :welcome: I have found MWO so helpful with being somewhere people understand & feel the same as me about AL & it definately makes me feel less isolated & alone xxx
My heart goes out to you, as your worry & concerns about your son must weigh heavily x My two are 5 and 10 and don't have special needs, but the knowledge that alot of their journey will be forged beyond my watchful eye & care certainly makes me question at times is what I'm doing & giving them right or enough?
You sound like a very caring & loving mum & that counts for so much, for when he needs you, you are there x
I'm glad you are getting support yourself, it's really a brave thing to reach out when you are struggling x I'm also in the situation that I had relapsed & the AF journey is definately different for me. I found less 'puppy dog enthusiasm' like with my first quit & it knocks your confidence knowing how easy you can slip. However, you also have the benefit of knowledge and experience that you can maintain sobriety & 5 months is a fantastic achievement! I truly believe that there are no mistakes on this journey only lessons & I have less fear than I did originally. Wishing you success on your AF journey x
Take care
LS

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