Please not again!

[ssd858]

I first joined MWO during the summer of 2015. In the fall of 15 I got nearly a month sober and was feeling great. Then we went on a vacation and after losing my luggage and no sleep for 24 hours I drank. Then kept on drinking. For the next year and a half I would get a few weeks sober here and there but then would end up right back at the bottle of wine a day habit and just feeling like crap pretty much all of the time. And, the issues I was having in my life are still there.

This is just no way to live - I am committing to 30 days without alcohol and honestly this has to be it, forever! I just cannot continue to do this to my body!

I am on day 15. This quit began so well - I really did not feel a thing the first 2 days. Then, I got very ill. On days 3 and 4 I felt like an dark gloomy fog had come over me emotionally and I had horrible diarrhea. Though ready for work I stayed home and went to bed and just rode it out. Not sure if it was truly an illness or just my body de-toxing.

Of course this was accompanied by the traditional sleeplessness. Waking up every hour for a few days and then at 12:30, 2:30, 3:30 ... For the full two weeks I got little sleep and work was extremely challenging to get through. I am a college professor and am in front of hundreds of students every day. Needless to say I was not performing at my best. Add to this being cranky as hell.

Now, on day 15, with 2 nights of adequate sleep, the fog is clearing and I feel ready to do whatever it takes to make this quit my last!

My husband has agreed to the 30 days without alcohol to support me and I am certain he will return to drinking, but I must face the reality that I cannot.


After writing this I find myself wondering:

is the 30 day goal really setting myself up to start drinking at day 31?

I do not want to go through this again.

[available]

Re: Please not again!

welcome back SSD and great work on 15 days sober. I never wanted to admit that i could never drink again, that was too scary to think about even though i knew in my heart that it was so. Being on here with support and accountability i found that when i read of others doing higher days and how much happier they were i wanted to do more and i so didnt want to do those first days again. I and others can guarantee that the first few months plus are not easy,life doesnt become normal when we first stop drinking but it certainly does in time. i am now 3+ years sober, i was you and i just kept plodding along day by day, never dreaming or thinking i would have any long term sobriety as i always let myself down. This quit i was over letting myself down and others so i asked for the support, i received the support and i put in the hard work to not drink. Now i can honestly say i never want to drink again, that door i left open "just in case" is completely closed.

I always figured that i drank heavily for nearly 10 years so if it takes me 10 years to heal then so be it but it hasnt. we need to learn patience with sobriety, life does not become normal when we stop drinking, we need to heal from what got us to this point that we realised we are not normal drinkers.

Head over to the newbies nest and keep on here. If your husband decides to drink again that is his choice as it is your choice to drink also. No one pours al down our throats except ourselves. I am grateful every day that i make the choice not to drink.

[abcowboy]

I don't have much to say ssd except welcome back! 30 days is a good start, it's not all through the worst of it, but it will show you how much easier it is to handle life and all it's problems without adding booze to the mix. I know it's always suggested to head to the Newbies Nest, but I also know it isn't for everyone. There are lots more threads that are just as good for helping and supporting when you need it. So have a look around, I know you've been reading around for a bit now, and find a place you're comfortable with. Or just start your own journal, it's another great way to rid ourselves of the garbage we seem to want to carry around with us. big part of recovery is learning to let go, no better place to do that than here!

[southshoregirl]

Re: Please not again!

is the 30 day goal really setting myself up to start drinking at day 31?

I do not want to go through this again.

Congrats on staying sober so far! I don't think you are necessarily setting yourself up for drinking on Day 31. A lot of people use the "one day at a time" approach and make it a goal not to drink today. It does not mean they are setting themselves up for drinking tomorrow. It's just easier sometimes to not look too far into the future.

[mario]

Re: Please not again!

Hi ssd ,well done on your work your doing to get yourself right, Re your question I suppose your the only one who can answer that, Have you accepted that you cant drink ? Or are you just white knuckling it till your 30 days is up ? If you have accepted you cant/want to drink again you need to put plans in place for when that important date is looming in your journey, plan for it & be prepared, keep posting here, keep doing what's working for you.

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

Thank you for stopping by, Ava. It is good to be back. 3 + years is amazing!
How long did it take you to heal physically?

I know my husband will drink again but it means a lot to me that he is doing this with me for the first month which we
all know is so hard. I am thankful for this.

[NoSugar]

Re: Please not again!

is the 30 day goal really setting myself up to start drinking at day 31?

Hi, SSD.
I also made a commitment to myself of 30 days AF but as the time needed before I re-assessed my situation, not at all as a time to necessarily drink again. At the beginning, I couldn't imagine never drinking again at the same time that I absolutely knew I had to stop forever. Obviously, I couldn't make a decent decision with that raging internal inconsistency!

I spent the 30 days immersed in the subject, glued to MWO, and noticing and being grateful for every little thing that was better because I wasn't drinking. Sometime during those 30 days, I realized that it wasn't a matter that I couldn't drink, it was that I didn't have to. That wasn't the end of it, of course, and maintaining sobriety is an active process but after I had that realization, I no longer felt sorry for myself or that I was missing out. I still feel like this is an opportunity, and I'm grateful to have it. All the best, NS

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

Hey cowboy, thank you for reaching out! You caught me lurking these past weeks
I will jump in the nest soon. It seems a cozy place to be.

You nailed it with the letting go issue. This is a major one for me that I am working on.

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

The one day approach is definitely how I saw it last time I was successful in quitting for a bit. This time I
find myself questioning it. I am hoping that this means that I am more certain in the longevity of my quit.
Thank you for jumping in!

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

Hi Mario,
I am happy you stopped by. I have been reading some of your posts and they really resonate with me.

I don't feel that I have been doing the white knuckle thing - I have not wavered or felt even close to
wanting to drink. When I tried to quit last time I recall going out for Mexican food at a restaurant that
makes my all time favorite margarita and really I felt like I was missing out. We went to this restaurant
a few days ago and I was fine ordering sparkling water. For an over drinker, there are very few drinks I like or will drink. Kind of crazy.
I am hoping that this reflects a true shift in my thoughts - I do not need to have al in my life!

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

NS - this is exactly how I am feeling! I am trying to not focus on the inconsistency and let this quit evolve as I feel it moving in the right direction. Thank you for your insightful words! I feel optimistic about my path and not that I am losing anything but rather gaining. Sorry if this is muddled.

Hi, SSD.
I also made a commitment to myself of 30 days AF but as the time needed before I re-assessed my situation, not at all as a time to necessarily drink again. At the beginning, I couldn't imagine never drinking again at the same time that I absolutely knew I had to stop forever. Obviously, I couldn't make a decent decision with that raging internal inconsistency!

I spent the 30 days immersed in the subject, glued to MWO, and noticing and being grateful for every little thing that was better because I wasn't drinking. Sometime during those 30 days, I realized that it wasn't a matter that I couldn't drink, it was that I didn't have to. That wasn't the end of it, of course, and maintaining sobriety is an active process but after I had that realization, I no longer felt sorry for myself or that I was missing out. I still feel like this is an opportunity, and I'm grateful to have it. All the best, NS

[available]

Re: Please not again!

SSD receiving support is so important in our sobriety. I was scared i could not succeed but as the days went by it did get easier. I think for me the first 6-8 months were made of determination and learning how to say no in situations. The first 3 months i hibernated as much as i could as i didnt want to be tempted by al and drink and i needed to grieve my best friend al. I needed to realise that al was not my best friend and to learn how to cope without drinking. The less i thought about al the better life became, it didnt consume me day in day out and at 6 months i wasnt as scared as i was in the early days. Stress is a major factor for most of us in staying sober so i had to find other activities to keep me occupied. I knit some really bad beanies now and some ok scarves, i read, go to the gym and i have gone back to do a course and some days i do absolutely nothing. As we all say, being accountable is a 100% must, we cant do this alone.

It is great your hubs is on board and maybe in 30 days he will realise how much better he feels without al. My children drank around me and at times i had to tell them to put the al out of sight of me and sometimes to not drink near me. they were respectful of this and i was not going to be tempted to drink in any way. Now i can walk into a bottleshop knowing i have no need to buy booze but it still freaks me out to think that those places were such an important and necessary part of my life.

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

Receiving support - it has always been hard for me to ask for things. Maybe that is part of the reason wine became my coping mechanism. This time I have my husband's support and I have reached out to one of my brothers. I do plan to see a counselor in a few weeks. I started with a counselor last month but it turned out she isn't on my health plan so she gave me a referral. I am waiting until my mind clears some.

Monday was the first day I thought that a glass of wine would make me feel better. And it would not have been a glass but rather a bottle. After the first week, the lack of sleep has been the hardest to handle. Woke up at 2:30 on Monday morning and it was an interminably long day. My brain is just not working right. I hope the fog clears soon.

[Pavati]

Re: Please not again!

Hi, SSD:

I agree with Mario and others. For me, first and foremost was the acceptance that I could never drink again and have the life I want - my job, husband, kids. Then it had to be a two-pronged approach - never again AND one day at a time. Seems contradictory, and it was very scary to look ahead to NEVER. Basically, it didn't serve me to look ahead 8 months to the vacation I had planned, or to wonder how I would get through a wedding without drinking. I am with Ava - 3+ years without alcohol, and I really am so very grateful!

I enjoyed lavender bath salts and sleepytime tea to help me relax at night, and your sleep will even out for sure. When you find yourself romanticizing that glass of wine, play it out to the end. It wouldn't be one glass, how will you feel the next day, etc.

Stay strong, and join us in the nest for more conversation and support!

Pav

[ssd858]

Re: Please not again!

Hi, SSD:

I agree with Mario and others. For me,

first and foremost was the acceptance that I could never drink again and have the life I want

- my job, husband, kids. Then it had to be a two-pronged approach -

never again AND one day at a time. Seems contradictory, and it was very scary to look ahead to NEVER.

Basically, it didn't serve me to look ahead 8 months to the vacation I had planned, or to wonder how I would get through a wedding without drinking. I am with Ava - 3+ years without alcohol, and I really am so very grateful!

I enjoyed lavender bath salts and sleepytime tea to help me relax at night, and your sleep will even out for sure. When you find yourself romanticizing that glass of wine, play it out to the end. It wouldn't be one glass, how will you feel the next day, etc.

Stay strong, and join us in the nest for more conversation and support!

Pav

This is really what it is all about! I am fully committed to the 30 days but I know my brain is resisting this. I will be starting up with a counselor in 2 weeks - I am hoping that by then my sleep will be a bit better and I will be thinking better. Lots of reading here and other places right now. Thank you for the support!