Hanging On with determination

[Struggles 106]

Hi all

I'm finally able to write about what happened. I got drunk. I got lost DRIVING -- which of course is horrible and criminal in the first place.
Memories are bits and pieces. It seems that I somehow ended up far from home and by sheer miracle made it home.
I think I stopped somewhere at some point, with more stupid ridiculous bullshit there, before I came home.
It FINALLY occurred to me that something is lacking in my toolbox. I can always make it a few months...so I have to figure out how to STAY stopped.

I'm so glad to be back. It is truly a miracle that I made it home. I will not forget that.

Ann

[Lost Soul]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Hi Ann,
I am so glad you are safe & got home and also that you are home at myo too x I am not always successful but know I also benefit from being here so much - we can do this :hug:
Take care
LS

[Struggles 106]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Thanks LS
The shame is overwhelming. This cannot go on

[NoraC]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Ann - :hug:

I still have my last drinking episode in my brain. I rarely have to pull it out anymore. But, when I think that just one drink is ok or start thinking fondly of my drink of choice, I pull out that memory and replay it. The whole shameful part. Then I just file it way back in my memory. I don't dwell on it but that horrible experience is still there when necessary. I stopped beating myself up but it does help to have a very specific reality check memory for the shaky times. :hug:

[wagmor]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Ann - thanks for sharing this story. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to do so, and it sounds like it's terrifying to think back on. Really glad you're safe and that nobody was hurt while you were driving. Drinking and driving scares me like crazy for several reasons. You're home, you're safe, and you're back on track. Good to ID the missing part of your toolbox or plan - now comes the potentially harder part of figuring out what exactly those tools will look like for you. We all have our different sticking points, and I'm sure "staying quit" is such a point for many of us. What are your ideas for yourself? What do your instincts and experience tell you will help you stay quit, or are you still exploring that?

Again, so glad you're safe. :hug:

[Struggles 106]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Thanks you guys
I think that I'll add calling someone if I am tempted. That is one thing I could do. I'm starting to really think about the progression of thoughts that gets me to the point of drinking. I could have killed a child! Or anyone for that matter.
Since I live relatively close to Byrdie I can always go and have lunch with her, and that always helps.
Psst- Byrdie- I didn't mention this but I hope it's ok.

The other problem is my boss is in the band I went out to see that day. I'm working from home this week so have not had to face him yet.
I'm not sure how much of the mess he saw, but I am so embarrassed and ashamed.
I have my daughter and granddaughter to think of too. And the weather is nice now so exercise always helps.
Also Antabuse. But as has been mentioned here before to have to take the damn pill.

Ann

[Wildflowers]

Re: Hanging On with determination

So glad your okay!... :hug: Those shameful, guilty feelings of remorse. After a bender, can help us in remembering how poisonous - ethanol - alcohol really is. Accepting that one will never be enough for us. This is first step imo. That you are aware of how thoughts may lead to picking up. As well as places. Awareness is second step imo. Thoughts are just thoughts. Not always pleasant ones either. Feel them, release them. Glad your re-organizing your plan and tools. Action is the third part imo. MWO is once again solidifying in my mind that I have a choice. There are two paths. Just for today I'm choosing the AF one. :smile:

Committing to be AF for 24hrs may help. Some people can draw a line in the sand and never drink again. I'm not one of them. Doing just one period of 24 hrs and breaking those into smaller times may be of help to you. Please join us in the 24 hr thread under General Discussion if you think it may help. Being accountable to others who have this problem may be of help to you. Practicing daily gratitude may be helpful. Thread also under General Discussion. I have days where I struggle with gratitude, but generally can find something to be grateful for. Helps reading others gratitude's.


You can do this Ann!.... :hug:

[Pavati]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Hi, Ann:

So sorry for you and so glad everyone is all ok.

I, like Nora, have the memory of my last weekend drinking (I call it the Thanksgiving Massacre) that I can pull out of a file, look at it, and decide that I NEVER want to feel like that again. I also read and read (that's past and present) a ton about relapse. There are definite signs.

I hope you lean on Byrdie, lean on us, and discover what that missing tool may be.

Hugs to you!
Pav

[available]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Hi Ann,

Maybe this is your rock bottom and now you can find peace without al. I didnt really hit a big bottom though drinking 2 bottles a day 7 days a week was bottoming out to the Nth degree daily. Everything culminated until i just could not drink anymore. Not that i ever wanted to say never but i knew i would either kill myself if i kept going or i had to give it my best shot to be sober.

I was denying myself, my children and everything else in life for a bottle. I would drink for any reason that i could justify as to why and boy did i have a big book of reasons.

I have one reason now for not to drink and that is i love my life. even with the stress of daily living, i never ever want to be at my bottom again.

Day by day, minute by minute is all you can do. I am jealous of your proximity to Byrd, i wish it was me.

[Struggles 106]

Re: Hanging On with determination

One week ago today at this time I was out of control, and out in my car. Insanity.
So nice to be home safe and sound.
I think I am going to be selfish and not allow myself to be around drinking. In a few weeks I'm supposed to go out to a friend's brothers farm with her. She will drink beer, and I'm sure he will too. I think I'll pass on that trip. I won't be able to do that and be comfortable.

I'm happy to be back here.

Ann

[NoraC]

Re: Hanging On with determination

Ann - good decision to protect your quit. :hug: