I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

[titaniumgrl]

Hello All,

I am so happy that I found this forum and hope that I will find some support and encouragement. A little background about myself... I am currently 44 years old and struggling once again with addiction. I struggled with opiate addiction from 2002-2009 (after a horrific car accident), went to treatment for a year, and have managed to stay clean from opiates.

However, I never gave up 2-3 glasses of red wine in the evenings. I ran half-marathons, picked up kayaking and road biking, and went back to school in 2015 to get my master's degree in marriage and family therapy. I also passed the national board exam to receive my license last month. I started working at a substance abuse residential facility as a therapist/case manager and found it very difficult to meet the demands of this high pressure job. I found myself drinking more...3-4 glasses of red wine in the evenings just to deal with the stress and be able to get some sleep.

I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with adult ADHD and was prescribed Adderall. At first, I thought this was a miracle cure! I was able to accomplish all my tasks in half the time and sometimes even leave work early. Although, I found it very difficult to unwind in the evenings and really connect with my family. I told my doctor about this problem and he prescribed Xanax and Restoril for anxiety and sleep....I am still drinking the 3-4 glasses of red wine every evening.

I have found myself back on a very slippery slope and these medications are ruining my life. I have been on them for about 6 months now and of course I abuse them often, run out early, and find myself in withdrawals (which I swore would never happen to me again!!!) I have made an appointment with a very good psychiatrist (I was using my gynecologist before) and plan on telling him everything and asking for help. My appointment is on July 6.

I resigned from my job to study for my board exams and am currently not working. I hope to use this time to get my life back together. My husband of 22 years was so supportive of my ability to get clean in 2009 and is aware (and concerned) about the medications that I am on now. I have not told him about the extent of my current problem and I cannot bare to disappoint him again.

I am just looking for helpful advice on where to start. I would really like to begin with giving up the alcohol but don't know if I should do it cold turkey or try to wean off. I have gone for periods of time without taking the adderall and that was not really a problem. BUT, trying to stop the Xanax and restoril is pure hell. I think that drinking alcohol makes it worse. I am willing to take it slow and do one thing at a time. Going to treatment/detox is not an option at this time.

I am sorry for the long post, but I figured that some back ground information would be helpful. I would appreciate any feedback and thank you for listening.

[NoSugar]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Hi, Titaniumgirl,

I'm not familiar with the medications and how to wean off of them but I suspect that the alcohol is making everything worse. Given that you aren't consuming a tremendous amount, it seems unlikely that you would suffer serious physical withdrawals if you just stopped. Perhaps your husband could be with you to make sure you're ok.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I did want to welcome you to MWO. I hope we can help you get back the life you want and deserve.

All the best, NS

[Struggles 106]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Hi T girl-

Xanax is very addictive, and the withdrawal symptoms are not pleasant. I've done it and it gets better
after a week or so.
As for drinking--of course there is no "safe" amount ( not that you asked that question -lol

I wish you luck with all that you have going on. It's great that your husband is supportive! I have no idea how my husband
put up with my drunken bullshit for years,well..., until he didn't. I was bad before the divorce and
worse after.

Just my opinion, but I would see someone about the Adderal. It is a powerful drug, and may or may not be
right for you.

This is a great place for support. Lots of us are around to chat if you like.

And congrats on your education achievements!

Take care

Ann

[Guitarista]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Welcome Titanium grl.

Seeing a psychiatrist (and keeping a doc/GP in the loop) sound like important first steps in this scenario, so good job making that july 6 appt. They can help you put a plan together to wean off any drugs you don't want. Keep us posted here. :thumbsup:

[paulywogg]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Welcome Titaniumgirl, I agree 2-3 glasses of wine a night is pretty small and I don't think you'll have any trouble just stopping, probably have cravings and trouble sleeping but not crazy withdrawal, the xanax you'll have to taper off of if you've been taking it daily but if its just here and there use probably not, Adderall I know nothing about, my doc tried to give me that for some strange reason (she's weirder than I am haha) but I refused it,defo stop the alcohol first then after you see your doctor ask about tapering the rest of the meds,glad to have you here

[Pavati]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Hi, Titanium:

I have no idea about pills, but I concur about the alcohol. Is it REALLY only 3-4 glasses? What size?

I am actually shocked that someone would prescribe you Xanax after you had an opiate addiction. That seems pretty reckless. I think there are classes, books and strategies you can use to try to compensate for your ADHD without medication. Even coffee could do the trick.

I am glad you have an appointment and glad you have some support. Stay strong - you got this!

Pav

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

[MENTION=23951]titaniumgrl[/MENTION] . I know exactly what Adderall did for me. Serious consequences. I understand you completely. You can see what I wrote about the meds I've used. What else you describe is shame, not telling your husband makes sense to most of us. I am not a doctor but I can describe to you what over a dozen drugs have done and which are addictive. My currents are Mirtazapine, Campral and Naltrexone. You can find my thread if you want to read what they have done for me.

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

[MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] ... Xanax is way different than opiates but still addictive so I can see why that would be screwed up. Seriously prescribing addictive drugs to an addict only leads to compounding. Under extreme (rehab) supervision it can work. Xanax. Really?

Woops wrong thread.

[paulywogg]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

She's prescribed 2 benzodiazapines Xanax is short acting and Restoril is more long acting, kinda odd cuz Adderall is a stimulant and benzos are downers,hope the doctor appointment goes well Titaniumgirl

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

[MENTION=6149]Paul[/MENTION]ywoog. I thought diazepam was the way to go. Not short acting. Never heard of Restoril so I will have to search it out and see. There are charts that show how the pam's work. Adderall XR was a compound on top of Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) for me so I could focus. It was wonderful as T described. Worked like a charm for weeks. Mixing uppers with downers is always dangerous as we all know and that combo of Adderall and Pristiq can actually cause more addiction.

My theory and I stick to it is that something that gets you high with in minutes and is short acting like Xanax for short periods becomes addictive because you are seeking a short time alteration of how you feel. The reason Valium or Diazepam is done here is because you don't get the hit like having a drink or a cigarette. I have read so much and there is another forum about benzo addiction. So nulling the up and down which is so much a part of addiction its crazy. Diazepam (Valium) just nulls it all and cannot be permanent but it does adjust the ups and downs that addiction is. Clonazepam seems to make sense but there is a rise and fall depending on how you plan it. 6 to 8 hours effect where as diazepam is long term and doesn't hit so hard (as in high). COMPARISON OF BENZODIAZEPINESCOMPARISON OF BENZODIAZEPINES

Balance, no rise and fall. If there is still a rise and fall using diazepam thats what I would describe as depression, either Situational SDD or Major MDD. I think I posted the DSM-V here if you are curious what these terms mean.

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Restoril seems to make sense in a brief google search, similar to diazepam as its long acting. The chart I posted should indicate how these work. Xanax i disagree with in this situation although its better than an opiate, so substitution. But like I said the rise and fall is what leads to addiction. And god Benzo's are hard to get off of, but I've never had a major opiate experience so I cannot compare. Not a doctor, maybe your doc knows best. I teach my doctors and know what I need to manage.

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

BenzoBuddies Community Forum - Index ARG! Editing. You will get it somehow. It is active, very active.

For you [MENTION=23951]titaniumgrl[/MENTION] Cross addiction we can deal with here I think, no mods have warned me so far. On that site are tapering charts for benzo's that might help.

[empyr3al]

Re: I never thought I would be in this dark place of addiction again

Damn can't delete but thats for you [MENTION=23951]titaniumgrl[/MENTION]