Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

[Londoner]

I think one of the biggest things scaring me is dealing with all the white lies and stories I have told over the years. Binge drinking has seen me close off, tell myself & others lies that have covered my tracks and ultimately been passive to life in general.

How have you dealt with this? When you don't really know who you are. And when you have to face up to the pains and problems caused by lies.

I'm commiting to being honest in my life now. Alcohol is the antithesis of this for me - I cannot be honest if I drink; my personailty attributes change, my actions change and I just go with the flow with everyone (which means pleasing everyone, which in turn means saying and doing things that are inconsistent).

How do you deal with this?

[Londoner]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

And painful memories of embarrassing actions.

Is this where a therapist comes in?

[ssd858]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

HI and welcome!

Try to let some of that go for now and focus on today and the person you want to be.
The first week is really rough physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself.

Jump in the Newbies Nest and introduce yourself: https://www.mywayout.org/community/j...bies-nest.html

[Orimus]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Hey [MENTION=19568]Londoner[/MENTION], haven't seen you around in a bit or maybe we've just been in different parts of the forum. This is definitely somewhere a therapist can help you sort through things. For myself in terms of lies, grandiosity, embarrassing memories of actions and statements I have to ask myself why am I not allowing them to be the past. The past is not the past if you are still carrying it with you. So I sort things into three camps to see if it's really something that I need to worry about. And none of it is worth worrying about.

The first camp that I sort things into is whether this 1) Is this something that I need to or want to address? Typically these have present ramifications in some form or fashion and if I'm busy worrying about them it is crippling my ability to deal with them and dealing with them, figuring out how to address them would take away the worry. So, I don't need to worry about them if I'm addressing them. 2) Is this something that I can do something about but right now don't need to/want to? These are things that typically have no lasting ramifications or at least trivial ramifications. If they are not important enough to do address then why am i going to worry about them? It cripples my ability to deal with camp 1. 3) Things that I can no longer do anything about, they are gone. These are simply facts of life and generally fall into the category of I never want to be there again/do that again. In this case they are things that help me define the standards that I have for myself right now and moving forward, things for me to learn from and nothing more. Worrying about them prevents me from learning from them and growing.

It's all easier said then done, just a perspective. I still have thoughts/memories that crop up and make me cringe. When they do I simply compare them to my criteria and keep walking forward, focusing on the story/promise of the life that lays ahead. It's worked for me thus far. Discipline becomes habit and habit becomes lifestyle. And in the end we are changing our lifestyle which includes the standards that we hold ourselves to. Just my two cents.

[Londoner]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Hey Orimus.

Thanks for that. That makes a lot of sense, and definitely something to note and implement. Tough for sure. But can be worked on,

[Orimus]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

It also helps to remember that drunk or sober we're all idiots sometimes. Just when/if you should call yourself an idiot add the "some of the time". :hug:

[empyr3al]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Thats odd. I empathize. When I drink (maybe because most of my adult life I have). I tend to be more honest. In withdrawal I lie like crazy to the wrong people and am completely honest with others. I may say stupid things when intoxicated but really they are not. A couple embarrassing moments. The white lies part means they are not dark lies and well its much like getting through the moment. A coping mechanism. Or trying to soften the blow?

I think the lies are because of shame? But I have no idea in your case. Are you grandious, are you timid, do you blame others. There is a lot that goes on under ALC and its not always ALC to blame.

I rarely made mistakes while drinking. So I'm not sure exactly what you mean.

But my mainstakes in life are Gratefulness, Honesty, Love. So I get you.

Interesting thread. I will watch.

[Guitarista]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Excellent post Orimus.

Good to see u back Londoner. Do what you've gotta do, Try what you've gotta try.

Great to see you aren't giving up on yourself.

[empyr3al]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Passion I have learned over time using and it does fail at times, plants and culinary are mainstakes to hold me in balance. Don't know if I said it before but crushing depression can be solved with old school meds such as mitazapine. Having passion is difficult to regain. It seems rediculous at first but it does come back when you learn to forgive yourself and move forward. I love my dogs for example. I've been through massive trauma in the recent times. In canada we don't have small change anymore so that is my nickle (5 cents)

[available]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

welcome back london

I lied because i drank, take away the drinking and the lying stops, the justification of why i should drink stops, the mind games eventually stop and the memories fade. I could not remember much when i drank at the end but i do know the guilt and shame were killing me along with the al.

There is always a reason why we drink so yes maybe a therapist can help but at the end of the day it is our choice to end the madness of drinking. Its not easy but if we listen and learn and put our egos at the door and receive the help it is a massive bonus in recovery.

I know if i made myself 100% accountable each and every day to get sober and put in the time i drank to the time of reading, posting and learning then i was doing this for me. I have lost friends but i have gained so much more in life and i would ever trade a day of drinking over a day of sobriety.

This journey takes time, everyone at the start never thinks they will be sober long time, we all think to ourselves we will fail but we take each day as it comes and even today waking up sober is a good day. No one will ever take away my sobriety but me and that is the choice i have made, i will protect it with my life as at the end of the day al will take my life if i drink again.

Glad you are back again, you can do this London, we all can.

[Pavati]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Hi, Londoner--

I appreciated a therapist because it was a real person to hold me accountable. I didn't lie to her - that would be a waste of money and time - so it helped me be honest with myself as well.

I am glad you're back - you will tame this beast eventually if you don't give up on yourself.

Pav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Londoner,
Available took the words out of my mouth. Dealing with the past is just treating a symptom if you dont address the cause. The cause is Alcoholism. We all had these same feelings, I promise. It is part of recovery, NOT drinking is just part of it, growing and maturing is the other part. I have heard (and I believe) that whenever we become addicted, our emotional maturity stops, we become stuck at whatever place we were and only when we get sober do we move forward. I had a LOT of growing up to do, it was scary and confusing, but rewarding.

Im about to start a thread for my friend, Mick. He is celebrating 5 years tomorrow. I just told him that I spotted him as a winner when he first came in BECAUSE HE WAS COACHABLE. There are a lot of folks here with good sober time, buddy up with one of them and listen, we all want to help!

Maybe an addiction counselor would be a good option for you. After all, we are in the fight of our lives, do whatever it takes to break free of this awful addiction. There is NO SHAME in getting help. There is much more shame in NOT getting it. Wishing you the best, if I can help in any way, Im a click away!
You can do this. Byrdie

[Neo]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

But what is the underlying cause of Alcoholism and procrastination is what we need to be addressing?

I for one have bitten the bullet and got a mentor in to help me address this and as above, we need to be coachable and letting someone in I feel will help me. I once had 2 trades. A Mechanic who achieved apprentice of the year, a welding trade at same time, had the truck license, bobcat,forklift .lpg aircon etc, the lot..Then I went to the mines and turned around and said to myself. You know what? , this doesn't fulfill me and it wouldn't matter if they paid me $10,000 a week. Living a life without passion for what you are doing is not a life worth living and I'm not here to kiss ass and please other members of my family who think I was mad in leaving , so much so there are family members I haven't talked to for over 7 years

I then turned my eyes to one of the most scariest things you can do 11 years ago. Skydiving and committed to 100 jumps. I was so fed up with being a scared loser as a kid and after losing a partner 20 years ago cos I was such a wuss. Was it easy?? no. It took me around 47 jumps to feel completely that it's just going to work .The first 10 jumps I can't really say I really enjoyed them until on the ground, But after that it gave me a confidence I never had before.

That being said, It can be taken away. Losing dad a few years meant getting on the beer and dropping the things I used to do and that certainly never helped the cause. I am back on Day 1 and don't need to post the sorry guilty blame loser thing as Iv'e done in the past. I will continue with the tools I have built up and get this first week out of the way .I for one am done with pleasing anyone else and am giving less of a F**k what other people think. The only real dishonesty you can have is with yourself and being true to yourself means you can be authentic to other people .

[Londoner]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Here's how it is for me.

I try and change. I try and work on my career. My fitness.

But I eventually fall back into 'just popping out for a couple with mates'. It might be a couple. But eventually it will be me out on a mad one.

I did it again this weekend. Out with old friends, and before I knew it I was out until the next morning. I had a complete blackout - I'm actually worried what went on during that period of time, this time around.

I then hide away from everyone. My brain amplifies the negative. So I hide. I tell white lies to keep me away, which gives me some comfort.

And then I have to get back into the real world. But I find it hard to connect, to socialise.

I think it stems down to my feelings of lack of connection - with friends and family.

I do wonder whether I do have some mental issues.

Or would being t-total help?

Each time I relapse I lose faith in my ability. It feels like a long way back.

It's no longer a laugh. I'm at a turning point in my life - I should be developing, now I am nearly 30. The last 6/7 years have been a blur.

The thoughts have gotten darker when I am in a hole.

[Neo]

Re: Dishonesty, passivity, and a lack of passion

Your 30 and you would be surprised at how quick the body can mend if you give yourself some care and a good diet. My Vitamins and supps help me to recover quicker. The thing is If I do 40-60 days then slip, It is better than drinking everyday which I don't want to do. All we can do is our best . Each time I slip add something. I went to a $100 councillor and I don't think she understood me at all. It takes a unique mindset to understand.

There is no such thing as a fixit model. You cant get rid of hate, guilt etc but you can to realise these parts to our personalities. Im working on this with a coach. Worse thing I ever did was go it alone