Ramblings of a day 3 noob

[Squanderer]

Hi everyone. I stopped drinking Saturday, hopefully for good but we'll see.

Anyway, I decided to go to the home improvement store to take advantage of a paint sale they're having. I also wanted to get back to eating paleo & Mediterranean, two of my favorite diets so I had to hit the grocery store a coupe times. Both of these are places I always used to avoid except for off hours cause I can't stand the crowds. I don't have any anxiety or anything like that with crowds, its just the irritation factor is so high I can't stand it. Even on the off hours theres still no way I'd go to either of these places (or run any other sort of errand) without some kind of buzz. Usually a major one on the weekends.

So I just got back from my second trip to both places. They have been madhouses all weekend, but none of it bothered me going in there completely sober. It used to be I wanted to "Make my weekends count" which really meant drink as much as possible. So Saturday and Sunday involved getting up & around then getting started drinking. Take a nap, and repeat. So I was always very impatient, I saw standing in line and sitting in traffic as hindrances to "Enjoying" my weekend. This is just perception I'm sure, but the days seem so much longer when you're actually awake and functioning the whole time. "Having all day" takes on a whole new meaning when all day is an actual day instead of the very narrow window of usefulness afforded by my weekly weekend drink-a-thon.

I did notice the absence of alcohol while running around, driving right past all the liquor stores I usually stop at. Its about like noticing the hole left by a bad tooth thats been pulled I suppose. I don't miss it, I just notice its not there. No real cravings for alcohol, but I have some very strong cravings for that new Blizzard that just came out. I'm dying for one! But I guess I can't have refined sugar during detox, so I have to refrain. Or try to anyway. Ice cream on a summer day sounds so great, I just don't want it to open the door to drinking again somehow.

I hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend!

[empyr3al]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

You don't sound dependant because the first 3 day kills 10%. Glad you are active!

Canada day was an amazing day (July 1st) for a country with only 34 million. I hope you have a good 4th of July.

What you have said resonates big time. Thank you.

I will add I used sugar free freezies (frozen ice drinks) during detox for my stomach.

[Struggles 106]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

Hey Squand--
I could not agree more. I used to do the same thing. Drinking time, then recovery from drinking time--adds up!
Amazing what can be accomplished without that madness

Ann

[Pavati]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

Welcome, Squanderer, and congratulations on 3 days.

I like your analogy - a missing tooth. You sound calm and prepared to quit drinking. Most people around her (myself included) report urges to drink. Do you have a plan to get through an urge without giving up? Byrdie posted something in the tool box (the link is at the bottom of her posts in the Newbie's Nest) about creating a plan. It really helped me.

Reading your post made me want a Blizzard. Lucky for me there aren't any DQs around where I live.

Happy 4th.
Pav

[Squanderer]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

You don't sound dependant because the first 3 day kills 10%. Glad you are active!

Canada day was an amazing day (July 1st) for a country with only 34 million. I hope you have a good 4th of July.

What you have said resonates big time. Thank you.

I will add I used sugar free freezies (frozen ice drinks) during detox for my stomach.

empy3al, I'm glad you had a good Canada day. My 4th of July is capping off the 4 day weekend I decided to stop drinking on, and I have no desire at all for alcohol s I think it'll be a good one. Despite backing out of all the activities I'd previously had planned (staying home alone) this could be my greatest 4th ever.

[Squanderer]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

Welcome, Squanderer, and congratulations on 3 days.

I like your analogy - a missing tooth. You sound calm and prepared to quit drinking. Most people around her (myself included) report urges to drink. Do you have a plan to get through an urge without giving up? Byrdie posted something in the tool box (the link is at the bottom of her posts in the Newbie's Nest) about creating a plan. It really helped me.

Reading your post made me want a Blizzard. Lucky for me there aren't any DQs around where I live.

Happy 4th.
Pav

Hi Pavati. Yes I'm quite prepared to quit (desperate actually), I'm so sick of the rut I was in. I'm doing a couple things to help with the cravings. First I'm trying the 7 weeks to sobriety program. Got the book, the supplements, the whole bit. I'm also using kudzu which I discovered on this site a long time ago, and have been successful with in the past. I also have some self-hypnosis audio files that I got from a hypnotherapist when I went to see him. I read the MWO book and really wanted to try hypnosis after what Roberta had to say about her use of it.

The thing that worries me is that it was never so much the drinking itself that I loved so much, but the anticipation for lack of a better term. I would be just fine all day at work no matter how bad of a day it was cause I knew I had my shots after work to look forward to. Weekends were even better cause that meant shots all day with minimal interruptions. Physically I felt like crap but somewhere in my mind life was great! In reality though it was crap.

So who's to say those feelings of looking forward to drinking won't somehow return as distorted memories of how great it was? If I'm successful and get a few weeks or months under my belt, that could be coupled with feeling like I can handle just a few, or maybe one day just for old times sake (a trap that catches many a recovering alcoholic I'm sure). I'm pretty impulsive,and I can see these things coming together as some pretty intense cravings, maybe enough to flip a switch and drive me right to the liquor store and square one. Unfortunately I'm just the kind of guy who would pull a stunt like that. I have in the past. That very first drink reminds me of why I wanted to stop in the first place, as well as setting the hook for another stint.

So for now its pretty easy but I expect that to change at some point.

[empyr3al]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

@squander in Ontario we have "The Beer Store" and the "LCBO" but grocery stores are now getting licenses so its becoming more visible. For a period of time I became indifferent and didn't plan my trips intentionally around those store or even if I passed one it didn't bug or trigger me. I was happy! It was subtle when it began to start happening again. And then WHAM it hit hard. This was after 6 months sobriety in the wide open, not a controlled rehab. I returned to old patterns when I was around the wrong people. I felt I was secure enough. It was likely triggered by a situation, actually I'm positive it was. Not a situation where I want to go party with people for Canada Day but an emotional pain that I tried to cover. Much like yourself you made or turned down your plans for a long weekend for security. Isolating is not healthy either but in early stage its dangerous. What happened for me is more like I was confident I had it under control. Did for a bit and then something went wrong. I wish you all the best and hope for you. I drank for 25 years (20 years daily) so yeah, the evolution is crazy. That first beer or drink reminds me why I wanted to stop. Yet it evolved into something completely different as I gained friends and people buy eachother drinks and then complete physical addiction. Horrific and even more horrific trying to stop. So actually you develop a fear of wanting to stop because of the pain. I don't think you have hit that level yet. Watch out if this is one of your first times because everytime you try to quit it gets worse. Kindled effect. The worst is memories of prior times of quiting while you try again, instant nausea in the flash of a moment. So I hope its for good that you quit.

[Squanderer]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

Thanks empyr3al. You're right, I haven't reached that dark of a place - yet. I actually drink because I like it. My favorite part of the day is that part when everything (work, errands, social engagements, whatever) is out of the way and its just me and my bottle. I just have to change that before things get any worse. I know theres people out there worse off than me, but ours is a progressive disease so I could be twice as bad in the future as I am now if I don't try to make a stand. So, like you, I hope I can quit for good.

From experience I can also concur that it does get worse each time you stop. It sucks finding yourself at the bottom of the same mountain all the time despite all the climbing you seem to be doing!

Anyway, today is my first day back to work after the long weekend. Its going to be strange and maybe a little hard to bypass the liquor store and come straight home (talk about a trigger). Still though, its the next phase.

[empyr3al]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

[MENTION=23854]Squanderer[/MENTION]. When you need it in the morning you know are screwed. Drinking isolated is totally different than social and from what you said you are doing it isolated. Be careful. It is a progressive disease and it will haunt you if you don't stop it. I am not going to preach to you but I know this first hand.

From your experience quiting thats interesting. My quits are life threatening. Its not at the top of a mountain but its extremely painful if you drink hard liquor.

Accessibility to liquor is crazy in the states I have been too, its everywhere. Here it is controlled (or so they say as its a commercial enterprise).

[Squanderer]

Re: Ramblings of a day 3 noob

I know yo're not preaching, it is progressive and I'm definitely trying to get my act together before things get worse. I can't imagine a quit that could be fatal, and I don't want to get to the point where I can!