One Year!

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Good morning on day 2-
Still feel awfully wobbly and emotional. Glad to have you guys here.
Off to work I go!

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Checking in from work. Crying a lot. In fact, one of the reasons I drank again is because of depression I suppose.
Now I’m sitting here thinking of the insanity that developed again once I started drinking again. It started off casual enough, but it became crazy and awful and terrible. Despite all the negatives, I still kept trying to moderate. I still kept failing at that. This time, I didn’t have a bottom so to speak, I just woke up and said I can’t do this anymore. Enough bad things have happened that should have been a new bottom, but they weren’t. All I cared about was forgetting the depression. So selfish.
Waking in the morning to say I’m. It drinking today, and then pulling into the store or bar to drink anyway. Why? That internal argument to stop or not to stop at the store, the initial happiness of taking a few sips, and then the deep shame for messing up again. Again. Again. Again.
So I just woke up yesterday and I said enough. Enough sneaking extra alcohol, enough bruises, enough passing out and blocking out, enough drunken phone calls to my family and wondering if they knew I was drunk (ha!) enough feeling like a shit mom, enough lying to myself.
Just enough. I’ve had it.

[NoSugar]

Re: One Year!

Nursie, that is what happened to me, too. After blowing by January 1 (my latest planned quit date...), on a random Thursday (not Monday, another fave quit day) toward the end of the month, I finally had had it and I quit. That was it. The previous day was no worse or better than any others - I was finally just DONE. I joined here and decided I would do whatever it took not to drink again.

That battle between your morning brain and afternoon brain is totally normal. In the morning, your rational self (who knows you need to quit drinking) is in charge and is not listening to your primal brain (the one that all animals have that tells us to do things that feel good and keep us and the species alive - eat, have sex, drink fluids, etc.). The problem is, alcohol makes us feel TOO good, resulting in addiction. We did not evolve to handle such a powerful 'this feels great' stimulus. Eventually, no matter how much resolve and will power you have, addiction makes it so the part of the brain designed to keep up alive takes over, shutting down the rationale brain. And no matter how wrong it really is, we feel like we have to drink alcohol. It no longer is to feel good, but to feel less awful and when we're really over the edge, not to die.

When you start craving in the afternoon, just keep in mind that what you are feeling doesn't reflect what is really going on. It won't kill you or even hurt you and over time it will pass. Most people have witching hour(s) - once you make it past those, you'll be ok until the next day. And the good news is, it doesn't take all that many days for the confused brain to figure out, Hey, I'm not going to die if I don't drink alcohol!

You can do it again, Nursie. Get on here and read and post like Lunatic Linda ( [MENTION=16186]available[/MENTION] ) anytime you're feeling overwhelmed. We know what you're going through and feel your pain, fear, and frustration but we also know it will pass and you'll be ok as long as you don't drink.

I hope the sad feelings pass soon. xx, NS

[lifechange]

Re: One Year!

What NS said.. you can do this, Nursie.:love:

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Thanks guys, it means a lot.
I am home safe from work and didn’t get any alcohol. Yay me. What a disaster monster inside that one minute you choose to quit, and three hours later you are thinking about drinking again. (Or is that just me?) such a monster lurking in there!!
Time to pet my dogs and help my son with his homework. Thank you all for being here. Xoxo

[Guitarista]

Re: One Year!

What a disaster monster inside that one minute you choose to quit, and three hours later you are thinking about drinking again. (Or is that just me?) such a monster lurking in there!!

That was me too. And i know it's similar for many here, if not all. So not unusual mi amiga. Using booze to self medicate is so understandable and such a quick but short term fix as you know. Then.......we've got to pick up the tab. Too much suffering and it don't get better, just worse.

Sober living is badass and gutsy. Like you. Hope you have an easy day.

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Day 8 here. We had a pretty good weekend. I woke up in a sweat the other day thinking I had drank, but quickly realized I didn’t and fell back into a happy grateful sleep.
I think my medication is helping the depression, but I am eating non stop. Especially sugar and sweets. Guess that’s also par for the course after you quit drinking for a while though. Hopefully it will sort itself out, because my clothes are getting too tight!
We had a bank holiday yesterday so it’s back to work for me today. When I am depressed it is very hard for me to get up and make myself go. I don’t know why, because I love my job. I’m hoping today is better.
I woke up early for journaling and reading the Bible.
I’m going to a cool meditation and yoga class at a monastery on Thursday.
I’m looking inward instead of outward and facing myself.
I guess I need to get ready for work now. I’m going to dress nice, do my hair and make up and have a productive day.
(For the last 3-4 weeks I have not worn makeup or done my hair. I have been too sad.
Today is better and today I will do better! Xoxo

[BelleGirl]

Re: One Year!

Nursie, like you I am back and have been struggling for the past couple of years after being sober for almost 5 years. Today I have decided that I have had enough of it. Right now I have too many stressors in my life to even write about here. Sleep is bad enough even without AL involved. But I have to make it through the witching hours and as I think [MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] said above that eventually my brain will 'get it' that I can have an evening without AL. I'm also sad and depressed most of the time about things I am dealing with at the moment. It is a struggle to get up every day. and being even slightly hungover does not help. I need to do whatever I can to avoid going down that path when the thought strikes. Why is the thought so strong, if it is only a thought? It is almost like a force pulling me to AL sometimes. Today has to be THAT day for me. I know I have said that a number of times before, but reading your recent posts has had an effect on me today when I needed it the most. Let's do this.

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Glad we came back to MWO when we did, right? We are safe- we are ok- and we have each other.
Today was nuts for me. Here I am cruising along on day 8, when all of a sudden a plan to buy wine after work sneaks in my head. What? Wtf? Such a strong feeling, like, another realm telling me I am going to drink wine. Back in “my” realm, I’m like “the hell we are NOT drinking wine!” But it was like an alter ego that was trying to get me to drink and I got a little panicky.
To be honest? I feel abused by that alter ego, that “other” realm. I’m over here being sober minding my business, and I want it to leave me alone!

What I did instead was- stopped at the gas station for spicy cheese doodles and put on a cool podcast I have been listening to. The current episode was PERFECT and helped me on the drive home. The podcast is called Addiction Unlimited by Angela Pugh, and the title of the podcast was “How we ruin our sobriety”. I needed that so bad. I’m going to listen to that every damn day!

Hang in there Belle, lets do it together!

[lifechange]

Re: One Year!

Well done dealing with that alter ego, Nursie. I know exactly the feeling you're describing.:love: And thank you for mentioning the podcast you're listening to.. sounds like a good one!

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Quick check in since I woke up and now can’t get back to sleep. I just had to giggle, because it’s 2:30am here and I woke up to pee. No crashing headache and self hatred or regret, just a simple bathroom break!
I was grinning ear to ear!
I guess technically I’m on day 14 now!
When the alarm goes off I’m a few hours I have a big inspection/audit at work. I hope it goes well!
Xoxo

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

I messed up bigtime and very publicly.
I have no idea why I chose to have a glass of wine with my brother, but I did. After lunch he left, and I kept drinking.
Most of it is a blackout. Cops were called, I was escorted to another area where the cops used my phone to call my brother.
Then brother called my husband and he came and got me.

I am mortified. Ashamed. I must have been getting out of hand if the cops came.
What if someone from work saw me? I was doing so well- now I can’t even get out of bed because I am so hungover and depressed.

[Guitarista]

Re: One Year!

Hi Nursie

Sorry to hear that. Well, you know it doesn't get any better when we have reached this stage of drinking. Are u ok otherwise?

Thanks for posting and staying connected here. That says there's something within you that wants to change and rebuild your life. Take care and be gentle on yourself for now. Keep us posted on your progress mi amiga.

[Nursie]

Re: One Year!

Thanks G- yes of course I want to be sober! I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I could have gotten in a lot of trouble! I do not remember how the police got called, what I did, or who saw me with the police in such a state. What if someone from my job saw me?
I must have fallen at some point because I am sore.
I know I was joking and flirting with the cops trying to make light of it at the time.
Such a disgrace.
But I have a disease and I need to take care of myself. I need to make amends to myself and be sober forever more.

Do you think I should apologize to the restaurant? And to the police?

[Guitarista]

Re: One Year!

Do you think I should apologize to the restaurant? And to the police?

Only you can decide that my friend. :happy2: